to consider leaving my children for a year to study?

[secondcity]

long-time lurker here. I am braving AIBU and am bracing myself for the onslaught....

I live in New York with my husband and children, We have been here almost two years and everyone is very settled......except me!

I have been offered a (fully-funded) post-graduate course in the UK in september 2011.

If I were to accept the course, I wouldn't bring my children, but I would aim to come back once a month, and they would obviously come to me for all the holidays. My husband is very capable and we would probably get some part-time childcare sorted (secondary aged kids)

I swing between thinking it would be absolutely fine, (their father used to work away for up to 2 months at a time!)to thinking what kind of mother would contemplate leaving her children.

Anyone have any experience or advice? Thank you

... and now that our new tory government has reduced university funding (hence the higher student fees), the tax payer pays even less.

What a difficult decision, OP. Congrats on getting such an amazing offer.

What I don't understand is why, after nearly two years, do you still feel so unsettled in NY? Are there things you could do to improve this? How would going away for a year help this, since you say your plan is to stay in NY forever - surely you need a strategy to help you settle, not to take you away? Apologies if you've already answered this and I've missed your posts.

If it were me I'd be torn but ultimately wouldn't want to miss out on a year of my children's lives at that age. That's why I'd never dream of sending my children away to school. And yes, even with skype and holidays, you will still miss out on an awful lot. And so will they. There's no substitute for being there in person.

Clearly you know all of this already. So I'm just adding my opinion to the throng and wish you well with your final decision.

ignore naysayers and belligerent scammer allegations.make plans,organise finances and children.being given funded course is fantastic opportunity,educationally and socially

plan well
pat self on back
and as you said you did the sahm stuff now its your time too

not1not2, I didn't say you had accused me of scamming the British taxpayer, I was accused of that (in those exact words) much earlier in the thread, I had also explained very early on that this was privately funded.
Thanks TheMother.... international students do pay much higher fees and are therefore subsidising these courses.

Speedy, sorry I didn't answer you, I don't think I am necessarily unsettled in NY itself, possibly more within myself, if that makes sense. I feel I have gone as far as I can with home study. This course really is what I want to do with my life, obviously my biggest problem would be as so rightly pointed out, tearing myself away from my family.

Go for it. If this is what you really want and need to do personally, your family will only reap the benefits of it. I'm a believer in happy mummy, happy family. It sounds like you have a very supportive DH as well, which makes it even more of a go for it for me. At least you are in a position to leave when and if need be to be with family, have holiday time together and have arrange to come back once a month, even bi-monthly would be reasonable. There are plenty of military families that don't have that luxury and mom's and dad's are stationed for a year abroad without leave and not much contact with family.

A friend of mine here in Europe was offered a teaching & research post at Harvard for 2 years. She took it and her daughter with her. Her son (doing equivalent of A-levels) and husband stayed here in Europe and visited as often as possible. She is now teaching in Shanghai and the children are grown up. She always was one for adventure though.

work out exactly how many days you will be away from them once you've taken into account the holidays and trips home. it will put in in perspective.

PoseyParker, you'd have totally hated me then! I got full funding from a British university to do my PhD. What do you know? Three years of fees + monthly maintenence for three years. Plus, I got the international fee difference paid for by the Overseas Research Student scheme. So, I did this PhD, and, thanks to dear husband's work permit, got naturalised as a British citizen... and do you know what we did next? We left to go to Canada cause DH got a good job there! My husband paid his taxes in the UK though, just in case you think we're scamming immigrants. Nah, that's true, I probably was a scamming immigrant, despite over 5 years of working my arse off afterwards. Boy, you must be steaming by now eh?

And you know why I got all this support? Because I was fucking brilliant at my studies all my life and my research was considered worthy of being supported internationally.

Secondcity... here is an experience for you. When DD was 18 months, we went to Canada for a visit to the GPS. I had to go back to the UK early, because of work. I was pretty sure I couldn't leave DD behind, was quite stressed and all. And a funny thing happened when I went back to the UK. I 'talked' to DD practically every day using Skype, and telephone calls. And in three weeks we saw each other again. What do you know? She was super pleased to see me, but she hadn't missed me at all. We have a brilliant relationship.

