to just want to be a stay at home mum

[littlemissprairiegirl]

I have been back at work for about a year and dd2 goes to nursery - other dd at school.

Seriously, I would give anything to be able to not have to work but there is no chance of that on DH salary. I have what you would consider a good job and am paid close to 30k a year to do something very fulfilling that lots of people would like to do but it just means nothing, I just want to be at home with DD. She loves nursery but I go out at lunchtime and see other mums with their babies and want to cry, it's all I want to do.It feels unnatural dropping her off at nursery and leaving her for other people to spend the day with.

Not intending this as SAHM v working mum, I just feel so down and wish I could jack it all in.

I work with someone who felt EXACTLY like you do.

Her and her husband both worked full time, had their 3 children in full time day care and one day just decided to change it all.

A year later they have sold their house and down sized to a smaller and cheaper area and property and now she works part time, but alwyas picks them up from school. Her husband is a SAHD, but they plan to swap roles later this year as he prefers to work and she wants to spend time with their little one before he starts school.

Their lifestyle has changed considerably, they not only have a smaller home, they have one second hand car between them and live fairly frugaly, home-made Christmas presents and are happy to shop in charity shops.

Their grand plan is working for them - they are both 100% happier.

Violethill - you have a really positive perspective. I'm definitely going to remember your thoughts when I'm due to go back to work.

I think the 'grass is always greener' really - whatever you do will never be 100% the right thing - I am a SAHM and look at mums with careers and want to cry .

With the current job market it is getting harder and harder to get back into employment - I don't have any chance of getting the sort of work I have done before - and I am fairly open about what I do (in my mid 50s) - I am entirely financially dependent on my DH and although we have a 'equal' relationship I am well aware that things could change - I have friends of similar ages who have been left on their own and finding life very, very difficult as they had not kept up their career.

Thank you honeybee!
I think it helps that my children are now older teens, so I have the advantage of some perspective from a bit of a distance from it all.
I've seen first hand that as long as you get good childcare in place, your children will be fine. In fact, I really believe my children benefited from their childminder and nursery and they still talk about various things they got up to there. I've also experienced first hand how I've Been able to move ahead in my career which I doubt I would have managed if I'd taken a lot of time off.
It IS hard combining work and parenting when the children are small, but it's so worth it long term.

Thanks everyone. Although my job is a job in the charity sector and therefore fulfilling it doesn't fulfil me any more and I feel like the only thing that would be to be at home with DD and just to be a mum.

I feel I want to tell everyone I meet that I am only working because I have to, not because I want to.

If I was a SAHM I would still take DD to lots of things with other babies, there's always loads going on. I just don't think we can manage it on one salary...

Sit down...look at ALL of our outgoings.

The take away the ones which are not totally needed. You cannot do without food, rent/mortgage or utility's so those all stay.

What else are you paying for?

YANBU to want to stay at home while they are young. could you work less hours so you could keep your foot in the door to go back when they're older.

I say this because my mum was a SAHM all the way. In retrospect I never ever saw my mum with a job going to work and by the time I was a teenager doing my a-levels all she did was get at me and hang around me. She needed a job LOL!

YOUR outgoings...not ours!

Got quite a lot of debt to pay...about £600 a month. Which is already consolidated. Mostly DH's. Our mortgage is already really tiny - about £300 a month. All in all about £1500 a month in necessary outgoings. We also need to move as baby DD in bedroom with much older sister which is unfair on sister, who complains daily about it...and will need more money for that. I think I will wait until we are in a bigger hopefully not too much more expensive place then I might look at doing something like childminding.

I still think you need to separate out the 2 issues: the fact you don't like your job, and wanting to see more of your child.

If you are earning almost £30K and your necessary outgoings are £1500, then where is the rest going?

Without wanting to pry, are you being as economical as you can be?

With such a tiny mortgage,( it's half what my son pays for a shared room in a house) and 2 incomes, I wonder why you are struggling.

Do you think you might benefit from some financial advice-eg repaying off some loans etc etc- and another look at your career? Also, is your DH not able to earn more to tide you over until your youngest is at school?

I agree...finnancial advice and a bit of tough talk re the room sharing.....it's only a few years before the little one will be in school...the older DD should be made aware that sharing a room is what happens when you are lucky enough to get a sibling.

I shared with 2 sisters! That's three in one room...we were fine.

I also think that you don't seem convinced abut being a SAHM really...as though it's something you think you'd like but don;t want to bother making the changes needed.

As cabbageroses said...where's the rest of your money going?

I am a SAHM and will have to wait until DD3 is 3 to get affordable childcare and get back into a career. I worked on and off on a casual basis but in the summer was told no more work - they were getting it done free by students on 'work experience'

Our car is 20 years old and too small, I am in my (lovely) two bed flat with three kids, our sofa is about to give up, we cannot afford a holiday because DP's income has taken a dip due to recession.

