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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stop MIL from caring for DS. Now she won't talk to us.

167 replies

Mozismyhero · 10/02/2011 18:55

Quick background - My MIL has reduced mobility due to various health issues. This means she finds it difficult to stand from the sofa or walk upstairs, for instance.

Our DS is 3 months. MIL has got the impression that she would be caring for him one day a week when I return to work. It is possible that DH said this to her early on in my pregnancy when he was excited but it is not something we seriously considered due to her health issues (FIL also unwell).

A few weeks ago while at PIL's house, SIL asked what was happening to DS when I returned to work. I said, without thinking, that my family were going to care for him. MIL became upset (apparently crying after we left). This is understandable and wasn't my intention to upset her.

Anyway, she has ignored us ever since. We have tried to contact her on numerous occasions, phone, text, have written a letter, but still no reply.

So, AIBU to not allow PIL to care for DS for long period of time while I'm at work (will be about 10 hours)? Any ideas on how we can resolve this? DH agrees with me by the way and ask asked me to post on here for ideas!

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 10/02/2011 18:58

No. She is not physically up to it. It would be irresponsible of you to let her care for a baby when she is not up to it and you know that. So you are doing the right thing.

Don't back down.

You've tried to make contact. If she wants to sulk, let her. The loser here is her as she won't see her grandchild.

Chaotica · 10/02/2011 19:02

No. YANBU. I had similar issues with my own mum who was just too frail to look after dcs on her own. I wouldn't have left them for a couple of hours, and certainly wouldn't have counted on her as a regular carer. It was a shame, but you have to be practical. I hope your MIL stops sulking soon.

purpleturtle · 10/02/2011 19:05

Do you think it may have hit her harder because you are entrusting your DS to your family, but not her? I am aware sometimes that my MIL thinks she sees less of my DC than my parents do. It's not true, but she obviously feels insecure about it and sometimes probes me for information.

Katisha · 10/02/2011 19:08

Sounds like you have done everything you can with letters and calls.

Can you get SIL to talk to her - you don't want some vast feud brewing.

AMumInScotland · 10/02/2011 19:08

YANBU - your baby's safety and welfare matter more than her hurt feelings.

But you could try to make sure you visit more often than you normally would for a while, to let her know you still want your baby to develop a strong relationship with her. I don't know if you would normally "pop by" unannounced, but that might get over the "not responding" issue, as if you're on the doorstep its hard to ignore you!

olderandwider · 10/02/2011 19:09

I think the best thing to do now is see if your SIL could intercede on your behalf. Your PIL are clearly devastated, understandably so, but it seems like a genuine misunderstanding. Perhaps SIL could try and gently explain that your motives are to not hurt them but to avoid putting them under strain?

Another idea: could your mum perhaps talk to your MIL and suggest a bit of babycare-sharing? In a casual, off hand ish way? Then perhaps your mum would see how the PIL are really placed to look after your DS. They may be more capable then you think - perhaps a morning a week is feasible?

Tricky one. I feel for you!

taintedpaint · 10/02/2011 19:10

If DH did say something to her about letting her care for DS, it's understandable that she would be upset to find out that she now won't be allowed to do that. Presuming that your attempts at contact have included an apology on that score, you are no longer in the wrong.

That said, this is really not a situation where you can compromise. The woman, as nice as she may be, is obviously not in a position to be caring for DS, so if MIL thinks the silent treatment will manipulate you into allowing her to take care of DS, she's wrong because it's not something you can back down on.

I think you just need to wait this one out. You have done your best to make things better, if she persists in tantruming about it, then that's her decision, but it doesn't make you wrong.

KangarooCaught · 10/02/2011 19:11

YANBU, my CM has stopped looking after babies because of mobility problems, and now just does before and after school care.

Keep lines of communication open and try to involve her in other things - (grandma happily talks away to dc3 who's a baby & am about to send them a fridge picture of the dcs) but if she's closer, maybe tea once a week or going to a baby group with you?

catzcream · 10/02/2011 19:12

YANBU

Your priority is to ensure your child is safe tbh. How far apart (physically) are your inlaws and your parents? Is there any chance that your IL's can see your DC with your parents once a week perhaps?

