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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider leaving my children for a year to study?

546 replies

secondcity · 06/02/2011 07:36

long-time lurker here. I am braving AIBU and am bracing myself for the onslaught....

I live in New York with my husband and children, We have been here almost two years and everyone is very settled......except me!

I have been offered a (fully-funded) post-graduate course in the UK in september 2011.

If I were to accept the course, I wouldn't bring my children, but I would aim to come back once a month, and they would obviously come to me for all the holidays. My husband is very capable and we would probably get some part-time childcare sorted (secondary aged kids)

I swing between thinking it would be absolutely fine, (their father used to work away for up to 2 months at a time!)to thinking what kind of mother would contemplate leaving her children.

Anyone have any experience or advice? Thank you

OP posts:
Ephiny · 06/02/2011 08:34

I think the frequent visits make a difference too, it's not as though they won't see you for a whole year! And you can chat on the phone/Skype as often as you want.

ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 08:35

So if the father has frequently buggered off for long spells the mother should do it too? Really?

Working is another issue isn't it? Studying is not going to put food on the table, perhaps long term but not really.

belgo · 06/02/2011 08:36

I think it's a good point to weigh up the costs of flights/phonecalls against the costs of studying in the US. Although I do know the US is ridiculously expensive for studying.

For one academic year your children will cope. A fully funded post graduate course may not be there when they are older.

TattyDevine · 06/02/2011 08:36

I know someone who did this. Circumstances were slightly different, but...

She lived in Australia, had 2 girls one aged 15 one aged 17, both at school still, so a particularly important time for them, particularly the 17 year old who was doing the equivalent of A levels, but also the 15 year old who was doing the bit you do before A level equivalent (different system over there)

I figure she thought it would be okay because of their ages. Basically she was offered a postgraduate something or other at Cambridge, so a pretty fantastic opportunity for her to be fair.

The main difference I suppose is that she was not able to fly back once a month but she did return several times in the year and the girls flew over etc. So its not like she buggered off and didn't come back for a year or anything.

Turns out her and her husband had an agreement where they could have sex with other people as long as it was purely physical.

Except he fell in love with the woman he started seeing.

She came back, they tried to work it out by him breaking up with her and they even renewed their wedding vows. But it was over, he couldn't stay, so they split.

She got a bit bitter and issued the girls with an ultimatum to either be loyal to him or loyal to her. One chose him, one chose her. Family completely split. (She was a bit of a nutter to be fair)

Husband is now shacked up quite happily with new wife. Girls have a tentative and long distance relationship with each other, but its all a bit stealth and secret due to the mother thwarting it.

She makes out it was all his doing but honestly I think she tempted fate by buggering off for a year. Having said that, it was an amazing opportunity for her.

That's pretty far removed from your situation but I thought I'd share anyway.

spidookly · 06/02/2011 08:37

I don't think you should ask the children, because it is not fair to put that kind of pressure on them.

They are far too young to understand the implications of that kind of distance.

Do you really want to miss a whole year if your children's life?

Because all the visits and skyping in the world won't change the fact that you won't be sharing a continent with them, never mind the day-to-day intimacy of living in the same home.

You will miss stuff. A lot of stuff. Stuff that matters.

Post-grad courses can be done anytime, but your children will only be 11 and 12 once each.

Don't overlook the opportunity to see your children through puberty because you are blinded by the opportunity to do a post-grad course.

Unless there are very pressing reasons that it has to be done now, I would say the more valuable experience is with your children.

And I would say that as much to a man as to a woman. Putting the Atlantic Ocean and 5 hours time difference between you and your children for a whole year will affect your relationship.

I think you would be giving up a lot to do this course. I'm not sure there's a post-grad course on earth that would be worth the sacrifice and risk you're considering taking.

Animation · 06/02/2011 08:37

No, sorry I don't think it's a good idea to leave your kids for a whole year - kids need their parents around, that's the truth. These kind of courses are not more important than being there for the kids - they have to wait - or be put on the back burner.

noodle69 · 06/02/2011 08:37

I think its very odd for a dad to go away from a year from his kids. I had a friend at school whose dad went away a lot and she hated him for it and they still dont get on now. I dont know how any parent can do it tbh

ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 08:37

second....fine leave your dcs for a year if the course is important to you, afterall who says once you have children you should put them first?

emkana · 06/02/2011 08:38

How would they entertain themselves while spending school holidays with you?

belgo · 06/02/2011 08:38

I want to address some of PP's assumptions:

Does fully funded mean that you will be given a wage? How will it improve your future earning potential?

seoraemaeul · 06/02/2011 08:38

secondcity - the key question you've not answered yet is what would you do with the qualification? Is it a step to a long term goal or is it a one off? And if its leading to a career - how will this impact your family and living in NY? If you delay a couple of years is the finance offer not available? And for the funding are you beholden to anyone/organisation who may want you to work in a certain country or for a certain company afterwards?

