To resent having to make DCs call MIL midweek when she already speaks to them every weekend?

[minimuffin]

Sorry, another MIL one

MIL is elderly but in good health, DH is her only son and she is on her own but she has large extended family nearby who she sees daily. So she's not isolated. She lives a long way away and comes to stay with us about once every 6 - 8 weeks. DCs are her only grandkids - they are 2 and 5. I am 6 months pg with DC3 and DH has a really stressful job and works long hours. I am SAHM with no help, but not complaining. I'm pretty busy most of the day.

She sets great store by speaking to DCs as her way of keeping in touch with them - fair enough - and DH rings her diligently every weekend to talk to her and to get DCs to speak to her. DS1 never wants to speak - can't understand what she's saying half time, and she witters on to him about people he doesn't know, places he doesn't know etc, tries to get him to sing songs with her in an old dear way. Sometimes DH has to bribe him to come to phone and it can be painful to watch - we also have to do it on speakerphone so we can translate for DCs and her as they spend half time talking at cross purposes. It's a PITA. I've said I think he risks breeding resentment there and I don't like it but I have just stepped back and let him get on with it. He says if he doesn't force DS1 to speak, she will start to feel distant from him and will want to come and stay more, which neither of us wants so I do see his POV.

ANYWAY, once a week is apparently not enough for her. Since DS1 was born 5 years ago we have had an issue which just won't go away which is that MIL would love me to call her in the week too, to have a chat and let her speak to DCs. My relationship with her is civil and friendly - there has never been a cross word exchanged - but I basically have zero in common with her, no natural affinity with her or affection for her, and find some of her behaviour towards DCs and me thoughtless and deeply irritating. All usual MIL stuff. She irritates the pants off me and has never said anything of any value to me. I have never, not once, thought in an idle moment that I'd pick up the phone and have a chat to her. We just don't have that kind of relationship, although I know she'd love nothing more than a DIL who is on the phone to her every day for a chinwag, filling her in on every little detail of our lives... But you'd think after 5 years she might have twigged that it just ain't gonna happen.

So... she has phoned a lot in daytime recently and left messages (as I'm out a lot). I call back occasionally but mostly don't on basis I don't have time or inclination and I know DH will speak to her at weekend. She called him this weekend in floods of tears saying she felt she was losing touch with DCs. DH does not need the stress of worrying about her - he has a lot on his plate at the mo - and he has begged me to call her once a week, midweek, to make her feel more involved, for his sake. I understand totally where he's coming from and want to help him, but I really effing resent it - only time when DS1 is around is after school - he's tired, it's hard enough getting him to do his words and reading. I'm knackered - walk to school and back to get him is 1 hour round trip as I get bigger and slower. I don't want to have to force DS1 to speak to her (DS2 happy enough at mo to speak) and I don't want to listen to her inane stories when i have 101 other things to do.

Really stressed about it and furious with her for being so pushy - what would you do? Should I just take a deep breath and call her once a week for DH's sake? Why is her weekend chat not enough given she knows how busy we all are? Does anyone have a 5 year old who loves nothing more than to ring their gran? Think she expects a lot of them. Just trying to do a sense check (and let off some steam, sorry for the long-windedness.... phew! Thanks for listening!)

Oh hard one.

Good to do your duty (duty in your case) but if kids aren't interested but yet adore her then I really do think that 1 time per week with dh is enough. You see her fairly regularly.

Ffs - I call my dm every other day (as she's great) but I certainly don't need to force ds to talk to her and they absolutely ADORE one another. If he hears me and wants to speak then OK - and my dmum feels the same as she knows that ds has his own mind etc.

Mil, on the other hand, calls alot and gets upset when ds won't speak to her. It's because ds is not conversant in her language, and it's hard on the phone. But he also adores her face to face (language barriers aside). It's just hard trying to get mil to understant that when soemone does't speak your language the phone the is the worst thing ever.

I don't see how the extra phone call per week with make your dc closer to her if relationships are already OK.

