Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider leaving my children for a year to study?

546 replies

secondcity · 06/02/2011 07:36

long-time lurker here. I am braving AIBU and am bracing myself for the onslaught....

I live in New York with my husband and children, We have been here almost two years and everyone is very settled......except me!

I have been offered a (fully-funded) post-graduate course in the UK in september 2011.

If I were to accept the course, I wouldn't bring my children, but I would aim to come back once a month, and they would obviously come to me for all the holidays. My husband is very capable and we would probably get some part-time childcare sorted (secondary aged kids)

I swing between thinking it would be absolutely fine, (their father used to work away for up to 2 months at a time!)to thinking what kind of mother would contemplate leaving her children.

Anyone have any experience or advice? Thank you

OP posts:
redoneslast · 06/02/2011 09:32

What are the conditions of the funding?

TyraG · 06/02/2011 09:49

In the end you have to decide what is more important to you, family or career. Especially with your daughter going through puberty, why on Earth would you ever leave her to handle it alone.

I kind of get the feeling that the OP has something of a "seven year itch" going on and wants to see if the grass really is greener on the other side. She also sounds a little resentful about having been a SAHM for so long.

And to the poster who suggested that this is no different than a spouse in the armed forces, you couldn't be more wrong. They don't choose to go away for an allotted amount of time, they HAVE to go. This is just something she WANTS to do.

Personally I think she's already made up her mind and just wants people to tell her she's right.

lalalonglegs · 06/02/2011 09:55

I disagree that UK universities aren't as well regarded as US ones - the top universities have a very good reputation overseas so, if the course is at one of those, the qualification should be "portable".

Is the place in which you will be studying close to friends and family (and an international airport)? I think it could be a miserable few months if you have to start completely from scratch in terms of making friends, finding accommodation and transatlantic commuting but, on paper, your children are big enough to understand especially as they have already experienced their father living away from home.

The question, to me, is your husband - reading between the lines his job sounds fairly high ranking which probably makes him an alpha-male type. Are you sure that he is ready to take on the drudgery of running a home and only seeing you once a month (I know that he should support you but will he?)?

hairylights · 06/02/2011 09:57

I think yabu. Your kids need both their parents . A year is a very long time.

PotPourri · 06/02/2011 10:01

I think it might break your heart. If you think it might, then it would. If you feel confident that you would cope without them then go for it.

But don't worry for a minute about what other people think - who cares if they think - what sort of a mother.... That is none of their business!

I can't imagine doing it, but then my kids are younger than yours. Listen to your heart. And do that.

SeaShellsDreamingOfSummer · 06/02/2011 10:04

I would say do it, before the "full blown" teenage years. If you delay now, it will realistically be after t

MmeLindt · 06/02/2011 10:07

I have not read the whole thread, but have read the OPs replies.

I would go for it. If you feel that they will cope - and realistically if they were at boarding school they would see even less of you.

spidookly · 06/02/2011 10:08

Just one more thing (and sorry to keep weighing in on one side, I am aware I have a one-sided view of this):

I think it is important here not to see this decision entirely in terms of being all upside for you, all downside for your children.

I can't see any advantage to your children that could possibly outweigh losing you for a year, but your happiness also matters here IMO.

Will this really make you happy (guilt aside)?

You have invested years in these children, in being there for them all the time as a SAHM. I can quite see that it now feels like time to do something for yourself, and leave them a little more to themselves.

But are you really prepared to do it so drastically? To put physical and emotional distance between you and the children you haven't finished raising?

You will miss them terribly, you will
miss out on stuff, you will become less important in their lives and when you come back you will have to find your way back in.

Can you really choose that after more than a decade of being there for everything?

edam · 06/02/2011 10:08

Depends on you, your children and your dh. Only you know them and can imagine how this would work or not work.

Misletoe's post is v. v. good - ask those questions and see where you are.

Btw, is there no chance of the whole family moving back to the UK? Does dh's career always have to take priority?

tinkertitonk · 06/02/2011 10:09

NYC has fantastic universities (Columbia, NYU to mention only 2), being there is an amazing opportunity for anyone with intellectual goals. Why miss it?

SeaShellsDreamingOfSummer · 06/02/2011 10:09

(sorry hit wrong button!)

It will realistically be after they leave home, and then te opportunity will be alot harder to get a similar offer.

My main concern would be as a family can you afford multiple flights for yourself and your family forthe year, as this will be te difference.

Fwiw dh and I have done this prechildren and pre skype and were fine :)

Congrats on your offer!

QueeferSutherland · 06/02/2011 10:10

Hairylights, so what about single parents, parents in the forces etc?

No one gives soldiers this grief. They are "heroes" rather than "abandoning" their children.

