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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be proud of being and wife and to want to be acknowledged as such?

945 replies

WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 12:41

I've read quite a few posts on MN from people who are annoyed, and quite rightly so, at being called "Mrs" when they're actually a Ms or Dr or some other title. I've actually found I have the opposite problem, where companies send me correspondence with the title "Ms" even though I put Mrs on any forms or letters I send. It also quite annoys me when I introduce my DH as my husband and people persist in calling him my partner. I chose to get married and being a wife is an important part of my identity that I would like to have acknowledged. I like being "Mrs DH's name" although I do draw the line at being called "Mrs Dh's first name Dh's second name," as I haven't actually changed my first name at all.

AIBU to expect companies and professionals to use the title I've actually selected rather than the PC catch-all one?

OP posts:
Original poster
WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 12:42

Of course the title should read "proud of being A wife"

OP posts:
coldtits · 01/02/2011 12:44

Why? It's not an acheivement, is it?

StuffingGoldBrass · 01/02/2011 12:44

I agree that everyone should be addressed by the title they prefer but aren't there bigger and better things to be proud of than being married?

PuppyMonkey · 01/02/2011 12:45

What are you proud of? Bagging a man?

fotheringhay · 01/02/2011 12:47

I'm sorry, but the opposite argument - why should a woman's marital status be apparent in her name when a man's isn't - is just too compelling.

So I'm afraid YABU.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/02/2011 12:48

I'm not sure being a wife is part of my identity(!) but I do get a bit narked that marriage does not seem to be acknowledged, with the catch-all 'partner' being used as the cop out. I'm certainly DH's partner in crime, but we also made a legal commitment to each other which appears not to be fashionable anymore, and I'd kind of like that to be reflected.

When we had the DCs the midwives kept talking about 'partners', and DH (rather cheekily) asked "what about spouses"? One midwife in particular got a bit ratty, because not all 'her ladies' have husbands. Sod those who do? Hmm

StuffingGoldBrass · 01/02/2011 12:50

Look, whether or not someone is married is only relevant or of interest to other people if they are assessing that person for tax purposes or interested in having sex with that person.
Otherwise, why on earth should anyone else be expected to care?

PuppyMonkey · 01/02/2011 12:51

Yes but the legal commitment means naff all these days. You can get a divorce very easily. Partners is just a word, you can get over it if you try really hard.

LeQueen · 01/02/2011 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 12:53

I'm proud of my family, proud that I've made a commitment to someone and I don't want it devalued. It seems to fashionable at the moment to look down on marriage, but I do see it as an achievement in the sense that I have put in time and effort into making a home with someone, making a family with them and I value that more than any other thing I've done in my life. I agree with what you said Maisie, everything seems to be geared towards those who aren't married on the assumption that you can be ignored if you are married. Also the fact that I'm proud of being married appears to be scoffed at, as if it's somehow pathetic.

OP posts:
Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/02/2011 12:54

"You can get a divorce very easily?

Really? I would imagine that the majority of couples, especially if they have children, don't find divorce particularly easy at all.

Marriage and the legal framework is more about getting a divorce though

PuppyMonkey · 01/02/2011 12:55

I'm also proud of my family and proUd of the commitment I've made to my DP for the past 17 years. We're not married though.

thewook · 01/02/2011 12:56

Proud of being a wife, seriously??? Don't get it, why are you? What special skills does it take? Who does it benefit? How does it improve the world or inspire others? Hmm

Being me is a serious part of my identity. Being a wife is NOT! It's particularly irritating to be addressed as 'Mrsmyhusband's name' as if I am not even real except in relation to him.

Each to their own OP, I don't think YABU, I just think YABabitpathetic and need to find some more important things to worry about. And some more important things to be proud of too. Seriously.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 01/02/2011 12:57

PMSL and nodding at brassy.
I am (very happily) wed to Mr Kreecher. I don't get fussed if someone asks me if I am his partner. It really doesn't matter.

ILikeMilk · 01/02/2011 12:57

But PuppyMonkey do you like still being addressed as Miss after so many years with your partner?

KnittedBreast · 01/02/2011 12:58

I like that you are proud of being his wife but many people and companies dont want to offend those who are not married or assume as much and so will call you his partner.

I know a few people who hate beign referred to as his anything, and his mrs has connatations of being kept. i think this is all this is to do with and isnt anything personal against you?

togarama · 01/02/2011 12:58

You can be proud of whatever you like. You can ask to be addressed however you like and others should respect it (within reason).

I think most of us who object to be called "Mrs" rather than "Ms" feel that way because we don't think our marital status is anyone else's business.

I also get annoyed because it often shows that staff working for companies who have been given my details are too lazy or stupid to read what is on their screens, or input it correctly to their systems in the first place.

MotherMountainGoat · 01/02/2011 12:58

If you want to take your husband's name and call yourself Mrs. that's your business - there are enough practical reasons for sharing a surname as a family (although we've chosen not to do so and never found it a problem). But why on earth do you feel you have to call yourself Mrs to make yourself feel good? You are a person in your own right, not just an appendage to your husband (and defining yourself primarily as a 'wife' does this). TBH you sound a bit Stepford-wives-like.

frgr · 01/02/2011 12:58

I don't understand why you are so strongly advertising the fact that you are married. Inappropriate and just strange in general. Do you do this at work?

I wrote to an insurance company 3 weeks ago, my complaint is being handled by Mrs. X Y - god knows why she thought it was relevant to tell me she's married on the response letter. BUT - even though I'm a Ms and have been since the age of 12 - I do believe it's more appropriate to call someone as they wish to be called.

Default to Ms, then change if corrected, I always think is best.

So, you are NBU to expect to be called the thing you've asked for. But I do think that your choice is an odd one, and I always think that the ferociously strong "look I've bagsied me a man" attitude is usually from women who haven't got anything else to be proud of.

thewook · 01/02/2011 12:59

I don't mean more important than working at a relationship or raising children OP, I think we're all agreed on the value of those things- but being a wife???

Hullygully · 01/02/2011 12:59

Get a big hat and emblazon I Am A Wife on it and then no one will ever be in any doubt.

LeQueen · 01/02/2011 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PuppyMonkey · 01/02/2011 12:59

Nobody ever calls me Miss.

Hullygully · 01/02/2011 12:59

I am extremely proud of my feet and I would like them acknowledged.

ILikeMilk · 01/02/2011 13:00

Wow, so now it is "inappropriate and strange" to mention you are married?