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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that play 'fighting' is normal behaviour for young boys?

163 replies

LetBoysBeBoys · 04/02/2011 21:05

Had to have a meeting with the school this week regarding DS2 (yr3) being involved in 'rough play' which basically involved a group of boys being in a rugby like scrum with general pushing and wrestling. The school policy is now that any type of 'rough play' will not be tolerated.

Now I will not tolerate bullying at all and if either of my DSs were involved in anything like that, they would be in big trouble, but this is nothing like that at all. The teacher also is very clear that this is not that at all and all involved are willing participants Grin.

DS1 has been disciplined in the past for breaking a branch off one of the many trees surrounding the playing field while swinging from it. His teacher rang me at home to notify me of it and kept the branch to show me at pick up time. He was also taken round all his year group class rooms with the offending branch so all the other DCs could see his crime first hand Hmm. I do not condone hurting trees of course but I think this was way OTT.

Also at hometime, DS2 was wrestling (not hurting each other, just laughing) with his friend on the school field while I and the friends mum were chatting. We were watching them when a teacher rushed up to them shouting 'How dare you play like that on school property - leave the premises at once'. I mean really shouting in full knowledge that we, the parents, were standing there and looking at us with daggers in front of all the other parents. It is pretty normal that the DCs have a run about in the playground/field for 10 mins after school so there were loads of other DCs/parents there.

Now is'nt this relatively typical behaviour of boys or are my DSs and the majority of their friends abonormal little thugs? I understand that schools need to keep control of the kids so that no one gets hurt but they are not all little robots. What the hell are they supposed to play - hopskotch?

AIBU to not take this particularly seriously?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 04/02/2011 21:08

Considering the school does not tolerate it, you really should not allow it to happen on school grounds, they have made themselves perfectly clear.

Don't do it.

Whilst it is unreaonsable on their part their property their rules.

RupertTheBear · 04/02/2011 21:10

Yes it is completely typical, but if it is against the school rules than your DS needs to comply with that. We ban all play fighting because it leads to injuries and fallings out, and any Y3 child who could not follow this rule would be in trouble and most likely have parents called in.

onimolap · 04/02/2011 21:10

The school is right to have a clear policy, and for teachers to enforce it on the premises.

You could seek either another school, or another outlet for his superfluous energy.

cantspel · 04/02/2011 21:12

simple answer is to take them to the park for half a hour after school where they can wrestle as much as they or you like.

tougholdbird · 04/02/2011 21:13

I would struggle to take this seriously too. Boys like to wrestle each other, seemingly, and I think it's OTT of the school to ban any 'rough play'.

It is almost certainly fear of litigation driving this though. My DS school banned any play on field after school hours for just this reason, although it took me a while to get them to admit that was why they had done it.

scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 21:14

You cannot see what is play and what is bullying.

If kids want to kick shit out of each other then get them involved in rugby or something similar. You would be the first to complain if your child needed stitches from a wrestling game. Keep it for home or a sports club.

babybarrister · 04/02/2011 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 04/02/2011 21:15

I don't know if it IS typical. I know that some boys like it...and some don't. I would assume it's about half and half....like not all girls like prams and dolls etc.

I'm not being provocative....Ive just seen a lot of lads and girls who differed from the percieed "Normal" habits of play.

scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 21:16

I have a boy and he plays rugby for that very reason.

RupertTheBear · 04/02/2011 21:17

I have a DS. It's about following rules.

cantspel · 04/02/2011 21:17

i have 2 boys now nearly 13 and nearly 15

Both completly different from each other but neither has enjoyed beating the crap out of each other games.

Littlefish · 04/02/2011 21:17

I have seen numerous incidents of "play fighting" turn into something more serious when a pretend kick has made contact etc. Younger children copy the behaviour of older children, and play fighting really doesn't have a place in the school playground.

Pictish · 04/02/2011 21:18

Hmmmm Hmm

My oldest son who is 9 pretty much hates wrestling, rugby tackles and rough and tumble, and doesn't enjoy having it forced upon him in play or otherwise.
Normal to some, a pain in the arse to others.

My son's every inch the little boy, and likes to participate in all playground games, but he'd not thank your son for dashing him to the ground for fun.

tougholdbird · 04/02/2011 21:19

I have a DS. For him wrestling (rather than kicking shit out of each other Hmm
seems to be part of bonding with his mates. He would hate rugby.

