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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider leaving my children for a year to study?

546 replies

secondcity · 06/02/2011 07:36

long-time lurker here. I am braving AIBU and am bracing myself for the onslaught....

I live in New York with my husband and children, We have been here almost two years and everyone is very settled......except me!

I have been offered a (fully-funded) post-graduate course in the UK in september 2011.

If I were to accept the course, I wouldn't bring my children, but I would aim to come back once a month, and they would obviously come to me for all the holidays. My husband is very capable and we would probably get some part-time childcare sorted (secondary aged kids)

I swing between thinking it would be absolutely fine, (their father used to work away for up to 2 months at a time!)to thinking what kind of mother would contemplate leaving her children.

Anyone have any experience or advice? Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
secondcity · 06/02/2011 08:48

Belgo, yes fees are paid and some living expenses.

It would make a huge difference to my future career, I have been studying for years, mostly correspondance, but this would actually mean I could get the job I have always wanted. Especially now we are planning on settling in one place long enough for my career to take off.

My family is all still in the UK so we spend long holidays here already.

OP posts:
changeforthebetter · 06/02/2011 08:49

Great post miseltoe. Constructive and realistic.

ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 08:49

You haven't even said what the course is or where, which makes me think it's a two a penny course that you could do elsewhere.

belgo · 06/02/2011 08:51

Fully funded postgraduate courses are not two a penny. Certainly not in the States where I know people to pay in the region of 25 thousand for a year's course.

defineme · 06/02/2011 08:54

When I said ask the children I did assume they were older than that.
I have just imagined what I would say if dh suggested this. I'd be vey upset.I could manage (as I'd have to if I was a single mother) but we are a team and I rely on him to do the very great many things he does do.The kids would be devastated (9 and 2x6yrs)-I know this because they mope about for the 5 days a year he does go away!We are perhaps unusual in that ds1 has special needs and his dad is very much part of his routine. I would also just miss him-he's my best friend as well as my lover.
However, if he was unhappy/ground down by his present life and this was the answer then I'd say do it -we'll manage. I can't imagine he'd want to, but I wouldn't stop him.
I assume you're very well off financially as the cost of travel/somewhere to stay will be huge and you're kids will need someone with them on the plane (11 yrold will won't they?).If that balances out against price of studying then fair enough.

It will be an upset and only you can guess if the positives will outweigh the negatives.

Hulababy · 06/02/2011 08:54

There is no way I could do it personally.

spidookly · 06/02/2011 08:55

If it's time for your DH to support you for a bit (and there is definitely an argument for that) then find a way to do this that doesn't put the burden onto your relationship with your children.

quietlysuggests · 06/02/2011 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belgo · 06/02/2011 08:56

No I couldn't do it either but if the OP can do it, and prepares carefully, then I think she should do it.

You never know, her children might even be proud of her in the future.

traceybath · 06/02/2011 08:56

What a tough decision for you.

I personally wouldn't as although my children are still small its my perception that the puberty/teenage years are when they need a lot of emotional support and I'd want to be around to do that for them really.

You have to do what works for you and your whole family though.

Good luck.

belgo · 06/02/2011 08:57

I want Xenia on this thread.

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 08:58

I would have a look at the Open University's course list to see if there is anything that takes your fancy. I am doing my MBA through the Open University and I am also an overseas student.

Hassled · 06/02/2011 08:59

What a dilemma - reading this thread I've veered from "no way, she can't go" to "of course she should go" and back again several times.

But it is only a year, and only an academic year at that so what, 10 months? Less?

One thing though - you said it would mean you could do your dream job - but would you be able to do your dream job with this qualification in NY? Is it transferable? Are there opportunities around in NY for the dream job? Because if not, you're looking at a huge long term change.

littlesez · 06/02/2011 08:59

I wouldn't do it, I would miss them far to much :( why can't they come with you?

ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 09:00

If it what works for the whole family then OP doesn't go.

AuntiePickleBottom · 06/02/2011 09:01

there is no way i could leave my kids for a week never mind a year.

Original poster
secondcity · 06/02/2011 09:02

Thank you all so much for your input. It is very helpful to hear both sides. I have to sleep now, nearly 4am! but will definately come back tomorrow.

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 09:06

OP...imagine your dd comes home from school having started her first period, she's embarrassed and needing advice....do you really think she'd call you up or words over the phone would replace a hug?

Quattrocento · 06/02/2011 09:07

Ordinarily I'd say just go. All for women building their own careers

Although it seems unlikely that one year of postgrad opens doors that would remain resolutely closed otherwise - fully-funded or not

And the alternatives - does it have to be this decision between one or the other? Why can't you do a post-grad in the US? The whole country is stuffed with post-grad schools

Surely the money on additional accommodation and flights etc would make up for the fully-fundedness of the place in the UK?

BellsaRinging · 06/02/2011 09:10

I would do it-the more you put off doing this course the less time you will have actually working in the field you want to. If you don't do it now, then presumably a) you can't guarantee getting this opportunity again and b) when will you feel able to leave the children? You could end up putting it off for another 7 years until they are at college/have moved out.
Lastly, you have supported your husband working away. He is equally capable at childcare, and as long as he is on board and the kids don't have major issues I can't see a problem.

EveWasFramed72 · 06/02/2011 09:10

It's a year. I just finished my post grad course, and I had a solid month off in Dec., a month in March, my coursework ended in May, and I spent 3 months writing a dissertation (which you can do anywhere, as long as you have access to the internet, resources, etc.) So really, you could be home 5 months out of the whole year. In my own experience, children at 11/12 in the US are more independent than here in England, so I think yours will be fine. The world is an awful lot smaller nowadays. Plus you are absolutely right; a postgrad degree would cost you lots more in the US. Plus, having a postgrad degree to back to the US with is a great idea...a degree means a whole bunch more in the US than it does here.

Hope that helps. Your children will be fine.

WhatsWrongWithYou · 06/02/2011 09:13

I want to know how someone has a chance of getting their 'dream job' after being an SAHM for over a decade!

spidookly · 06/02/2011 09:30

Great post quiet

op, weigh up the risks here carefully against the opportunities.

And be realistic about the opportunities. You will take none of your contacts from your post-grad back with you, and no matter how highly it's rated in the UK it will not have the same reputation in the US.

If that's where you're going to be permanently I would really be thinking about getting a local qualification, and making my contacts in the market I'd be working in.

Also someone brought up a very good point earlier about how you will settle in when you come back? Have you given this any thought?

You will leave an 11 year old and come back to a 12 year old, a 12 year old and come back to a teenager. No amount of holidays and skype will fill in that gap you will have created between you. Distance changes things.

miniwedge · 06/02/2011 09:31

The op hasn't just been a stay at home mum, she has been studying. I'm assuming the post grad will qualify her to make a start in that dream job.

Op - I went away for a similarblength of time to you for training, I was a single parent and dd was almost two.

She is fine, we are very close, no effects whatsoever.

I think for a lot of people the idea of doing this is anathema to being a parent, however, the reality is that it is not a long time at all, there are lots of ways to keep in close contact and you will be spending lots of time with the children throughout that period.

As Eve said, you would/could be home for up to 5 months out of the twelve, plus the time they can visit you.

Go for it. Smile

traceybath · 06/02/2011 09:31

Spidookly makes some very good points.