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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be disappointed in my mum?

167 replies

macdoodle · 31/01/2011 17:15

Am not sure really, I have very little expectation of her, she was a rubbish mum growing up, but we do get on fine now and she loves my DD's.

She is in her early 60's, relatively fit, lives alone, doesnt work, no commitments.

I am single parent to 2 girls, I live about a 3hour drive away. I never ask for help, she never offers. She does however come for a week in the summer, and 1-2 weeks over xmas. She does have the girls when I am at work 2-3 days a week, but if I ask if she minds if I go out in the evening while she is here, she does catbum face, so I never do.
I appreciate it when she does come.

Anyway, this weekend, an ex boyfriend is coming to my town.We ended things all a bit up in the air, and I would really like to be able to spend some proper time with him, without the children, sorting things out one way or another.

So with much misgiving I asked my mum if she would please come and help on the weekend, really only wanting her to have the children saturday and saturday night, we would take them all out for lunch on sunday, and then maybe sunday night. She would go home on monday.

She has made catbum face on the phone, and said she really doesnt "fancy" the drive. And also it is the first week she will be looking after my sister's baby one day a week (on wednesday) all day as my sis is going back to work. She looks after my sisters baby usually about once a week anyway.

I cant quite work out AIBU? I have such low expectations of her anyway :(

OP posts:

Original poster

macdoodle · 02/02/2011 00:32

scottishmummy the reason I ask if you have been drinking, is because of your posting style. Which does not seem like your normal style, it seems very disjointed and not quite making sense, poor grammar and sentence structure.

Not because you didn't agree with me, lots didn't agree with me, I didnt think they'd been drinking.

OP posts:

Original poster

macdoodle · 02/02/2011 00:32

I'm not drinking no. I am tired though so am off to bed.

OP posts:

fit2drop · 02/02/2011 01:07

As a Grandma can I just add a 2p worth.

Love my grandkids..all of them , however I am at an age when it really is tiring to have to deal with the energy of kids for more than a few hrs on an evening when they are probably (hopefully) tired out from the days activities. Occasionally I could manage a day, but would not volunteer unless it was an emergency. I do work, 2 jobs and that tires me too but my weekends are free so I could if I am honest look after them.
Truth is I dont want to because

A/ I dont have the physical energy to cope, but no way would admit that to my kids. They do not need to know how aging is , well,.... aging me. But I know that they have enough respect for me to take any refusal I give for any situation as my choice, my right and leave it at that.

B/ It would not be fair on the children to have them for more than a few hours. Children need to be active

C/ No way would I travel a 3 hr journey to then have to be responsible for the safety of a child when I would be knackered and probably fall asleep.How nice for the kids would that be.

I really do not understand the OP hostility towards her mum , though I do understand the frustrations of needing sitters etc, been there and done it for years when I was a single parent.

However OP if your mum would be happy to have them at her house, you could drive them to hers as a previous poster suggested, Take that part away and it may not seem quite such a task for your mum to take on.

Apart from that, you say you work so you must have childminders, could that not be an option?

Or maybe if this is about sorting out your relationship with the ex, just maybe the children should be about . To get the full picture of what it will be like when you are all together.Cos if you do reconcile then the kids are a very very important part of that.

peace x

fit2drop · 02/02/2011 01:14

Oh and just to add to my post YANBU to be disappointed with mums choice

BUT ,... YABU, to be disappointed in your mum for asserting her right of having a choice .

scottishmummy · 02/02/2011 10:35

you have right to ask, and gran has right to decline.and somewhere inbetween you both have to allow adequate room for individual preferences and choices.

midori1999 · 02/02/2011 11:04

Whilst I appreciate what people are saying, I think you have been given an unreasonably hard time OP.

My Mum wasn't a dreadful Mum, but has always maintained she's 'had her children, doesn't want to look after mine' even when I had PND and my partner left me at 19 and I really needed help.