DH calls his mil loads and frankly I'm very busy and we have almost no relationship so given there's already lots of contact I personally don't appreciate calls that are for ds when ds isn't interested in speaking to her (or anyone else) these extra times.

I tend to let phone calls without a number go on the answerphone unless I'm expecting someone to call as they tend to be cold callers. I do have a personalised answer machine message though. I hate answer phones where you can't confirm you've dialled the right number before leaving a message. If I want to speak to someone I leave a message, people can do the same to me.
If a relative witheld their number I'd be less inclined to answer unnamed numbers.

Would be tempted to point out to dh and mil that if she really did want to speak to you then she would ring when she expected you to be at home - ie not during the school run which is something she knows you have to be out for.

Sometimes it is much easier to answer a phone call and spend 5 mins on the phone then you have the excuse you are waiting for someone to call or have something to do that you are in the middle of (something to get out of the oven before you all go out) - I suspect if you call then she will expect you to be free to chat for hours, hence ringing you so you ring back when you are free to chat to her. Point out that you never have time to get to make any calls these days but she can sometimes catch you at a good moment when you can talk for a few mins and therefore if she wants to talk the onus is all on her to do the calling. Plus you have perfect excuse to say sorry can't chat if she calls and you don't want to can't.

I'd also work on saying 'oh yes, you've already told me that story about xxx' or some other way to move the conversation on plus a way of saying 'Look I'm really sorry but world war 3 seems to be breaking out between the kids so I really need to go and sort it out. Lovely catching up with you. bye...

I feel really sorry for your MIL.

My BIl lives the other end of the country from my ILs and his kids never speak to their GPs, I lived in another country to my GPs so I know how important it is to build a relationship from an early age.

I was strict with my kids (2 and4), we live the other end of the country from Ils so I talk about them every day, show pictures etc. I have always insisted that they speak on the 'phone a few times a week to say goodnight, as they have got older this has progressed to slightly longer conversations. They do this with DH when he is here and with me when he can't make it. Have done so since they were very little (few months). Even only seeing GPs every 3-6 months they remembered them from when they were younger than a year. My kids love speaking with the ILs even ask to and sleep better for it. This really surprised my Ils who were used to my BILs way of doing things.

I would love to have a relationship where I chatted on the 'phone to my ILs my family always talk to my DH - with my ILs they very rarely want to speak to me. I find this quite sad but at least they came round to my way of doing things with the kids - their relationship with them is every bit as good and close as with my family who live in the same town as us.

Anyway it is a long round about way of saying it really is worth the effort even if your oldest is not comfortable at the moment persevere with the middle one and the new baby - when he sees them enjoy a chat to MIL he will come round.

Sorry minimuffin... I saw your thread when you first posted it and backed away quickly. Not only do I think you're unreasonable, I think the way you write about your MIL in your OP is horrible. :(

She's elderly, she's not going to be around forever and I expect you'd be cussing her out if she did decide to stop bothering with her son's family who find it to bothersome in their hectic schedules to spend a few minutes talking to their gran. I'm surprised that your DH allows it to be honest, it's his mother and she deserves respect.

Horrid...

The way you talk about her is appalling. She "has never said something of value to you"? fuck me thats a horrible thing to say.

Managed to produce a man you wanted to marry, didn't she?

"it's his mother and she deserves respect."

How does that work then?

I hope to fuck that if I have a son, I don't end up with the likes of some of you as DIL.

Here's a few strange things. You can do this yet have some control. 5 minutes can be five minutes if you stop whinging about it.

Be proactive and as someone else said, send her cards or drawings. She'd probably love that and not feel so isolated. Photos are all well and good but the children don't do them.

Not everything in life has to please you. Sometimes you do things because it makes someone else happy. Sounds like your 5yo needs that explaining as well.

You obviously don't like her (read back over some of theanguage you've used about her before you deny that one) and it is grossly unfair of you to pass that on to your children, which is what you are doing. Your children are too young to take responsibility for their own relationships yet, it's up to you and your DH.

Or just her DH whilst she takes responsibility for the dc's relationship with her parents?

