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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why people spend a fortune on their wedding?

260 replies

iJudge · 03/02/2011 10:05

I know it's their money and they can spend it how they want but AIBU to wonder why spend all that on just ONE day of your life?

My friend is getting married in about 8 weeks. She has spent a year visiting wedding fairs, getting dress fittings, pondering over table decorations, favours etc.

The money it is costing has quickly risen and they have had little help from parents yet are putting on quite a show.

I don't understand this. They both want to buy somewhere to live as they are renting atm, she wants children soon after the wedding and also wants to finish her teacher training. All of which they cannot afford at present.

Yet they have spent what I consider a small fortune on what is essentially just one day of their life.

AIBU to wonder why?

OP posts:
StormInaCCup · 03/02/2011 10:55

Whether YABU depends whether the couple in question can afford the day they want without getting into a moutain of debt - even then I would say, as with anything else, I usually take the position that it is up to people how they want to spend their own money.

We spent about 12k on our wedding in 2009 which sounds an awful lot (and is),but just to put into perspective - we waited 7 years to get married as we wanted to own our own family home first, were given a sum from our parents (4k in total) towards the cost of the wedding and we saved up the rest ourselves in the year we were engaged. Although we have friends who are still paying off their wedding years later, we were adamant that we wanted everything paid up from the off, and once the wedding was over we didn't owe a penny to anyone.

People say that it is a lot to spend on just one day, but quite honestly it was the best day of our entire lives, just magical, and I still think it was worth every single penny. It also wasn't just about the 'one day' for me at all - it was about making that commitment to each other in front of our family and friends. I had been really poorly that year (diagnosed with cervical cancer and in remission by the time of the wedding) and focussing on the planning and having something positive to look forward to really helped us both get through what was otherwise a pretty shitty time in our lives.

Of the money spent a lot went on photography (which we will have forever and love getting out and looking at), beautiful wedding rings that we wear everyday, and a fantastic honeymoon to Dubai and Thailand which was a bit of a holiday of a lifetime for us both - especially now we have a little one on the way and won't be doing anything quite so adventurous for a while.

I haggled for everything, so made some quite massive savings, and tried not to spend a fortune on some of the things that brides can go really crazy on such as wedding dress (£750 - which is expensive but not eye wateringly so IMO), suits (we hired ours) and flowers (haggled quite mercilessly with the florist!)and cake (DH's uncle is a baker and made us the the most beautiful and delicious stack of wedding cupcakes for just £90!).

Anyway, I have gone on a bit - but just wanted to make the point that there's more to weddings than the party, and there are ways to be sensible with your money and have the wedding you want without putting yourself into the red. Grin

Gogopops · 03/02/2011 10:56

A friend of mine had a loan to cover her wedding costs which she eventually repaid from the divorce settlement some years later!!

Yes it's bonkers IMO to spend money on a wedding if you cant afford it.

Katiepoes · 03/02/2011 10:58

You are being unreasonable. I had no 'frills' - one bridesmaid, no flowers, no cake, no cars, no favours, none of that sort of thing and still managed to spend 15k. We had the party we wanted and frankly I refuse to apologise for that. So my dress was 1500 euro, so what? I had the money and that's how I chose to spend it. If I had gotten into debt it would still have been my choice.

By the way just because we all know of couples who split up while still paying for their wedding does not mean the 'ooh we baked our own cake for 4p and I wore a dress from the recycling bin' brigade all stay together either.

looblylu · 03/02/2011 10:59

i had a very expensive wedding, but we didnt go into any debt for it.

If we couldnt afford it/ were saving for a house/ whatever we would have had a low key affair.

But we werent, we had a fabulous day and a memory to keep forever and i dont regret the expense for a second.

StormInaCCup · 03/02/2011 11:09

I agree Katiepoes I can understand that if someone was making their whole family live on Smartprice baked beans for 3 years whilst they saved up/ took out huge loans to fund some extravaganza of a wedding that they patently couldn't afford, that would be a tad irresponsible. But, if you can afford it and it is important to you, I really don't see why anyone can object.

There seems to be a few people on here making the link between big (read expensive)weddings = all show and no love, and small (read cheap) weddings = unique memorable occasions with B&G very much in love and riding off into the sunset together. That's just bollocks.

I did spend a lot of time planning my wedding/ flowers/ colourscheme/ favours etc - so what? It didn't feel 'stagemanaged' in the slightest - it was a very emotional and fun day, and friends seemed to have a wonderful time (that might be because we didn't miss any opportunities to feed and water them though!) I certainly didn't shoo any aged relatives out of the pictures just because they didn't match my dress. Hmm

togarama · 03/02/2011 11:12

YANBU to wonder about this and I agree with your sentiments. However, others are free to spend their money as they wish.

onehotmomma · 03/02/2011 11:13

IMO it's not unreasonable if you can afford it but if you make yourself in debt over it then yes it's a silly thing to do imo

thefurryone · 03/02/2011 11:14

emsyj not just this forum you get it everywhere with regards to weddings, some people seem to think that if you spend more than £50 on the day then you're only doing it to show off rather than because you actually love your husband/ wife and want to throw a big party for your family & friends. We spent a fair amount of our savings on our wedding and I don't regret it for a minute, how often do you get to throw such a party and get to enjoy yourself so much with everyone you love. Yes it meant there were some things I couldn't afford as a consequence but I can't actually remember what they were now!

