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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why people spend a fortune on their wedding?

260 replies

iJudge · 03/02/2011 10:05

I know it's their money and they can spend it how they want but AIBU to wonder why spend all that on just ONE day of your life?

My friend is getting married in about 8 weeks. She has spent a year visiting wedding fairs, getting dress fittings, pondering over table decorations, favours etc.

The money it is costing has quickly risen and they have had little help from parents yet are putting on quite a show.

I don't understand this. They both want to buy somewhere to live as they are renting atm, she wants children soon after the wedding and also wants to finish her teacher training. All of which they cannot afford at present.

Yet they have spent what I consider a small fortune on what is essentially just one day of their life.

AIBU to wonder why?

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 03/02/2011 12:38

I spent a lot on money on my wedding.

That was before I realised how expensive children are!

And on the day, I felt so embarrassed to be the focus of everyone's eyes.

They all had a great time. I had an ok time.

I reckon it's all over priced but each to their own.

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/02/2011 12:39

YANBU, I dont get it either.

A marriage is about making a lifelong commitment to the other person. Nowadays it seems to focus on how much is spent, size of wedding etc rather than the actual commitment and vows.

MickeyMixer · 03/02/2011 12:40

Post children I would definitely have not spent anything like as much on wedding!!

Do the Mums who got married after kids think they spent less than those who married first - or did they spend more because they were older and more solvent ..???

MarshaBrady · 03/02/2011 12:41

So come on then, if you paid for your own wedding will you pay for your daughters' weddings?

Only pay once I suppose!

MrsSparkle · 03/02/2011 12:42

I did have a small wedding but it still cost 8 grand. Like i said though, most of that was on the food. Imo people always remember good food, even if they don't remember alot about the wedding!

My hen night cost everyone £20-£30. I did cocktails at my house for everyone then we had a limo around town then onto a club. Everyone found that by the time we got to the club they didn't want anymore alcohol so a big saving

Everyone just wore a nice dress they already had and we didn't expect anyone to come dressed in a really fancy, expensive "wedding" outfit.

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/02/2011 12:42

Oops pressed submit too soon (this is where we need an edit button).

I also dislike weddings that put the costs onto the guests - get married where you want but you should cover the transport/hotel costs if not local for all guests.

My major pet hate is cash requests or honeymoon vouchers, if you cant afford the wedding or a honeymoon then either cut back or wait rather than "charge" guests for it. A discreet wedding list available upon requst I dont mind though as long as the list is reasonable and not full of expensive wants.

TrillianAstra · 03/02/2011 12:43

"I actually disagree with couples who expect guests to travel hundreds of miles"

If I were to get married there would be no choice. My parents live hundreds of miles away from DPs parents and both places are hundreds of miles away from where we live. There is no location that would be convenient for everyone.

"I don't understand the notion of spending money on things which do not matter"

But if it makes you happy, why not? Expensive flowers might not matter to you, but maybe someone else really loves flowers and wants lilies everywhere, and for them it might make the day so much nicer.

thumbdabwitch · 03/02/2011 12:44

I don't have a DD - but I do have a DS and I would expect to pay something towards his wedding, yes. We paid for the majority of ours (primarily so I could maintain control of the guestlist and numbers - if Mum had had any say in it, all sorts of dubious relatives would have been invited, purely out of duty) but my parents and DH's mum did put a reasonable amount of money into the pot as well.

Onetoomanycornettos · 03/02/2011 12:46

LeQueen, I think they actually get wedding fever and think so much about how nice the venue is and how great it'll all look, they don't think about how everyone will get there. I think what your friend did is exactly right, if you pick an out of the way location or an expensive one, you either pay for your guests, or help them find cheaper accommodation or understand and hold a large party in London or wherever a few weeks later.

I have a friend who got wedding fever recently, decided to get married very unexpectedly, and was most put out when I told her that I couldn't fly the four of us to a remote village in Europe (2 hours from even a small airport) and rent an apartament from the block she had reserved for guests (only 600euros for the weekend, a bargain!) All with a months notice. Luckily it was called off, but ony wedding fever can make a normally sane person think it's fine to demand their friend spend £2000 to see them get married in the middle of nowhere at short notice.

MrsSparkle · 03/02/2011 12:46

Yes i would pay for my daughters wedding! She is only 4 now but if we could afford to when the time comes we would. Alot can happen in potentially 20-30 years though!

MrsSparkle · 03/02/2011 12:48

We had ours in a venue in our town so everyone could get taxies/drive to the venue. We got married and had the meal and everning do at the same place

orangepoo · 03/02/2011 12:48

I had a reg office wedding costing peanuts because I would not have liked lots of people looking at me, I don't wear dresses and wouldn't have wanted to wear a wedding dress. Also I hate organising events, find it really stressful. My DS's 5th birthday party is filling me with dread and I am still traumatised from his 4th .

Anyway when other people invite us to big weddings, we have a great time. If they like that sort of wedding, then they can have it.