Why is it a woman's relationship to communicate with her husband's mother?
I don't understand why so many of you feel this. Is it a husband's responsibility to phone his MIL and get the kids to talk to her?
How many of you who are constantly on the phone to your inlaws have this reciprocated?
You do have a nasty, husband's handmaiden view of marriage some of you. My husband is quite capable of chatting to his mum on the phone and asking the kids to chat in the same way I do with my parents.
Managing the communications for all the family is not a female speciality.
Women shouldn't get dumped with this.
This granny visits every 6-8 weeks anyway.
Maybe it's just those of you who are SAHMs.
I bet few men ring their inlaws or are expected to do so.
I get on fine with my inlaws, but wouldn't if they expected me to phone them regularly rather than their son. Yes I married their son, but they are still his parents not mine.
He doesn't ring my dad.

"How many of you who are constantly on the phone to your inlaws have this reciprocated?
You do have a nasty, husband's handmaiden view of marriage some of you. My husband is quite capable of chatting to his mum on the phone and asking the kids to chat in the same way I do with my parents."

It sets a very sad principle to your children if you divide the "job" of speaking to gps to the relative child. Ie husbands job to speak to his mother and wifes job to speak to her mother.Horrible state of affairs.

Not as horrible and sexist as expecting the woman to speak to everyone.
I don't see it as my job to speak to my dad, he's my dad, I have a lifelong relationship with him. My inlaws are not my parents.
I also hate talking on the phone.
If you love phonecalls and have a husband who phones your parents regularly and chats to them for ages then great, do the same with his parents. This isn't the reality of most women's lives though.
The OP is a woman who isn't keen on talking on the phone being emotionally blackmailed by her MIL into talking to her midweek when she is busy and doesn't want to.
Why can't her husband chat to his mum midweek, why can't he put the kids drwings in an envelope and post them to his mum? Why is this the OPs job?

Well said rebecca2. The MIL is neither the OP's friend nor her own mother. The OP didn't marry the bloody MIL or agree to stay with her in sickness and in health, FGS, there is no obligation there and neither should there be!

Why, oh why, oh why can her DH not call his own mother? Is he incapable? Lacking in fingers and unable to use a phone dial? Lacking in ears or mouth?

Or does he just know what his demanding mother is like and is therefore ducking out and delegating the task to the OP as if she were his secretary? If he wants MIL called he should bloody well call her!

As for the card saying that she intended to be "very involved"...

I agree ButterflyCollector but OP has said DH very stressed at the moment and she wants to help. I second my suggestion that she should do it for a bit then forget about it. Then maybe when the issue resurfaces say to DH his go this time...
I also have a phone that is not very good at messages. Really hard to find them, no noise/light to show you you have one. Great thing. My MIL used to call me EVERY day and if I didn't answer leave a message to call her back. This phone has stopped that.

Dear me, I didn't realise families were so split . I'll have to tell DH to stop ringing my dad then. He can submit a request to me, I'll communicate with my parents and relay their answer back to him. And I'll tell MIL that when she wants to invite us for Sunday lunch, that she must communicate only through DH.

10 years married and I've been getting this all wrong FFS what a load of utter utter bollocks.

"Ie husbands job to speak to his mother and wifes job to speak to her mother.Horrible state of affairs."

Why?

If DIL & MIL get on, all fine & lovely.

But why try to force a relationship that isn´t there?

It's not sexist, it's marriage.Are you so insecure in your status in your marriage that you have to prove yourself by not calling his mum, because you think it's sexits.

Marriage is about partnership, somethings I do better, somethings DH does better, we get on with the things we do better, nothing to do with whether its' a man's job or a womans job. We get on with what we do best.
The OP husband does call his mother once a week, the OP's mother would just like to speak to her DIL occassionally as well, she is now part of her family, what is wrong with that.

minimuffin

You are not being unreasonable here in feeling very uncomfortable with this situation re MIL.

