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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why people spend a fortune on their wedding?

260 replies

iJudge · 03/02/2011 10:05

I know it's their money and they can spend it how they want but AIBU to wonder why spend all that on just ONE day of your life?

My friend is getting married in about 8 weeks. She has spent a year visiting wedding fairs, getting dress fittings, pondering over table decorations, favours etc.

The money it is costing has quickly risen and they have had little help from parents yet are putting on quite a show.

I don't understand this. They both want to buy somewhere to live as they are renting atm, she wants children soon after the wedding and also wants to finish her teacher training. All of which they cannot afford at present.

Yet they have spent what I consider a small fortune on what is essentially just one day of their life.

AIBU to wonder why?

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 03/02/2011 13:36

Isn't some of the competitive frugality thing just a cultural thing? In company where not everyone is loaded it's acceptable to tell everyone how cheap something was, but if you go on about how expensive this or that is then it's a bit vulgar?

meantosay · 03/02/2011 13:39

To be honest, I suspect half the guests at most weddings are only there out of politeness/OH made them go/will be family feud if they don't. It does seem a shame that some brides and grooms make such huge sacrifices to pay for a big extravagent event when half the guests couldn't even tell you afterwards what colour the bridesmaids dresses were, never mind whether they matched the napkins. I personally think huge big weddings are a waste of money and are not appreciated by enough of the guests to make it worthwhile.

BlingLoving · 03/02/2011 13:41

Bettycash - you're mad. Sorry, but where on earth do you get this idea that an expensive wedding means it dissolves? I've been to many large and expensive weddings and so far, age 34, only 2 of those are in any way in trouble/have ended. Not so say there won't be more, but so far, my hit rate is looking pretty good.

BlingLoving · 03/02/2011 13:42

Oh, and for the record - I don't believe in bankrupting yourself to attend a wedding. And I have, regretfully, declined many weddings as we simply could not afford to attend. As far as I am aware, none of the couples involved were insulted.

Similarly, while our wedding was held locally to where we grew up, there were people who no longer lived there who could not make it due to the expense of attending. We were sad they weren't there, but of course understood the reasoning. There's no way you can have a large wedding and expect all the people who have ever been important to you to all still live locally.

OTheHugeManatee · 03/02/2011 13:43

Bling - maybe Bettycash is getting wedding expenditure per se muddled up with the Curse Of Hello Magazine?

SoMuchToBits · 03/02/2011 13:45

I have no particular opinion on how much people should spend - it's up to them, so long as they can afford it. However I do think weddings seem to have become much bigger than they used to.

When I got married we had about 80 guests to the main reception and a few more in the evening, and I though that was a lot.

But when my parents got married in 1951 they had fewer than 20 guests (all close family apart from my Dad's best man who was a friend).

They had a church wedding, but just wore smart suits they could use again, spent money on a ring for my Mum (my Dad didn't have one). They had a small bouquet of flowers for my Mum (no bridesmaids). No wedding cars, as they walked to and from the church, as was in a small village. The reception was a meal in a local cafe/restaurant, nice but not particularly posh. They had a vase of flowers on each table. And a few professional photographs.

This seemed quite a normal sized wedding for those days, and evening receptions were not really heard of then. But it seems rare to hear of a wedding that small/simple these days.

NotAnotherNewNappy · 03/02/2011 13:45

If you don?t like organising things or are fearful of being in the spotlight then YANBU to wonder, but YABU to judge if others do.

I had a VERY flashy wedding, it was wonderful ? definitely the best day of my life.

We got married in a Cathedral and a Royal Palace and I wore a massive, sparkly dress. I can feel the judgeyness from here! Grin
But, a lot of it was smoke and mirrors and we didn't go £1 into debt. The whole thing took place less than half a mile from our home in two venues which were hugely personal to both of us.

I was already a mum (DD was 1yo) and I felt like the day was even more special to me because organising it was the perfect antidote to ( what sometimes felt like) the drudgery and martyrdom of the previous year on maternity leave. It also felt like a celebration of everything we had achieved as a couple (i.e. falling in love, having DD, falling even more in love with each other and DD).

We spent a lot of time thinking how to make the day enjoyable for our guests and prioritised the budget to reflect that (i.e. spending on booze rather than exotic flowers and hiring nursery nurses to help with little ones). It brought a lot of happiness to a lot of people (esp. the oldies on both sides of our families) and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

When I?m on my deathbed, I know won?t be smiling over what model of car I own or how many bedrooms my house has ? but I will remember that very happy day and celebrating getting married to my wonderful DH.