MickeyMixer · 03/02/2011 12:49

I see university as a more worthwhile investment for my daughter - but I'd obviously help if I could!

MrsSparkle · 03/02/2011 12:50

Can i just ask, having not been to many weddings what people mean by expensive stuff that is just for show and not necessary?

xstitch · 03/02/2011 12:50

I have the same problem as Trill. My DP's mum and my mum live 300 miles apart and I have a cousin 1200mile in one direction and another cousin in the US. Physically impossible to hold a wedding local to everyone.

thefurryone · 03/02/2011 12:51

Agree with those saying that it needs to be proportional and getting into debt for anything is never a great idea, but I do still think that some people are being very judgemental about bigger more expensive weddings, how would you fel if someone implied to you that because you only spent x amount it meant that your marriage was unlikely to last past christmas?

OP you may not understand them putting the wedding before other things like buying a house, but to them it may well be worth waiting a bit longer. Also organising a bigger wedding doesn't always mean more stressful. The most stressful thing about my wedding was my family situation and that would have been an issue no matter what size my wedding. You think your way was perfect and fair enough it was for you and your DH but stop being so judgemental because others choose to do things differently.

MickeyMixer · 03/02/2011 12:52

Well I liitle example of totally unnecessary extravagance (my parents paid btw) is that we had invitations from Smythson's H.M. The Queen's stationer!!

FakePlasticTrees · 03/02/2011 12:53

For those saying "it's for show" - well, unless you get married with just 2 legal witnesses and then do no celebrating afterwards with anyone else, then yes, all wedding spending is for show. But it's more wanting to celebrate making a lifelong commitment to someone with your family and friends.

I didn't have a wedding with much 'pomp' - and i guess 70 guests come under the heading of small/medium wedding - but all in all we spent about £22k. A. we could afford it and B. I didn't want to spend a year trailing round wedding fairs, making favours, hand making my cards or spend the morning of my wedding sorting flowers (however simple) or putting out place cards etc.

At the time I had a very stressful job, working long hours with a long commute so we spent more to make planning the whole thing far more simple. I'm sure we could have done a very similar day for a lot less money, I knew it at the time, but I just didn't have the time, energy or bridezilla tendancies to do the leg work needed.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who spent more in order to make their life easier. DIY weddings while cheaper, sound like having a second job.

MrsSparkle · 03/02/2011 12:53

We got married in a small manor house hotel and only had 18 at the ceremony. Not being married in a reg office doesn't mean people had a big ceremony. I don't like the idea of getting married in front of loads of people either so i didn't, but i didn't have to got to a reg office to do so!

MickeyMixer · 03/02/2011 12:53

a little

thumbdabwitch · 03/02/2011 12:54

thefurryone - true - the most stressful thing about my wedding was whether or not my mum would be out of hospital to attend it - she wasn't and didn't, we had to go there to see her and get photos taken in her hospital room. Glad we did though.

MooMooFarm · 03/02/2011 12:58

We could have afforded to spend much more than we did on our wedding day, but neither of us wanted to. I was never that bothered about having a big 'do', it just seemed to me to be the legal bit we had to go through to be 'married', which I was much more excited about. Maybe that's why we're still happily married years later, whilst some of our friends who seemed to look no further ahead than their 'big day' are divorced.

Flame me now!

DISCLAIMER - I really do not think that everyone spending a fortune on their wedding is more likely to divorce than those who don't - but I do think that some women jump into getting married because it finally gives them the excuse to have their big 'being a princess for the day' experience they've been dreaming of for years.... and the reality of waking up to the same person every day for the rest of their lives doesn't even get a look in.

MrsSparkle · 03/02/2011 12:58

For me FakePlasticTrees, doing my own invites etc wasn't a chore. I really enjoy doing crafty things so i saw it as fun but i realise not everyone does. We had a half DIY half not wedding. I had a florist do the flowers, proper photographer etc but made my cake, did the invites etc.

Icoulddoitbetter · 03/02/2011 13:02

I think it's mad to go into debt for a day. My wedding was far bigger than I ever intended as DH has a huge family. We did it "traditionally" but I tried really hard to keep costs down ie posh buffet, hired all the elements for the reception separately, cake from Waitrose, made my own invites. It still cost ten grand though, and most of that was on food and drink. We were given some money from our parents and paid the rest ourselves and it was completely affordable. There is no way I would have borrowed anything just so I could have the "right" flowers. It was an amazing day, and not having the reception venue covered in cala lillies really didn't detract from the fun!

My BIL is getting married this year and paying for it is taking over their lives, even though they are also getting money from family. I've given them suggestions on how to cut costs, but they want to do things in a very specific way so inevitably end up paying the wedding premium on everything. I'm sure it'll be a fantastic day, but the stress they are going through at the moment to fund it just isn't worth it IMHO.

MickeyMixer · 03/02/2011 13:02

The focus should be on the MARRIAGE not the wedding.. A wedding is just a party ... a marriage is a lifelong sentence committment

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