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AIBU?

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Original poster

My childs future Godparent groped me

280 replies

Changedhername · 04/02/2011 16:23

To cut a very long story short me and OH have a friend who is in his seventies and last year lost his wife.
Me and OH are alot younger then our 'friend' and we let him spend Easter/Xmas etc with us as he told us how lonely and bored and sad he was.
We even asked him to be Godfather to my youngest(DS 2 aged 7m).My eldest(DS 1 age 2.5)loves our friend as he acts like the lovely grandad.
Anyway over the months he has been coming around during the daytime while OH is at work and I would make him lunch etc and he would play with DC..
Around two weeks ago he asked me what it felt like to have such a big bust and after that he grabbed my breasts and fondled me.
I grabbed his hand and told him he should not touch me in that way ever again and how dare he do that etc.
He then started shouting at me 'how dare you hurt my feelings and push my hands away..you horrible person'!
Anyway I've told OH that he gives me the creeps and he got 'touchy feely' and that's why I've ignored him recently.
I just admitted to OH that he touched my breasts and OH said 'are you sure you didn't ask for it'?
OH says he blames me!Maybe I shouldn't have been so nice and asked him aroundConfused
Oh and to top it off said 'friend' is calling my house number and mobile everyday(10 to 20 times)and in the last 2 weeks he turned up at my house staring at me through the window and wouldn't go away.
I feel like I shouldn't have been so friendly with him-he now thinks he owns me.
I don't think he's a bad person he's just obsessed with me.
We live close and go to the same places.He's left me voice messages saying 'have you got a problem'? etc..
Don't know how to handle this situation.
Thanks for reading
(I've been here a while but name changed)Smile

OP posts:
Chandon · 04/02/2011 16:46

cut him out of your life. MOW.

Tell hem he has gone too far, you cannot consider him a friend any longer.

Emmanana · 04/02/2011 16:47

He has worked out exactly where your sensitive points are, and he is playing on them. He is taking major advantage of your kind and caring nature.
I'm such a walkover
See, he has even got you speaking about yourself in a negative manner.
He's a manipulative slimey tosser, and if he tries to makes you feel bad about yourself, then that's his way of transferring his guilt onto you.

ratspeaker · 04/02/2011 16:52

I'm shocked at your OH reaction

As for the older guy I think it may be a sign of dementia, he seeems not to understand why you would object to being groped, my sister had a neighbour like that, he'd ask her in to help with a problem then make a pass and get really angry at being rejected. It made her very afraid to be near him. Turns out he had Alzheimers, it can be part of the condition but no one wants to be subjected to sexual assault and certainly the person assaulted shouldnt be made to feel responsible

You do need to tell the old guy there is a problem with his behaviour
You need to tell OH there is a problem with HIS behaviour
And let them both know you will not be put in the position of ever being alone with the old guy- EVER

ratspeaker · 04/02/2011 16:53

Oh and find another godparent

TheVisitor · 04/02/2011 16:53

Time to get rid and not be a victim to his manipulative shit. You owe him nothing and he could actually be prosecuted for his behaviour.

Original poster
Changedhername · 04/02/2011 16:55

Thankyou Emmanana..OH made me think it was all me and this friend also said it was me being weird!
Thankyou everyone for making me know this is not 'normal'!
Just don't know whether I should call this guy or get OH to call him or ignore him or write to him??He won't leave me alone.
I feel like there must be a way of sorting all of this without getting the police involved...

OP posts:
Honeybee79 · 04/02/2011 16:56

Shock. No one asks to be assaulted. Your DH's response was awful.

Have no further contact with the bloke in question and give your OH a serious bollocking for being a twat.

TheVisitor · 04/02/2011 16:59

Tell your OH to have a word. You have no further contact with him. Don't answer the phone or the door and keep a diary of the harrassment.

AMumInScotland · 04/02/2011 17:01

I think the important thing is to make your OH understand - you've been trying to be nice to a lonely old guy, and he's twisted that round and tried to make something of it that was never there. You weren't "asking for it" by trying to be nice and kind.

ZillionChocolate · 04/02/2011 17:06

Who would ask to be groped by a 70 year old? I would never see him again, but I'd tell him why you're cutting him off.

If that's the esteem in which your partner holds you, I'd be asking yourself some serious questions about your relationship.