DuelingFanjo · 10/02/2011 19:14

yanbu but perhaps you do need to talk to her about other options, i.e time she can spend with him. maybe she feels a little left out and her mobility issues must be really upsetting for her, specially when it impacts on the time she can spend with grandchildren. Try being a bit sympathetic.

Original poster

Mozismyhero · 10/02/2011 19:15

Yes, purple, think you are right and she is more upset that my family are caring for him. Have apologised and explained our reasons so really don't know what else to do now. SIL not really on our 'side', is 'siding' with her mum and doesn't want to get involved anyway.

Think going round is all we can do but DH not keen as we're not sure what kind of reception we'll get (we were ignored after I dropped the bomb last time we were there).

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 10/02/2011 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsKLo · 10/02/2011 19:15

Your mil is being an arse and incredibly selfish. Yanbu at all

Let her sulk - silly woman. You have tried contacting her and if she wants to cut off her nose to spite her face let her. You have done nothing wrong

MsKLo · 10/02/2011 19:18

And the fact she has the hump
That your parents are looking after the baby more than anything else also
Exposes her as a nasty jealous arse so just let her sulk as she is totally out of order!

MadamDeathstare · 10/02/2011 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Mozismyhero · 10/02/2011 19:19

Have honestly been sympathetic Dueling. Want her to spend time with him. We take him up once a week for tea, or did before this. We were going to suggest a day out somewhere before this. She is part of his life, just don't feel she can care for him on her own for any length of time, particularly when he becomes mobile.

OP posts:

Katisha · 10/02/2011 19:19

Is she prone to sulking generally? EMotional manipulation?

CrapBag · 10/02/2011 19:19

YANBU.

She isn't in a fit state to look after your DS, she should realise that.

Sulking to is petty and if she isn't responding, I would stop bothering now until she makes contact. You have clearly tried everything. She is the one who will miss out on seeing her DGS and I wouldn't be going out of my way to bow down to petty sulks.

I don't see why your mum should have to take your DS around there either. If she is looking after him, she may have her own plans about what she is doing anyway.

Wait for your MIL to stop having her tantrum, then just visit as normal.

MsKLo · 10/02/2011 19:20

You should not be apologising to her at all- she needs to aplologise to you for her nasty jealous behaviour! All you needed to do was explain the situation and leave t at that

AMumInScotland · 10/02/2011 19:20

I think going round is best. Even if you get a bad reception, maybe it will let them express their anger/unhappiness, you to apologise for the fact that their expectations have been dashed, and then the air is clear and things will hopefully get better.

Original poster

Mozismyhero · 10/02/2011 19:27

Yes, Katisha, she is prone to this type of behaviour.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 10/02/2011 19:31

Yanbu

she is.

taintedpaint · 10/02/2011 19:31

MsKlo, I think you're going too far. There has seemingly been a misunderstanding here, MIL has been lead to believe that she will have some care of the baby and has now been bluntly told she won't. She has every right to be upset to a degree. That doesn't make her nasty and jealous, it makes her hurt.

As I said above, presuming the OP has apologised (and yes, for the mistake, she and DH do need to apologise), then MIL is in the wrong to continue tantruming. But to presume it is coming out of jealousy of nasty feelings is wildly premature. She probably is just very hurt.

OP, you still should not back down, but as you are aware, some sympathy for MIL's upset is a given, and it does seem that you are doing what you can to rectify things. :)

taintedpaint · 10/02/2011 19:33

of or nasty.... I meant.

Fredachick · 10/02/2011 19:37

You poor thing. It does sound like serious emotional manipulation but you cannot afford to give in and don't give in.
I would never let my MIL look after my dcs when they were babies. I didn't trust her (neither does dh so not a divisive decision from me).

Tbh I am surprised at your MIL behaviour. She must be aware of her limitations caused by her reduced mobility, just not ready to face up to them.

Perhaps if you turned up unannounced with DS as another poster suggested and apologised then said you hadn't asked her because you didn't want to wear her out and it never occurred to you that she would be offended as it was never intentional and you were only thinking of her, then she may come round?

If not, it is painful but you will have to learn to rise above it. As your ds gets older and ever more gorgeous she is the one missing out. However, if I have learnt anything from my situation you do have to compromise at some point, like it or not. Can she do an evening when you know ds is asleep? Just an idea...

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