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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disappointed in my mum?

167 replies

macdoodle · 31/01/2011 17:15

Am not sure really, I have very little expectation of her, she was a rubbish mum growing up, but we do get on fine now and she loves my DD's.

She is in her early 60's, relatively fit, lives alone, doesnt work, no commitments.

I am single parent to 2 girls, I live about a 3hour drive away. I never ask for help, she never offers. She does however come for a week in the summer, and 1-2 weeks over xmas. She does have the girls when I am at work 2-3 days a week, but if I ask if she minds if I go out in the evening while she is here, she does catbum face, so I never do.
I appreciate it when she does come.

Anyway, this weekend, an ex boyfriend is coming to my town.We ended things all a bit up in the air, and I would really like to be able to spend some proper time with him, without the children, sorting things out one way or another.

So with much misgiving I asked my mum if she would please come and help on the weekend, really only wanting her to have the children saturday and saturday night, we would take them all out for lunch on sunday, and then maybe sunday night. She would go home on monday.

She has made catbum face on the phone, and said she really doesnt "fancy" the drive. And also it is the first week she will be looking after my sister's baby one day a week (on wednesday) all day as my sis is going back to work. She looks after my sisters baby usually about once a week anyway.

I cant quite work out AIBU? I have such low expectations of her anyway :(

OP posts:
putthekettleon · 31/01/2011 17:19

Sounds to me like she does quite a lot for you already! So yes YABU, sorry. Can't you get a babysitter or can't he come round once the kids are in bed?

Sickofthesnow · 31/01/2011 17:20

She travels a 3 hour drive to have your girls while you are working 2-3 days a week? And you're complaining that she won't do the 3 hour drive so you can go out for the weekend with an ex while she watches them?

thefurryone · 31/01/2011 17:21

Do you spend time with her when you don't want her to look after your children?

Perhaps she feels like you only ask her to come and stay when you want some free childcare.

DanJARMouse · 31/01/2011 17:22

I read that as the mum has the children in the summer and at christmas, not every week.

I dont know what to say really, as I know full well that my inlaws wouldnt have done it for us, when we lived 20mins away let alone 3hrs.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/01/2011 17:23

no and yes

No you are not being unreasonable to wish she wanted to help

yes you are being unreasonable to expect that she ought to.

Because she doesn't have to. You've no entitlement.

I think it's pretty crap when families don't want to be there to support each other but I understand that they don't have to be and if your relatives don't want to help you, then it's just tough luck. That's the harsh truth of it.

Does your sister live close by? Maybe that's why she's more hands on. It could be as simple as punishing you for not living close (some people are like that)

Anyway, it really doesn't matter why. The fact is she doesn't want to and you can't force her to. And really do you want to force someone to help you out if all the time they do catsbum face at you?

Gemsy83 · 31/01/2011 17:23

You say she never helps and you dont ask yet she looks after the kids 2-3 times a week? Whaaaaattt?

PiggyMad · 31/01/2011 17:23

I read your post that your mum looks after your dds when she is staying with you 3 times a year - is that right?
3 hours is a long drive, so I can understand her reluctance, but I can understand why you feel a bit let down - especially as she has your sister's baby. That's the problem with living away from family though I suppose.

alicet · 31/01/2011 17:24

If she looks after your daughters 2-3 days a week while you work and helps out 2-3 weeks a year I think your mum is actually doing a lot to help you and YABU to expect her to come this weekend - I can totally understand why you need some child free time but your Mum is entitled to say no!

What about your dds dad / a friend / pay for a babysitter? Or ask your ex over once they are asleep to talk it through.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/01/2011 17:25

I read it that she comes once over the summer for a week and once over christmas and while there on those 2 occasions annually, looks after the children for 2 or 3 days.

So that's what? 4 or 6 days a year.

That's all she wants to do, you have to accept that. Doesn't mean you don't feel hurt that she seems to do so much for your sister but like I say, if your sister lives close by, that's going to make a difference.

christmasmum · 31/01/2011 17:25

I assume she means 2-3 days a week over the 2 weeks she's there in the summer? Maybe not...

alicet · 31/01/2011 17:26

Cross posted with everyone else - if I have misunderstood and she helps for 2-3 days a week for 3 weeks a year then that makes you less unreasonable.

What hecate said

christmasmum · 31/01/2011 17:26

x-post, sorry...

solo · 31/01/2011 17:26

Now I read it that way to putthekettleon, but then I thought it must be just when the grand mother is there over holidays and not every week as that would be unreasonable IMO.

If I'm right in that, then YANBU, but if she does make the trip every week to do childcare, then yes YABU.

Gemsy83 · 31/01/2011 17:26

I think its a bit off to expect a parent to mind your kids while you hook up with a bloke tbh...I know its hard being a single mum (been there done that) but shipping the kids off so you can have a dalliance is a bit wrong imvho.

solo · 31/01/2011 17:26

*too

Original poster
macdoodle · 31/01/2011 17:27

She helps out ONE week in the summer and ONE week at xmas! Not all year, so MAX 6 days a year. While she is here, I always take some time off so we can do stuff together, I spend every single evening in the house with her watching her bloody soaps for hours on end, and then watching her snore on the settee.
Ok I guess IAMBU for expecting her to want to help me, give me a break sometime, or maybe just want me to have some happiness.

I can tell you that I will make damn sure I am there for my children when they need me.

OP posts:
compo · 31/01/2011 17:28

He can come when the kids are there and then once they're in bed you can chat
is your ex their dad?

Gemsy83 · 31/01/2011 17:28

If she lived 5 minutes away i'd agree but not three hours!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/01/2011 17:28

expecting = always unreasonable
hoping, wishing, feeling sad = entirely reasonable

onehotmomma · 31/01/2011 17:28

wtf your mum has them 2-3 days a week and your disappointed she won't have them over night saturday? bloody hell does your mum ever get a break from babysitting?. You should think yourself very lucky imo

HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/01/2011 17:29

She DOESN'T have them every week!!

NancyDrewHasaClue · 31/01/2011 17:29

I also read the post as your mum looks after the children 2/3 days for those 2/3 weeks per year that she stays.

Look you know how these threads go on AIBU - you will be told to wind your neck in by both those that have pretty much FT free childcare off their parents and also by those who will tell you you don't know how lucky you are as their Parents IL's have never lifted a finger in all the years....

FWIW I can totally understand why you are disappointed. I don't understand how a mother cannot want to help her DD out especially when you don't ask very often.

compo · 31/01/2011 17:29

You take time off while she's here but she also looks after them while your at work. You've changed your story Grin

HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/01/2011 17:30

I would imagine that means that she works some days and takes some off. So if she normally works 5 days, she perhaps has 2 days off and works the other 3 - those 3 being the 3 that the mother looks after the children.

Bloody hell, you lot are nit-picking Grin

onehotmomma · 31/01/2011 17:31

Right from your op it looks like she has them 2-3 days a week.

As others have said you should never expect her to have your children just be very grateful that she occassionally does. I know it's hard and I haven't had a break in a long time but that was my choice when I had kids

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