Emmanana · 04/02/2011 17:09

Don't contact him yourself, as he has already worked out how to make you feel guilty.
Ignore him, make records of when he calls, and if he stands and looks in your window, then call the police. You have a right to feel safe and unthreatened in your home. Don't warn him you are going to do it, or use it as a threat, DO IT.
He is an adult, and he knows what he is doing is wrong, and must face the consequences. If there is the remote chance that his behaviour is due to some senile mental disorder, (I doubt it, as he has the mental wit to try and make you feel guilty, and doesn't behave as such when your OH is around) then he needs medical help.
If he thinks it is acceptable to act like this, then who is to say he won't approach a well-developed schoolgirl, feeling a little vunerable about herself, on a bus etc who thinks she's chatty to a old man. He either needs a shock, by way of visit from the police, or help from his GP.
Don't think for one minute you're wasting police time. He needs to be brought up short.

hairyfairylights · 04/02/2011 17:10

Your OH asked you if you'd asked for it?? Shock Jeeesus, ditch the old guy, and ditch your OH!!

QOD · 04/02/2011 17:13

I've been in thisd position - befirended new girl at work, felt sorry for her, she was lonely.
Turned out she was bipolar and had no friends because ultimately they all turned on her
Turned out she was bisexual. Yeah I turned on her eventuially - when she kept groping me.
Yet I felt partly to blame! I invited her into my life.....

jonicomelately · 04/02/2011 17:16

There are loads of these weird threads atm.

I am a bit suspect tbh.

AllSheepareWhite · 04/02/2011 17:18

Tell your DH in no uncertain terms that this man is not welcome in your home and you do not want him around you. If he can't believe and support you as his wife he does not deserve you and you should ditch him. He should never be a godparent to your child as he clearly has no understanding of decency or respect for you. I got groped by an 80 year old I cleaned for as a Saturday job when I was 15 and never ever went back there, just because they are old does not excuse their behaviour, what a dirty old man!

valiumredhead · 04/02/2011 17:20

No more contact. If he turns up peering through your windows call the police.

Hullygully · 04/02/2011 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Original poster
Changedhername · 04/02/2011 17:26

Jonicomelately-I wish this was a joke!Far too busy with 2 DC to make this up!!

QOD-Thanks for feedback.Yes that's exactly how I feel..I was too friendly.That doesn't mean he can put his hand down my top(of course not!!)but I let him link arms with me when we walked down the road with my DC.
I thought he was like an innocent old bereaved man.And because I'm too soft I didn't stick up for myself when he said suggestive things so maybe he thought it was okay to cross the line(?)

Thankyou Emmanana-I will take that on board.I feel like you know the situation inside out(like how you mentioned he doesn't act this way infront of OH etc)and you're right I will not contact him.Just don't know how OH will deal with this.He's one extreme to another!

OP posts:
catinthehat2 · 04/02/2011 17:31

"I'm such a walkover and I know that.He used to make me feel sorry for him about his wife passing etc"

I bet he's done this all his life, he sounds practised.

He will do it to any young daughters/nieces/females in your house as long as you permit this to go on.

ImFab · 04/02/2011 17:34

I would find it very hard to be with my husband if he said anything like that to me.

This man should not be anywhere near any of you. The sound of him makes my skin crawl.

Emmanana · 04/02/2011 17:41

It's not a case of not sticking up for yourself. You have stuck up for yourself by coming on here and asking us lot for advice. And with the exception of a couple of cynics, I hope we've shown that we think your point of view and stance on this situation is absolutely valid. I bet he started off with just mild flirting, and then got worse as he tested the water further and got more and more lewd. You sound like a considerate person who was brought up to give benefit of the doubt and be polite to others, and did not want to cause any bad feeling or an uncomfortable atmosphere. He has latched onto that and used it to his advantage. You do not need to change your ways. There should be more like you in this world.
If you have to call the Police when OH is at work, or out, then so be it.
I hope you realise you have the support of everyone who have taken time to post a reply to you.

Original poster
Changedhername · 04/02/2011 17:42

Catinthehat-He told me he had 3 affairs while being with his wife(of 40 something years)2 of the affairs lasting 2/3 years and 1 lasting 7 years with a fairly famous actress(he supplied cars to film sets and was a driver for film stars)
He loves to show off about people he knew in the sixties.He also says how powerful he is/was with the underworld of the Eastend and how he knows dangerous people.
Don't want to get on the wrong side side of someone like him..

OP posts:
Ladyofthehousespeaking · 04/02/2011 17:50

Don't be frightened of him. He has said aaaaaall of these things to make you worry about telling him 'no'

  • he has tried to groom you- look at how perverts talk to children- make themselves look important and dangerous and like you're lucky to have them in your life.

Enough is enough OP.

He is not a scary person. He is a dirty old man who abuses women. He is a coward and a creep.

Original poster
Changedhername · 04/02/2011 17:50

Hullygully-why the nastiness??

OP posts:
Ladyofthehousespeaking · 04/02/2011 17:51

And btw- people who saythey have 'connections' never ever do, people who do never talk about it.