When I had my twins earlier this year and one died at 15 minutes old, the other in NICU with a tiny chance of making it, I had to ring my Mum to tell her and also ask if she could come over and help with my other DC so that DH and I could visit our baby girl in NICU freely and also make funeral arrangements. I was terrified of asking her in case she said now. Now, of course, she was under no obligation to come and help me, but I wonder how many people would have though I was BU if I had been annoyed/upset that she wouldn't in those circumstances? As it was, she did come and help and stayed for several weeks. It actually made her realise that she loves spending time with my DC and what she has been missing out on all these years.

It's not unreasonable for you to want some time to yourself at all. Is there another friend who can help you out maybe, or as people have said, could your Mum have them at her house? Maybe if she did her and your sister could share the care?

Aims80 · 02/02/2011 11:28

God there's some right weirdos on this site!

Macdoodle, I'd feel disappointed in your shoes too. That's all I have to say on the matter!

Foreverondiet · 02/02/2011 12:02

Its up to her really. If she doesn't fancy the drive that's up to her. You weren't being unreasonable to ask, but she wasn't being unreasonable to say no. Its a long drive - why not offer to take the DC to hers and then pick them up?

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2011 12:49

I don't understand the hostility to the OP. Her mum left her when she was still, to all intents and purposes, a child. She has still tried to forge a relationship with her when many on here wouldn't have bothered.
She has asked for help for one extra weekend - hardly onerous.
As I said previously, I would be sad that I saw so little of my gc so I would jump at the chance. The OP's mother thinks differently; fair enough.
But the OP is more than reasonable in being disappointed.

And I wish more people would read the bloomin' posts before wading in!

monkeyflippers · 02/02/2011 13:13

Hi, I haven't read all the messages as it would take me ages but I understand where you are coming from OP.

I think maybe you are pushing your luck trying to get 2 nights babysitting though, maybe just aim for 1.

I don't have family to help but my PILs are always very reluctant and it's really upsetting. Especially when I see them looking after their other grandchhildren all the time.

I don't know what the answer is to inequality, I really don't!

ecuse · 02/02/2011 15:38

God people are horrible. Of course YANBU to be disappointed. It's not an unreasonable thing to ask, or hope she would say yes to. You've asked her down for the weekend to see you and asked her to spend SOME of the time looking after your kids - and the rest of the time you've clearly said you'll spend together, take her out to lunch etc.

And it's not unreasonable to want a bit of adult, uninterrupted time to have a serious discussion with someone about your future together. Whether or not that involves shagging, it's obvious that it's something that needs time and privacy for you both to discuss.

You know your mum is not obliged to say yes, but you haven't been throwing your toys out of the pram about this, more expressing sadness that this is the latest manifestation in a long string of let-downs.

Sounds like an important weekend coming up, I really hope things work out the way you want with your ex. Best of luck.

Original poster

macdoodle · 02/02/2011 21:23

Hooray :) She's coming :) I think my sister must have said something though they both deny it, she says she just wants to help :) (that sounds like my sister), but I'm not complaining !!
She asked if ex would check her car for her as she doesnt know how to do oil/water/tyres - so I'll get him to check her car and fill her tank which will more than cover petrol here and back, with some left over!
It means I can relax a bit with ex, we will take them all out on sunday, and I will have friday night with her before he arrives.
Am feeling much happier :) And very grateful!

OP posts:

ecuse · 02/02/2011 21:47

Really pleased for you, hope you have a great weekend

fit2drop · 02/02/2011 22:09

Im happy for you that it is sorted.

and you know what..........

How blood lovely to see so many :) in one post..

How refreshing

Fair made me smile lotsly :)

scottishmummy · 02/02/2011 22:23

all the glistening :o pack it in or kiera knightley will show up gushing

NeedCoffee · 02/02/2011 22:50

Great news, very happy for you :) Hope all goes well with ex too :)

Mssoul · 04/02/2011 11:19

Yay - have fun

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