OP, I don't think YBU. But SeaShells makes a good point.

edam · 06/02/2011 10:12

quite, queefer. The poster who said soldiers 'have' to leave their children, while the OP is thinking of 'choosing' to is wrong - soldiers can leave the services if they wish.

Nothing against soldiers, btw, just think it's a false comparison to say they are good and the OP is bad.

spidookly · 06/02/2011 10:47

It's not that they are less well regarded, it's that individual post-grad courses will not have the same profile there that they have here, and contacts and alumni networks will not be as useful.

If this is a vocational degree to walk into a good job, I'd be surprised if a good UK qualification would be as useful as one with strong local industry links.

bubblewrapped · 06/02/2011 10:54

I am old fashioned I suppose, but I do wonder why people cant do their courses and study BEFORE having their family.

I am not saying women shouldnt have a career, of course they should if thats what they want, but why at the expense of their childrens family life?

At some point I think you have to put your own ambitions to one side if you have young children. You CHOOSE to have those children, and those children deserve to have their mum with them, not swanning off to another continent for a year to pursue her own education.

Sorry and I appreciate my views wont be the same as most other people, but I just think when you have children, you put them first, not yourself in this sort of area.

HappyMummyOfOne · 06/02/2011 11:06

YABU, an 11 year old girl needs her mum around - she may be fine now but six months could change a lot. I grew up without a mum at that age and is was so very hard, however it wasnt a choice. Yours is, can you honestly say leaving your children for a year as they are hitting their teens as being the best thing for them. They may resent it now and as an adult and your relationship with them could be damaged.

If you havent worked in years, even with a degree it doesnt mean you'll walk into the perfect job anyway.

Its very different having to travel for work and staying away from hom (its providing for your family) but quite another to choose to leave them for a year for something that could be done at home, via online learning etc.

maresedotes · 06/02/2011 11:07

It's not always possible to do courses and study before having chilldren for a number of reasons.

A father wouldn't be made to feel guilty for daring to think about himself.

OP, you should go.

minmooch · 06/02/2011 11:09

I wouldn't leave my children for a year for all the tea in china.

In a blink of an eye they will have left home anyway and then you have all the time in the world to do whatever you want.

Spend this precious time with your precious children. Find something closer to home that will fulfill you until your kids have left home.

maresedotes · 06/02/2011 11:09

I think it depends on the children as to whether they will resent the OP later. So it's ok to leave them for work (because she is providing for them) but not to study? How would they know the difference anyway? The OP is not abandoning them. She is arranging regular visits and is leaving them with their dad.

spidookly · 06/02/2011 11:11

I would say exactly the same to a man thinking of moving to another continent for a year and leaving his children behind.

I really don't think this is about gender.

I also think if the op thinks only about herself she still shouldn't go. She has an awful lot to lose here.

bubblewrapped · 06/02/2011 11:11

It's not always possible to do courses and study before having chilldren for a number of reasons

what reasons?

Not being facetious, but I cant think of any valid reasons.

And yes, a father should also bear the same responsibilities. If my husband decided he wanted to bugger off for a year to be a student, I wouldnt be happy about it either.

sakura · 06/02/2011 11:12

such a difficult one, I don't envy you. (well I do, in a way)
I don't think it can be a good thing from the point of view of the children. They will remember it and wonder why you did it.
Then again, as adults, they would probably be mortified to learn you turned down an opportunity like this...

Kids are very malleable and flexible, so I'm sure they'll be able to cope if you did go.

I think what I want to say is: a year is a long time for a child, but not so long for an adult, so just think very carefully and try to find other solutions first.

Also, is there any way you can take your kids with you?? OTOH, it's not fair at all on your husband not to see the kids for a year when it's not him who wants to leave, but you say you have been very supportive of him so far, so maybe he could support you on this?

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2011 11:14

Quiet and Spidookly make very good points. I would think so because I agree with them completely.
Marsedotes - if the father was the primary carer he probably would feel/be made to feel guilty.
The OP has presumably been in the role of the 'traditional mother' and now she wants to change. I can understand why, but will her children?
Will her husband step into that role or will they have to employ someone? Can he hold down what is presumably a high-level job and run the home and childcare?
I can't help it, I think you chose to have children and whilst they shouldn't rule your life they have to come first in this kind of situation.

spidookly · 06/02/2011 11:15

I don't think it would be a good idea to take a job on a different continent to your children either.

Families belong together. Sometimes there are unavoidable absences (and I do put serving in the military in that bracket, because that is part of the choice to live that life) but there are lots of other options here. It's not this course now or nothing.

noodle69 · 06/02/2011 11:15

I agree its a choice for the armed forces to. When I was in I found most that stayed in the forces once they had kids are not really family, hands on type people to their kids.

I think if you have been at home with them for 10 years you will find it harder.