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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that play 'fighting' is normal behaviour for young boys?

163 replies

LetBoysBeBoys · 04/02/2011 21:05

Had to have a meeting with the school this week regarding DS2 (yr3) being involved in 'rough play' which basically involved a group of boys being in a rugby like scrum with general pushing and wrestling. The school policy is now that any type of 'rough play' will not be tolerated.

Now I will not tolerate bullying at all and if either of my DSs were involved in anything like that, they would be in big trouble, but this is nothing like that at all. The teacher also is very clear that this is not that at all and all involved are willing participants Grin.

DS1 has been disciplined in the past for breaking a branch off one of the many trees surrounding the playing field while swinging from it. His teacher rang me at home to notify me of it and kept the branch to show me at pick up time. He was also taken round all his year group class rooms with the offending branch so all the other DCs could see his crime first hand Hmm. I do not condone hurting trees of course but I think this was way OTT.

Also at hometime, DS2 was wrestling (not hurting each other, just laughing) with his friend on the school field while I and the friends mum were chatting. We were watching them when a teacher rushed up to them shouting 'How dare you play like that on school property - leave the premises at once'. I mean really shouting in full knowledge that we, the parents, were standing there and looking at us with daggers in front of all the other parents. It is pretty normal that the DCs have a run about in the playground/field for 10 mins after school so there were loads of other DCs/parents there.

Now is'nt this relatively typical behaviour of boys or are my DSs and the majority of their friends abonormal little thugs? I understand that schools need to keep control of the kids so that no one gets hurt but they are not all little robots. What the hell are they supposed to play - hopskotch?

AIBU to not take this particularly seriously?

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 22:39

I think LBBB has quite rightly realised she has been a bit of an eejit with her comments and has decided to "take the ball home cos it's hers". Grin

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 22:40

Agree with you to onetoomany - well-put

mutznutz · 04/02/2011 22:40

The insult came from the OP...who inferred that if a child plays a musical instrument or likes knitting..they are not a 'real' boy (whatever that means)

Sassybeast · 04/02/2011 22:41

I feel sorry for the head and teachers at the school, I feel sorry for the gentle and non aggressive children who get caught in the cross fire and I feel sorry for your son who , unless you change your attitude, is potentially heading for trouble because he is not being taught about boundaries and respecting other people in a physical sense.

Onetoomanycornettos · 04/02/2011 22:41

And all this 'testosterone', really? Aged 7? Do you think that's what's driving your boys behaviour, or the cultural expectation that you have that 'real' boys are like this (and boys who aren't like this are wussy). It's precisely when the testosterone surges in the teenage years that you need them to exhibit more self-control, otherwise play-fighting can get extremely nasty.

Nellykats · 04/02/2011 22:41

'I for one prefer to have 'real' boys than the other sort'

Biscuit

So who are the non-real boys? the ones that don't like your sons roughing them around? is it the small boys perhaps? or are you being a little bit homophobic?

The very term "let boys be boys" is a bit Neanderthal/Jeremy Clarkson for my taste... Something tells me you also like to use the term "this is political correctness gone maaaaaad"

ohnoherewego · 04/02/2011 22:42

Physical play is not necessarily rough. The physical play like wrestling that a lot of boys do is an important part of their development;it's called bundling. To call all physical play rough is mad. At DS's school they have now banned running and tag on the playground after someone fell and broke their nose. I despair I really do.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/02/2011 22:42

It's a shame that this thread can't be useful, and that people are taking it personally.

DS is very 'sensitive' and hates people touching him/being near him (again, he's only 3 but soft play is a nightmare for him)

I wish he was more tactile, more 'rough house' like his friends.. in a way. Who knows how he will turn out. He's a gorgeous little boy, very sweet and beautiful (at the moment) I'm sure when he hits school it'll all be about Ben 10 and Aliens and space wars..

scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 22:42

Exactly, onetoomany....it is an excuse, nothing else.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/02/2011 22:43

before anybody accuses me of being a horrible Mother, I love DS, and I love him how he is. I just wish he was more confident as I see how badly he does in situations with other boys.

MoldyWarp · 04/02/2011 22:44

"I for one prefer to have 'real' boys than the other sort."
UGHHHHHHHHHHH

I have five 'real' boys who do not fight - bloody lovely things

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 22:45

Jareth - my DS1 has got more "robust" for want of a better word as he's got older (he's 10 now), but he's not all that fast/athletic and has had to endure a lot of unwanted roughness (and teasing). I think having a younger brother who is more ruffty-tuffty has been quite helpful for him

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/02/2011 22:46

yes, boys have testosterone..

it's less than teenage years and beyond (obviously) but it does make a difference. It's not an excuse, it's a difference.

scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 22:46

Why should aggression equal confidence though, Jareth?