2rebecca Personally, I think it is a wife's responsibility to keep in touch with her MiL, just like its a husband's responsibility to keep in touch with his. Obviously there will be issues in some relationships that get in the way of this, but I think its quite important to show respect to the people that bought your partner into the world and helped to shape them into a person that you could fall in love and start a family with if they are keen to have a good relationship as well.

Personally, I think OP is being unreasonable. Yes, the kids might be tired and not feel like it after school but sadly, there's a lot of things in life that we should do even if we are tired and don't feel like it.

We often talk about us as a society failing to value the older generation. This is a great opportunity for these kids to learn from day one about understanding and making sacrifices (less so for the 2yo, but defo for the 5yo). For all the communication difficulties, as they grow older they may well find that they develop a more meaningful kind of relationship with their Gran.

This is an assumption, so I genuinely apologise if I'm wrong, but I get the impression that if Granny was anyone other than the MiL this wouldn't be an issue and it would simply be seen as doing a good turn for an elderly lady.

I too have a MIL in NI and I'm ing at the parallels.

Mine also has sisters and I think you're right that this is crucial. Her sisters' children live round the corner from them and they childmind their grandkids themselves while the parents work.

When I think about that, my heart bleeds for my MIL because all her grandchildren are in England. Mind you, she's lovely and we get on great, so a totally different scenario.

Also smiling in recognition of the story-telling culture. But I really love it. I love hearing the same stories over and over again. I think it's because (a) they're usually very funny and (b) the skill of the storyteller is excellent.

Even when they're just mundane stories, I still like it. It's kind of soothing and hypnotic. God I think I must be a bit odd.

I just hope your DC's want to speak to you when your elderly life is very short and you'll feel horrible when she's no longer here. I'm not saying it to quilt trip you but just tryin to help x

Ive come late to this and haven't read everything (8 pages), so apologies if I am repeating something that has already been said.

I would just put the dc's on the phone to her while you or your DH are around but not involved in the conversation. Forget speakerphone -if they can't understand her/she them and the "conversations" are garbled then so what!

My DS is a bit older, and when he rings my MIL I'll be in the room and can hear what he says but I don't join in. He tends to unintentionally cut her off, and if he does, then that's it!

ANother one here with a NI MIL. I am (I know!) the evil Scottish woman who took her son away and kept him "over here" (DH left Belfast at 18 swearing never to return and I met him 18 months later).

The story telling, the competitive grannying, the upping the ante, the frequent visits ..... this is all familiar territory to me. Especially the bursting into tears because we "dont love her" or "don't understand". She too sees us about once every 8 weeks, speaks to the children once or twice a week etc, but as soon as a routine is established she pushes for a new, extra one.

The only thing that has helped us is that BIL and his family moved "home" from Canada and now live round the corner from her. Sadly, this means that she is now totally obsessed with her 2 DGSs that she sees every day and all phone calls now revolve around them.

She asks DH about once a month if we are planning to move "home". When we went for CHristmas, she asked my then 9yo dd1 what it was like to be "home" for Christmas (dd just looked at her blankly - and said "but Grannie I'm not at home!").

It is a different culture, and I think that is part of your problem OP. DH thinks they are just 40 years out of date, but he can say that, he's from there. I just randomly chat to MIL when she calls and do my best.

Yanbu. I am amazed that this emotional blackmail is seen as acceptable. I speak to my mil far more often than my mother because I have no pressure to do so, she understands my children better (or if she doesn't she accepts them and doesn't make me feel responsible for it all.) I do call my mother but every 2-3weeks. It has taken me twenty years to realise that this is the best I can do to keep my sanity intact. Once a week and a stay every six to eight weeks is more than appropriate. there's a lot of history involved in our family situation and I would resent anyone looking in from the outside and judging me. Five minutes of one thing is not the same as five mins of another. Mil needs to seek help for the issues surrounding her inability to let go. My mil has the same empty nest missing the children issues as any parent and I really respect her for not foisting them onto her children and grandchildren like my mother does.

"Marriage is about partnership, somethings I do better, somethings DH does better, "

That´s why my husband calls his mum & I don´t-he does it so much better!