Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why people spend a fortune on their wedding?

260 replies

iJudge · 03/02/2011 10:05

I know it's their money and they can spend it how they want but AIBU to wonder why spend all that on just ONE day of your life?

My friend is getting married in about 8 weeks. She has spent a year visiting wedding fairs, getting dress fittings, pondering over table decorations, favours etc.

The money it is costing has quickly risen and they have had little help from parents yet are putting on quite a show.

I don't understand this. They both want to buy somewhere to live as they are renting atm, she wants children soon after the wedding and also wants to finish her teacher training. All of which they cannot afford at present.

Yet they have spent what I consider a small fortune on what is essentially just one day of their life.

AIBU to wonder why?

OP posts:
confuddledDOTcom · 03/02/2011 14:47

Mickey, you both need to be registered to get married, so who did you forget to register?

rubyrubyruby · 03/02/2011 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorkyButNice · 03/02/2011 14:59

We spent a fortune on our wedding. So YABVU!

I wanted the perfect country house wedding with just my friends and family around so we paid out for all the rooms and food and drink for the whole weekend as people travelled from all over the country.

Extravagant, yes. But it meant everyone could come and we could catch up properly (we were living overseas at the time).

I don't get the "my wedding was cheaper than yours" battle on MN.

meantosay · 03/02/2011 15:09

I suppose some people, and I have to say I'm one of them, prefer really simple less formulaic weddings and I really enjoyed reading about those on a recent thread I started. It doesn't mean that I don't realise that some people love the bigger, posher weddings, but they're just not my thing at all. Its not oneupmanship, just stating a preference.

confuddledDOTcom · 03/02/2011 15:14

YANBU to wonder anything, it's your brain and you're free to use it to think what you want. However people have different tastes and ideas and if they want to arrange their wedding their way they're perfectly entitled to.

We had an idea of something totally different (not going into it here because it'll derail the thread people like to pass judgement on my day and not for the cost) we set a budget, which was quite a random figure really, not done with looking at our finances although we knew we would save everything and not rely on anyone else or loans. Our plan fell into place and we've found something that is totally amazing.

We are paying for key people to stay over for two nights B&B and we've managed to sweet talk a discount on the rooms but we're not so far away that people can't go home (his niece is saying she's going home as it will be £20 in a taxi). We're providing lunch before the wedding (with drinks) a drinks reception at the wedding venue followed by a short walk to the reception venue where we have another drinks reception and canapes. Afterwards we have a three course evening meal with drinks and entertainment. Afterwards at the hotel we have drinks and biscuits and around 11pm if anyone still wants to drink for the first time that day they can buy them themselves.

We've arranged to rock the frock the following day so that we can spend time with the guests and we've arranged for entertainment throughout the day as well as lots of surprises.

Our budget has gone up though because I found out I was pregnant and due around the wedding, but it's also given us more time to save and we'll have more than inflation/ VAT.

We're not going without or putting ourselves into debt, we're not spending anywhere near as it sounds like. We don't have a gift list and we're close enough for people to go home or they can stay in the B&B we negotiated cheap rates with if they get too sloshed on all the free booze.

No one is under any obligation to come if they don't like how much (they think) we've spent or they think they won't enjoy it. We'll still have a lovely day without judgey people who can keep their opinions to themselves.

vintageteacups · 03/02/2011 15:17

YANBU - I regret spending a lot on my rather grand wedding but now, I just wish we had invited our best friends and close fmaily for a lovely meal in a private restaurant.

However.......hindsight is a wonderful thing. If someone had told me that when I was planning my 'big day', I'd have thought what a lot of rubbish - of course I want a big wedding.

Priorities change as you get older and wiser Wink

butterpieify · 03/02/2011 15:28

rubyrubyruby- I'm sure you don't think about your window frames, car and oven. I'm sure you would think about them a lot if you were freezing cold, the car had broken and you were having microwave beans on toast AGAIN.

Not thinking about the things you have and haven't got is a massive luxury.

We spent a medium amount (about £1000 in total, including help from family) but I would rather look at my wedding album of pictures taken by friends sat on my lovely warm settee and in my house where I haven't missed the rent.

Each to their own, but don't forget that most people need to think about paying for boring possessions. It doesn't mean we don't value nice memories, it just means that nice memories don't keep you warm in winter.

The only thing I regret about my wedding was the cost and all the faffing about. It was far too much, and the best bit was when we went to the pub anyway Grin

If I ever had cause to marry again (I hope I never do) I would wear a nice but normal outfit, £110 to the register office, out for tapas, bobs your uncle. (Or your husband, I suppose)

mummyosaurus · 03/02/2011 15:28

YANBU I sometimes wonder if there is a competitive element to weddings. My BIL got married last year and it just happens that most of his friends are getting married soon, or got married recently, so the pressure was on to "match" or improve on the other weddings. Even a little bit of bitching among the guests about the hotel chosen.

They could not afford it, want children soon and rent. £500 spent on chair covers WTF? DH and I spent about £4k all in, plus the honeymoon, but from our savings and family, and we already had a house.

We had the reception in a hall, but had a magician to entertain and a free bar. We had a fab time, but it was a long way from a flash hotel wedding.