I do understand that some people don't want that kind of wedding but don't understand why they have to be so sanctimonious and holier than thou about it.

Bumblequeen · 03/02/2011 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

thunderbird69 · 03/02/2011 11:20

When I got married there were no fancy places to have the ceremony in, so it was the local register office. I think since other places have been able to get licences to host weddings then people do seem to be spending more?

If people want to spend a lot, then that is up to them but I wouldn't (didn't!) myself. Then again I am the sort of person who thinks spending more than £100 on a ring is a waste of money! Confused

MrsBethel · 03/02/2011 11:23

Each to their own obviously, but YANBU to wonder why. I don't get it either.

For me, getting married is more about the life you will have after the wedding than the day itself.

Everyone wants a nice wedding, but I don't understand spending a fortune on it. Money = hours worked = time away from your spouse.

TrillianAstra · 03/02/2011 11:23

Because it's the biggest party you'll ever get to throw.

I love having parties, but don't ever feel I can justify having as many as I'd like or spending as much as I'd like to.

GMajor7 · 03/02/2011 11:26

YANBU. It is for show. To look good.

StormInaCCup · 03/02/2011 11:29

A waste of money how though thuderbird ? Our wedding rings were around £1000 each so not cheap granted - but both are platinum, so are wearing well and don't need replating. They are beautiful but simple designs and I hope that they will outlive us and be passed on to our children or grandchildren.

Also, surely they are the one thing that you wear every single day of your life, whereas a pair of shoes or a coat at £100 might be worn out within a year or two. I am normally pretty frugal but had no problem paying for 'expensive' wedding rings, as they are surely one of the few possesions that you have that should be made to last.

jumpingcastles · 03/02/2011 11:34

well its not about the wedding day, but the life after the day (marriage)!

OTheHugeManatee · 03/02/2011 11:35

YABU and YANBU.

I think it's daft to get into debt to pay for a massive wedding. But if you can afford it, then why the hell not?

There's definitely a kind of 'how thrifty can you be' competitiveness about in some quarters on MN, but it's not just weddings. IMO it just reflects the fact that times are hard at the moment and most people find themselves having to be thrifty. Hence folks take pride in doing something economically and well, and/or sometimes get irritated by people who aren't in that situation.

rubyrubyruby · 03/02/2011 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GMajor7 · 03/02/2011 11:38

Maybe, but sometimes the pomp of it all can detract from what's actually going on i.e. two people making a lifelong commitment.

Dropdeadfred · 03/02/2011 11:39

I loved loved loved our wedding day...I don't understand why anyone else should have an opinion on how many £'000s it cost. My dh and I and our 3 children had the best day ever...as did our extended family and friends. Some of the money went on a professional creche for the children and paying for people's hotel rooms so that anyone who came was not out of pocke(a theme of many threads on here).

Onetoomanycornettos · 03/02/2011 11:42

YANBU, I know TWO people who went ahead with unstable relationships into marriage because the day had got so big, relatives were flying in, the deposit for the hotel would be lost, they couldn't face cancelling.

In both instances, the length of the debt repayments outlasted the length of the marriage (one was only 6 weeks!)

I don't mind people spending their own money on such events, I think it's a shame when the 'event' starts to eclipse the actual point of the ceremony.

emsyj · 03/02/2011 11:43

We spent quite a lot on our wedding, but that was because we had an expensive (and very good) band, an expensive photographer, a free bar, laid on transport for guests and DH got a bespoke cashmere suit (which he had wanted for years and still wears quite often). There was no pomp.

Still, if people want pomp and chair covers that's their business. Don't attend the wedding if it really bothers you!

curlymama · 03/02/2011 11:47

We spent alot on our wedding, but we paid for it ourselves, we didn't get into debt for it, and we have our house. But why should I have to explain that to someone who thinks it's silly to spend alot of money on one day. It's nobody else's business, so YABU.

We didn't do it for show, we did it because we wanted to have a fantastic day with everyone that we both care about. That meant feeding alot of people, and we needed a venue that was suitable for guests to stay at and had good disabled facilities. And I wanted some of the trimmings, just for fun. We knew people would travel to be there, and we wanted to give them a fabulous weekend, not just a village hall. The fact that people were made so comfortable added to the atmosphere and the good time that we all had, that simply wouldn't have been as good if it was done on the cheap. Sorry, but it wouldn't.

I loved planning our wedding, and we love remembering it, so it wasn't like the money was completely wasted. It wasn't for show, it was because we wanted it and could have it, that simple.

I agree with thefurryone that people get very sanctimonious about weddings if they didn't spend alot. Like they are somehow more in love just because they didn't spend much on their wedding day. I think it's a bit pathetic when people get like that, and smacks of jealousy.

rubyrubyruby · 03/02/2011 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thunderbird69 · 03/02/2011 11:48

StorminaCCup - I didn't mean to imply that other people are wasting their money, just for me personally it would seem a waste of my/my OH's money. I've worn my £50 wedding ring every day for over 15 years and nothing has happened to it so I don't feel like I should have spent more on it.
I'm just not that bothered about expensive jewellery. Or expensive anything really (never spent £100 on shoes or coat).

MarshaBrady · 03/02/2011 11:49

My parents paid for the whole thing. Very traditional!

Three daughters blimey....