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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to just want to be a stay at home mum

164 replies

littlemissprairiegirl · 13/02/2011 14:04

I have been back at work for about a year and dd2 goes to nursery - other dd at school.

Seriously, I would give anything to be able to not have to work but there is no chance of that on DH salary. I have what you would consider a good job and am paid close to 30k a year to do something very fulfilling that lots of people would like to do but it just means nothing, I just want to be at home with DD. She loves nursery but I go out at lunchtime and see other mums with their babies and want to cry, it's all I want to do.It feels unnatural dropping her off at nursery and leaving her for other people to spend the day with.

Not intending this as SAHM v working mum, I just feel so down and wish I could jack it all in.

OP posts:
Portofino · 16/02/2011 20:42

I am not hot and bothered at all - I was just stating my case that it IS possible to have a bilingual child, and a happy, well adjusted child, and work FT. And to work in the private sector, and not in one of those old cushy public sector jobs. Wink

TheFallenMadonna · 16/02/2011 20:43

We need them equally, surely? I don't think an education system is a luxury item. We haven't had to shake up as much in response to the economic crisis, no. But we have had some massive changes recently. I barely recognised the profession when I came back to it after my SAHM sabbatical. Teachers are not allowed to be complacent, believe me. And more on the way of course. We are at the mercy of the whim of government more than the markets is all.

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 20:46

Well you see, TheFallenMadonna, I do think that state education is a luxury. Many, many countries cannot afford a decent state education system. Most children on the planet do not get a decent basic education. Why? Because their governments cannot afford it, because their private sectors are not big or healthy enough to provide the taxation revenue to fund it.

Without a private sector, there is no state sector. It really is as simple as that.

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 20:47

State your case all you like, Portofino, but you are not the case I was talking about (and of which I have literally hundreds of examples around me!).

lalamom · 16/02/2011 20:50

Clearly if a mother is so unhappy to be at home full time with her child and her sanity is at stake....well even a nursery staffed with more than a handful of disinterested care workers would arguably be better for that family, in my opinion.

There are many situations where it is just not possible for one parent to stay at home to care for the child. But there is a sliding scale of desirable options after what I consider to be the best option for a developing child, one to one care with an invested carer. Of course my opinion has been influenced by such research, as well as my instinct and observations of nurseries in the past. Here is what I have read in three different sets of research......
it suggests that children under 3 who are put in a nursery setting are seen to display more aggresive behaviour to their peers, be assessed as less socially capable by their teachers years later when they start school, and various other less desirable traits, in terms of their ability to relate to others.

I was very surpised to learn this when you hear people waxing on about the merits of the social side of nursery.

However this was concluded to be caused by the lower level of attention kids in nurseries get from a single carer.

Now I am convinced enough by that research/my experiences to make the choices that I think are best for my child, and I happen to like/not find it boring/etc being around him full time so I guess that makes it easier to make the sacrifices that go with the sahm lifestyle.I have many friends who have had to go back to work, some willingly and others unwillingly and people both do what they must do and what they actually want to do. But I do think there is a lot of pretending that 'all things are equal' because some people do feel conflicted.......so the 'truth' or 'facts' as you like to call them is ignored.

Of course research does not represent TRUTH, but research is how we learn about much in the world.

The fact is this is the first time in history that the family has been so thoroughly fragmented somehow by the busy lifestyles that we live. We have no idea what the repercussions of this will be a generation from now but I saw a lot of issues with the young people I worked with and in all honesty I think that children deserve the best start we can give them. We all must work out what constitutes that best start and do what we can to provide it.

We have different views on it. Maybe you have read different research and as another poster pointed out you were lucky enough not to have to put your child in wrap around care.

Violet I find your tone nearer to the 'nastiness' you critique in your fellow posters on here, simply because people are not agreeing with you.

Portofino · 16/02/2011 21:08

"a child's language skills are highly correlated with its main carer's language skills. Which is why the concept of "mother-tongue" is important."

Of course if you have a nou-nou and see your child for 5 minutes a day then that is going to be the case. I DON'T think this is true for most working mothers though. You appear to be talking about families that don't give much of stuff about their children, as opposed to families that strive to have some balance. And you get those everywhere. The OP though, does not appear to be one.

blueshoes · 16/02/2011 21:09

Since when did teachers have cushy hours? My dd's teachers work way harder than me with my cushy set hours number in the private sector. All that preparation work and extracurricular contributions must surely add up.

Not all responsible private sector jobs, even those in the City demand crazy hours or overwhelming commitment. They may not be the client facing ones or ones which command astronomical remuneration but there are a legion of management and professional jobs in the middle and back office that pay very nicely indeed for sane even pt hours with hardly any travelling.

Not sure how you would measure a teacher's productivity. I would imagine if they were teaching classroom's of 30+, they would be caning it in the classroom. Cannot speak for other public sector jobs as the range is too wide.

