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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that play 'fighting' is normal behaviour for young boys?

163 replies

LetBoysBeBoys · 04/02/2011 21:05

Had to have a meeting with the school this week regarding DS2 (yr3) being involved in 'rough play' which basically involved a group of boys being in a rugby like scrum with general pushing and wrestling. The school policy is now that any type of 'rough play' will not be tolerated.

Now I will not tolerate bullying at all and if either of my DSs were involved in anything like that, they would be in big trouble, but this is nothing like that at all. The teacher also is very clear that this is not that at all and all involved are willing participants Grin.

DS1 has been disciplined in the past for breaking a branch off one of the many trees surrounding the playing field while swinging from it. His teacher rang me at home to notify me of it and kept the branch to show me at pick up time. He was also taken round all his year group class rooms with the offending branch so all the other DCs could see his crime first hand Hmm. I do not condone hurting trees of course but I think this was way OTT.

Also at hometime, DS2 was wrestling (not hurting each other, just laughing) with his friend on the school field while I and the friends mum were chatting. We were watching them when a teacher rushed up to them shouting 'How dare you play like that on school property - leave the premises at once'. I mean really shouting in full knowledge that we, the parents, were standing there and looking at us with daggers in front of all the other parents. It is pretty normal that the DCs have a run about in the playground/field for 10 mins after school so there were loads of other DCs/parents there.

Now is'nt this relatively typical behaviour of boys or are my DSs and the majority of their friends abonormal little thugs? I understand that schools need to keep control of the kids so that no one gets hurt but they are not all little robots. What the hell are they supposed to play - hopskotch?

AIBU to not take this particularly seriously?

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 22:54

Jareth - your boy may have the kind of confidence you don't yet recognise:

eg: the confidence to do things differently to other people

the confidence to express his emotions

the confidence to not copy others

the confidence to wear brightly coloured clothes because he likes them

mutznutz · 04/02/2011 22:56

Can I just say..IMO there is nothing wrong with kids play fighting if all parties are willing.

My boys love it but they have to ask me first if they're allowed. If I'm going to be out of the room (cooking dinner or whatever) then I tell them no..because they don't know their own strength, it's all a learning curve and an adult needs to be there to constantly say things like "Ok, let him go now" or "Don't headbutt low...I want to be a grandmother one day"

For this reason, I would go mental if the school saw fit to allow them to wrestle at school without virtually one on one supervision.

ohnoherewego · 04/02/2011 22:56

Onetoomany but bundling isn't aggressive or bullying. If 2 or 3 or more boys are rolling on top of each other because they all want to then I think it's fine. Before DS I would have been horrified bit I think it's sad that boys aren't allowed to play like that.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/02/2011 22:58

scurry, you are misinterpreting me (sorry, but you are). I think I have phrased my posts carefully.

I don't accept that boys NEED to be violent, far from it. I DO believe that boys (especially) sometimes need an outlet. I've stopped taking DS to soft play (hurrah!) because he can't handle it. He's much better in the playground where he can see what's going on.

Jamie - I hope you're right. I'm worried that my own neuroses have inflicted themselves upon him. Confused

scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 23:02

Jareth, I am on your side Grin. Any child needs an outlet -it is not limited to boys. My point was that there are suitable times and places for it and school is not one of them.

GloriaSmut · 04/02/2011 23:03

I had two boys and my experience was that if not diverted into more productive exercise, they and their friends would readily engage in the sort of rough play that invariably resulted in someone getting hurt.

Now neither of my lads were "jessies" - both played competitive sport and I also encouraged a lot of outdoor play combined with regular, tiring-out sort of walks and bike rides - and I agree that there's a tendency for boys to opt for rough play but this is by no means an automatic expectation of all boys.

I can quite understand why schools discourage rough play - there are almost always painful consequences and it is very difficult to tell the difference between rough play and affray - but this discouragement doesn't mean that boys need to be are denied the chance to work their energy off.

If you know your school bars rough play then YABU to allow your children to indulge in it. But I do think that being made to trail around a school bearing a broken branch is a somewhat odd punishment and one that is more likely to breed resentment than it is to encourage an environmental conscience.

