to just want to be a stay at home mum

[littlemissprairiegirl]

I have been back at work for about a year and dd2 goes to nursery - other dd at school.

Seriously, I would give anything to be able to not have to work but there is no chance of that on DH salary. I have what you would consider a good job and am paid close to 30k a year to do something very fulfilling that lots of people would like to do but it just means nothing, I just want to be at home with DD. She loves nursery but I go out at lunchtime and see other mums with their babies and want to cry, it's all I want to do.It feels unnatural dropping her off at nursery and leaving her for other people to spend the day with.

Not intending this as SAHM v working mum, I just feel so down and wish I could jack it all in.

I am about to go back to work full-time (DD will be in nursery 8am-5pm, five days a week) because I was bored stiff spending my days MN-ing cleaning, shopping and going to boring play groups. Each to their own.

OP, I feel for you, but in your heart of hearts you must know that you cannot afford not to work unless you are willing to completely change your lifestyle - which means a big lifestyle change for your children, too.

I am a big believer in making the best of what you've got if you can't change it. Sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear, but you can;t spend lunchtimes bursting into tears over this.

Hope you resolve things soon.

Well, it is not nasty to say that kids are better at home with a parent, or to say you're not their main carer if you only care for them an hour or two a day. It may be hard to hear if you're conflicted about it but it's just a view.

What I'm interested in is, when a parent (dad or mum) is far enough away from the baby years to see that having a work life has not affected the child negatively at all - ie the child has become a confident, successful and happy adult, and when the parent feels that they have always spent enough time with their children and don't feel that they've missed out either...... What stick are they going to be beaten with next?
Because clearly its simply not acceptable to a minority of women for any parent to feel they've found a healthy balance!

Violethill - what about when a parent is far enough from the baby years to be full of regrets about the little time they spent with their children, and can see how their children have not fulfilled their potential as a result?

It is your perception Violet - I have a view ( based on, oh - um human evolution since the dawn of time ) that young children thrive best in the home environment with their family.
If some parents who don't or can't provide that see that as a stick to be beaten with I'm sorry - the point is it's about what's best for the holistic development of children, not ensuring that their parents feel ok about working because they want to/had to. I have huge sympathy with those who have to work but want to be home with kids. But that wouldn't stop me saying that I believe what's BEST for that child is to be raised at home with a parent.

Bonsoir on the flip side of that though how can you ever be sure that if you had stayed with them 'full time' they would be any different or that you as the carer wouldn't have resented every second of every day with them?

So you seem to be saying, bonsoir , that its a gamble, because for every person who may regret working and feel its had a detrimental effect on family life, there may equally well be another who regrets NOT working, and feel it's had a negative impact on family life.

In other words , each family needs to do what is right for them, within the limits of choices available to them. Which is what I have suggested the OP should do!

There are no cast iron guarantees either way... You make considered decisions, preferably with BOTH parents having input as equals, and be bloody thankful when happy, confident young adults (and an interesting work life too, if you made that choice!) are the result!

I agree, Violethill. My mother worked full-time when we were little, rose to a senior level in a big corporation, and was, frankly, inspirational. She was, and is, a fantastic mother. I have never for a minute felt I missed out.

She recently admitted that at times she felt very guilty about leaving us in after school clubs or with my grandmother or with friends mums after school etc. She needn't have ever felt guilty! I never felt that my mother wasn't there when I needed her. We have always been incredibly close and still are, and I feel sad that she ever wasted a moment of her life feeling that she wasn't being the best mother ever - because she was.

I'm afraid I simply simply don't agree that children who's mothers stay at home for years on end to bring them up are in any way more fortunate than children who's mothers work. Children are incredibly flexible and adaptable, and will cope quite well, ime, with all sorts of home/work/parenting arrangements as long as they are loved and provided for.

What makes me chuckle is the posters who claim to be non judgemental, and that they really think its up to each individual to make their own choice, 'but then preface their own individual preference to not work with ' oh and I'm basing my observations on the whole of human evolution!'. So yeah, right, you really do believe its all down to individual choice - as long as we all understand that your choice is superior lol

For the record, I don't claim that my children are better off for having working parents. Neither are they worse off.