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 21:11

blueshoes - violethill keeps telling us all about them Wink

Ilovebagsandbruuuce · 16/02/2011 21:11

Aww I know how you're feeling op. I used to work 4 days after my first baby. Then had my second and REALLY didn't want to go back. I was earning similar to you and there was no way we could survive on dh's salary and keep up a decent standard of living (ie pay bills, and have some left after saving, for decent treats etc). Anyway, a friend suggested childminding. So I went through the process, took the plunge and resigned from my well paid but stressy job. Best thing I ever did. I get to take my children to school each day, am there in the school hols, am my own boss and I actually look forward to the minded children coming! The pay isn't as good but then I'm not spending on childcare, fuel getting to work etc and I make enough for us to remain comfortable, though I have had to scale back in minor luxuries such as luxury shampoos etc. I do work 5 days a week but I don't mind that. Dont know if it might be an option?

Hope you find a solution!

blueshoes · 16/02/2011 21:12

Bonsoir, I think your examples of working motherhood are a little extreme. Perhaps it reflects your world, but it is hardly indicative of the working mothers I meet, which is significant, since they are my colleagues in all the places I have worked.

It is not all or nothing. Lots of working parents find a decent balance, in partnership with their other halves, if there is one.

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 21:16

Blueshoes - I know lawyers, bankers, doctors, marketing directors, finance directors... they all work very long hours and travel for work. I know a lot of people in a lot of professions in a lot of countries. I was recently at a seminar about quotas for women on Boards full of women and men with long hours/travel issues. I don't think it's extreme.

TheFallenMadonna · 16/02/2011 21:18

Well, I'm thinking chicken and egg their Bonsoir.

noodle69 · 16/02/2011 21:19

I agree its very rare to find a mum working hours like that. Its also relatively rare (even though i have worked in lots of nurseries) to have a child in from 8-6 everyday. Most people dont work hours like that in my experience.

Violethill · 16/02/2011 21:21

OP do what makes you and your family happy.

Just be careful of the fallout though -because when you achieve a balance of family and work life which makes you happy and fulfilled, and your children happy, you can bet you'll be chased around Mumsnet by a couple of posters who are very angry that a woman can dare to be happy! Wink

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 21:22

noodle69 - the people I know don't use nurseries and one reason is that the nurseries don't cover their working hours. I also know people with two nannies... even three nannies...

TheFallenMadonna · 16/02/2011 21:23

there

Yikes

blueshoes · 16/02/2011 21:24

Ahh, I know that crowd. They are not the end all and be all. As I said, something will give - what you are not meeting who have a decent role in a company but will not be aspiring to board level at a company or equivalent and its demands you describe.

My point is there are many jobs that don't require that level of travelling or sell-your-soul-type commitment, but which are quite well paid with relevant experience. I have had to cultivate the marketable skills that will get me that sort of job.

TheFallenMadonna · 16/02/2011 21:25

You know that that is a long way from being the norm, don't you Bonsoir?

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 21:26

blueshoes - you sound very confident in your ability to dictate your terms to your employer, and good for you if you achieve that. I certainly don't just know people who aspire to Board positions - I know plenty of women who have taken a career step back since having children. But the travel... it is a killer. Just about manageable if you have both a mother and a MIL ready and willing to jump in and take over for a week several times a year, really difficult if you don't.

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 21:27

TheFallenMadonna - it really is the big city norm, you know.

Portofino · 16/02/2011 21:28

In Belgium I get extra holiday because as I am in a managerial role I am expected to work 40+ hours/be a bit flexible - as opposed to just doing the standard 36/37 hour week. They are even stricter in France about these things. I am astounded that everyone Bonsoir knows only gets to see their kids for 5 mins a day. Fair enough, I must not mix in the same circles.

blueshoes · 16/02/2011 21:28

Bonsoir, a family that requires 2 or 3 nannies is really quite unusual.

I don't think I know anyone in my dcs' 2 private schools that needs that many nannies. As I said, parents tend to find a balance.

noodle69 · 16/02/2011 21:28

That isnt normal for most working mums. I think nurseries are beneficial as you spent a few hours there and then the rest at home. (eg most are maybe a couple of mornings, or afternoons or 2/3 days) That goes across 5 settings I have worked in including 4 nursery settings and afterschool care.

It is rare that someone is in 8-6 everyday I could name the kids on one hand I have cared for that have hours that are that long.

This is why the debate on whether childcare is 'bad' is silly as the norms of working parents vary so much in different areas. Everything in moderation is usually the answer.

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 21:29

My DP's Regional Directors (who are hardly aspiring international career people) all travel away from home several nights a week. Pretty standard sort of job.

Portofino · 16/02/2011 21:31

"My point is there are many jobs that don't require that level of travelling or sell-your-soul-type commitment, but which are quite well paid with relevant experience." Blueshoes, I work with these people. Hell there are even blokes there who take their full allocation of parental leave and take some days off when their kids are little.