I count myself lucky as there are many people in a far worse financial situation but I think it's important to realise what giving up your job might mean for your lifestyle.

OP- I am really sympathetic but from the figures you have given,£30K and essential outgoings of £1500 a month,( asume you have included bills, food, fuel etc in that) your salary alone should more than cover your essential outgoings. If you DH earns at least the average salary of £27K ( approx) then why can't you afford to change your job and do something that would enable you to see your DD more?

Have you looked at what you pay for the nursery and how much you would save if you stayed at home, or found a type of work that offered fewer hours- or the chance to work at home remotely?

You haven't said anything at all about your DH exxcept that the £600 a month debts are "his"- do you mean he has over spent on things for himself?

what comes over here to m eis that you are full of resentment over the need for yout to work, you don't like work that much and staying at home would in some way get you out of this.

are you telling us the whole story? Did you feel this way over your oldest child?

The grass is not always greener. Although I sympathise I have been in same position but being an entirely SAHM with little spare money to do things is not much fun either. I think it would be great if you could reduce your hours if possible. Then your child would still benefit from nursery she enjoys and you may be less well off but in a better position long term. My children are teenagers now and in retrospect I think a bit of both worlds(unless you have extremely rich husband!) is probably best option. Good luck.

I think if you really crave being a sahm then shift stuff to make it happen..some people just enjoy the whole experience of being around their kids full time-so i is a loss for them to be away.

I gave up a very well paid career and i am happy as a pig in mud to spend my days with my son, being really present to this magical time that will pass so quickly.

You will not lie on your death bed reflecting on the performance management to undertook in 2013 but the relationships you formed and memories of them.

Make it happen. Careers/jobs- they are just a means to making life how you want it and unless your identity or sanity or financial survival depends on it-nothing canbe more meaningful than time spent raising your child and the first 3 years are SO important.

No one will ever be as invested in your child as you are.

"nothing can be more meaningful than time spent raising your child"

Well, except that that's a sweeping statement whereby you presume to speak The One Truth about a completely subjective opinion.

And the OP is raising her child. FFS.

That said, OP, I do sympathise. I work part time, and the job's lovely and I'm lucky to have it, and I get bored and lonely when I'm home fulltime, but it's been true for me that the work is nowhere near as fulfilling and important as it was pre-children. It's a hard thing, but it's life.

Hear hear tortoiseonthehalfshell

The thread was moving along nicely, with various insights and bits of advice until lalamom's sanctimonious shite implying that a parent who works isn't raising their child.

The most important people in a child's life are their parents, whether they work full or part time or not at all.

As for the old chestnut:
"You will not lie on your death bed reflecting on the performance management to undertook in 2013 but the relationships you formed and memories of them."

• Actually, I think we may all very well lie on our death beds reflecting on the rich tapestry of our lives, which for many of us will include memories of family relationships, friends, places we've been to, and achievements we've made... which for many of us will encompass a life that involves work.

OP - if you are seriously unhappy working part time, then look at the reasons for that, and what to do to change it, though I do think cabbageandroses makes a very valid point, that if you don't like your job, you need to deal with that issue separately. You need, at some point, to consider whether you have truly fallen out of love with your job and need to find something else, or whether this is a temporary thing. Before long, your children will both be in school anyway, so its important that you have something you enjoy to focus on, other than being home with your kids.

It depends so much on your personality.

I am a SAHM and love it, but then I also love things that are free and cheap i.e going to the library (while I still can), long walks, charity shops.

My sister , who works full time, would be very unhappy with my lifestyle, things like nice haircuts, new clothes, frequent meals out are v important to her.

(discalimer:I am not judging her for this at all, in fact I admire her for her drive)

There is no easy answer- I stopped work completely for 6 years until my DC was just over a year then started working 1 evening a wek- in a college, teaching. When she was at nursery and school I increased this to part time day time. However, I never went back into teaching full time as I had no back up for child care and my DH was often overseas. I did abandon my career in effect. The teaching I did was not really what i wanted to be doing, but it fitted with child care- holidays and mornings only. .

Looking back- my DCs are now adults- I don't regret that at all. when they were early teens I started working from home- I also had a health issue which was another factor.

Had I gone back to teaching full time or almost full time, I know that I would have found it hard to juggle home and work- I used ot teach secondary and a subject with a massive workload- and due to DHs job I was often on my own.

we were not poor but we did without some things people take for granted- eg we never holidayed overseas etc and I have never had a flash new car.

Now my kids are adults I would not have changed anything- yes, my teaching career plumeted but I diversifed and now have another career which friends envy.

so- back to you, OP- if you really hate your job then change it- think medium and longer term about what you want in a career and try to work towards that.