Onetoomanycornettos · 04/02/2011 23:03

Ohno, my girls roll around on each other and wrestle at home, I just don't want them (or others) to do it at school cos trying your strength against your sister or brother or good friend or dad who you know well is one thing (and usually a good thing), rolling around (which can easily turn into kicking, wrestling, holding someone down) on top of a smaller child, someone not that willing, someone intimidated, it just goes too far, too often.

Ask the dinner ladies in the schools that continue to allow rough/play-fighting and ask them what situations lead kids to cry or feel bullied, it will be bitchy girls and rough boys. I come down very hard on my girls if they are mean to others (mysteriously they know they mustn't play so rough at school, perhaps as they have gathered, there's no social currency in it for girls). I expect other parents to teach their children to curb their behaviour in the playground and to play rough/fight/bundle in other settings.

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 23:03

You sound like me Grin. He is himself - be wary of over-identifying because then all you see is the things you don't like about yourself. You cannot change fundamental aspects of his personality, but nor can you assume he won't change in the years to come all by himself. Big him up !

Have you read The Highly Sensitive Child ? - I'm not 100% convinced of the validity of the concept, but I do think that there are some helpful strategies.

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 23:04

Sorry - that was to Jareth

MoldyWarp · 04/02/2011 23:05

"jessies" ???

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/02/2011 23:06

Sorry, I think I'm just being overly sensitive. Blush

Suitable times and places, definitely. I think I mentioned above about a school that had a specific area for boys play fighting.

I understand it's not limited to boys. I hate to gender stereotype, but in some cases there is reason for it. There IS a difference. I am not being derogatory saying that, and it's not a bad thing... there's a huge difference between most boys and most girls.

thanks for not engaging, I was feeling stroppy earlier (why is DS do feeble about things :( )

GloriaSmut · 04/02/2011 23:09

"Jesssies"

The description was used some pages back in this topic. My repetition of it was, er, sardonic.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/02/2011 23:09

GloriaSmut 'Jessies'???? Hmm

Onetoomanycornettos · 04/02/2011 23:09

Is play-fighting not quite common between brothers and sisters too? I know a brother and sister combo who used to really really hurt each other, pull hair, bite to draw blood at junior age. They made me and my brother's minor wrestling match look like a doll's tea party.

mutznutz · 04/02/2011 23:10

Jareth are you sure the area is actually for 'play fighting' or is it for 'boisterous activity'?

I only ask because it's quite unusual for schools to encourage play fighting..due to injury claims..and because most schools now have a 'quiet' area in the playground and a 'boisterous' (for want of a better word) area too.

MoldyWarp · 04/02/2011 23:11

I think most of my boys ARE the 'jessies' to which you so sweetly refer.

But feisty happy self contained things

Don't fight though

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/02/2011 23:11

Jamie - thank you, thats a very good point. Defintely guilty of that Blush

I haven't read that book, no. Would you recommend it?

scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 23:11

Jareth, your DS is not feeble. Sensitivity and compassion is a strength.

My DS is a rugby playing rufty-tufty rugby playing, snowboarding 16 year old. He also cuddles his raggedy teddy bear at night and cries at Toy Story III.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/02/2011 23:12

mutz - it was a supervised area where children could play fight/be boys/whatever.

I wish I could find the program, but can't remember anything else about it.

Pictish · 04/02/2011 23:13

I used 'jessies' first.

I said "Being bulldozed by an overenthusiastic wannabe Hulk Hogan isn't actually that pleasant if you're not into that sort of thing.
You can't tell the teacher though, because that would make you a jessie. My son fights them off asap, then bodyswerves majorly, while glowering."

I was trying to think of a term that boys might use. I suspect the term these days is probably 'pussy' - but it seemed crass.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/02/2011 23:14

no, Iknow he's not feeble Scurry, thank you :)

I know he feels it sometimes (or is that me projecting)

GloriaSmut · 04/02/2011 23:15

Sake! It's not ME that calls boys "jessies"!!

I am merely the fuckwit who had failed to realise that my sarcastic repetition of the term would be taken seriously.

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 23:15

Jareth - think I would. Many many children are "sensitive" - I'd give it a read. I only read it recently but I think it would have helped when mine was 3 ish.

GloriaSmut · 04/02/2011 23:15

PS. Thank you Pictish!

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/02/2011 23:19

Jamie, link me? I have amazon vouchers..