To resent having to make DCs call MIL midweek when she already speaks to them every weekend?

[minimuffin]

Sorry, another MIL one

MIL is elderly but in good health, DH is her only son and she is on her own but she has large extended family nearby who she sees daily. So she's not isolated. She lives a long way away and comes to stay with us about once every 6 - 8 weeks. DCs are her only grandkids - they are 2 and 5. I am 6 months pg with DC3 and DH has a really stressful job and works long hours. I am SAHM with no help, but not complaining. I'm pretty busy most of the day.

She sets great store by speaking to DCs as her way of keeping in touch with them - fair enough - and DH rings her diligently every weekend to talk to her and to get DCs to speak to her. DS1 never wants to speak - can't understand what she's saying half time, and she witters on to him about people he doesn't know, places he doesn't know etc, tries to get him to sing songs with her in an old dear way. Sometimes DH has to bribe him to come to phone and it can be painful to watch - we also have to do it on speakerphone so we can translate for DCs and her as they spend half time talking at cross purposes. It's a PITA. I've said I think he risks breeding resentment there and I don't like it but I have just stepped back and let him get on with it. He says if he doesn't force DS1 to speak, she will start to feel distant from him and will want to come and stay more, which neither of us wants so I do see his POV.

ANYWAY, once a week is apparently not enough for her. Since DS1 was born 5 years ago we have had an issue which just won't go away which is that MIL would love me to call her in the week too, to have a chat and let her speak to DCs. My relationship with her is civil and friendly - there has never been a cross word exchanged - but I basically have zero in common with her, no natural affinity with her or affection for her, and find some of her behaviour towards DCs and me thoughtless and deeply irritating. All usual MIL stuff. She irritates the pants off me and has never said anything of any value to me. I have never, not once, thought in an idle moment that I'd pick up the phone and have a chat to her. We just don't have that kind of relationship, although I know she'd love nothing more than a DIL who is on the phone to her every day for a chinwag, filling her in on every little detail of our lives... But you'd think after 5 years she might have twigged that it just ain't gonna happen.

So... she has phoned a lot in daytime recently and left messages (as I'm out a lot). I call back occasionally but mostly don't on basis I don't have time or inclination and I know DH will speak to her at weekend. She called him this weekend in floods of tears saying she felt she was losing touch with DCs. DH does not need the stress of worrying about her - he has a lot on his plate at the mo - and he has begged me to call her once a week, midweek, to make her feel more involved, for his sake. I understand totally where he's coming from and want to help him, but I really effing resent it - only time when DS1 is around is after school - he's tired, it's hard enough getting him to do his words and reading. I'm knackered - walk to school and back to get him is 1 hour round trip as I get bigger and slower. I don't want to have to force DS1 to speak to her (DS2 happy enough at mo to speak) and I don't want to listen to her inane stories when i have 101 other things to do.

Really stressed about it and furious with her for being so pushy - what would you do? Should I just take a deep breath and call her once a week for DH's sake? Why is her weekend chat not enough given she knows how busy we all are? Does anyone have a 5 year old who loves nothing more than to ring their gran? Think she expects a lot of them. Just trying to do a sense check (and let off some steam, sorry for the long-windedness.... phew! Thanks for listening!)

Tell your DH that you will start calling his mum mid-week once he does the same to yours.

Problem solved, I suspect.

Minimuffin, can't you put your MIL on handsfree or speakerphone for the midweek call? Then you can still attend to/play with your DC while she chats, it sounds as if she's got plenty to say. Another plus point is that she would be speaking to all of you simultaneously, there would be no pressure on the individual DC's to speak.

Agree with Clam. Some women, particularly older ones do think everything should be left to the woman, writing cards, making phone calls, buying presents, the list of things men should be exempt from is endless.
Some women love phone calls and enjoy chats to their parents and inlaws. If you aren't one of those (like me)then I don't see what is so awful to stick to ringing your family and leaving husband to ring his.
I can't see my dad ringing and having a hissy fit because my husband won't chat to him midweek and put the kids on to him.
Women like to make work for themselves and each other.

Clam speaks sense as usual! I haven't read the whole thread but I did see someone suggest a midweek call after the kids go to bed. Great idea, DH can do it when he gets in from work. You have enough on your plate, you are already calling/mailing photos/welcoming into home and it's his mum.

