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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be proud of being and wife and to want to be acknowledged as such?

945 replies

WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 12:41

I've read quite a few posts on MN from people who are annoyed, and quite rightly so, at being called "Mrs" when they're actually a Ms or Dr or some other title. I've actually found I have the opposite problem, where companies send me correspondence with the title "Ms" even though I put Mrs on any forms or letters I send. It also quite annoys me when I introduce my DH as my husband and people persist in calling him my partner. I chose to get married and being a wife is an important part of my identity that I would like to have acknowledged. I like being "Mrs DH's name" although I do draw the line at being called "Mrs Dh's first name Dh's second name," as I haven't actually changed my first name at all.

AIBU to expect companies and professionals to use the title I've actually selected rather than the PC catch-all one?

OP posts:

ILikeMilk · 01/02/2011 13:40

Oh Gleekfreak, I was just thinking about the "mum" thing! Makes me cringe every single time!

fotheringhay · 01/02/2011 13:41

If "Ms" and "partner" were used to cover all women/relationships, it would be a lot easier for the children of unmarried parents.

Topspin · 01/02/2011 13:41

Going through a wedding ceremony does say something about commitment if you've gone to some trouble, yes, but so does living as a family for 25 years, surely.

There's no right or wrong, here, and I don't think any more or less of people who have chosen to get married but it does irk me when their choices are held up as somehow more grounded than mine.

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 13:42

Nasty, LeQueen. As it happens I'm married, but have absolutely no concern as to whether I'm called Ms or Mrs. I do think people who have an issue with Ms obviously want their marital status to be known to strangers. But why?????? It smacks of someone who thinks 'being a wife' is something to show off about and makes them superiour to single people.

ILikeMilk · 01/02/2011 13:43

but it does irk me when their choices are held up as somehow more grounded than mine.
SO maybe its the right time to get married? hehe

Topspin · 01/02/2011 13:43

But I still fail to see why my name should reflect my marital status! Would men like to be called Mr or Master according to whether they were married?

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 13:44

I'm sure a lot of people would feel put out if they were referred to as their children's "guardian" instead of their mum or dad. Titles do have meaning and resonance and to me the title of wife signifies something important in my life. I'm not proud of being any old wife lol I'm proud of being DH's wife. He's a great man that I admire hugely and the fact that he chose me to have a family with is hugely important to me and a source of great pride. I could be anyone's partner if I chose to be but being someone's wife is different and want that to be part of my title.

OP posts:

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 13:44

NikonNelly

Haven't a clue what you're saying .

spongefingerssavedmylife · 01/02/2011 13:44

Topspin - they probably would, if they were married!

greatauntbetty · 01/02/2011 13:44

Oh, so thats why my MIL though I wasn't committed to the now MrB. We had been together 10 years, bought and sold houses together, I had given up my life in one part of the country to move to another for his job and had a child with him but because I hadn't signed on the dotted line, I wasn't committed. Thanks for clearing that up for me sponge.

Marriage is a tricky one - personally I view it as an outdated property transaction in which there is a subtle reinforcing of the patriarchal society. But then, I am a bit mad . For a lot of people, it is a beautiful thing to publicly declare your love and commitment to someone and your intention to spend the rest of your life with them, which is slightly boak but maybe I'm just jealous that cynicism spoils it for me.

But I think the OP wanted to know if she is entitled to be called the name she has chosen. Why shouldn't she be called Mrs if she wants to?

mutznutz · 01/02/2011 13:45

I'm proud of being my Husband's wife...because he's lovely.

I wouldn't necessarily be proud to be anyone else's though...or indeed just A wife in general.

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 13:45

But 'guardian' would be inaccurate. Ms just means you're a female and doesn't denote married or single. What's the problem with that?

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 13:47

Spongefingers
You sound like you would love to go back to the days when single women were known as 'spinsters' and addressed as 'Miss' and married women looked down on them pityingly. Why on earth does it matter to people whether an envelope says Ms or Mrs. 'Oh no, the electricity board thinks I'm single. aaaaghh!!!'

seeker · 01/02/2011 13:47

"Does wanting to be called Ms smack of desperation to hide your status? Not revealing if you are single/divorced/lesbian/have a partner but not married."

