Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why people spend a fortune on their wedding?

260 replies

iJudge · 03/02/2011 10:05

I know it's their money and they can spend it how they want but AIBU to wonder why spend all that on just ONE day of your life?

My friend is getting married in about 8 weeks. She has spent a year visiting wedding fairs, getting dress fittings, pondering over table decorations, favours etc.

The money it is costing has quickly risen and they have had little help from parents yet are putting on quite a show.

I don't understand this. They both want to buy somewhere to live as they are renting atm, she wants children soon after the wedding and also wants to finish her teacher training. All of which they cannot afford at present.

Yet they have spent what I consider a small fortune on what is essentially just one day of their life.

AIBU to wonder why?

OP posts:
northerngirl41 · 03/02/2011 22:27

noviceoftheday That's what I did too - but you are still asking guests to fork out for an outfit, a present etc. which they wouldn't usually spend on say, a birthday.

A nice one I went to recently, the bride and groom asked for handmade gifts which was hysterical in some cases and very touching in others.

I think you do go through an age where all your friends are getting married and there does seem to be a trend for everyone expecting a big cash splurge for not just the day, but all the events surrounding it too, even if you aren't a bridesmaid.

emsyj · 03/02/2011 22:30

Why do they have to buy an outfit and a present??? Confused

BrandyAlexander · 03/02/2011 22:34

Errrr..... Why do they have to buy an outfit? I don't buy a new outfit for every wedding I attend. For that matter, a present isn't compulsory either. eg some people didnt get us a present.

northerngirl41 · 03/02/2011 22:41

It's not compulsory, but if you are having a very grand event and I spend my life in jeans, I'm probably going to have to get something vaguely suitable...

Plus if you've spent £80/head on a night out, I'm going to feel obligated to get you something as a token gift. If it was more like £20/head down the local pub, I'd probably not get too uptight about the whole thing - I guess that's why the really expensive weddings seem to me to put a lot of pressure on all the guests not to mention the bridal party.

NonnoMum · 03/02/2011 22:46

Why spend money on a wedding?
Why spend money on a child's birthday party?
Why spend money on Christmas celebrations?
Why spend money on a milestone birthday? (21st/30th/40th/etc)

To celebrate with family and friends.

Don't go if you don't want to.
Or don't share your highdays and holidays with your family and friends if you chose not to.

emsyj · 03/02/2011 22:46

Sorry but your sense of obligation is your own issue. You can't blame it on the couple.

Also, I would have thought most people would have something to wear that was suitable. Perhaps not the outfit you would ideally like, but something. And call me old-fashioned, but I don't think jeans would be an appropriate outfit for a low-key wedding any more than for one of 'those' showy affairs.

confuddledDOTcom · 03/02/2011 23:37

Why is it anyone else's business what colour dress a bride chooses to wear? I was one of the 1% and chose not to wear white because it makes me look ill. White meaning virginity is a rather modern idea.

"it also places a huge burden on their guests too."

Why does it? You don't have to buy new clothes or bring an expensive present or pay to get your hair and nails done, but then if you're the sort of person to do that, wouldn't you do it anyway? Hen parties aren't compulsory if you can't afford it.

Oh and I am covering a heck of a lot of expense. Three meals for the guests during the day, all drinks from about 11am to 11pm, paying for important people to stay over two nights (which means their meals are covered for an entire day and the next days breakfast) I have hair and make up for my sister, grown up niece and mothers. But even if I wasn't, the cost of my wedding is not proportional to how much they would have to pay out to cover themselves. I'm also having a "no gifts" day and we're within a £20 taxi ride from home if anyone wants to get sloshed on us and not stay over.

Exactly Emsyj, some of us the cost is because we're trying to make it a nice day for everyone.

reallytired, I had a cheap wedding and it ended in 15 months. How does that fit in on your anecdotal evidence?

LeQueen · 04/02/2011 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meantosay · 04/02/2011 10:58

In fairness, LeQueen, a lot of us have just said that big expensive formal weddings are not to our taste and so we agree with the OP that we wonder why other people like to spend their money on them, not that we think it means their marriage is all show and no substance.

In the same way, you might wonder why someone who has plenty of money wants a very low key or quirky kind of ceremony, It's just taste and we all wonder why other people spend their money on certain things.

LeQueen · 04/02/2011 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
iJudge · 04/02/2011 12:35

I can just add that I have never equated having a flash marriage to having a shallow relationship.

I do think sometimes people think they can buy happiness though, as if spending all that money and doing things the 'right' way will guarantee a long and happy marriage, which of course it doesn't.

OP posts:
meantosay · 04/02/2011 12:37

I know LeQueen, I was just pointing out that not everyone agreeing with the OP is making derogatory remarks about the quality of people's marriages.
You have made your point, and made it well, but it is only an answer to a small number of posters on here. Not all of us, or even most of us, think like that.

Original poster
iJudge · 04/02/2011 12:51
OP posts:
FreudianSlippery · 04/02/2011 12:54

YANBU.