Children are capable of being considerate towards others and should be encouraged to do so. Just because someone expects your son to get what he wants through violence it doesn't mean he is a more valid male.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/02/2011 22:46

Thanks Jamie.. I was beginning to think I was in the minority :)

cantspel · 04/02/2011 22:47

my youngest is very physical but that doesn't mean he wants to wrestle and scrum his mates.
he finds it hard to sit still for more than 5 minutes but he uses up his access energy with more appropriate things like junior gym, football, basketball and other sports.

How would you feel if my son kicked out at your lad as he didn't want him jumping all over him?

DoingTheBestICan · 04/02/2011 22:47

One of the little boys in ds' class at reception goes to martial arts classes,he then comes into school punching & kicking all & sundry.

I went in this week to help out & witnessed him punching another little boy in the face repeatedly.

During rough play a few weeks back my own ds was pinned down by 2 boys & another tried to strangle him,then another boy in the same afternoon was stamped on by a little girl in his class.

Rough play is now banned & i agree with that,there are other ways to blow off steam.

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 22:48

Jareth - realised my post above is a bit negative - I do think it depends on the cohort of children they are with. The main thing is to make them feeL brilliant about who they are and what they are good at.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/02/2011 22:48

scurry, I didn't say anywhere that agression equals confidence! DS doesn't feel able to stand up for himself though (I don't know why) when there are more boisterous kids around.

NOWHERE did I say that he should be aggressive. Stop misinterpreting me please.

Sassybeast · 04/02/2011 22:48

Jareth - my lovely nephew is now 13 and was/is exactly the same as your son. he has a wide array of friends, a hectic social life and is a popular and happy teenager. It is an absolute myth that boys NEED to hurt each other in order to develop into fully functioning adults. Your boy sounds brilliant Smile

Onetoomanycornettos · 04/02/2011 22:51

Ohno, I agree with you, physical play is incredibly important- children should be climbing, running, jumping, balancing, playing physical games much more and learning through physical play. 'It' seems as popular as ever in my dds' school and it tires them out-brilliant!

But, you can have all of that without wrestling or play-fighting.

I think back to the sheer amount of physical bulling that took place at my comp and feel ill. Younger or 'different' children were jumped on regularly and beaten up, punched, kicked, and so and because everyone except them was laughing, nothing was ever done as the boys were 'just being boys' (the girls were quite rought too!)

If bundling is such a key developmental stage (and why is it not for my girls), they can bundle away at home, bundle their friends, bundle in the park. They can stop bundling my girls at school for a start.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/02/2011 22:51

Thats Sassy.. ,that's reassuring. I'm NOT saying that DS needs to hurt other kids.. just that he needs to not be upset by it and be able to stand up for himself. Obviously at his age I can't expect much, but he's not a confident boy (despite my best efforts)

scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 22:52

Ok, assertiveness should not mean aggression.

Your child can be assertive without resorting to violence. Other children should be taught that you are not a better person for being violent.
It just teaches boys that violence is ok.

I am not misinterpreting you, just stating that violence has no place in school and assertive behaviour can be taught without the need to grind someone else into the dirt.

MoldyWarp · 04/02/2011 22:52

Jareth - my ds1 (18) was a real shrinking violet for years - quiet and meek. NEVER played footie etc at primary and was a bit odd tended to mix with the odd-bods a bit. secondary school he did gain confidence but still quiet - rugby kit GLISTENED after 5 years at grammar school. by sixth form he had really blossomed and was loud proud and popular. debating,acting elected deputy head boy in his all boys school ( by his peers)

Never been a testosterone ridden thing and at times i REALLY wished to see more of it - but really found his feet amongst boys as he matured

I am really proud that he found his feed despite never having seemed a boys boy!

BanalChelping · 04/02/2011 22:54

You're right there is a time and a place for wrestling and there is a certain level of behaviour to be expected during school hours. I just feel that it is unhelpful to lambast people whose sons are boisterous because it perpetuates the myth that they are nasty little cavemen whose mothers wish they had given birth to daughters.

As for swinging from trees - what did children do before they invented aesthetically-pleasing, environmentally-sustainable swings, slides and climbing frames?