The only advantage that I would claim is that its been considerably better for my sanity - and the pay and pension are great too!

pommedeterre - I live in an environment where there are absolutely masses of bilingual families. And one thing is for sure: when the parent who speaks the minority language WOHM, it is very rare for the DCs to be balanced bilinguals - they find it hard (sometimes impossible) to master their parent's language. Which I always find an interesting insight into what parents pass on (or don't pass on) to their children because of their presence.

Interesting tangent. Not applicable to language skills generally though.

I work in a nursery and my child is with me 24/7 but I would definitely put my child in nursery if I couldnt for some reason work at my nursery. I think nursery is fantastic and that children thrive in that environment. One of the most common things you hear a parent say at my nursery is I cant believe how much has come on since they started nursery.

Actually on another interesting note, my dd1 had vastly advanced language skills compared with the dd of her child minder (who obviously was home all day with her mum). CMs daughter was 4 months older than my dd. That was at age two though- now both 19

On the contrary, violethill, a child's language skills are highly correlated with its main carer's language skills. Which is why the concept of "mother-tongue" is important.

We see many children who come in to setting with speech and language problems which completely turn around after being in a sociable nursery environment. Its very common.

noodle69 - exactly. Where a child is at home in a language-impoverished environment, exposed to limited vocabulary, poor syntax etc, its language skills will improve immensely from exposure to a richer linguistic environment.

"a child's language skills are highly correlated with its main carer's language skills. "

Absolutely. I was just not assuming (as you are) that a parent who works outside the home isn't the main carer. I worked outside the home part time from when my dd1 was 12 weeks old. I was still the main carer, looking after my child for the majority of the time. DH came second to that - and he was working full time! You have to have both parents working in inordinate number of hours between them to actually no longer be the main carer. I don't think I know any parents who fit that description - but perhaps you mix in different circles to me!

I agree with you violethill

I certainly know plenty of parents who only see their children at breakfast and for 5 minutes at bed time, Monday to Friday - and that is a best scenario, because all those parents travel extensively for work and won't see their children every day. If both parents in a couple have those sorts of working patterns, are they still the main carer(s)?

Gosh, no, im glad I don't know loads of people like that- sounds dire!

Maybe it sounds dire to you, violethill, but that is the nature of responsible jobs in the private sector. Think yourself lucky not to have one!

Absolutely Bonsoir - I just slum it in my interesting and well paid public sector role - you haven't mentioned it for a while, but obviously still bugging you eh?!!!

violethill - what bugs me is how obtuse you are about dual working couples and how not everyone can possibly have the cushy hours that teachers like you have. The economy, supported as it is by the private sector, cannot possibly afford to support lots of state-sector workers doing shorter hours than private sector workers. I think you should stop crowing about your perfect work-life balance and realise that it is not just "the bankers" but also the state sector that has brought the UK to its knees.

ROFL - you've finally admitted it Bonsoir. You're just so ANGRY and FRUSTRATED and DISCONTENTED and ENVIOUS!

Why don't you become a teacher yourself? After all, in senior management, the pay and pension are great, and the hours are just so darn cushy!

Or can't you cut the mustard???

(Waits for predictable response!)

I think that in a way the OP is seeking "permission" to chuck in her job, imho. I adore Bonsoir's sense of style and her confidence but I need to work full time (both in the financial and emotional sense). Of course I feel guilty working full time, but I also love the adrenaline of the job most of the time. I have 3 under 5 and consider myself and dh to raise our children in our way. Our CM is wonderful and of course cares for the dc brilliantly but to our codes of behaviour, diet, manners etc. I can't bear that someone might feel(like me!) that because I didn't stay at home until the kids were 3, I've been neglectful or failed them in some way. I am happy, contented with the crazy busy life I have, the kids have a happy,occassionally stressed, frequently tired Mum, like most mums I imagine. Violethill, I am a public sector worker and am grateful for the job I have, though I am (honestly!) incredibly overworked. Ladies, at ease!