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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop MIL from caring for DS. Now she won't talk to us.

167 replies

Mozismyhero · 10/02/2011 18:55

Quick background - My MIL has reduced mobility due to various health issues. This means she finds it difficult to stand from the sofa or walk upstairs, for instance.

Our DS is 3 months. MIL has got the impression that she would be caring for him one day a week when I return to work. It is possible that DH said this to her early on in my pregnancy when he was excited but it is not something we seriously considered due to her health issues (FIL also unwell).

A few weeks ago while at PIL's house, SIL asked what was happening to DS when I returned to work. I said, without thinking, that my family were going to care for him. MIL became upset (apparently crying after we left). This is understandable and wasn't my intention to upset her.

Anyway, she has ignored us ever since. We have tried to contact her on numerous occasions, phone, text, have written a letter, but still no reply.

So, AIBU to not allow PIL to care for DS for long period of time while I'm at work (will be about 10 hours)? Any ideas on how we can resolve this? DH agrees with me by the way and ask asked me to post on here for ideas!

OP posts:
PurpleCrazyHorse · 12/02/2011 19:39

It's really tricky and you have my sympathies. Personally, I'd try to keep the door open by sending, cards, letters, drawings, photos etc. That way you know you've done the very best.

If things do look up and move on in an amicable way then I'd concoct reasons for them to have DS for an hour or too. We do this with my mum, she loves it, we're confident things will be fine for a few hours and everyone is happy.

chipmonkey · 12/02/2011 19:52

I have four boys and expect to always be no2 granny, tbh. But I won't be throwing any hissy fits about it!

HalfTermHero · 12/02/2011 20:40

Mils, Mils, fucking mils. You just gotta hate them Grin

HalfTermHero · 12/02/2011 20:41

Chip- you will be 100% fine then and are pretty likely to be loved by your dils. If you go into it with a realistic attitude then everyone gets along.

taintedpaint · 12/02/2011 20:47

MsKlo, it's because you were downright nasty about it. And it was not only me who pointed that out. Didn't really expect you to see that though, so never mind.

As I said, I liked you on other threads, I was surprised how disproportionate your reaction was on the information at the time.

diddl · 12/02/2011 21:06

"I have four boys and expect to always be no2 granny, tbh"

I think that´s really sad tbh.

I think the "problem" is that organising babysitter/childcare is usually left to the Mum, so she tends to ask her own mum first.

So those of us with sons will have to hope he doesn´t leave all the organising to his wife!

Cyclebump · 12/02/2011 21:14

Not a nice situation but YANBU.

My gran was under the impression she'd be looking after my baby at my sister's wedding. He'll be a couple of months old at the time. She's on oxygen and morphine and, put frankly, frail.

I had to bite the bullet and tell her DP will be looking after him. At the end of the day, baby's safety has to come first.

MsKLo · 12/02/2011 21:40

Like I said before taintedpaint
We shall have to agree to disagree!

MsKLo · 12/02/2011 21:45

Oh tainted why are you getting so personal abd bothered by my opinion? Go away no dearie and leave me be , I am not having a go at you for your opinion so methinks it is you who is downright nasty.

Honestly, what's the matter with you that you keep harping on about my opinion? We don't all have to agree with you you know.

Tigerbomb · 12/02/2011 21:50

"I have four boys and expect to always be no2 granny, tbh"

My mom feels that way about my DB children. In fact she admitted that she never felt the same way about my DB's children as she did mine. She was quite happy about being no 2 granny and saw her DGC on a very sporadic basis (not her choice).

I was shocked about this until she explained that she knew the relationship wasn't going to last and she knew she would be heartbroken when my SIL up and left with the children. That is exactly what happened and my mom never saw the children again
My mom often quotes:
A son is a son till he finds a wife
a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life.

OP I feel for you and especially for your DH. The only thing you can do is keep lines of communication open, photo's etc and hope that she will come round in time.

HalfTermHero · 12/02/2011 21:50

Diddl, I think that Chips has a good point though. If you enter into being a MIL in a non threatening, non forceful way then you will probably be welcomed. My step MIL is amazing and loved by us all, my actual mil is now disowned by me and dh.....

taintedpaint · 12/02/2011 21:51

What on earth is the matter with you?! I was bothered because you called someone a twat for having an emotional reaction. That's not right, whichever way you look at it (and as stated, I was not the only one who noticed that). The situation as it stood at the time did not warrant that.

As for why I keep 'harping on'....you addressed me, I replied. Excuse me for being....well....normal. And I never said anyone had to agree with me, I haven't even implied it, I simply pointed out how nasty you sounded, and I standby that. Addressing that is not getting personal.

If you can't reply to me with a proportionate reponse, just ignore my posts.

Please just end this now. No need to reply to me again. Good day to you.

taintedpaint · 12/02/2011 21:51

That was to MsKlo btw.

pranma · 12/02/2011 21:55

My dd's m-i-l said to me after dgs1 was born,'I know you'll ne no1 granny' and I said 'No-we'll be first equal.'I honestly think we are.She works so cant commit to regular childminding but will always use flexi time to step in if i cant do it.she takes them on holiday [her brother has a place abroad].Best of all I arrived last week to find her and my dd dancing a jig in the living room :)She's an all right lady my dd's m-i-l.

MsKLo · 12/02/2011 21:57

Oh go away you silly silly woman taintedpaint!

Ah I was going to say more but you are just not worth it

Have my very first Biscuit and don't address me again!

NonnoMum · 12/02/2011 22:00

Mozi - poor you and your poor DH.

What a horrible thing to go through. I did have a little bit of sympathy but this sort of behaviour is just outrageous.

I agree with all the posters though who said do not back down. It's up to you (and your DH) what childcare you use.

Keep the doors of communication open. Regardless of what she might think, to cut off an innocent child is just ridiculous.

MsKLo · 12/02/2011 22:02

Diddl

I bet you will be fine when you are a mil! You always sound very reasonable! Grin

taintedpaint · 12/02/2011 22:04

Oh good God.

In the light of day, you may want to re-read the responses you have had to me. You are teetering on the edge and may be embarrassed. I have said nothing horrible to, you have been borderline abusive in response. I am genuinely shocked, you seemed rational on previous threads. But oh well. MN can be a crap shoot at the best of times.

I hope you do not feel the need to respond to my posts or threads again.

Maybe go get some sleep, I think you might need it.

Goodnight. :)

MsKLo · 12/02/2011 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

taintedpaint · 12/02/2011 22:10

I'm good thanks MsKlo. :)

Hope you have a great weekend!

Bye bye sweetie. :)

MsHighwater · 12/02/2011 22:13

MsKlo, you sound like a loon. (Just my opinion, of course. Feel free to ignore)

MsKLo · 12/02/2011 22:16

OP let us know how things progress for you and hopefully your mil will see the error of her selfish ways

BabyDubsEverywhere · 12/02/2011 22:18

I wouldnt worry OP your DS still has your parents so sod it, if she wants to be mardy cow then let her, you dont need them for anything and the relationship cant have been great if it could end so easily, I wouldnt loose any sleep over it tbh.

StealthPolarBear · 12/02/2011 22:19

I agree with mj and feel really sorry for the MIL :(

MsKLo · 12/02/2011 22:24

Agree babydubs!