Another vote for skype. We bought my ILs a cheap laptop one year as a combined xmas/bday present for the year, so we could all skype. It works really well, especially when kids are too young to really talk on the phone. Also, insteand of you having to supervise, I plonk the 18month old down in front of the pc while I cook dinner, and she spends 20 min playing peek a book and making grandpa sing twinkle little star on repeat. the 3 yr old draws them pictures and holds them up, and everyone's happy.

YANBU, I adore my MIL but wouldn't want to have to call her when I am running around.

Here's an idea, why not collect a bunch of the 'artwork' that the DCs do and package it up every couple of weeks and send it to her, along with some copies of photos that you take here and there?

You could just grab a book of stamps, pack of envelopes and toss it in as you go past a post box.

The bonus of this method is you that don't end up with piles and piles and piles of scribbles that you feel guilty for chucking away but which you just can't really keep!

Have got a clear day at home today and going to look into Skype. God what if she really loved it though and started popping up on my screen on a daily basis?!! (I have no idea yet how it works). Could it give more grist to mill of being ignored if I don't answer that too? The upside might be that it might stop her yammering on so much. Typically the first 5 mins of DH's calls to her is spent with her chatting to kids, the following 5 mins are DH filling her in on how they are and the next 20 mins usually consists of DH sitting almost silently, nodding his head, with the occasional interjection as she relays stories and gossip about family, mates from church, the cost of heating or what is wrong with her computer... I know it's just what old people do but I do watch him and want to weep for him. If she could see him, and see DCs vying for his attention, it may make her focus on them a bit more

Was thinking about it this morning and if I were in her shoes, if my DIL had never called me for a chat, but once I had got upset about it she started calling I'd be mortified. I'm far too proud. Eiher someone wants to speak to me or they don't. I wouldn't force the issue.

You can refuse to answer a skype call if it comes up on your computer. We just have skype on the portable as it has a built in webcam so if I'm on the main computer no-one can skype me. If on the portable and I'm busy doing stuff I'll just ignore the call. You need to practice ending calls if they go on too long. The crying child would have been a great excuse to end the call. It shouldn't be controlled by her. Start being more assertive with your phone calls, alternatively as others suggest leave the kids chatting to her if they are old enough whilst you get on with something else in the same room.

A few things about Skype - i had my settings so i was automatically 'online' when i opened my laptop - terrible.
Every time i sat down, kids happy, all tired ... ring ring.
I find it hard to decline a call so have changed my settings so now I choose when to go online.

So i go 'invisible' see if MIL is on, if i'm in the mood, then i go online too. Sometimes i wait and let her decide to phone me, other times i jump in there and call her.

I often read MN or play games on FB (on silent!) while she's chatting as i don't look directly at the camera anyway (it's above her face so you have to get used to the other person not really making eye contact even if they think they are).

Or i can turn the laptop round to point at the kids and read my book/do crossword/etc.

Often we do it at a mealtime (when kids are 'confined' lol) and i can put laptop on the table and potter around in the kitchen.

Taking 10 minuets in the week to ring her is not going to kill you for crying out loud, poor woman.

You will be the MIL one day you know and what goes round comes round

I hate that saying. It doesn't have to come around at all, I have no intention of emotionally blackmailing my kids and grandkids into twice weekly phone calls when I am older. Also why should she do it rather than her husband?
Would you suggest he phoned his MIL midweek because it "wouldn't kill him"?

OP, I really sympathise with you here. I think if you 'up' the amount of calls you make/ time spent on the phone to MIL then you and certainly your DC (if they don't already) will quickly start to resent it.

It sounds like you do plenty to ensure that MIL is involved in their lives - more than most do, so I don't understand the comments from posters who say that you are being mean or unfeeling.

I really hate talking on the phone, I just do and always have, it wouldn't really matter who I was talking to, could be David Beckham - I still wouldn't . I would much rather chat face to face and can imagine it must be so much worse when you are having to coerce unwilling children into doing it too.

I think if you get into the habit of adding a half hour call onto the one you do every weekend (plus sending pics and info, plus a visit every 8 weeks or so) then it will quickly become expected of you and a source of resetment if you don't provide it. Once the baby arrives it is going to be even less likely that you are going to have time midweek evenings to natter on the phone, so seems pointless introducing these calls now to have to then 'pull' them at a later date.

