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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop MIL from caring for DS. Now she won't talk to us.

167 replies

Mozismyhero · 10/02/2011 18:55

Quick background - My MIL has reduced mobility due to various health issues. This means she finds it difficult to stand from the sofa or walk upstairs, for instance.

Our DS is 3 months. MIL has got the impression that she would be caring for him one day a week when I return to work. It is possible that DH said this to her early on in my pregnancy when he was excited but it is not something we seriously considered due to her health issues (FIL also unwell).

A few weeks ago while at PIL's house, SIL asked what was happening to DS when I returned to work. I said, without thinking, that my family were going to care for him. MIL became upset (apparently crying after we left). This is understandable and wasn't my intention to upset her.

Anyway, she has ignored us ever since. We have tried to contact her on numerous occasions, phone, text, have written a letter, but still no reply.

So, AIBU to not allow PIL to care for DS for long period of time while I'm at work (will be about 10 hours)? Any ideas on how we can resolve this? DH agrees with me by the way and ask asked me to post on here for ideas!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 10/02/2011 20:02

You have apologised, you have tried to get in touch and you have tried to explain. She has continued to ignore you. Yes she was hurt but after the initial shock at your (admittedly tactless!) announcement, it could have been discussed and resolved but she is refusing to do that.

So leave her be. She is now choosing to drag this out longer than needs be in an attempt to manipulate you into changing your minds. By continuing to try and win her round you are enabling her sulks as she has a reason to do it, the reward being seeing and hearing you two grovel. She has power over you at the moment because you feel guilty, and is not going to give that up without a fight. The only way you can deal with that is by ignoring her stupid behaviour.

Ring perhaps once a week instead of the visit you would normally make. If she doesnt answer leave a breezy "Just calling to say hi and see how you are, speak soon" and dont mention this issue again.

Remember above all, that she is choosing to behave like this. No one is making her do this, and you are not responsible for how she behaves. As I say to my children "What someone does to upset you is down to them, how you react to it is down to you".

MsKLo · 10/02/2011 23:04

We are going to have to agree to disagree taintedpaint as I stand by what I said and echo others who say the OP is enabling her mil's behaviour by ringing etc

I still think the mil is acting like a selfish, jealous, nasty little twat! Poor OP having to deal with that!

GiddyPickle · 10/02/2011 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsKLo · 10/02/2011 23:14

Giddy
She does say in her intro that fil is not well

AuntiePickleBottom · 10/02/2011 23:18

perhaps you could come to an arrangement where mil has the baby aslong as sil is also there, perhaps to do the weekly shop...or to have your hair done.

GiddyPickle · 10/02/2011 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

taintedpaint · 10/02/2011 23:24

"selfish, jealous, nasty little twat", eh MsKlo? Do you have IL issues by any chance? Because even if this MIL is actually nasty anyway, she still has a valid reason to be upset. I'm not saying her continued reaction is acceptable, but your evaluation of her is heartless. Can't actually believe you could be that horrible. Even OP hasn't said anything that harsh.

(I liked you on other threads, I didn't see that coming from you, I have to say :()

NoWayNoHow · 10/02/2011 23:24

It sounds like she is neither physically NOR mentally capable of looking after your LO. If she can be this childish and silly after an offhand comment, especially when you've attempted since to mend fences, then she really can't expect you still to be realistically considering her as a carer.

Tryharder · 10/02/2011 23:26

MsKlo Hmm. The MIL is a twat?? Get real!

I have to say I think you are being a bit U. She has limited mobility which means that she probably couldn't look after a toddler very well - granted. But why could she not look after a baby? I have a friend who has MS - same mobility issues - and she looked after her baby perfectly well. You don't need to be able to run a fecking marathon to cuddle, change and feed a baby that cannot walk or crawl.

Have you actually asked her if she'll be able to manage or did you make the decision without consulting her. I know it;s your decision, your baby etc etc but it wouldn't hurt to include her more. Is there no way to compromise?

wayoftheworld · 10/02/2011 23:37

I agree with tryharder OP- you should at least discuss this issue with her. Try and have a trial before you go to work to see whether she is able to cope or not- you and your child need to feel happy about this arrangment. But I would def consider her giving her a chance!!

Hope it works!

Dozer · 11/02/2011 00:05

Agree with giddypickle - badly handled.

Violethill · 11/02/2011 06:58

The perils of involving family in regular childcare.... Seems to lead to all sorts of issues and upsets. Far better to feel that you can choose the best sort of care that you want, than to feel pressurised to use family

dreamsofsea · 11/02/2011 07:29

We got a babysitter for our dc. She came highly recommended from loads of mums at the nursery. Glowing references. I knew she was old. Everyone calls her granny x. I must say I was taken aback when she arrived, walking stick, just had hipbreplacement, 70 years old!