No. It smacks of desperation not to have my identity defined by my marital status.

I am a heterosexual woman in a committed longterm relationship. But I see no reason why the name I am called by the window cleaner should reflect this!

mrsruffallo · 01/02/2011 13:47

I think it's strange to be proud of being married.

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 13:48

BTW I don't feel superior to anyone else, and the fact that anyone would see my desire to be called Mrs as indication of me feeling superior only reflects their own insecurities. My DH likes to be know as Dr, and he has every right to that. It doesn't make me feel like he's superior to me because I'm not a Dr.

OP posts:

thewook · 01/02/2011 13:48

I just do not understand and have never understood why, given the choice, people would want to take their husband's name and be a Mrs him, and be proud to do so. UNLESS your original name was hideous or embarrassing in some way.

Been with partner for nearly twenty years, have two kids, married for ten, but tbh I regret getting married in a way as it was so unnecessary - it changes nothing about the level of commitment and tbh makes me feel a bit owned and trapped- more than the giant mortgage, the two dcs, I don't know why, can't put my finger on it, just feel it's no one else's business and we don't need any paper to show what we have and don't have.

Plus, saying you're proud of your wifeliness just does seem little woman ish to me. I was brought up to believe that a woman is a woman in her own right, and not the possession of any man.

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 13:48

greatauntbetty

I think a lot of people just use Ms because it covers all situations and people's lives can be somewhat tricky nowadays. 'Ms' offends no one (or so I thought).

StuffingGoldBrass · 01/02/2011 13:49

Look, OP, the reason that all the sensible people are a bit at your OP is that it suggests that the most important thing about a woman is whether or not she is a particular man's property. The reason a lot of women use Ms and the reason why anyone with any manners uses Ms as the default (and only amends it if asked) is because there is something inherently wrong with defining women by their marital status when men are not so defined. Your marriage is your business/problem. The marital status of any gay/lesbian/trans individual is his/her business/problem. MY marital status is my business and it irritates me far more that some companies and organisations will not accept 'Ms' as a title or will make a big fuss over it when they have no need to know my marital status anyway.

NikonNelly · 01/02/2011 13:50

Swan I am in no way 'showing off' that I am married. I am married, I want to be addressed as such. That is where its ends. I don't care if others live together, don't live together, commit to each other, don't commit to each other, I couldn't care less. But I am married, it is important to me why should I be looked down on because of it? Why should I hide it by calling myself 'Ms'.

I'm prepared to see it from the otherside, marriage isn't for everyone and thankfully we live in a society where you can be a strong, independent woman, with no need for a man.

So why can't those of you who insist on being a 'Ms' see that I want to be called Mrs DH-surname, I like it, its who I am. I'm still the woman I was, but I now call myself something different. It isn't a weakness, it isn't showing off. It is what it is - my name.

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 13:51

Is there are specific criterion by which you judge whether it is appropriate to feel proud of something or not? Does something I'm proud of have to earn me money in order to be legitimate? I'm proud of being married because it's something special and wonderful in my life that I have worked very hard at (sometimes very very hard lol) and that has resulted in a happy home and a beautiful DS. I can't think of any better reasons to be proud of something tbh.

OP posts:

LeQueen · 01/02/2011 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spongefingerssavedmylife · 01/02/2011 13:52

I was called Miss 'till I got married - aren't most people? [sceptical].

I just don't understand why if you are happy with your status you don't just use Miss / Mrs? And other people should definatley call you what you want. Eg if someone is a "ms" I don't understand it really but I certainly wouldn't start calling them Miss. Although I do find Ms difficult to pronounce and think is would be better spelt as 'Muzz'.

Bucharest · 01/02/2011 13:52

Have you not done much else in your life then WoD?

You could perhaps go to night school and get some certificates?

Ephiny · 01/02/2011 13:53

Obviously people can choose whatever name/title they prefer, but I do use Mr/Ms as the default as that just seems polite. And sorry but I do find it a bit precious when people insist on being called Mrs or Dr (unless in medical/academic contexts in the latter case of course).

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