to stop MIL from caring for DS. Now she won't talk to us.

[Mozismyhero]

Quick background - My MIL has reduced mobility due to various health issues. This means she finds it difficult to stand from the sofa or walk upstairs, for instance.

Our DS is 3 months. MIL has got the impression that she would be caring for him one day a week when I return to work. It is possible that DH said this to her early on in my pregnancy when he was excited but it is not something we seriously considered due to her health issues (FIL also unwell).

A few weeks ago while at PIL's house, SIL asked what was happening to DS when I returned to work. I said, without thinking, that my family were going to care for him. MIL became upset (apparently crying after we left). This is understandable and wasn't my intention to upset her.

Anyway, she has ignored us ever since. We have tried to contact her on numerous occasions, phone, text, have written a letter, but still no reply.

So, AIBU to not allow PIL to care for DS for long period of time while I'm at work (will be about 10 hours)? Any ideas on how we can resolve this? DH agrees with me by the way and ask asked me to post on here for ideas!

Fil does what he's told, he spoke civilly to DH before MIL arrived but said nothing at all when she did. Either he agrees with entirely her on this matter or is completely spineless and is afraid of saying anything one way or another.

DH has now done all that he can, and feels relieved that he's at least made an effort, despite the outcome.

We're now going to leave them both to it and see what happens.

Oh, how melodramatic. And how horrible to her grandson who is completely innocent in all this. She will come round.

Gemsy please do not address me at all as I have nothing to say to someone like you so please just do not even converse with me as I do not want to converse with you at all

Taintedpaint - I am just giving my opinion - why does my opinion bother you so?

Op - just confirms what I thought about your mil that she has been so silly regarding this situation! Sorry you are having to go through this

I can udnerstand that mil feels hurt and upset. You could have handled it better.

You need to keep trying to ask for a time to talk to her.

I don't get why people are having a go at the op - she is not at fault here and the mil has acted appallingly regardless of any crossed wires the mil is being an idiot

Frankly OP I think you have done all you can and it sounds like something like this was always going to blow sooner or later.

As you say, all you can do is leave her to it now.

OK so it wasn't the best situation in the first place, but her reaction has been out of proportion. She is well and truly stirring it now.

Ok, you apologised.

She behaved like a spoilt pathetic brat.

Taking photo of your ds down? nice I can see why you dont want her looking after him.

Any sympathy I had for this woman is now gone, and as for your FIL, well he needs to grow a backbone.

Did anyone who thinks the OP has behaved appallingly read the bit about the MIL throwing her husband out of the house and saying she had no son and no grandson? And you still think the OP is in the wrong?

The OP is looking for, presumably, a fairly long term childcare solution. The fact the MIL could cope with a small immobile baby is going to be no use in 12 months when said baby is a crawling, cruising toddler. From whence will spring the childcare to magically plug the gap left by MIL's incapability to continue to provide care?

OP, she sounds pathetic. Taking down your pictures because she can't play dollies with your child precisely on her own terms? Childish in the extreme. Ignore ignore ignore.

You're really not in a position to judge whether the OP is right about the MIL's capabilities though, are you? And aside from apologising, which they have done more than once, perhaps you could explain what more the OP should do? Because she is not going to allow the MIL to look after her child just to soothe her MIL's ego.

My PILs are too old, ill and infirm to look after my DS. Fortunately they wouldn't want to so the problem doesn't arise, but if they did I would feel perfectly justified in pointing out if they queried the fact that my mother does:

1. that she is 12 years younger than them
2. that she can drive; MIL cannot
3. that she doesn't smoke
4. that she is not registered disabled, and they are.

We are talking about a child's safety, and the OP is not obliged to put that at risk to make the MIL feel better about her infirmity.

I can see both sides - is there any way they can pop over and help, give your family a short break for example, so they feel they are getting as much time with the baby as your side of the family? It is a very emotive issue, and if they feel pushed out and sidelined, I am not surprised they do feel upset - although I can of course understand why you have made your decision based on the safety and wellbeing of your child. if you are going to refuse your ILs offer of help, and put your son full time with your family, I think it is incumbent on you to ensure MIL gets plenty of time to enjoy with your son and share in his growing up, for the sake of family harmony and fairness.

Ok so she is hurt. But I still maintain it is way over the top to start disowning people.
Especially when overtures of reconciliation have been made. Not very adult is it?

The woman is emotionally manipulative, as has been mentioned upthread. It seems she has gone into overdrive.

Very sad situation as nobody needs a family feud.

At the beginning of the thread, I would have tried to find a way of smoothing things over as others have suggested.....however, given her latest behaviour disowning son and grandson..... well really, I wouldn't be arsed. I wouldn't be manipulated into putting my child's safety at risk. There are some situations where "I told you so" way down the line when something has happened, doesn't quite have a satisfactory ring to it, and if OP were to give in, and something were to happen to child, this would be one of them.

OP, I think you have done all you can for now. I would just leave it a very long while and leave her to grow up. As someone else said, I wouldn't be interested in a child looking after my baby.

MIL is behaving atrociously

DON'T send flowers, more letters or otherwise pander to her throwing her toys out of the pram

she is an adult fgs, if she can't act like one she doesn't deserve any more attention

Op said earlier in the thread that mil has got history of being manipulative.

Quite honestly op I think you have had a lucky escape. Even if you did decide after all that mil could look after your ds, what would happen when there was a small misunderstanding/disagreement about a child related issue? She would quite likely sulk and tantrum and cause difficulty.

(I speak from experience. We "stood up" to mil when she slammed the phone down on use one too many times). fwiw since we have been firmer and ignored all tantrums/manipulation, our family life has been smoother.

Yes they probably could look after a small baby; that isn't a long term solution to the OP's need for childcare, as I said.

The OP's husband went round there to apologise and talk and his mother threw him out. Her reaction to this, no matter how disappointed she is, is completely disproportionate and inappropriate and will in the end, only hurt herself. If as you say the MIL is actually upset about her encroaching disability, the OP and her husband haven't made her feel like this at all - her disability has. That is hardly their fault.

There's only so much grovelling a person can be expected to do before it is reasonable to think "oh fuck it".

Also I think that if your mil has been assuming for the past however many months that she might be looking after your ds on your return to work, why on earth hasn't it come up in conversation in the meantime? Most rational people don't pin their hopes on a random/throwaway comment that someone makes in the early stages of a partner's pregnancy, do they?

If there was indeed a "year of excitement" or a "year of her looking forward to this" as a couple of posters have said, I am still why it hasn't come up at least once in conversation. Then op and/or her dh could have had a rational discussion with the mil at a much earlier stage.

I suspect that mil knew all along that if her ds did say something at the start of the pregnancy it was never a firm promise/agreement. If she was so desperately excited then she would have been going on about it (or at least mentioned it) given time for misunderstandings to be clarified.

mj well it sounds as if it was made "clear" to your mum that this was to be the arrangement.

From what the op says there was never such a "clear" agreement with her mil.