I would do as another poster suggests and write her a quick note/ postcard (something you can pop into the postbox on the way to/ from dropping DC off) with a couple of comments about things DC have been doing at school or home. This should also help MIL prompt the children when she gets them on the phone at the weekend e.g. "tell granny about your swimming lessons..."

I also think its a bit rich for people to criticise you, at the end of the day you are pefectly polite and accomodating of MIL already - but she is DH's mother NOT yours. I don't see why you should be responsible for her happiness frankly. It should be a joint effort.

I would be naughty and do it for ooo maybe a month then every other week for about a month then once the next month. Then opps, forgot, dh might be less stressed and she might have got over her tantrum and then everything can go back to normal.
See it as a very short term plan to help dh.

Have just had an idea, but don't know what you think of it. Would she accept a "letter" each week from the DC.

I would get your DC to do a picture each, or use a "work of art" from school, get them to do some "writing" or just take a photo of them, anything that would be easy for you. You or DH could then write a couple of sentences, about anything you think she might find interesting.

I think most grandmas would love to get something from the grandchildren once a week. It means she feels "loved" and you get out of speaking to her.

clams are you my twin sister?

I hope you're making sensible posts round and about on here, just in case people mix us up.

Arghh! Just thought. You don't frequent the Friday night threads, do you? I have a reputation to uphold, after all.

Pommedeterre I have tried that tactic before - I like your thinking! It just means the issue keeps rearing its ugly head every 6 months or so. She will not let this drop. Quicklookbusy I think I will do call some weeks, and post some stuff others. Am going to avoid calling at a regular time like the plague. Only thing is, she will then ring to say thank you for artwork. DH posted her some on Monday, it arrived today and I came home to a lengthy voicemail from her to DCs saying how beautiful, how stupendous, how all her mates think how clever they are etc... So I then felt I had to call her back and we had the same conversation we had on Monday night but a different story about someone I don't know. I am feeling somewhat under siege by her... I apologised for DS1's refusal to say more than hello and made the point quite forcefully that he doesn't want to talk to anyone, it's not just her, and I actually think he's too little. To which she says "ach yes poor mite, he doesn't have much free conversation" (whatever that means in N Irish) to which I mentally replied "SO WHY DO YOU BLOODY WELL KEEP HOUNDING HIM!!!"

Do you know what else, I think there may be a spot of competitive grandparenting going on here - she maybe has less pictures by DGCs on her fridge than her sisters, or maybe wants stuff to show off at coffee mornings, and little anecdotes to share and feels she hasn't got enough raw material. God only knows.

Anyway... deep breaths.... Am no longer feeling guilty about feeling the way I do. Much less stressed than I was Sunday - thank you all.

Have written off Skype btw - her computer skills not up to it, there will inevitably be tech problems that DH can't deal with from afar and that will stress him out even further. And we'd have to set up and time to do calls because she only switches hers on once in blue moon and would get too attached to regular time slot and kick off if it got missed too often - would undoubtedly be read as her needs being pushed aside yet again...

No in that case, Skype is not the answer.

Just don't feel guilty, it's her issue (& maybe dh's) not yours. Once baby arrives you will have even more on your plate (i personally don't know how i'll manage with 3, eek!) and anything regular will fall by the wayside, inevitably, at least for a while.

Just do what you are comfortable with, and tell DH you are doing your best, that will have to do :)

Do i take it you're pregnant with DC3 too JustKeepSwimming? I definitely have head in the sand and fingers in ears about the whole thing at moment. Baby due in May - seems like ages away. Whenever I am dealing with one of DCs being tricky and think "now add a newborn baby to that scenario" I just panic. So finding it better not to think about it at mo!

I know it can seem like you're being stalked sometimes.

My mil clutches my arm, all teary eyed, almost hyperventilating, "You..you...you will call me, won't you, Grim?" The emotional blackmail makes me recoil. And before you imagine this frail old lady, she's 58 years old. Bone idle but young.

She too gets regular pictures (calls up to demand more if there are not enough in her opinion), skype'd every Sunday and visits 12+ times per year.

It'll never be enough, minimuffin, so set your own limits as to what you can manage.

Do not bother to add to your stress levels because it will either create resentment if you can't make the phone calls once in a while or she'll start wanting more and more.

Why does she not clutch your husband's arm? In both my marriages my husbands were quite happy to organise their own phone calls to their parents and I was never seen as the main communicator.
I do get the feeling some of you live in a prefeminist time warp.