It is just one day and I just can't help thinking going into debt for it is just silly. But, I also realise it's actually none of my business.

higgle · 03/02/2011 15:30

Most of the people I have known over the years who had very expensive weddings quickly moved on to having very expensive divorces. Preoccupation with the wedding day can indicate little thought has been given to the years to follow.

TrillianAstra · 03/02/2011 15:44

There is no virtue in having a small wedding.

No vice in having a big wedding.

No need to attend a wedding if you don't want to do so.

Get over it.

TrillianAstra · 03/02/2011 15:47

(and I agree with LeQueen's post of 14:12:18)

meantosay · 03/02/2011 15:57

There is something irresponsible about getting yourself into heavy debt to pay for an unneccessarily fancy wedding.

Of course there's no 'virtue' about having a simple wedding but it does show an awareness that spending money you don't have on a big posh wedding and then spending years paying it back is very silly.

halfcaff · 03/02/2011 15:57

I think some people (including me!) get an enormous thrill out of getting bargains and having a fabulous time on the cheap. You know like Gok's high street versus haute couture competition, 'vintage' gorgeous stuff from charity shops, etc. That explains to some extent why there is this 'contest'. I won't bore you with the details of my own super-cheap wedding, but we had 80 people for lunch, around the same number for a fantastic evening party, in an amazing country house, so it wasn't small or crap.
Some people want a small wedding for other reasons, and are probably also glad of saving the money for other purposes.
It's better than bragging about how much you spent, isn't it?

Shodan · 03/02/2011 16:10

I don't think there's anything wrong with spending wads on your wedding, if that's what you want- so long as you're not going hands out for help towards the cost (and that includes going into debt). It doesn't guarantee a great day, as a friend of mine complained after spending indiscriminately on her first wedding.

I don't really understand the 'thing' a lot of women seem to have about needing a designer dress (and telling you ad nauseam that the dress they're wearing is by SuchandSuch Poncey McDesigner) but that's because a) I can do dressmaking and know good stitching from bad and b) am not greatly into clothes and 'style'. (Would be fair to say I have zero style, I think Grin ).

A honeymoon, on the other hand... we spent a lot on ours and have never regretted it. So many beautiful memories of that( and no debt)

MrsSparkle · 03/02/2011 16:14

We had to pay £353.00 for our registrar

confuddledDOTcom · 03/02/2011 16:15

"Of course there's no 'virtue' about having a simple wedding but it does show an awareness that spending money you don't have on a big posh wedding and then spending years paying it back is very silly."

How do you know that wedding you're at is going to take the couple years to pay back? We're paying for ours on our own before the wedding, anyone thinking that about ours would be wrong and judgemental.

butterpieify · 03/02/2011 16:18

MrsSparkle - where on earth was that? We paid £60-odd to register that we wanted to get married, waited a couple of weeks then went back and paid about £40-odd to get married.

They offered us music, a long service, readings, etc, but we refused and the basic thing takes ten minutes. There is a bit to start with when they speak with you to check it is all fine (ie you aren't being forced) and I breastfed DD2 during that, and DD1 held our hands for the "I do" bit :o

Shodan · 03/02/2011 16:21

Actually I will admit that I wish I'd spent a bit more on my wedding dress - I let my mother make it and she a) cut the material the wrong way (it had a self-coloured sort of faint grin pattern) and b) cut it too short so it hovered around my ankles. She blames me for buying shoes that were too high (bought well before the dressmaking and always worn during fittings) AND she nagged at me for daring to embroider and bead it. I still wouldn't have gone above a couple of hundred for it though.

Shodan · 03/02/2011 16:21

Tee hee. A faint grain pattern, not grin.

mummyosaurus · 03/02/2011 16:35

If it's a family wedding you usually know the finances, I certainly did as MIL filled me in on BILs wedding.

abenstille · 03/02/2011 16:41

meantosay - could you provide a link to the thread you started. Always liked the idea of cheaper, less traditional weddings..

meantosay · 03/02/2011 16:46

Abens

I can't do links but if you go back to pg 7 it's called 'to wonder what people's weddings are like'

expatinscotland · 03/02/2011 16:49

YANBU.

What always makes me raise an eyebrow is these people who have kids and say, 'Oh, we can't afford to get married.'

Really? It costs about £100.

confuddledDOTcom · 03/02/2011 16:53

No one knows my budget although I'm pretty sure his family will think we paid for it out of his inheritance. We're not even telling parents. Why should we tell people who aren't contributing what it cost?

InnocentRedhead · 03/02/2011 17:02

YANBU AT ALL! It is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on one day. To me marriage and the ceremony is all about the two people at the front of the room, professing their love and that they want to spend the rest of theif lives with each other.

On a more personal note, me and DP who have recently - very recently got engaged are planning our wedding. We are having a very small ceremony at Gretna Green with me in a simple wedding dress (found the perfect one for 160 on ebay - perfect fit too), not too expensive rings i wouldnt trus myself with anythign too flash, and very very few friends and family. Those that care, that love us. They are the people who do not care for us giving them a free bar, a free hotel room, free food. We are having a picnic (just me and DP/DH) afterwards, to capture the romance. They are the people who want to see us happy and commit ourselves to each other. The whole thing will cost less than 1000 and my parents are buying the honeymoon as a present.

BUT each to their own