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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why people spend a fortune on their wedding?

260 replies

iJudge · 03/02/2011 10:05

I know it's their money and they can spend it how they want but AIBU to wonder why spend all that on just ONE day of your life?

My friend is getting married in about 8 weeks. She has spent a year visiting wedding fairs, getting dress fittings, pondering over table decorations, favours etc.

The money it is costing has quickly risen and they have had little help from parents yet are putting on quite a show.

I don't understand this. They both want to buy somewhere to live as they are renting atm, she wants children soon after the wedding and also wants to finish her teacher training. All of which they cannot afford at present.

Yet they have spent what I consider a small fortune on what is essentially just one day of their life.

AIBU to wonder why?

OP posts:
wheredidyoulastseeit · 03/02/2011 13:03

As far as travelling miles goes, obviously if you live a long way from everybody, people understand why they need to travel and stay in hotels. The gripe is that people sometimes have to stay in hotels on the whim of the bride when they could easily have a local wedding.

We are currently in the situation of being under lots of pressure deciding whether to go to a wedding of very close family in a location we would never choose (long haul) in term time.

Onetoomanycornettos · 03/02/2011 13:06

Fine, if they need to stay in hotels to attend your wedding, then pay for some of them, or arrange cheap b and b, or make it clear that you know this will cost so you don't want a present for this reason, and put on transport to make it easier for them to get around. These are some of the things you can do to cushion the cost (the other being very understanding when they can't actually attend due to the expense and location).

pink4ever · 03/02/2011 13:06

This is a subject that is bugging me just now! Got s good friend who recently got engaged.They set a date for wedding(end of 2013). She has now basically told us(group of friends that she cant come out for next 2 years as have to save for wedding!).
It is all due to her mum(and dp mum) demanding they have a huge wedding (over 150 to meal and then 350 at evening do!) I think its a piece of nonsense!(if they want that number then they should pay for it!).
My friend and her dp have recently found out they probably cant have dcs without help(ie ivf) but she has said no way can they afford it.Eh dont have such a ridiculously big wedding!?. I know she will enjoy her big day but I also know how much she really really wants dcs(works with kids and is one of the most maternal people I know!).
Its all about keeping up ith the Joneses(and to the people on here who say oh well I can afford it-the majority of people cant and get themselves into debt doing it-sad).

TrillianAstra · 03/02/2011 13:08

"people sometimes have to stay in hotels"

Well, you don't have to.

BlingLoving · 03/02/2011 13:09

weddings are one of the large community/family social events that still exist. And they're expensive because most of the time, we don't host 100 people to dinner, dancing and free wine.

I think people forget the purpose of a wedding - its to celebrate with your family, friends and community the decision to live your lives together. And it's a celebration for everyone. In the past, and in different cultures, similar celebrations that were community wide would have been held for babys' births, christianings, engagements, entry to manhood/womanhood, first kill etc etc etc.

We live in a world now where a lot of people wouldn't even have people round for drinks without expecting their guests to contribute in some way so the concept of a wedding, paid for by the couple and their families, seems extravagant.

But I had the big, expensive wedding and I loved it. I loved the sense of occasion and the way it felt that all these people that me and DH loved were there to celebrate with us and to wish us well. Similarly, I adore attending other people's weddings for the same reason.

deliakate · 03/02/2011 13:11

Agree BlingLoving! I loved my big day!

Original poster
iJudge · 03/02/2011 13:11

Well yes I can see how flowers can you give you pleasure and would be seen as a treat.

I can't understand spending a small fortune to make sure the napkins, favour bags and chair covers are all the same exact shade of *insert colour of choice - what has any of that got to do with celebrating your vowels or making sure your guests have a good time? It's just materialistic. People are fooled (by wedding planners/shops, magazines and celeb weddings into thinking they 'need' or 'must have' these things.

And it's all these little things that mean nothing but add up to costing £££'s - why?

I don't understand it.

OP posts:
Onetoomanycornettos · 03/02/2011 13:12

I think, in fairness, the OP wasn't trying to say big or costly weddings are bad per se, just that when they plunge people into debt or they stop them reaching other life goals (finishing training or getting a house), maybe that's the time to stop and think about what the wedding day represents and why in our culture, the cost are spiralling and spiralling (basically when people started hiring venues rather than hosting them in theirs or a family members home).

Fakeplastictrees, you know what makes a DIY wedding so much easier? You actually can cut out half the things you do. So, no need for favours on the table, matching napkins, decorated chairs (unless you love that stuff), embossed invites, get a friend to be a photographer, and so on. Half the stuff at weddings is OPTIONAL and in my opinion not even desirable. I even ditched the wedding car. You do have a choice (and mine was to take a local cheap form of transport all dressed up in my finery, it was brilliant fun).