MadamDeathstare · 04/02/2011 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LetBoysBeBoys · 04/02/2011 21:20

scurryfunge - what rubbish. Of course it can easily be seen if it's bullying. The child would say so for a start.

No matter what I say to my DS, when a load of 7/8/9 yr old boys are released into a playing field after being cooped up in lessons, they are going to go a bit wild.

I am quite clear that this is all because some precious parents have complained about their little Billy getting a graze or a bruise.

No I would not be the first to complain if my child got hurt whilst playing at all, it's all part of boyhood IMHO.

OP posts:
Eglu · 04/02/2011 21:21

I agree that not all boys are like this, and that iti s difficult for the school to tell the difference in a playground situation. Schools have rules and this is aperfectly acceptable rule to me.

Original poster
LetBoysBeBoys · 04/02/2011 21:21

Err, no the don't kick the shit out of each other. That would be bullying Hmm.

OP posts:
Pictish · 04/02/2011 21:22

I think some of the mothers here may have their mummy goggles on... Wink

bb99 · 04/02/2011 21:23

Agree it's normal behaviour for boys, having a young hooligan in the house myself Grin

But as a former teacher, schools have to have a much lower tolerance than parents for this sort of thing.

  1. SOME parents would get upset if their little poppit got hurt, or bruised, or a black eye etc even if they were very willing participants.

  2. Some parents would get upset if clothing or glasses etc got damaged.

  3. Not all children like rough play and do tend to get run over by kids who are being rough

  4. If you accept rough play on the playground, how do you draw a line in the classroom or the sports field (rugby asside Wink)? It sends out confusing messages.

5)Younger children will copy the rough play, but not have the same kind of understanding of limits and body control of older ones, so will generally get hurt/hurt someone.

  1. Some children are incapeable of exerting limits on their rough play, so unlike your boy, could wind up hurting someone.

  2. If it's a school rule, it's a school rule. We can't just pick and choose which ones should apply to our DCs

Much easier to manage a blanket ban on rough play, plus it teaches the chilren that some forms of behaviour are appropriate in different situations. Rough housing OK at home, not OK at the office Smile...

We used to get tree climbing ishoos at the end of school when the parents were having chats. Had to get the little angels out of the trees incase they broke themselves, despite knowing they probably did much more dangerous things (as well they should, to learn how to manage risks) outside of school. As a school institution, we couldn't take the risk of allowing a child to damage themselve on our property - even tho the parents were there...probably the same ishoo with the rough play.

The parents used to take the DCs to the local park where they could climb, fight and play as roughly as they could and it wasn't any longer a prob. for the school IYSWIM. Any parks near the school?

Maybe have a chat with DC about WHEN it's OK to play rough and who does / doesn't mind??

cantspel · 04/02/2011 21:24

my older lad hates all sport but the younger one loves all sport apart from rugby and cricket.

he also had his elbow broken needing 2 operations to correct it and a life long scar running half way up his arm as when he was 6 another child thought it would be fun for some rough play in the school playground.

jonicomelately · 04/02/2011 21:25

I have boys. They are, even if I do say so myself, absolute gentlemen. They've never hurt anybody at school etc and I've never had a moment's trouble with them. Honestly.

However......put them on a sports field (rugby especially) and they are total thugs very physical. They need an outlet whether it's 'controlled' wrestling (if there is such a thing) with dad or some kind of sport. Obviously there are exceptions but this has been my experience. Hth Smile

Panzee · 04/02/2011 21:26

In our school we don't have play fighting. It can easily get out of hand and we can't always tell what's play and what is real.

There are lots of things that your children probably do at home/ in the park that the school won't allow - this is just another.

scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 21:27

Your perception is that they are having fun and everyone is complicit in this. The fact is you do not know for sure.

Not all boys want to do this and some are coerced into thinking violence is natural ('cos you are a boy, innit?).

If a school doesn't want to risk injuries and complaints about bullying then it is perfectly natural to prevent opportunities for it.

If your child wants to engage in this sort of play then channel their energy into something more productive, like a sports club.

Original poster
LetBoysBeBoys · 04/02/2011 21:27

The issue with the tree was not that my DS was in the tree, he was not. He swung on a branch and it broke. I got a long lecture on how I should be teaching my DS about respect for trees and the environment.

OP posts: