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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider leaving my children for a year to study?

546 replies

secondcity · 06/02/2011 07:36

long-time lurker here. I am braving AIBU and am bracing myself for the onslaught....

I live in New York with my husband and children, We have been here almost two years and everyone is very settled......except me!

I have been offered a (fully-funded) post-graduate course in the UK in september 2011.

If I were to accept the course, I wouldn't bring my children, but I would aim to come back once a month, and they would obviously come to me for all the holidays. My husband is very capable and we would probably get some part-time childcare sorted (secondary aged kids)

I swing between thinking it would be absolutely fine, (their father used to work away for up to 2 months at a time!)to thinking what kind of mother would contemplate leaving her children.

Anyone have any experience or advice? Thank you

OP posts:

Horton · 12/02/2011 07:28

I got the impression that it was in London from this: "My husband has a very generous holiday entitlement, and he is quite flexible in that he can work remotely if necessary, or could even head into the London office, if he was visiting with the kids."

But maybe it isn't, just close.

SpeedyGonzalez · 13/02/2011 01:03

Secondcity, ah, I see. Well, I can understand that, being in a similar position (except without the fabulous offer . I am trying to hoist my more-or-less SAHM ass out of my current situation, but my dilemma is about how much childcare I feel comfortable with DD having (she's 9 mo).

What a hard decision for you. Are there other possibilities which you can explore that are closer to home? Doesn't Columbia Uni offer any options for you (only uni I know of in NY)?

TotallyUnheardOf · 13/02/2011 01:26

I'm really sorry. I know it's not the done thing not to read the whole thread before posting, but it's 22 pages long and it's 1 a.m. and I really have to go to bed.

So, with the disclaimer that I haven't read the whole thread, I am just writing to say that I recently had the chance to do almost the exact opposite to you, OP. I got a grant that allowed me to spend 5 months (August to December) in the US, studying/researching/writing. I have two dds who are 8 and 10. They came with me to the US and attended school there. My dh was unable to get unpaid leave from his job back at home and stayed here. He came out with us at the beginning and came back for two further short visits. We spoke via Skype (no nasty bills!) nearly every day and he was able to see the kids that way too. The time difference is not a big deal as long as the kids are in the US and the adult is in the UK... it's later in the UK than in the US, so the adult stays up late and the kids talk to them after school/early evening. Not a problem.

Of course dh missed us and we missed him, but it was a fantastic experience and I'd do it again if I had the chance. I am not sure I'd move the kids from the UK once they were in secondary school though, so have told everyone I'm going back in 10 years time, when the youngest has done her A'levels.

It was not an option for us to leave the kids at home with dh while I went. He works shifts and so wouldn't have been at home for them at the beginning and end of each day, and we don't have family nearby to provide cover.

In your case, I don't think I'd want to bring the kids back here to the UK for a year. They'd be in secondary school here and I think the dynamic would be very different from their American Junior High (presumably). I think it'd work for primary age children - as it did for mine in reverse in 3rd/5th Grade.

So my instinctive reaction is to say 'go for it'... if you and your dh both have the will to make it work, then you can do so. Good luck!

Condensedmilkaddict · 13/02/2011 08:24

No way.

I have been in your position OP. I was asked to nominate for a prestigious overseas exchange in my profession
It would have been great fun, and very worthwhile career wise.
It was for six months.
I didn't even bother applying.

No one can know what effect this will have on your children. And i was not prepared to risk it. My children were and are, far too important to me.

CheerfulYank · 13/02/2011 08:28

I am repulsively neutral on this, but I just wanted to wish you all the best, whatever you decide. :)

Animation · 13/02/2011 08:44

What a great phrase - "I'm repulsively neutral" - I'm going to steal that for my own, and you can't do a damn thing about it.

