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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that play 'fighting' is normal behaviour for young boys?

163 replies

LetBoysBeBoys · 04/02/2011 21:05

Had to have a meeting with the school this week regarding DS2 (yr3) being involved in 'rough play' which basically involved a group of boys being in a rugby like scrum with general pushing and wrestling. The school policy is now that any type of 'rough play' will not be tolerated.

Now I will not tolerate bullying at all and if either of my DSs were involved in anything like that, they would be in big trouble, but this is nothing like that at all. The teacher also is very clear that this is not that at all and all involved are willing participants .

DS1 has been disciplined in the past for breaking a branch off one of the many trees surrounding the playing field while swinging from it. His teacher rang me at home to notify me of it and kept the branch to show me at pick up time. He was also taken round all his year group class rooms with the offending branch so all the other DCs could see his crime first hand . I do not condone hurting trees of course but I think this was way OTT.

Also at hometime, DS2 was wrestling (not hurting each other, just laughing) with his friend on the school field while I and the friends mum were chatting. We were watching them when a teacher rushed up to them shouting 'How dare you play like that on school property - leave the premises at once'. I mean really shouting in full knowledge that we, the parents, were standing there and looking at us with daggers in front of all the other parents. It is pretty normal that the DCs have a run about in the playground/field for 10 mins after school so there were loads of other DCs/parents there.

Now is'nt this relatively typical behaviour of boys or are my DSs and the majority of their friends abonormal little thugs? I understand that schools need to keep control of the kids so that no one gets hurt but they are not all little robots. What the hell are they supposed to play - hopskotch?

AIBU to not take this particularly seriously?

OP posts:

BanalChelping · 04/02/2011 22:05

There is an enormous difference between bullying, kicking the shit out of each other, fighting and a bit of rough-housing. It's perfectly normal for children to indulge in a bit of rough-housing and swinging from trees.

Just as there's a "let girls be girls" campaign we should have one to let boys be boys.

cantspel · 04/02/2011 22:05

tougholdbird i dont believe it either but that is due to
the parents and still doesn't mean it should be allowed in school.

My younger lad is very sporty but still doesn't like rough housing. if someone jumped/wrestled him in play he would most probably kick out at them to get them off him. He would then be seen by the teachers and the childs parents as being aggressive. He is not but it wouldn't look that way.

mutznutz · 04/02/2011 22:07

Of course it is...just not at school I don't see what's so hard for the OP to understand here.

As for the trees, well they really should not be swung on considering there will be thousands of children going through that school over the years. There'll be nothing left of them if they're used as play equipment.

scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 22:10

Banal - the issue is when and where this sort of behaviour should take place. School is not one of those places.

donkeyderby · 04/02/2011 22:10

Send him to my DS's school. He and his friends launch into a major wrestling/Karate/Judo-style scrum at the end of the school day that can go on for an hour. No-one cares or attempts to stop them. They love it, they don't wrestle kids who don't want to be wrestled and they don't get hurt.

They hate sitting still in school all day and they live in town so don't have the wilderness they really need.

Pictish · 04/02/2011 22:12

Yes and let's have a let-boys-who-don't-want-to-be-pumelled-by-other-boys-be-boys campaign too.

tougholdbird · 04/02/2011 22:16

pictish but that's my point (which I'm clearly making badly . School should be about learning to live with others and respecting their wishes. And that wish might well be not to be wrestled.

Take away any chance of risk/conflict etc in these controlled conditions (playgournd, after school field) and vital life lessons may be missed.

scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 22:18

They are not controlled conditions though, tob.

tougholdbird · 04/02/2011 22:20

more controlled than outside school gates unsupervised when they go to secondary school, I would imagine.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/02/2011 22:21

Read about half the thread and all of the OP responses (just couldn't make it through it all)

I always thought boys needed to blow of steam in this way. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong (DS is only 3, so don't have to deal with post school pent-up madness just yet), but it just seems to make sense to me.

Original poster

LetBoysBeBoys · 04/02/2011 22:22

Pictish - My DS does not pummell anyone. As I said all are WILLING participants and I know who he plays with. They are not hitting or kicking. Why is there an assumption that boys are involved who don't want to be? You are trying to make it out to be nastiness or bullying when it's not.

Not all boys are gentle souls into playing the guitar and knitting. I for one prefer to have 'real' boys than the other sort.

OP posts:

Pictish · 04/02/2011 22:22

As I said - I'm actually not that precious about it at all....while I don't think being wrestled is necessarily a vital life lesson, I do agree, to a certain extent, that life is about taking the rough with the smooth...I don't get up in arms about this, really I do not.

I'm just asking the mums of the rough players to consider that they don't see half of what goes on, and that some kids may not enjoy the boisterous advances of their sons.
I think that's reasonable.

mutznutz · 04/02/2011 22:24

Yes boys need to blow off steam..just not in this particular way whilst at school.

If they want to blow off steam, let them run around the playground...then pummel the crap out of each other at home...where there's no-one elses child involved and where the parents can't sue the bollocks off the supervisors for any injury.

Pictish · 04/02/2011 22:24

LBBB - I'm sorry, but you cannot rightly make that claim, for you simply are not there when it happens. Don't be silly.

scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 22:25

It is not a gender thing really Jareth. It is about appropriate behaviour. To say boys need to be violent is not really fair

WimpleOfTheBallet · 04/02/2011 22:25

We all know why this thread has got a bit snappy...because we've all SEEN a certain type of boy who delights in chucking his weight about in the name of "Play fighting"

There's a certain type of girl who does a female version of this...it's less obvious sadly.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 04/02/2011 22:26

And I am NOT saying the OPS son is that type of boy...but play fights in school are a lisence to that type to be mean and bully others.

mutznutz · 04/02/2011 22:27

OP I'm sure they are all WILLING. I understand that...but can YOU not understand that the school just doesn't have enough staff to supervise every play fight and 'scrum' in the playground and field?

You have to remember they are on school premises and that's their rule.

If they were at a friend's house and the parent banned rough and tumble, would you say that was unreasonable too? Or would you say it's their premises so their rules?

Pictish · 04/02/2011 22:27

"I for one prefer to have 'real' boys than the other sort."

You have a brain the size of a pea.

Original poster

LetBoysBeBoys · 04/02/2011 22:27

Oh believe me, I would know if that was not the case - from the other parents.

So in your opinion all rough play is bullying? Do you actually have any boys in this age group to actually know what you are talking about?

OP posts:

Sassybeast · 04/02/2011 22:28

'I for one prefer to have 'real' boys than the other sort'

What on earth does that mean ? 'the other sort' ?

You truly believe that the school went to the trouble of calling you in to talk about something that hasn't been rasied as an issue by staff, pupils or parents ? How many other parents have been spoken to ? How do you know that all children are willing participants ?

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 22:28

I've got two boys as well - one of whom likes wrestling more than the other (who had been on the receiving end of rough play that was probably not malicious, but was unwelcome and made him miserable)

I totally agree with conkersdropped

scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 22:29

"I for one prefer to have 'real' boys than the other sort."

That is the comment that has sealed it for me.

Let Rapists Be Rapists, eh? FW.

Original poster

LetBoysBeBoys · 04/02/2011 22:29

Uncalled for personal insults - looks like you belong in the playground.

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 22:30

LetBoys - mine are 7 and 10, so yes I do. There are certain of their friends who simply are not able (yet) to moderate themselves, and other boys (sometimes smaller) do get hurt.

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