I love my parents and sister, and talk to them every day using Skype. They happen to be in India.

The point being - yes, your children will miss you. And oh yes, you will miss your children incredibly. But we are very lucky to live in a world which is very close, both technologically and physically. The academic year is not that long, and time flies incredibly fast. Between your studies, talking to children, and co-ordinating visits, the time will just disappear.

And to show for it, your children will have a mum who was no afraid of 'what people would say', and grasped her chance at doing what she wants to do.

Fully funded MA courses are very rare, and you are incredibly lucky to get one. Its highly unlikely that you will get this opportunity again, given the future state of university finances. PLEASE PLEASE take it. Your whole family will be happy and you will be much more fulfilled if you take your opportunity.

It's really should be about working out how you're going to work all the usual logistics of going away now, not about whether you should take the course up.

And before anyone asks, if I had this opportunity and my child was the age of the OPs children I would totally take it and be grateful for it. It doesn't make me selfish. My DD has an incredible father who is also able to look after her equally well.

PS - Sorry for the essay, but some of the comments made me so mad

It seems like a brilliant opportunity and one which you can't count on being available in the future. What would you lose (money, face?) if you started the course but had to give it up part way through?

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas, I was going to post the jobs.ac.uk link too :) Got my place off there.

And as for if the British taxpayer funded my research, probably yes, because the ORS, if I am not gravely mistaken, gets some funding from the government. Not sure how much longer for though.

Lots of assumptions about the Armed Forces on here, but that's par for the mumsnet course!

OP, I would see this as 'short term pain for long term gain'. If this course will allow you to earn more, let your husband have to work less, fulfil you and make you happier, open options in other countries etc then it is worth it for the pain of being away from your DC.

If there isn't any long term gain, then what's the point?

This is also how I would explain it to your DC. "Mums got to work away for 9 months, but I'll be home every xx weeks and inbetween we can Skype / email / write. After I have passed the course I will be able to work whilst you are at school, so that Dad won't have to work so late to earn the same money"

I am in a similar boat. After I had DD I wanted to leave the Army. By staying in (and travelling when I had to) we are in a position that I can 'retire' next year whilst still bringing in a wage. We can also go mortgage free, and DH could also retire (in actual fact he wants to work part time as he has been a SAHD for years)

My 'short term pain' was 7 years! Yours is only 9 months. DD has been upset when I have gone away (thankfully, and unusually not for any 6 mth blocks, but plenty of months here and there). She was always fine when I returned and we are closer than many other mums and daughters I know. I would even say we are closer than her and DH and yet he's been her primary caregiver!

In the scheme if things it's 9 months out of a lifetime - that's not much.

HTH

A lot of people think it is no different to having a parent in the Armed forces. True. Having a parent serving away puts an enormous pressure on the parent left behind and does affect the kids. My dad was in the navy btw.

I have no opinion either way, you know your kids better than me. I think it is only fair to ask them how they feel about it though.

Going to boarding school is not the same as having a parent being away for extended periods of time.

I went to boarding school from the age of five, and my dad worked away on and off until I was eleven. The fact I wasn't at home didn't matter ? I was still affected by the fact that my dad was working away (abroad in fact).

With boarding school it's different because although the child is away from their parents, all their peers are in the same position as they are.

Being in the armed forces is also different because as a rule people are already n those jobs before they have children. You wouldn't suggest that someone should give up their existing job once children come along, that shouldn't be any different just because that job happens to take you away from home for extended periods of time.

But the reality here is that op isn't going away to work ? she's going to chase a dream. She's been a sahm for years and regardless of how hard she studies now there are no guarantees that this will amount to anything. As we know graduate jobs are few and far between and op is deluding herself if she thinks thatshe will just be able to walk into her "dream job" at the end of it all.

Op tbh I don't actually think this is about your degree or the job that you want at the end of it. You've already said that you're unsettled in new york, I think that you want confirmation of that by leaving your family and going after something else.