MarioandLuigi · 03/02/2011 13:46

YANBU - I would rather go on a nice holiday :)

NotAnotherNewNappy · 03/02/2011 13:46

If you don?t like organising things or enjoy being in the spotlight then YANBU to wonder, but YABU to judge if others do.

I had a VERY flashy wedding, it was wonderful ? definitely the best day of my life.

We got married in a Cathedral and a Royal Palace and I wore a massive, sparkly dress. I can feel the judgeyness from here! Grin
But, a lot of it was smoke and mirrors and we didn't go £1 into debt. The whole thing took place less than half a mile from our home in two venues which were hugely personal to both of us.

I was already a mum (DD was 1yo) and I felt like the day was even more special to me because organising it was the perfect antidote to ( what sometimes felt like) the drudgery and martyrdom of the previous year on maternity leave. It also felt like a celebration of everything we had achieved as a couple (i.e. falling in love, having DD, falling even more in love with each other and DD).

We spent a lot of time thinking how to make the day enjoyable for our guests and prioritised the budget to reflect that (i.e. spending on booze rather than exotic flowers and hiring nursery nurses to help with little ones). It brought a lot of happiness to a lot of people (esp. the oldies on both sides of our families) and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

When I?m on my deathbed, I know won?t be smiling over what model of car I own or how many bedrooms my house has ? but I will remember that very happy day and celebrating getting married to my wonderful DH.

NotAnotherNewNappy · 03/02/2011 13:46

Oops - sorry for double post.

Onetoomanycornettos · 03/02/2011 13:47

My personal favourite bit of any wedding day is the actual wedding ceremony. I love an excuse for a tear and I find that bit generally very moving (unless you are watching your friend marry a a complete plonker, or you know one of them is having an affair, both of which I've sat through in the last ten years).

The rest of it can be great fun or a bit formulaic IMO.

MickeyMixer · 03/02/2011 13:51

Just been researching whether cost of wedding is related to divorce rates!!!

IT ISN'T!! THANK GOODNESS! Wink

"The research evidence shows that early marriage, premarital childbearing, and previous partnership breakdown are among the most important of the demographic factors predicting marital breakdown. Further research, of an interdisciplinary kind, is required to identify links between these demographic factors and psychological, social, and economic factors."

A recent NHS study

new2cm · 03/02/2011 13:52

YANBU. I sometimes wonder as well.

LeQueen · 03/02/2011 13:53

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MickeyMixer · 03/02/2011 13:55

I took the view cos I had to that the wedding was really for others, our parents etc. and that we were not really important. Sad

Lamorna · 03/02/2011 14:05

It is purely down to personal choice. I never understand why someone makes up their mind about something and it is automatically 'right'. Each to their own.

rubyrubyruby · 03/02/2011 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MickeyMixer · 03/02/2011 14:11

I think, rubyrubyruby, that if you read the thread carefully not everyone is being judgey...most are just saying what they did/would do etc. Also - we were asked for OUR opinion - not for a balanced view!!

I'm pretty sure most people want to live and let live....

LeQueen · 03/02/2011 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rubyrubyruby · 03/02/2011 14:17

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GMajor7 · 03/02/2011 14:24

Sad I'm biased. My DP of 17 years and I have been to a couple of 'Mega-Weddings' and it has put him off to the point that he just won't get married. He is fearful of the pressure to provide an opulent ceremony & reception.

MickeyMixer · 03/02/2011 14:31

£78.50 at the registry office - spend the rest on a honeymoon!

rubyrubyruby · 03/02/2011 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GMajor7 · 03/02/2011 14:38

I've told him I'd bee more than happy with reg office and off to the pub. After 17 years it would just be great to be his WIFE fgs!!

Onetoomanycornettos · 03/02/2011 14:44

Ruby- if you invited me to a large weekend party in the middle of no-where where I had pay to stay in the only costly hotel around, and then provided me with a set list of things I could buy you to celebrate your birthday, actually I would be less keen to come!

I would have had an even simpler wedding could I have got away with it, just me, husband to be and a lovely white dress. I just wasn't fussed about partying with friends and family at all, or having them witness our union etc. I don't know why.

I don't feel more or less supportive either of friends who I have seen get married, I am friends with plenty of couples who either ran off to Vegas, or got married hastily then rang and told us, or just aren't married for a variety of reasons. I don't feel bad that I wasn't there to see them get married, although I would always go if invited (and possible).

But I knew that it would be the only chance my family would have to see their child get married and that they very much wanted to be there, so that's what I did. Something small in numbers, but classy (I felt).

GMajor7 what a shame. I have a friend who recently married a long-term DP, they had only family at the registry office and she held a tea-party another afternoon (ok, with champagne and nice cakes), it was charming. Don't let the 'mega-weddings' put you off having the type of wedding you would like, mega or not.