Our wedding was cheap. But it was absolutely PERFECT. My dress cost £100, mum embroidered it for me. The only big expense was the rings because obviously they need to last forever :)

Two sets of friends are getting married next year, one on the cheap, catering it themselves etc, the others are blowing a lot of money on it (still living with parents to save money) - tbh it's the former I'm looking forward to more :)

Funnily enough I dreamed about this issue last night! I dreamed that we were getting married again. All our friends were awaiting our arrival and I thought oh shit I don't have anything to wear! but then I realised it didn't matter, the most important thing about the wedding is the vows. So we did them in our jeans and t-shirts :)

emsyj · 04/02/2011 17:02

The weddings I have enjoyed the most have been those where we have enjoyed great company. The top two were a lavish, expensive, fancy do in Italy and a DIY job in a barn in Cornwall. The guests make the day IMO.

I do find it bizarre that it seems acceptable to say 'I'm much more keen to attend this cheap wedding than that expensive one', when it would clearly be considered deeply offensive to say the opposite.

Hmm

As others have said, if you hate posh do's so much, just decline politely and stay at home.

AngryGnome · 04/02/2011 18:23

Bibbity, how can you "over-romanticise" a wedding?? it is a wedding FFS!

Agree with Emsyj, LeQueen and others who have repeatedly tried to point out that the cost of a wedding has absolutely nothing to do with the relationship. I wouldn't presume to judge the happiness of a couple on the amount they spend on their wedding.

And when it comes to attending other people's weddings, it doesn't have to be a wallet busting extravaganza. I have one dress that I have worn to three different weddings - no problem, as there were no guests in common at any of them. However, even if there had been, do I seriously believe that any of the guests would remember what I was wearing? Perhaps there might be someone in a more important dress...i don't know...the bride maybe??

I think it is a privilege to be invited to share in someone's wedding day - I would be really upset to think any of the guests invited to our wedding were having such mean spirited thoughts about our wedding. I have been to weddings held on barges, in registry offices, churches, back room of a pub, stately homes. I loved all of them because all of them were wonderful happy occasions for my friends.

LeQueen · 04/02/2011 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngryGnome · 04/02/2011 18:42

I heart LeQueen.

Will you marry me after our showy weddings inevitably end in divorce?

We could wear ashes and sack cloth and marry in a crack-den to ensure an eternally happy union Wink

PinkIsMyFavouriteCrayon · 04/02/2011 19:51

I got married abroad, small 'do' but pretty spectacular. I spent a lot, but my memories are priceless, I wish I could go back and do everything exactly the same again. (And 5 years later DH and I are still just as in love)

JumpJockey · 04/02/2011 20:13

Do I win the thread gold medal because DH and I had both a £45 registry office do with 8 family members and a 2-months-salary-out-of-the-savings-account reception on the same day?

We also had a nuptual mass, didn't write our own vows (thus obviously don't really love each other since we failed to express it in our own words...) and gave a donation of 5% of the total budget to charity. How to judge that one, MNers...? Wink

confuddledDOTcom · 04/02/2011 22:51

LeQueen, you can add me to your fan club :) you can be my token MNer next year if you want Wink I'm hoping there's no correlation because my cheap wedding ended quickly whereas this one is going to be far more about having fun and doing what we want but costing us more.

meantosay when I go to a wedding I enjoy it for what it is, I don't wonder why they spent as much or as little on it as they did, I don't even try to guess how much is spent on it. I've often said I'd be a bad contestant on Four Weddings because I'd judge it on it's own merits not "it's not what I'd have had" nope, it's not, that's why it's her wedding, not mine!

Well said AngryGnome!

LeQueen · 05/02/2011 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrandyAlexander · 05/02/2011 13:51

What LeQueen said.

findingthepath · 05/02/2011 14:29

I have a great wedding and spent all my DH savings on it. Around 10k.

We stayed in a good room in the Animal kigdom lodge hotel in Desney world for 2 weekd, went to all the theam parks and swam with dolphines went to see cuircus du solia [sp?]. We got married in the second week. We simply told our families we were getting married there and it was up to them if they wanted to go or not. All of my DH family came, all 5 of them and my mum and dad, sister and her son (3 at the time). Everyone loved it and they only staed a week, some a dayy before going on to a different city to have their holiday.

It was great and we loved every minute of it.

Getting married was for us and our family not everyone else so we spent the money on the people that mattered to us.

When we got back my inlaw give us a party and she invited her friends - the party was for her to show off.
I booked a rock band and the food was great and my DH and i had a great time and my inlaws got to show off. I personaly did not want the party back home but if they were having one i could at least show up and have a good time Hmm

Getting married was about spending the rest of our lives together and having a good time.

I know 3 couples who spent over 30k on there wedding day and within a year split up. I do not get the point of that really Confused

I would not judge anyones wedding its up to them what they do with their money. Each to there own.

I do think its more important to have a good relationship than to have a good wedding but a bad relationship!

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 05/02/2011 14:42

I can't help agreeing that it's a bit odd to be being judgy about weddings and that I'd really hate it if there weren't so much choice and opportunity to have the right day for you, if it was all prescribed and had to conform to one image.

I'm of the school who isn't spending money I don't have on our wedding so we'll make compromises and have what we can afford, but that's not the point.

In my opinion, YANBU wondering, but YABU judging what people should and shouldn't do.