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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just want to be a stay at home mum

164 replies

littlemissprairiegirl · 13/02/2011 14:04

I have been back at work for about a year and dd2 goes to nursery - other dd at school.

Seriously, I would give anything to be able to not have to work but there is no chance of that on DH salary. I have what you would consider a good job and am paid close to 30k a year to do something very fulfilling that lots of people would like to do but it just means nothing, I just want to be at home with DD. She loves nursery but I go out at lunchtime and see other mums with their babies and want to cry, it's all I want to do.It feels unnatural dropping her off at nursery and leaving her for other people to spend the day with.

Not intending this as SAHM v working mum, I just feel so down and wish I could jack it all in.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 20:00

LOL - hit a little raw nerve there, did I, violethill. Stop shouting and think about what I wrote (since you are obviously not a teacher of economics) Wink

ssd · 16/02/2011 20:05

god bonsoir your dd in your profile, she's more stylish than me!!

I think (secretly of course!) violethill would love you to be jealous of her, but the reality is most of us are jealous of you!

Violethill · 16/02/2011 20:06

Lol I absolutely understand the economics - thats why I earn a good income in a cushy job - as you keep following me' around on threads to point out!!!!

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 20:09

No you don't understand the economics. You keep telling us about you and how the whole world could follow your example. But the whole world cannot - the state sector only exists because there is a private sector to fund it. So stop crowing about how good you have it - lovely that you love your job/life etc but it is not an example for others. Most people have private sector jobs with private sectors terms and conditions, which are very hard ("dire", in your own words), and there is no choice about that.

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 20:11

ssd - I can tell you where DD buys her clothes, if you like Wink

TheFallenMadonna · 16/02/2011 20:12

Not every responsible job in the private sector Bonsoir. I'm sure you've posted that your DP takes hs sons to school every day, as does my DH. And he is generally home well before bedtime.

I of course am a slacker teacher Wink, one of those apparently bringing the country to its knees...

I was a SAHM for 5 years though too - loved it.

sobloodystupid · 16/02/2011 20:13

And me bon please, my lo is like a ragamuffin...

Violethill · 16/02/2011 20:14

Dear dear do you want me to feel terribly guilty for having made life decisions which allow me to have an interesting career while raising three children in a happy marriage?

Your issue, not mine!

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 20:14

No longer, TheFallenMadonna. La crise has put paid to that kind of lifestyle for my DP and everyone else in the private sector that I know - everyone has to work a lot longer and a lot harder now. I haven't noticed many teachers having to work 50% harder for less money though.

ssd · 16/02/2011 20:14

Grin bonsoir

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 20:15

No violethill, I don't want you to feel guilty. But I don't think you should be so keen to offer up your own lifestyle as some kind of universal panacea. It just sounds very ignorant of economic reality.

ssd · 16/02/2011 20:17

violet, I posted this earlier.....

I can't understand violet who tries so hard to convince us her way is the only way and all of her arguements seem to be on the basis of "if you don't agree with me you are talking bullshit" or worse trying to belittle your grammer...so very patronising...

you are still being patronising....

and beginning to grate

Portofino · 16/02/2011 20:22

I think the bilingual argument is bollocks. I have worked FT in the private secctor since dd was 5 months old. She speaks English and French perfectly well and can swap between languages with ease. She has also started to learn Dutch.

She is a happy, bright, confident individual, who at Xmas was 2nd in the class. She mixes very well with other children, though gets into trouble for chatting in class. She gets lots of attention at home.

The WOHM/SAHM argument is more about what the PARENTS want I think. If you seek suitable settings for the dcs they will be fine either way.

TheFallenMadonna · 16/02/2011 20:23

Well, mighty glad for DH's job then. No, I'm not working 50% harder (harder? longer hours, what?) for less pay. How would it help the economy (definitely not an economics teacher)? Neither is DH though, to be fair. And he earns a darned sight more than I.

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 20:24

Portofino - I thought both you and your DH were English and that you both spoke English at home? Ergo you are not a bilingual family?

TheFallenMadonna · 16/02/2011 20:27

Well, obviously I get the less pay bit. I'm not that bad at economics Grin

Portofino · 16/02/2011 20:27

But it is dd that is truly bilingual. Your argument was that having a SAHM influenced this and that a WOHM would mean the child was language deprived in some way. I don't agree that that is true.

Violethill · 16/02/2011 20:28

Thanks for the voice of reason portofino.
I am not suggesting everyone follows what is right for my family. This thread has confirmed that many women don't want a career. No problem! I just cant understand the mentality whereby some women then carp and criticise those of us who do. Its as if they just cant relax until they've convinced themselves that either our children, or us, or both, are suffering in some way.

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 20:28

TheFallenMadonna - of course it would help the economy if teachers worked longer hours and/or more productively (eg more students per class to the same standard, same number of students to a higher standard...) for the same pay. But public sector workers, for a whole host of reasons, are slow to improve productivity. Private sector workers generally have to pull up their sleeves/get their neurons firing a lot more quickly.

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 20:29

No Portofino - you haven't understood the bilingual example. It wasn't referring to families such as yours - you are confused (or confusing).

Portofino · 16/02/2011 20:32

Ergo, my dd spends 8 hours a day in a French speaking environment, and 4 (waking) hours in an English one - though for part of that time she is watching French tv....so therefore her English should be relatively poor, but it isn't. And she reads and writes in English at the same level as she does in French.

TheFallenMadonna · 16/02/2011 20:33

Well, objectively (and leaving aside any issues surrounding grade inflation), teachers in state schools have actually been doing that for the past however many years. GCSE and A level results are on the up. And I teach bigger classes than I used to as well (fewer staff in my school than there were). So maybe I am doing my bit for the economy after all.

Portofino · 16/02/2011 20:33

Would it make a difference then if my DH was French, as in your case? I think not.

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 20:38

TheFallenMadonna - I was referring to the current crisis, and that in the past couple of years private sector workers have had to increase their productivity hugely. I really don't think anyone could argue that the state teaching profession has had to shake itself up to that extent so recently and so quickly (and face so many redundancies).

I have nothing against teachers, or state workers - we need a lot of them. But we need private sector workers more... and there is an issue with relative terms and conditions of service.

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 20:39

Portofino - you are getting all hot and bothered about an argument that no-one set out!