to stop MIL from caring for DS. Now she won't talk to us.

[Mozismyhero]

Quick background - My MIL has reduced mobility due to various health issues. This means she finds it difficult to stand from the sofa or walk upstairs, for instance.

Our DS is 3 months. MIL has got the impression that she would be caring for him one day a week when I return to work. It is possible that DH said this to her early on in my pregnancy when he was excited but it is not something we seriously considered due to her health issues (FIL also unwell).

A few weeks ago while at PIL's house, SIL asked what was happening to DS when I returned to work. I said, without thinking, that my family were going to care for him. MIL became upset (apparently crying after we left). This is understandable and wasn't my intention to upset her.

Anyway, she has ignored us ever since. We have tried to contact her on numerous occasions, phone, text, have written a letter, but still no reply.

So, AIBU to not allow PIL to care for DS for long period of time while I'm at work (will be about 10 hours)? Any ideas on how we can resolve this? DH agrees with me by the way and ask asked me to post on here for ideas!

Camomile tea for Georgi>>>

Just keep the door open and she'll come around..so shes manipulative and overracting, but she's an older and she's hurting yes I agree it's the OP right to decide her childs childcare but I don't think it was handled sensitively at all and now people are disowning each other?? get real life is too short for that nonsense ...if you know better then act better..sometimes you have to be the bigger person

Erm I think alot of people imagine certain outcomes and solutions when pregnant that change once the reality of having a tiny child to care for kicks in (ie birth).

The OP hasn't been out of order at all. OP's dh has said something in the past that in hindsight wasn't a great idea. Mil has taken it as the TRUTH. That combined with the fact that OP's family will do the childcare is very unfortunately but the needs of the baby and the parents far, far outweight the needs of the mil right now.

I'm assuming OP will arrange lots of visits for mil so there's plenty of contact.

But if it were my mil I'd be relieved that she isn't going to be caring for her gc as so far her love for her ds and her dcc comes with conditions.

I think she will come 'round but this has been a really unfortunate situation.

Eh? You would assume that your dc's would choose you as childcare above all other options? Why?

So to better explain myself. Why do mother's (especially mothers of ds's) assume that if in rude health etc etc they would be chosen as childcare for their gc's? Nursery? Cm's? Nannies?
Truly don't understand...
Maybe the difference is that I'm talking regular every week childcare - maybe you guys mean occasional babysitting? In which case I would agree with you.

I was really glad my parents were able to care for my children esspecially when they were younger, I felt more comfortable leaving them with my parents/sisters or my ILs..I'd take them over a nanny or CM anyday!!

Why not?

It´s sad that she thought that she would have him one day a week & now knows that she won´t.

OP-will you return full time?

If so then she was probably already annoyed at the thought of getting much less than your mum, & now to be getting nothing...

That said, I wonder how many GC are cared for equally between both sets of parents, even if possible?

Either way - cm/nursery or parents fine.Fair play either ways.
However it is a very personal decision. Assuming that your kid will decide in favour of you seems very odd to me.

We honestly don't remember saying she could care for DS when I was in work. Beginning to think she's assumed this or is simply making it up as some of the things she has been saying about us are simply not true.

By the time I return to work, he will be active and we honestly don't think she could care for him. Is not a my mum vs mil thing, my brother and sister are sharing the care.

We know I told her in the wrong way, have apologised, tried to stay in contact but she just won't allow it.

Starting to feel like why should we send pics etc when she has removed pictures of our DS from the house and said "I have no grandson". Yes, this might have been said in the heat of the moment (although DH was only in the house 5 minutes) but the pictures being removed were not. Feel like this is unforgivable, no matter how hurt and upset she is.

Well she's my kid and she's the mother

oh I know I'm being arsey and assuming future things..and tbh I might not want to be a carer for my GCs..I might want to go on Saga cruises,walk wrinkly and naked around my home at leisure and jump off Victoria Falls rather than change another nappy in my life!...

but I'm livin the dream pomme stop spoiling it will ya!

Yes, full time (work won't let me go part time ) and will have to use nursery for 2 days. Feel bad enough about all this and of course would rather leave him with family but feel that we can't leave her with him for such a long period, the odd hour or two yes, but not all day. PIL not reliable enough - often too ill to come round/us to go round etc.

Oh she's just being dramatic OP..seriously ..I know she's trying to manipulate you and your DH..just don't rise to it..yes i agree the picture thing was incredibly dramatic and really a bit hammy but also upseting for you both but this is not worth breaking up a family over

Be the bigger person and she will come round..rise above ...like an Eagle well at least that's what I tell myself

I'm very close to my mum and not at all to mil.

I wouldn't allow mil to care for ds for more than a quick trip to the supermarket only because she's very nervous and she's scatty and wouldn't be able to cope in the event of an emergency and doesn't speak enlgish and cannot use a phone (no matter how many times you show her). She's young.

She wants lots of contact but not the responsibilty and that's fine.