I don't think children suffer if theri parents work- I just think the parents do if they are yearning to be at home more- so mak e it happen- there are other options always- you just have to find them!

There really is no easy answer OP. I really do feel for you. I think a lot of women who work feel the same

One thing I would point out is that being a SAHM does not mean that you have to spend loads of money on activities!

Parks are free. Crafty sessions at home are free. Swimming is still free (I think for kids?). You may meet other mums and go round to each others houses which is free.

ds2 is 2 and is only just starting swimming lessons this week. ds1 has lots of activities but he is 8 in june and didnt do any til he was nearly 6.

If you gave up work or got a different job/less hours what could you REALISTICALLY do without?

Would you need 2 cars?
Could you downsize your property?
Could you cut back on utility bills?
Are there any luxuries you could do without? ie. cable/satelite TV/meals out etc?
Can you do without at holiday or go camping instead?
(sorry if these have already been mentioned!)

I have been a SAHM for 8 years and (generally!) love it but it has meant that we have made sacrifices...
we go on hols in this country - self catering. No more long haul for us!!!
we dont really go out much
we dont spend much on ourselves
we dont smoke or drink
we have a car but own it (its 6 years old and I will be driving it til the wheels fall off!)
instead of moving to a larger property we have done up this house instead
our only luxury is cable TV!!!!

I know that when I worked I spent so much of my wages on petrol/public transport, new clothes/shoes for work, pack up to take to work etc etc I was amazed when I added it all up.

I wont lie...I sometimes wish I had my own money...I sometimes wish that the financial burden was not all on my dh BUT the benefits have far outweighed the cons for me. If my kids are ill, I dont have the stress of what to do. I can do the school runs, go to plays, school functions, have 1-1 time with ds2 whilst ds1 is at school.

I also volunteer as an assistant beaver leader too which I love.

I really hope you can come up with a plan that will work for you x

Thanks everyone. Now I see it written down I am sure there is a lot of stuff we can save on if we sit down and think about it. I don't think any job would make me happy when I could be spending time with my daughter - even if I imagine getting my dream job (and before having dd, this was pretty much it!) I would rather be at home.I only hate the job because of that - it's actually a nice job.

I felt the same with eldest DD but at that time I was single and would have had to live on benefits which I didn't want to do then. So I put it out of my mind.

I already buy most of our stuff from charity shops and cut my own hair so I'm not at all bothered about a luxurious lifestyle. Our car costs us but we can't really do without that as we live in a remote-ish area and would be really quite cut off without it, crap public transport,etc.

I think I will look at a way where DD can maybe stay at nursery 1 day a week to keep that link and not confuse her - I'll make that my goal even if takes a while to achieve it it will keep me going if I can think I'm only working for another X months.

Thanks you all for your replies.x

Even if you are a sahm,there is always other stuff that needs doing,when you feel you should be with kids.What tends to happen is you take on all housework,decorating, skip duties,walking dog duties,ferrying kids round,etc,so you still rush around,but relatives and others think you have all the time in the world.There really is no easy way,and the jobs you do at home go unrecognised.oh,and everyone you meet goes on about their job,or asks you when you are going back to work'and its a lot harder to motivate yourself at home;husband said he could never do it,he jokes,because of his lazy gene!

Tortoise and Violet

"unless your identity or sanity or financial survival depends on it-nothing can be more meaningful than time spent raising your child and the first 3 years are SO important."

Maybe that bit applies to you... I did say unless......I'm sorry you are so sensitive about other people's opinions.If other things are more meaningful for you-or others, then that is their experience.

I thought we are all clear on here that these represent strings of opinions.......so if your interpretation that I made a sweeping statement is bothering you just let go of it. It's just my opinion based on my experience and reading of others opinions about the importance of the first 3 years of a child's life.

It seemed to me that the OP was really craving being with her child full time and I encourage her to make that happen if she can do.

One woman's sanctimonious is another's encouraging.

We are all encouraging her to do what she feels is right.

Its the bullshit implication that she somehow isn't raising her child if she works, or that parents who work are somehow finding other things more meaningful than being with their child, which is insidious and unhelpful to everyone. Even if the op gives up her job totally, your implication is that her husband is finding work more meaningful than being with his children- simply because he's still working!

Most parents work- fact. Parents who work, almost always (probably about 99.9% of them) find their children and family life the most meaningful thing to them. They just don't see working ( or indeed other aspects of life which involve not being with their Children full time, such as sending their Children to school/playgroup/ or to grandma for an afternoon while they go shopping) as conflicting with raising their Children.

A

Oh and I don't think 'one persons sanctimonious is another persons encouragement'

It's quite possible to be encouraging without disrespecting other ways of doing things

OP- think it through, talk to your dh (because he is your equal parent and deserves to be involved) and do what is right for your family. Your children will be fine either way.