In defence of my "bollocks" on happy mothers, I guess its different for different families and situations. But I also know lots of bitter women who've given up all or some parts of their lives and begrudged their kids for it later. We can all give opinions but only the OP knows how it will be for her and her family.

belgo · 06/02/2011 08:40

noodle I don't think your friend's story is relevant, after all many people don;t get on with their parents.

Original poster
secondcity · 06/02/2011 08:40

studying may well put food on my table Posie and could even mean my husband could ease off a bit. I have been a SAHM since they were born, a few part-time jobs here and there but we have moved frequently around the world. I have supported my husband's career, maybe it is time for him to support mine?

OP posts:
BeenBeta · 06/02/2011 08:40

I suppose this is no diferent from someone in the armed forces going on a tour of duty or someone working on an oil rig/ship.

If you get some childcare help for DH I dont see a problem. I wouldn't do it but a lot of people do.

changeforthebetter · 06/02/2011 08:40

Interesting language coming out here "choose to fuck off" "self-serving" "outrageous" "abandonned" Hmm

OP no one can possibly make a judgement on your situation (though plenty have done so) since we don't know your kids, what you plan to study and what that study could lead to. I wonder if the language would have been so immoderate if you had proposed sending them to a boarding school for a year? Of course not, because that would have been about them and you are daring to propose something which primarily benefits you Wink

Good luck with your decision. I would find that hard and doubt I could do it but that's me and my kids and not a judgement on whether you should.

ThreeBubbasAndManyBumps · 06/02/2011 08:41

What would you say to your DH if he suggested the same deal for him? What does he think?

noodle69 · 06/02/2011 08:42

I just dont think its normal to go away from your kids. My husband left the forces as he just cant comprehend how anyone could willingly leave their children for 4 months. I dont think it is normal for a dad or a mum to do it.

ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 08:43

Then you should all move back, not just you.

I don't see this as a mother/father situation, this is a parent situation. I do wonder why so many parents feel it's okay to put themselves first just because the other has.....

noodle69 · 06/02/2011 08:43

changeforthebetter - I think sending them to boarding school would be even worse!

ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 08:44

change.....I think parents who choose to send their dcs off to boarding school should have bought dogs and handbags instead of having children.

OP is asking for judgements.

Suchffun · 06/02/2011 08:44

I wouldn't do it. Lots of parents leave their children (temporarily or otherwise) because they HAVE to, but I couldn't CHOOSE to because I was feeling bored/unfulfilled/resentful of husband. Work out your
motivation for why you want to do it and then find a way of achieving that alongside your family.

Normantebbit · 06/02/2011 08:46

Could you cope emotionally? My SIL works away for weeks at a time and leaves her 4 year old. It's the nature of her work and she can't do it any other way. She missed her DD desperately the last time, after a month, and her DH had to fly out to the states with DD because SIL was missing her dreadfully.

I left my kids for a week and found it tough emotionally.

I'm not saying don't do it but don't underestimate how tough it might be for you and them.

mistletoekisses · 06/02/2011 08:46

OP - Personally I would not consider this. At all, but that is because I think I would be in pieces being that far away from my kids for such a long time. I also think that the children will miss you far too much. As much as they will be able to rationlise their decision, their hearts won't understand why you have decided to leave them.

As for another poster who has commented about whether fathers would have the same consideration, in this household my DH absolutely would. Why would it be any different?

A few questions you need to ask yourself:

  • do your kids have a strong relaionship with their father? when I say that, is he really actively involved in their day to day upbringing? To the extent that they totally trust him and respect him and he is very hands on regarding rules/ boundaries. Will they listen to him?
  • Will you be able to be totally hands off and let him do the main parenting? He will have to make decisions there and then on occasion and you will have to support him, no arguing after the event.
  • How do you think your family will settle when you are back from your years study? Are you prepared that it will be avery different dynamic from now and you will have to work very hard to get back into things?
- Are you prepared to not be there for some milestones? Puberty starting, first kiss...all that stuff? - Are you prepared that for all the modern advances re. skype, your children will not confide in you the same as they do when you are there with them. Mine are much younger but already DS1 ill come out with little things that really bother him, just as I am tucking him in, or when he is sitting in my lap reading. Not when I am on the phone with him from work....

There is no doubting that it is a fantastic offer and I don't blame you for being torn. I also don't think you are selfish if you decide to take it, what you do need to think about is the possible repercussions to you and your family.

Good luck.

chillichill · 06/02/2011 08:47

you really can't find a similar course to do in NY or the surrounding areas? even Boston is only 3 hours away. o think another poster made a very good point about cost if flights outweighing free course.
I think your girl.will need you and you. I'm all for mums doing what they need or want for themselves but I can't believe you can't find a better compromise.

Bonsoir · 06/02/2011 08:47

If your children are at secondary school and happily settled with friends and teachers and not going through horrid teenage angst, I think you should do the course - it sounds as if you really want to do it.

Basically it depends on how your DH and DCs will manage without you. Though you don't want them managing too well...

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