I didn't have the guts heart to send her away after she'd hobbled come all the way over, so I though I'd give her a trial run. And you know what, much to my surprise, she was the best baby sitter we ever had. She played faces with them, cooked for them, brought them treats, took them to the playground. And was very calm and firm. The kids loved her. (Yes, she coped with several kids at once, including a 16 month old)

So my point is, mobility issues, depending on severity of course, don't necessarily have to exclude her from looking after her gdc. While sulking is not an attractive quality, I totally understand why she's so jealous and angry and upset. Is she really so bad she can't look after gdc? I really think looking at all realistic and possible options is only fair. Getting older must be tough too, so doubly upsetting to just be written off. Don't like sulking but I feel sorry for her. You & your dh have made a big mistake and I still think you should try to fix this, not just shrug and say 'her loss'.

catwhiskers10 · 11/02/2011 07:39

YANBU it may be ok now as your DS can't move around, but how will they care for him properly when he can crawl and walk?

RMCW · 11/02/2011 07:51

hmm..I can see why she is upset but I can also see why you dont want her caring for your child.

Difficult one.

How about taking round reguarly once a week -say at the weekend - to see them? Could they babysit at night at all?

Thing is, its not so bad when they are babies that stay where you put them....when your child is a climbing, demanding toddler it will be frankly dangerous to leave him there.

Dont involve your SIL.

Your dh needs to go round and see them face to face and explain.

It could well be that your MIL is more upset because its your family that will be caring for him IYSWIM?

dreamsofsea · 11/02/2011 07:59

I agree, don't involve the sil, she's already asked this anyway and you'll only get her back up too. I would suggest you keep completely out of it as well tbh and leave it to dh to sort out.

Of course she is even angrier and more upset and jealous because it's your family and not a nursery. I think jealousy bwn grandparents, especially grandmas is common.

My mum has always been jealous of the close relationship my kids have with their paternal grandparents.

What do you mean exactly, but your family caring for him? Your mum or sister or what? Is this full time?

HelenBa · 11/02/2011 08:12

I think you are being a bit U, she is hurt because she won't see as much a part of your DS's life as she thought and from her perspective she was told so in a very thoughtless way.
If you live near enough for her to look after your DS then you should go round to talk it over and explain rather than writing or calling.

DeidreBarlow · 11/02/2011 08:14

Oh OP I really understand where you are coming from. MY MIL used to look after DD, her health then got significantly worse and we put DD in nursery. I remember when MIL got (marginally) better she expected us to remove DD from nursery. It just wasn't possible she was nowhere near fit enough to look after an 18 mth old.

Is there anyway at all you can try and get to see her more with DS? Try and arrange a couple of hours she could watch him while you did the shopping or something? She may be able to cope for such a short space of time. It was this kind of smaller 'childminding' that meant my MIL didn't feel excluded or redundant as DD's Grandma.

But YADNBU. I hope she see's you are just trying to do the best for your child.

Original poster
Mozismyhero · 12/02/2011 12:49

Here's the latest...

DH went up to MIL's this morning. Started to try to tell her our reasons, apologise, say we want her to look after him when he's older, babysit in the evening etc.

Didn't get past the apology. She threw him out saying "I have no son and I have no grandson" Angry Sad

All the pictures of us and DS have gone from the house.

OP posts:
Clytaemnestra · 12/02/2011 12:52

Her loss then.
Don't grovel any more, if she's that vindictive and unstable I wouldn't want her looking after a baby anyway.

Is your FIL involved with this?

Gemsy83 · 12/02/2011 12:54

MsKlo why do you always have to resort to pathetic behaviour such as labelling someone you dont even know 'twats' and suchlike? You make yourself look so childish!

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 12/02/2011 12:55

I'm sorry that your MIL has done this, it is a dramatic over reaction but she is obviously hurt that she was lead to believe one thing and then got caught cold that it wasn't happening.

i think you've done all you can so I would leave them alone just now and hope they come round.

Flisspaps · 12/02/2011 12:58

Then I think she has proved that she isn't capable of looking after DS.

What would she do if DS did something she didn't like when she was caring for him?

What a good role model she'd be for him, teaching him that you can get your own way by having massive tantrums and being so unreasonable that no-one ever dare do anything that might even remotely upset you.

Poor DH, what does he think to all this? :(

JingleMum · 12/02/2011 13:13

any sympathy i felt for your MIL has no dissolved.

she's behaving like a child, and i wouldn't trust another child to babysit my child.

leave it now, she will hopefully grow up, come round and apologise and then in the future she can help with evening childcare (play with DS for an hour and then put him to bed) whilst you and DH have a well deserved night out.

i feel sorry for your DH. he obviously loves his mother and doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

JingleMum · 12/02/2011 13:13

*now dissolved