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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop MIL from caring for DS. Now she won't talk to us.

167 replies

Mozismyhero · 10/02/2011 18:55

Quick background - My MIL has reduced mobility due to various health issues. This means she finds it difficult to stand from the sofa or walk upstairs, for instance.

Our DS is 3 months. MIL has got the impression that she would be caring for him one day a week when I return to work. It is possible that DH said this to her early on in my pregnancy when he was excited but it is not something we seriously considered due to her health issues (FIL also unwell).

A few weeks ago while at PIL's house, SIL asked what was happening to DS when I returned to work. I said, without thinking, that my family were going to care for him. MIL became upset (apparently crying after we left). This is understandable and wasn't my intention to upset her.

Anyway, she has ignored us ever since. We have tried to contact her on numerous occasions, phone, text, have written a letter, but still no reply.

So, AIBU to not allow PIL to care for DS for long period of time while I'm at work (will be about 10 hours)? Any ideas on how we can resolve this? DH agrees with me by the way and ask asked me to post on here for ideas!

OP posts:
mj1moreornotthatisthequestion · 12/02/2011 15:05

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pommedeterre · 12/02/2011 15:13

Agree with poster who said MIL didn't clarify the situation because she knew it would be no making sure she could have this moment of drama.
OP (and al of us) have the right to choose who to leave our children with. From what the MIL has done since I'm sure none of us would choose to leave our children with OP's MIL. She sounds horrible.
Feel for your DH and your DS. She has truly shown her true colours now.
Has DH tried talking to FIL on his own?

altinkum · 12/02/2011 15:18

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mj1moreornotthatisthequestion · 12/02/2011 15:22

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malachysmum · 12/02/2011 15:27

Chin up - YANBU

Do you think it might have just dawned on her how unwell/frail she is which might be a difficult pill to swallow.

Give her some space and she'll come around, or send her some cute pics in the post of bubba.

pommedeterre · 12/02/2011 15:29

FIL needs to man up. He holds the key here.
mj1more - you are right in that things need to be sorted for the sake of OP's dh and ds but YABVU re your 19 year old. Jesus! You don't know how you feel about children and work and childcare until the moment you get there. How can you arrange childcare when said children don't even exist yet?? Calm your jets dude.

Mumcentreplus · 12/02/2011 15:29

I agree with mj...my door would always be open

mj1moreornotthatisthequestion · 12/02/2011 15:30

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pommedeterre · 12/02/2011 15:31

But you said you are assuming it will happen?

wannaBe · 12/02/2011 15:33

There is right and wrong on both sides here.

Being registered disabled does not make one incapable of looking after a baby/toddler/older child. The reality is that a lot of people are ignorant of disabillity and base their views of what a disabled person can and cannot do on their own belief that they couldn't do the same were they in the disabled person's situation. But as they're not they really can't know what is and isn't possible.

Not being able to drive does not make one incapable of looking after a child, to suggest that is just ridiculous in the extreme.

If the op and her dh hadn't intended to allow the mil to look after the baby then the dh should never have implied as such early into the pregnancy.

Concerns about how a person with a disability, any disability, are going to manage your child are perfectly valid. Just assuming however that a person with a disability is incapable of looking after a child is not. If the op and her dh were concerned about his mother's ability to look after the baby then they should have had the discussion about how she would manage certain things which to them would seem impossible. Just to assume that she could not do these things is patronising to say the least.

The mil's reaction was extreme. However this situation is kind of at opposite ends of a scale here - on the one side you have the op and her dh who have essentially dismissed the mil as a suitable carer for their baby, for her she has been dismissed as a capable person. On the other end of the scale you have the mil who has been dismissed as a capable person. Why shouldn't she be hurt?

I would also wonder how much she's allowed to be involved in this baby's life even when the parents are there. Is she allowed to pick him up at all? interact with him? or do the op and her dh think she's too incapable.