CheerfulYank · 13/02/2011 09:12

@Animation It's three in the morning here love, and I'm feeling all full of caffeine and very affable. Steal away!

scottishmummy · 13/02/2011 20:24

what have you decided secondcity?fwiw i say go.youve done your housewife bit,now its time for you

cabbageroses · 13/02/2011 20:28

not read the whole thread, but you only live once- go for it.

your kids will survive.

SecondCity2 · 20/11/2019 07:26

OP here, I thought I would come back and update. I couldn’t remember my original log in details though and I guess there are not many of the original faces still here! I did go, not that year, but 18 months later. Then I came back (NY) and am still here. Just finished my PhD (took a looooong time) The kids were fine, and came very frequently anyway. I think I was really struck by how kind (most) people on this thread were. Sorry it took so long to update. 😂

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 20/11/2019 07:32

I could never leave my kids for a year. They sound to young.
But that's my opinion.

PlaygroundReviews · 20/11/2019 07:37

I didn't see the original thread, but so lovely to see this update. Glad it all worked out for you OP!

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 20/11/2019 07:41

I couldn't do it. Kudos to anyone that could.
My mindset is that we only get 18 years with our children, I couldn't miss one of them.
I was in a similar position where I got offered a dream job to teach at and research at an Australian university. I asked my husband and children to come with me. If they had said no, I would have stayed in Britain. Thankfully we are all happy here in Australia.
My children are slightly older than yours, I'm finding they 'need' me more as they enter into their early teens. Yours may be different. I know as a child, I would have hated either of my parents leaving.

But honestly, whatever you decide, all the very best.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 20/11/2019 07:42

Oh, I didn't realise you'd come back to update! Well done, I'm so glad it worked out for you all :-)

mondlicht · 20/11/2019 07:46

My mother gave up everything for me (she quit the career path she was on when she was late 20s to become a SAHM and hasn't been to work since) and I love and appreciate her but I don't respect her for it. From my point of view, the example she set and the way she brought me up has caused me to make many choices which I feel have stifled my potential as a child/teen. I'm now playing 'catch-up' and I'd be lying if I said I didn't resent her for not being a better role model to me.

HolaVida · 20/11/2019 08:44

Second city -
Want to tell us more about how it went? What were some of dynamics for family life?
We need more details !!!

SecondCity2 · 21/11/2019 02:05

My marriage had been a little shaky before I went HolaVida, it was a risky move as it could have broken us irreparably. He has always been very hands on with the children though, so that was not a worry. It actually strengthened our bond though and we are in a really good place now. My children seemed very happy with the arrangement, lots of trips to the UK, extended visits from doting grandparents when DH had to travel, and a fabulous meeting halfway in Iceland. Interestingly, both my children have elected to go to university in the UK, so we are a long distance family once again.

professionalnomad · 21/11/2019 06:33

It's one year

Everyone will be fine

Go for it

RedHelenB · 21/11/2019 07:31

I've always put my kids first but it's one year. Go for it!

NearlyGranny · 21/11/2019 07:44

I woukd not ask the children's opinion. 11 and 12 yo kids don't even get to pick their bedtime or viewing, do they? Why let them control your adult career path?

You've devoted over a decade to rearing them and at their age they will cope with a FiFo (fly in, fly out) mum.

Tell them when it's sorted and sell it as the sort of exciting life choice they will have too, before long. Also, give a big push to the benefits that will accrue for them, for you, for the whole family.

Think about it: men work away like this ALL the time and nobody blinks. What a great role model for equal relationships, fathers as primary carers and life-long learning you and your dh will be!

If they are anxious, make a daily commitment to facetime them. And why not blog your year (which will actually only be 9 months or so) so they can follow you online and feel part of it? Is there a chance they could visit you one holiday or weekend early on so they can picture you there?

If they were under 10, I'd counsel waiting a year or two, but this timing is perfect. They will grow up so much and love and respect you even more, if it's possible.

Yes, yes, yes; go for it!

KnightandDay · 21/11/2019 08:06

Great to see your update OP! It's a brave decision so glad to see it all worked out.

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