I think there's a real risk that going away will confirm to you what you don't like about your current life, and that that will be to the detriment of your relationship both with your dh and your children.

Taking the studying and the distance out of the equasion here, going away, on your own, to a different life, whie you are clearly not happy in the life you are currently in is a really bad idea.

Perhaps you should examine what's wrong in your life atm before casting it aside and pursuing a different life away from your family. Because it will be a different life. Different people, different friends, different experiences, and as time goes on you may find that you don't want to go back to your existing life, which will also have moved on without you, especially if there is the chance that you will just have to go back to how things were if you can't get a job at the end.

Lawks, but you wear an awesomely huge pair of judgy bloomers, dontcha, Posie?

Only while I agree that a year away from your children mightn't be the most perfect option and not one that I think I could have done, it isn't as if the OP plans to piss off back to the UK without a backward glance and not see her DP or children for 12 months. It's the easiest thing to fly back and forth to the USA (the flight is quicker than many train journeys in the UK), her DP has a generous holiday entitlement and an academic year is, after all, not much more than 40 weeks. However, only the OP knows her children and how they would react to the idea.

I went to boarding school at the age of 12 (thus spending every academic year away from home) and I'm afraid I'm not prepared to dismiss my mother as someone who should have got a dog or a handbag - as you insultingly, and ignorantly claim. We didn't live in England all year round for various very valid reasons and the same was true for other schoolfriends. We did not think we'd been abandoned, however.

I do believe that our children are the most important people in our lives. I don't happen to believe that you do them any harm by considering yourself once in a while.

thing is, while the op is currently saying she will go home every month will she actually want to do that once she is over here? If work is due/other things are happening/if the children have activities on that prevent them from coming over - you have to consider all possibilities, and one of those possibilities can well be that op won't get to see her family as often as she thinks she would due to circumstance (cost/strike action/ash clouds/snow causing airport closures/assignments due in/children's activities etc).

But even if the OP doesnt come home every month, or even every other month it is still only 9 months out of a lifetime.

9 months is not that long in the grand scheme of things.

Again - "short term pain for long term gain"

My mum wasn't around as much as I would have liked when I was your children's age. I really missed her. I still feel quite bitter about it. Actually I'm surprised at how upset I feel just typing this.

YABU, sorry. Each to their own though, it's your life after all.

With boarding school it's different because although the child is away from their parents, all their peers are in the same position as they are.

I agree totally with this. It's very different.

I would never do this.
You can study closer to home. Or on line distance learning.
Your children need their mum. Flame me all you like but now that you have kids your responsibility is to tailor your needs around theirs; and this is hardly that. If you are unsettled your responsibility as a parent is to try to address that for yourself without removing yourself from your children. in my opinion.

I agree that you need to get to the bottom of the unsettled feeling within yourself and suggest that the answer to it may not be found in the course. Happy mum, happy kids may not be the outcome otherwise.

Boarding school -- not that many in the US that you would be happy to send a child to. The US doesn't have the same boarding school culture that the UK does. If the children were to go to school in the UK they would be at sea academically in areas like English, History, Geography, perhaps maths and the sciences, as the focus in the US at their stage is naturally on the US, while at school in the UK they would be looking at things from a UK perspective. They are too young for the International Baccalaureate. Unless there's an American boarding school option in the UK, or an American school close to the university, moving the children back for a year would be unfeasible, on top of the dislocation of their lives that this would involve.

I wouldn't do it. And neither would DH. He turned down a promotion because it meant he wouldn't be home for tea/bath/bed. I don't think it's a gender issue. I can see it's a fantastic opportunity, but for me it would be unbearable. Doesn't mean it's wrong in every situation. And my DCs are a lot younger, so hard for me to imagine how they'd be in 8-10 years time, of course.

Unless there's an American boarding school option in the UK, or an American school close to the university, moving the children back for a year would be unfeasible, on top of the dislocation of their lives that this would involve.

I think there are international schools in London which follow an American curriculum.

There are, but maybe London is not where the OP's course is? Or did I miss something.