To be proud of being and wife and to want to be acknowledged as such?

[WriterofDreams]

I've read quite a few posts on MN from people who are annoyed, and quite rightly so, at being called "Mrs" when they're actually a Ms or Dr or some other title. I've actually found I have the opposite problem, where companies send me correspondence with the title "Ms" even though I put Mrs on any forms or letters I send. It also quite annoys me when I introduce my DH as my husband and people persist in calling him my partner. I chose to get married and being a wife is an important part of my identity that I would like to have acknowledged. I like being "Mrs DH's name" although I do draw the line at being called "Mrs Dh's first name Dh's second name," as I haven't actually changed my first name at all.

AIBU to expect companies and professionals to use the title I've actually selected rather than the PC catch-all one?

It seems strange that your pride in being a married woman extends to taking offense at the odd letter with 'ms' written on.
Did you never think yourself worthy of marriage?
Or where you one of those girls who dreamed about it throughout childhood? (boak)

Chillout

Oh yes, all married women need a night school certificate to be proud of. :)

My point Nikon is that people getting upset when they get a letter addressed to Ms instead of Mrs seem to think it's a big deal that they are known to be married by complete strangers. No one is hiding their marital status by being addressed as Ms. Ms means a female, married, unmarried, divorced, separated whatever. Why is it such a big deal to be called that?? Surely your friends and colleagues know you're married? Why does it matter whether the postman or the man sending you your bank statement does?

swan most of them are probably desperately trying not to offend. On one hand, they have people like me who when asked 'are you Mrs ?' get told that no, my MIL lives elsewhere... Actually, have never said that but have come close. Must have been in a bad mood that day! And on the other hand, people like the OP are offended if not referred to as Mrs . So they can't win really.

I have stuck with Miss - its what I was born with and see no reason to change it. Although does cause confusion when they see the wedding ring. I guess I don't go with the Ms thing as like everything it has connotations (at least for some) so I feel more comfortable sticking with my name.

"I just don't understand why if you are happy with your status you don't just use Miss / Mrs?"

Plenty of reasons already explained in this thread. Topspin Tue 01-Feb-11 13:43:43, for starters - short and simple.

I am guessing she didn't invite strangers to her wedding, which is more to the point

Sponge

Why can't all females just be called Ms?
I cannot remember the last time I called anyone Miss and only call older women Mrs.

I'm not my DH's possession. I am his wife. He is my husband. We are a family. I would be so upset if my sister introduced me as her friend rather than as her sister, as the family bond is important to me. In the same way I like DH to refer to me as his wife as that shows our family bond. And in the same way my being Mrs Writer shows our family bond too. BTW if a company uses Ms as a default I really don't mind. What annoys me is when I clearly state I'm a Mrs and they just ignore it.

"If you don't want people to know that you're married did you not invite anyone to your wedding then?"

LQ, is it easier to perpetuate the idea that women using Ms. are just doing it for privacy reasons, or spite ("why should I tell you if I'm married or not")? Perhaps the issue is more complex than that?

Have you actually read any of the well articulated responses on here, or is it just too hard to respond to Topspin Tue 01-Feb-11 13:43:43, for example?

I get the irritation at not being called what you ask to be called. I'm married, and known as Miss [maiden name]. I don't mind being asked about it, but I very much do mind people ignoring what I tell them and calling me what they seem to think I should be called.

I do also (mostly) get the idea of being proud of your marriage or your spouse, but I don't think I'm proud of being married per se. It's hardly an unusual achievement.

I think it would be interesting to know the actual RL proportions of women using the Miss/Mrs/Ms. I would imagine 'Ms' would be a minority (I don't know any) so it seems odd to use that as the default title.

WriterofDreams what do they call you at work?
In teaching, every woman is 'Miss' forever, as in 'Miiiiiiissssss, Miiiiiissssss'

Yea, and some have been married four or five times, so they are obviously far more committed to marriage than you are. You have only done it once, fgs

The "contempt" isn't for "being a wife" it's for defining youself as "a wife"....does your husband define himself by being a husband?

Is he Mrs WriterofDreams too? No. He's MR. So nobody can ever "admire" his maritul status can they?

Swan The point is that others are allowed to be annoyed when they get called Miss/Mrs when they want to be called 'Ms' as they consider 'Ms' to be their name/title of choice so why am I not allowed to be the teeniest be disgruntled when I get called 'Ms' and I want to be called 'Mrs'??

Swan - kind of rude to call 'older' women Mrs just because they are old!

I dont mind Ms/Mrs/Miss. Its the word "partner" I dont like.

I dont think it matters much whether you are Ms, Mrs etc.
However i think saying that you are proud of being a wife is like saying - I bagged a man and am so proud of myself as this proves I am much better than those poor single ladies out there.

I am married and generally refer to myself as Ms, not particularly proud of being married but am rather proud that, to date, I have not yet killed my husband.

I do wonder though are my single friends currently skiing in Chamonix proud of their single status and disposable incomes. I bet they are bloody delighted!! (not bitter at all, typing while waiting for potatoes to boil while 2 year old kicks door as I wont give her treats)

NikonNelly you should be proud to be called 'Ms'- it means the person involved is treating you with respect and politeness, and not making any assumptions one way or the other about you other than that you are female. Just the same respect and politeness as all men are afforded every single day, in fact.

The snidey tones of some of the posts indicates some sort of sensitivity about this topic. People seem to think I'm not allowed to feel this way, and usually when people put your feelings down it's because they have their own strong feelings about the issue. I do think it is de rigeur now to see marriage as a bit pointless and the way I'm being ridiculed for the importance it carries for me indicates to me a sort of hostility to the institution for some reason.

BTW I have a first class degree and a first class postgrad, neither of which is more important than my family. The implication that I should be proud of academic achievements but can't be proud of my family situation is a bit weird and sad to me.

Why would you want to be called MRS though...I don't get it

It's not about my marital status in itself, Lady, which is no one's business but mine and the taxman, as SGB says. It's a more general (perhaps feminist) point that I get to define myself, not them.

Sometimes people should just do as you f*&$ing tell them, which people are very bad at doing where women are concerned. Like if you introduce yourself as Catherine, it is not acceptable for your interlocutor to decide to call you Katie. Nothing wrong with Katie, but it is not how you have indicated you want to be addressed.