MrsSparkle · 03/02/2011 13:12

We couldn't afford a big do with 150 people costing 20k plus tbh. We just had what we could afford and only invited the people we wanted to invite. If your mother or mil to be tried to insist you invite great aunt mable from up North that you have never met gag her egnore her and invite who you want. DO NOT be pressured into paying for people you don't know/haven't seen sice you were 5. You mil will hold it against it for ever but then she will hold lots of things against you thoughout your married life!

Do what you want and invite who you want to invite. Inviting all these people is usually what makes weddings cost so much imo.

Onetoomanycornettos · 03/02/2011 13:14

Dudge, you beat me to it!

BlingLoving · 03/02/2011 13:17

No onetoomanycornettos - iJudge is the OP and she clearly states in the post before yours that she thinks spending a lot is ridiculous and materialistic while exchanging "vowels".

Original poster
iJudge · 03/02/2011 13:18

Bling - Me and Onetoomanycornettos are reading from the same hymn sheet.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 03/02/2011 13:18

Actually, this really annoys me. I really hope that when you get invited to weddings that are large and lavish, that you decline on principal.

It may be old fashioned, but I think being able to throw a party and celebrate as I see fit is one of the great joys in life. DH and I throw few parties, but when we do, we love it and always make an effort and refuse all offers of people bringing food or whatever because we want to entertain and celebrate with our friends and family.

MrsSparkle · 03/02/2011 13:19

I definatly agree that people are fooled by wedding planners/magazines etc. I went to one wedding show and found it to be full of people trying flog you things for your wedding that you don't need at all. I was quite shocked at how blatent the whole thing was actually. Never go to wedding shows!

MickeyMixer · 03/02/2011 13:25

Registry office £35 before + £40 for 'service' + £3.50 for the certificate. JOB DONE!!

Oh I forgot the bus fare! Grin

ladysybil · 03/02/2011 13:26

i fully expect to be not only involved in the planning and organisation of my kids weddings, but alaso in financing them.

dd has already decided her colours and style of dress. I will be wearing cream apparently. :) dd is seven.

MickeyMixer · 03/02/2011 13:28

If only we'd done that:
£13000 - £78.50 = £12921.50 change!!
Tragically my parents were paying and in charge!

meantosay · 03/02/2011 13:30

But that's the key difference Bling - being able to throw a party. The OP is talking about people who aren't financially able to host a big wedding with all kinds of expensive extras and every cousin and colleague invited, but still insist on doing it and seem to lose all sense of reason about it. I think they're mad to face into several years of struggling to pay the mortgage or never being able to go out because they borrowed heavily to finance one day.

wheredidyoulastseeit · 03/02/2011 13:31

Well spend as much as you like on your wedding day, I too love an extravagant day with the champagne flowing, but please I can't really afford to pay hundreds for it.
If you can't afford to pay for me to come, have a small one and I'll happily bring a bottle of wine and a plate of food and get a taxi home

BlingLoving · 03/02/2011 13:31

No, I think the OP thinks spending a lot full stop is bad.

"I can't understand spending a small fortune to make sure the napkins, favour bags and chair covers are all the same exact shade of *insert colour of choice - what has any of that got to do with celebrating your vowels or making sure your guests have a good time? It's just materialistic. People are fooled (by wedding planners/shops, magazines and celeb weddings into thinking they 'need' or 'must have' these things."

BettyCash · 03/02/2011 13:32

It's mad - someone should tell those people about the tendency for expensive weddings to dissolve within a few years' time...

Onetoomanycornettos · 03/02/2011 13:32

Bling, it may be that at your big wedding, everyone had a brilliant time. I have been to large weddings where it's worked really well, the couple have appreciated how much it costs to attend and done everything in their power to make it fun and less costly and for us to enjoy ourselves. However, for every big wedding like that, I've attended probably two more which have cost me and arm and a leg and, if I'm totally truthful, I have attended more out of duty than because it's brilliant fun to sit on covered chairs next to strangers with a not great band and admire the couple from afar as you've had all of five minutes with them. If your wedding wasn't like that, don't stress it.

And yes, I did decline to attend an extra-expensive wedding abroad recently, I simply couldn't rustle up the £2000 and take the children out of school at short notice, despite the bride-to-be's constant pressure about it.

thefurryone · 03/02/2011 13:33

Very well put blingloving

I love going to weddings simply because I love being asked to help my friends celebrate such a special day. I like to think we have a sensible approach to money as a family, but at the same time I want to make the most of life and that inlcudes sharing special times with family & friends.

thefurryone · 03/02/2011 13:35

onetoomanycornettos you're clearly just friends with the wrong people, I've been to about 30 weddings in that last four years, all of them big events and none of them were at all like that.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 03/02/2011 13:35

If I was a millionaire I'd have the most bonkers extravehent day ever, but I'm pretty lucky in that alot of my friends work in PR/entertainment/photography so I benefit from mates rates huuugely!

But if I had ten grand I'd rather spend two on a nice day and then 8 on a trip around Italy!