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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider leaving my children for a year to study?

546 replies

secondcity · 06/02/2011 07:36

long-time lurker here. I am braving AIBU and am bracing myself for the onslaught....

I live in New York with my husband and children, We have been here almost two years and everyone is very settled......except me!

I have been offered a (fully-funded) post-graduate course in the UK in september 2011.

If I were to accept the course, I wouldn't bring my children, but I would aim to come back once a month, and they would obviously come to me for all the holidays. My husband is very capable and we would probably get some part-time childcare sorted (secondary aged kids)

I swing between thinking it would be absolutely fine, (their father used to work away for up to 2 months at a time!)to thinking what kind of mother would contemplate leaving her children.

Anyone have any experience or advice? Thank you

OP posts:

Tortington · 06/02/2011 07:37

i think it would be more than fine - after all there are LOAAAAAAADS of school holidays

pooka · 06/02/2011 07:45

I don't think that the children would suffer. Lots of holidays (particularly the long summer vacation). Skype. And so on.

But what about your relationship with your dh? I think you get ridiculously small holiday entitlement in the US - how would that work in terms of him seeing you and all the family being together?

However - you've obviously coped with separation in the past so only you can tell how it would be likely to pan out.

empirestateofmind · 06/02/2011 07:49

I think it depends on the children. How do they feel about it? Some are so busy and independent at that age that they would be fine, especially if your DH is approachable, helpful and available to them. Others would not be fine if they need you to talk things through or as a shoulder to cry on or to help organise things for school or their social life.

If it is going to upset things at home and they have important exams coming up I wouldn't dream of it. If they want you to go for it and are happy to cope without you then no problem.

seoraemaeul · 06/02/2011 07:52

I'm very much of the "happy mummy equals happy kids" mindset so I'd say go for it.

There are lots of holidays, and if you can afford the travel its not that far for long weekends etc. And of course can assure you have loving childcare as well as their Dad there - I do think he can't go away for work for 2 months at the same time IYSWIM.

Ultimately if they see you happy and following your dream thats a great impression to give them. My only question would be - what after that? If you did this but then did nothing with the qualification I eould question the disruption?

I know there will be others who disagree but only you really know your kids and whether they would be OK with this - and thats what would be the final decision factor for me.

belgo · 06/02/2011 07:54

Yes definitely go for it. Sounds a good opportunity. Just be prepared for huge phone bills, so that your children can speak to you whenever they need to.

defineme · 06/02/2011 07:55

You could ask the kids their opinion. They might think that the travelling was a big bonus. You'd miss seeing them at special events and stuff, but as you say your dh would be there doing that sort of stuff.

It does sound like a fantastic oportunity.
If you've not settled what will happen when the year's over-what are the long term implications?

I do think it's easy to lose touch with teenagers-they half want you to with the whole wanting independence thing, but you'd probably make more effort to talk to them because you'd have a physical distance.

spidookly · 06/02/2011 08:03

I did the long distance thing between ny & uk for 2 years before DH and I were married.

I wouldn't contemplate it now.

Not that I think "what kind of mother...?"

I just think the mundane reality of being so far away, in another time zone, living another life, will be lonely for you and bad for your family (in particular your relationship with DH, as you don't mention when you would spend time with him).

How long will you be in ny? Is this something to pursue at a later date?

What would the plan be when you were done? What is the benefit of the course, other than getting you back to the uk?

I think sometimes we can treat our marriages as infinitely elastic and put massive amounts of strain on them that they might not withstand.

Well done on your offer btw :) It's not something it will be east to turn down. But you knew that when you applied.

Why did you apply?

TyraG · 06/02/2011 08:10

I think it's a bit odd to up and leave your kids for a year, but I guess I'm just weird like that.

Original poster

secondcity · 06/02/2011 08:10

Wow! thanks for all your replies. I wasn't really expecting such positive responses. I think I expected people to think I was being incredibly selfish.

To answer a few questions, my husband will not be travelling at all while I am away. I don't know how it will affect our relationship to be honest. We have been seperated through work on and off for almost 6 years, I hated it to begin with but ended up loving my own space, he now doesn't travel for any longer than an odd week here or there, I miss it!