My dm is competent in that respect and was great when ds was born (although ds did go to a nursery) however she's aged terribly in the last few years and I don't want ds running rings around her (he does and she encourages it). I can leave him with her in an emergency but I ensure food is already prepared etc as she doesn't have the energy to take him out, cook - the entire works.

When at work I want to know that everything's OK so nursery worked out better for us at the time with dm stepping in a the odd moment and she was younger then and it was fine.

No hard feeling on anyone - ds adores his gps and they adore him back. I facilitate lots of contact with both etc and any negative feelings I have about mil are not played out for ds and they, in turn, don't generally hanker for responsibilities they can't handle.

Mozis have you told her this?...have you openly talked about your concerns?...bluddy hell being a family can be tough sometimes..I know this will work out for you..you sound lovely..just leave the door open

Ah, sorry Mumcentreplus. I will ssshh now!

Mozismyhero - don't worry about nursery. Distance from family kinda made the decision for us and dd goes to nursery 2 days a weekand ADORES it. I think I would have made the nursery decision anyway and the distance made it easier to do tbh. A good nursery is really lovely - it's the finding one you're comfortable with that is the bigger decision sometimes.

Agree with mumcentreplus on just ignoring her/acting like nothing has happened. She might just forget about it if her behaviour is ignored?

Thanks pomme

I think what is sad about this sort of situation is how determined MIL is to be treated equally to OPs mum/family-even though it wouldn´t be in her own GCs interest.

Haven't read whole thread, and don't actually think YABU realistically. However, my DM has mobility issues and I know how hard she finds it not being able to do things that other people can, and feeling left out at times. She really worries about not being able to help me with my DCs, and about missing out on things that other GPs do.

I really feel for her, so where I can I try to include her in things, and she looks after the DCs for short periods now and again (even though I don't really NEED her to IYSWIM) so that she feels involved.

OP - I agree that you can't exactly leave your DC with your MIL for hours if she has severe mobility issues, but maybe you can think of otherways she can be involved and feel like she is part of things. It can be so isolating for disabled people.

Hi Mozis, have just discussed this with DH, and have to say your MIL does sound unbalanced.

However, my MIL would love to provide childcare for DS, but DH and I don't think it is practical as she is not that mobile and gets tired quite easily these days. Also, DH and I are planning to split DS's care between us when I return to work, so we don't need outside care. This doesn't stop her mentioning it from time to time, in a way that I don't find aggravating at all, no indeed .

But my point is, that DH and I have been very careful not to say to MIL that she is too infirm to care for DS, as we know that it will make her very sad to have to face up to the fact that she just isn't fit enough.

I wonder if part of your MIL's extreme over-reaction might be due to unhappiness over her own physical infirmity?

Moz, you and DH have done all you can do. You have tried to resolve the situation but have been prevented from doing so by manipulative and childish behaviour. You cannot compromise your DS's safety, you cannot force MIL to talk to you or to be reasonable. FIL and SIL should be ashamed that they're supporting disowning a baby.

As a mother, I do not understand how any mother could disown their child. From the way in which my parents and PIL interact with my DD I can't imagine a GP could ever reject a GC. I think your MIL has done this as a last ditch attempt to manipulate and emotionally blackmail your DH into compliance with her unrealistic demands.

Try not to let this overshadow the remainder of your maternity leave, or the first months of your DS's life. Perhaps, in time, MIL will decide she does have a son and grandson after all. Whether your DH and you feel that you can then forgive her for such a vile action is up to you. Try to take comfort that you, DH and DS are a strong and loving family. Many MNers have DH's that put their parents demands above their own DW and DC's needs. You and DH are in agreement over this, and can support each other through it. If you can deal with this as a couple, as you have done, then you can cope with anything.

We have tried to talk about concerns but she won't engage with us at the moment. The letter we sent addressed some of these but we don't want to go on about them too much as we don't want her to feel unwanted and useless.

We were going up once a week and would be happy to do things with them but there is no way that can happen at the moment.

Thanks pomme for encouraging words about nursery - am going to start ringing round on Monday to arrange visits.

Thanks Queen, lovely supportive words x

It´s a sad situation all round, isn´t it?

It sounds as if MIL had lots of contact & has jeopardised that for the sake of not being asked to give free childcare.

My MIL hinted that she would always be "no 2" granny, but when I tried to arrange to see them every week, as I did my parents, they wouldn´t as they wanted longer with my husband.

(Not to see me & GC for the day/afternoon & then husband for a couple of hours when he came in from work-although husband would have been more than OK with that.)

Some people like to be hard done to, don´t they?

Agree with queen

Good luck op - you have done nothing wrong and your mil should be ashamed of herself

Of course you are entitled to your opinion MJ1 and so am I and I disagree that the op has Been unreasonable

If when I an older I am unable to look after my gc's (should my kids want me to) I will not be a selfish and manipulative nana like this mil and put my gc's safety at risk by trying to look after a child if I cannot
Personally feel you need to calm down a tad as your future dil may find you a tad interfering going by the opinions in your postings!