For the record, I have a disability and a child, and while I perfectly understand peoples' concerns when I look after their dc there are very few people who wouldn't allow me to do so based purely on my disability. Most have the good grace to discuss with me first (it's different now that dc are older but when they were younger I could see valid concerns and was happy to address them). If someone dismissed me out of hand on the basis of my disability of course I would be hurt. But it would say a lot more about them than it does about me.

mj1moreornotthatisthequestion · 12/02/2011 15:34

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Mumcentreplus · 12/02/2011 15:37

that was a weird comment pomme...

it's like when I was younger I assumed I would have children...and I now assume if my DDs have children I would care for them if I'm capable..and that seems reasonable ..Hmm

Georgimama · 12/02/2011 15:39

Well I assure you wannabe, not being able to drive would be a significant barrier to looking after my child in my home, as my mother does, and my PILs are totally physically incapable of looking after my child due to their disabilities. I am not ignorant or ridiculous, thanks.

wannaBe · 12/02/2011 15:41

so if you lost your drivers licence what would you do? put your children into care? since not being able to drive would mean you were incapable of looking after them. Hmm

Mumcentreplus · 12/02/2011 15:44

hahaha...my MIL will be caring for my DDs over half-term but she doesn't drive! Shock.. HmmGrin

Georgimama · 12/02/2011 15:45

If I couldn't drive long term we would move. If I were temporarily banned DH can drive so we could manage.

Or I could just massively over react like you and the OP's MIL and put them into care as you suggest.

Mumcentreplus · 12/02/2011 15:45

actually I don't drive either! Grin

pranma · 12/02/2011 15:45

I think that for now,while he is immobile, she could probably cope you know.The problems will come when he is active.She is obviously devastated as I was when chemotherapy meant that I was unable to keep my promise to look after dgs1 when dd went back to work.I couldnt manage because of exhaustion until he was about 11 months old and I found it so hard for ages as I couldnt do stairs but will she need to?Will she get better?I now have dgs2 1 day a week and dgs1 half a day[after pre-school].It is very special for a grandparent to share the care like this though she does sound a little unbalanced in her reaction.

Georgimama · 12/02/2011 15:46

Can some people try to compute the idea that not everyone on MN lives in a town? We don't even have a bus route within two miles of our house. Or a pavement. Or a shop. Or much else apart from fields.

Mumcentreplus · 12/02/2011 15:46

Nor does my DH...call the SS!! Grin

mj1moreornotthatisthequestion · 12/02/2011 15:47

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Georgimama · 12/02/2011 15:47

Did I actually say that not being able to drive made someone a bad parent? I'm all for debate but do try to address what other posters actually type, not your own straw man arguments.

wannaBe · 12/02/2011 15:52

that was your implication.

that your mil is incapable of looking after your children because she does not drive, and because she is registered disabled. The implication is clear - you feel that people who are registered disabled are incapable of looking after children, the same for people who don't drive. At no point in your post did you state that you lived in the middle of nowhere with no access to public transport.

Georgimama · 12/02/2011 15:57

No, my implication is that my MIL who is registered disabled is incapable of looking after my child. You chose to imply what you read, perhaps because you look to take offence, like the OP's MIL.

Imagine a Ven diagram - there would be people of my MIL's age who could manage, and people who can't drive who could manage (if they were prepared to pay a lot of money for taxis, I suppose), and people with her disabilities who could manage, but overlapping all three would be a little splodge in which you have my MIL, who with her particular circumstances could not manage.

So sorry I didn't fully extrapolate my personal circumstances for your benefit in making a throw away comment; I will remember to fully reference and annotate all further contributions.

(Christ)

JingleMum · 12/02/2011 16:04

MJ1 i just don't see how the op has behaved appallingly?? fair enough, a misunderstanding has taken place, as long as the OP and her DH apologise for this and promise MIL she can of course still be a big part of her grandson's life, then i don't see the issue?

my MIL is in her 60's and has heart trouble, my mum is 15 years younger than my MIL, with no health issues. if i thought my MIL's health or my DD's health would be jeopardised as a result of MIL looking after DD, then i would stop it. as a mother that is my right. i would of course still let MIL see DD regularly, as in my opinion that is MIL's right.

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