to stop MIL from caring for DS. Now she won't talk to us.

[Mozismyhero]

Quick background - My MIL has reduced mobility due to various health issues. This means she finds it difficult to stand from the sofa or walk upstairs, for instance.

Our DS is 3 months. MIL has got the impression that she would be caring for him one day a week when I return to work. It is possible that DH said this to her early on in my pregnancy when he was excited but it is not something we seriously considered due to her health issues (FIL also unwell).

A few weeks ago while at PIL's house, SIL asked what was happening to DS when I returned to work. I said, without thinking, that my family were going to care for him. MIL became upset (apparently crying after we left). This is understandable and wasn't my intention to upset her.

Anyway, she has ignored us ever since. We have tried to contact her on numerous occasions, phone, text, have written a letter, but still no reply.

So, AIBU to not allow PIL to care for DS for long period of time while I'm at work (will be about 10 hours)? Any ideas on how we can resolve this? DH agrees with me by the way and ask asked me to post on here for ideas!

"Diddl, I think that Chips has a good point though."

Oh yes, I do too.

I know my first reaction was always to turn to my mum.

And I think some MILs are so worried about being 2nd best that they push themselves forwards & DILs back off completely.

Agree to that too diddl! It's about just being a little bit chilled and not thinking you have a right to your gc's

The best thing we can do as mums of sons is be friends to our dils and be respectful of their space

I think MIL is being a bit selfish, but I think the OP is possibly being a bit disablist here? So she takes a bit of time getting up off the sofa, and doesn't get upstairs very fast. There are plenty of disabled parents with things like MS, or in wheelchairs following accidents, or they're deaf, or blind. They look after their DCs for more than one day a week, without getting them taken into care .

Maybe say you haven't quite made a decision yet, and give her a few trial runs before you go back to work. Even if you want to take the maximum 12 months, OP, your DC won't be moving that fast when you go back!

It's a bit much to assume the OP is being disablist. She knows her MIL - we don't. She knows how impaired her MIL is - we don't. I know perfectly well that there is a level of physical impairment and age-related infirmity that I would take to mean that regular care of a small baby would be unreasonable and I would not even consider asking it. My own parents are both well into their 70s and even though they are fairly fit and well, I would never have expected them to have regular, extended care of my dd. Their location as well as their age meant that the idea never came up for discussion.

The OPs MIL's behaviour (assuming the OPs account is accurate) is very peculiar. To sever the relationship over this? There is, somewhere in this, something else going on.

Any progression op?

No progress. There isn't anything else going on, this behaviour is nothing new from mil.

We are really not being disablist. She could not do it for lots of reasons that I'll not go into here.

No sane person would ever think you are being disabalist - that was a ridiculous comment and not shared by the majority!

Sounds like she is generally awful so let her stew in het silliness and know you have done nothing wrong and don't let her amazingly awful attitude spoil one minute with your precious child x

Have just discovered that mil had a disagreement with her sil over a freezer and didn't speak to her for 5 years.

Think we're in this for the long haul!

you are certainly NBU

"Think we're in this for the long haul!"

Sounds as if you could be!

But I don´t think your son will miss anything by not having a relationship with her.

Sad for your husband.

I really wouldn´t know how to treat her in future if she wanted to continue as if nothing had happened.

mj, I see no basis for thinking that the OP and her DH had anything other than the appropriate care of their child in mind when she answered the question from her SIL that appears to have kicked this off. The freezer episode would bear that out, would it not?

Goodness - even further evidence of what a silly idiot she is! Agree that your son won't miss out ad if it were not this it would have been something else. Sounds like you are better off without her around

Yes!

I have this situation with my MIL - although it has not come to a head yet. DS is due in two weeks.

She cannot walk or stand unaided but still tells me that "you must leave the baby with me for a day every two weeks". Not on your nelly. She can't carry her little dog safely, let alone a baby. She fed the cat Oil of Olay instead of its medicine because the bottles looked similar to her.

At first, I am planning on saying "Thank you for the kind offer, but I'm not planning on leaving him with anyone at the moment."

Maybe when he has arrived the reality of how difficult it will be for her to care for a small baby without being able to walk, stand or carry him will become obvious to her and she'll stop asking.

My fear is that she'll just try anyway and she'll fall down the stairs with him. As someone said earlier, the safety of the baby has to come before people's feelings - but I'm going to at least try and not cause offence first!