My dh calls her on a Friday after work and then skypes her and fil on a Sunday.

So, she doesn't need to clutch his arm.

She feels the need to work on me as I'm not at all receptive to her requests to fill her time up. Despite her best RADA efforts, I still don't respond because I find her cloying and manipulative.

I think she and fil see plenty of the gcs and have shown very controlling behaviour towards us in the past. I keep my distance and won't be drawn into feeling responsible because I think we do enough. Just like Minimuffin.

Mil incidentally was awful to her own mil - excluded her from family occasions at every opportunity.

Minimuffin, how was your mil to her mil? Do you know? Just out of interest.

By all accounts it wasn't a great relationship. She always addressed her (and refers to her now when she talks about her) and Mrs X. But they lived close by so she did the duty thing. I don't really know - interesting one. I guess it's maybe too close to the bone to discuss withe her. Cloying is a good word Grim - it's how I find her. I have told DH I find her suffocating (big step for me, you would not believe the rows we've had about my relationship with MIL) and he agreed. She has a very clear picture in her head of how she wants this relationship to be and is damned if she's not going to get it. I was just lying in bed now with DS1 as he went to sleep and remembered a card she sent when I was PG with him - it said "the relationship between a grandparent and grandchild is VERY [underlined several times] special and we intend to be VERY [underlined several times] involved. In fact, you may live to regret how involved we intend to be". I'm sure it was meant light-heartedly but it sent a shiver down my spine at the time because I knew she had the potential to be an overbearing granny. Weirdly, she wrote that card in reply to one I had sent her, because she had visited when I was about 5 months pg and apart from "how are you feeling?" the pregnancy and baby had not been discussed at all. Which I thought was odd. So I wrote and told her I wasn't superstitious about the pregnancy and was happy to talk about names, nursery decorating, all that stuff - telling her she could ask me about anything she wanted. That's what I got back, ironic really given the situation we're now in!

I think I might be onto something with the competitive grandparenting. If she spends loads of time with people who know what their GCs ate for tea last night - and they probably do, people tend to live in each others pockets far more than they do in my life - then maybe it embarrasses her that she can't chip in with her own story - "My DGS can count to 10 in French, fell over in the playground last Tuesday and ate all his fishfingers last night" etc. Maybe she feels it shows her up. I know she would love nothing more than that level of detail, and DH certainly doesn't give her that, so maybe that's what she thinks she'll get from me by buttonholing me on a regular basis. She's always been on at me to call her, but she has really ramped it up a notch since Christmas and not quite sure why.

Sorry, meant she addressed her MIL as Mrs Surname - v formal. My mum managed to get through her marriage until her MIL's death without ever referring to her directly at all - she would just say "DH, will you ask your mum if she wants a cup of tea?". Amazing!

My M-I-L does that upping the ante thing. She phones me most days and sometimes when I genuinely cant answer my phone cos I'm on a call already or in the loo or driving or whatever and admittedly but only the odd time dont fancy an hour conversation so ignore her call - what she does is withholds her number and I get some calls from a switchboard which could be important and they are withheld so I always answer those calls.

Very very hard to put into words but it just annoys me so much it actually makes the hairs on back of my neck stand up when I answer the withheld number and its her - she has this way of answering my hello in a sort of 'Aha caught you' triumphant sort of way. Puts me in such a foul mood that I only grunt and give her yes and no answers.

I know I'm being ridiculous but its the deviousness of it I think and the being tested that really winds me up. I actually make a point now if she does this of making a big thing of it and saying 'How come your numbers blocked?' and she always says 'No idea' etc and then I say 'oh you should get on to BT about that'

GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Oh. That card sounds erm, well, creepy. Desperation disguised as assertion. It's not right. I felt the same when my mil wanted to tell everyone ds1 was prem because I conceived him six weeks before I married dh. "Oh but Grim, you don't know me very well yet but I always get my own way," mil told me.

Sorry but Ii think you are very wise to keep your distance. Any more and it will mess up your marriage, frustrate you and piss off your mil. Feed her lies about what the dcs are doing to keep her happy.

This desperation over gcs or any relationship is downright odd IMO and needs nipping in the bud. Stand your ground with your dh but don't go on about it. He knows what you feel and think. There's no need for further rows.