My Children will actually only be 11 and 12 when the course starts. They are both pretty independent, children have a little more freedom here than in the UK. but of course I worry, especially for my daughter, is this the time she really needs her Mum? with periods and schoolwork etc!

It now sounds like I am trying to talk myself out of it. I just want to give a full picture.

OP posts:

Original poster

secondcity · 06/02/2011 08:18

few cross posts.

We are in NY for good... well, until our itchy feet get the better of us!

I applied before we had our greencards as I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay.

As I mentioned previously, I would get full funding, I would not be eligible for any funding here.

My husband has a very generous holiday entitlement, and he is quite flexible in that he can work remotely if necessary, or could even head into the London office, if he was visiting with the kids.

OP posts:

belgo · 06/02/2011 08:22

I'm not sure if you should ask the children's opinion. If they say no don't go, would you really miss this opportunity?

If a father had this opportunity, would he ask the children first? Many fathers work away from their children.

I think you should tell them you are going and reassure them about phone calls, holidays etc.

It makes a big difference that this will be for just one year, it would be far harder if it was indefinite.

ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 08:24

Yes, your dd really needs both parents, and especially her Mum at the onset of puberty. Why on earth can't you take a correspondence course? My DH works away a bit but I have always been the main carer and so for me to go away for a year would be outrageous, and he wouldn't go for more than 3 weeks at a time either....who would want to leave their children for that long?

I think it's bollocks this 'happy mother, happy child' crap. There are plenty of self self serving parents with unhappy children.

ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 08:25

If either of my parents choose to fuck off for a year I know at 11/12 I would have felt abandoned....no matter what the reason. The fact that the OP has other choices makes it even worse.

Original poster

secondcity · 06/02/2011 08:28

I think the choice I have is to do it, or not to do it.....
not really sure what you mean?

OP posts:

emkana · 06/02/2011 08:29

Agree with posie. And id say the same to a dad. I thinkkp this is an absolutely crucial age to be around for, and not just on the phone and in the holidays

belgo · 06/02/2011 08:29

Is it possible to do it as a correspondence course? For most postgraduate courses this would be impossible, unless it was philosophy or something.

ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 08:30

Well some people have to go away for a time, although not a year, or they're stuck without a job/income or stuck in low paid work or they're in the forces. That's not the same with you is it?

noodle69 · 06/02/2011 08:30

I dont think a dad or a mum should do this tbh. Think back to when you were that age and imagine what it would be like having your mum and dad leave you for a year.

Original poster

secondcity · 06/02/2011 08:31

no, sadly no correspondence courses,

OP posts:

caramelwaffle · 06/02/2011 08:31

I say Go for it. It is one Academic year. Good luck.

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 08:31

What course is it, if you don't mind me asking?

emkana · 06/02/2011 08:32

If they came to the uk for the holidays, where would they stay, and what would they do? They might not like to be away from their friends and activities this long.

ThreeBubbasAndManyBumps · 06/02/2011 08:33

Personally I think your kids are too young for you to up and leave even with frequent visits etc (also think of the costs of flying everyone back and forth, let alone the joys of the flights on possibly stressed-out kids) - I imagine the costs of flights etc would soon outweigh the cost of doing the degree closer to 'home'??

Surely there must be some kind of long-distance/OU style course that's similar which would hold your interest but allow you to stay with your kids and DH?

Ephiny · 06/02/2011 08:33

I think it would be fine, like belgo says lots of fathers work overseas (or spend so much time at work and travelling that they hardly see their children anyway) and generally no one thinks it's 'odd'. You mention that in your family your DH has been away for long periods, and presumably the children coped with that, so why would it be any different for you?

I would think about how you'd feel if you didn't take this opportunity out of feelings of 'what kind of mother would...', would you feel resentful and unhappy and would the children pick up on that? My mother gave up a promising academic career to be a SAHM and she made sure we didn't forget it!

Original poster

secondcity · 06/02/2011 08:34

I can't do the course here, so for me it is very important, The course lasts a year, but of course they would come and see me and I would visit them. As was mentioned previously, American schools are always on holiday!

OP posts:

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