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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disappointed in my mum?

167 replies

macdoodle · 31/01/2011 17:15

Am not sure really, I have very little expectation of her, she was a rubbish mum growing up, but we do get on fine now and she loves my DD's.

She is in her early 60's, relatively fit, lives alone, doesnt work, no commitments.

I am single parent to 2 girls, I live about a 3hour drive away. I never ask for help, she never offers. She does however come for a week in the summer, and 1-2 weeks over xmas. She does have the girls when I am at work 2-3 days a week, but if I ask if she minds if I go out in the evening while she is here, she does catbum face, so I never do.
I appreciate it when she does come.

Anyway, this weekend, an ex boyfriend is coming to my town.We ended things all a bit up in the air, and I would really like to be able to spend some proper time with him, without the children, sorting things out one way or another.

So with much misgiving I asked my mum if she would please come and help on the weekend, really only wanting her to have the children saturday and saturday night, we would take them all out for lunch on sunday, and then maybe sunday night. She would go home on monday.

She has made catbum face on the phone, and said she really doesnt "fancy" the drive. And also it is the first week she will be looking after my sister's baby one day a week (on wednesday) all day as my sis is going back to work. She looks after my sisters baby usually about once a week anyway.

I cant quite work out AIBU? I have such low expectations of her anyway :(

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 01/02/2011 23:10

no you expect a 3hr drive at your behest.unnecessary when you have option of paying for childcare where gran doesnt have to accommodate you. no one not even gran has responsibility or duty to accommodate your childcare - thats down to you

as solvent responsible adult,stop assuming and opining about gran.if is such significant and emotional meeting better book some childcare

JingleMum · 01/02/2011 23:10

YANBU

your mum obviously loves you and your kids, but isn't that excited about the practical stuff. i guess a long weekend seems a bit much for her.

i believe that families should help and support eachother as long as the piss is not being taken.

i always feel slightly apologetic when asking my mum to have my DD. it's her only grandchild and she loves her to bits but my mum works full time and i don't like to take the piss. i want her to enjoy my DD, not to feel like she's a chore.

have a fabulous weekend, you have every right to a life and a good time outside of the house.

Kewcumber · 01/02/2011 23:23

sorry would love to comment but am too Shock at the idea that a single parent might have the temerity to venture out of an evening to meet a man. And maybe even have sex Shock.

My mum would be so thrilled at the prospect of a halfway decent man in my life that DS would be whisked away to her house so fast his little feet wouldn;t touch the floor.

Onetoomanycornettos · 01/02/2011 23:24

Not about responsibilities or duties, you asked for a favour as you sometimes do of people who are supposed to love and care for you and she just blanked it. I think the thing is she never really helps you out, in any sense, and so this weekend (which could be make or break) symbolises that. I don't have any constructive suggestions, it's sad when people can't be bothered to help out their families but it is very common (I don't get the impression she has a good reason, other than she just doesn't want to which is her perogative). It would be quite a big ask though, if your two are anything like mine (on the lively side) and I think in the future, you are better off making other plans as she isn't going to put herself out, sadly.

Pumpster · 01/02/2011 23:28

My parents live ten minutes away and have babysit once for me, that's once total - when I had just one child who is now 14.
So no sympathy from me I'm afraid!

scottishmummy · 01/02/2011 23:29

you're coming across as me-me princess.2-3times week gran accommodates your work commitments and you still whining?

you need to get a perspective,that she is engaged for you 2-3 time week and maybe that maxes her out,at 60+yo

by all means have active social life just dont assume or opine gran should cover it for you

Kewcumber · 01/02/2011 23:30

scottishmummy -2-3 times a week for the 2 weeks A YEAR that she visits Macdoodle. Not 2/3 times a week EVERY week.

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2011 23:33

scottishmummy - have you read the posts? Her mum looks after the children on the two occasions she visits the OP!
NOT 2-3 times a week.
And that has been repeatedly pointed out!

As a gran I don't think the OP was asking too much, but clearly not everyone thinks like me. (I'd be sorry I didn't see more of my gc, so I'd like the excuse...)

scottishmummy · 01/02/2011 23:36

nonetheless,as adult parent she needs to sort her childcare.like rest of us

ambivalent post-"She does have the girls when I am at work 2-3 days a week"

well op solvent,book childcare.chop chop.her mum is an autonomous adult with capacity and choices,that dont necessarily include having to babysit when asked.as unpalatable as op finds this- gran has a choice,shes not compelled by gran status to be free on tap childcare 3 hr drive away

Original poster
macdoodle · 01/02/2011 23:38

oh FFS was my OP that unclear??
Those who want to see bad and have a go seem to have purposefully misread it, while others somehow managed to read it correctly.
She does NOT (I REPEAT NOT!!!) look after my children every week, she does it TWICE A YEAR!
And xmas time is usually only the odd day or so, as either I am off work or ex has the girls. She gets fed, taken out, and spoilt when she is here.
My girls are actually not especially hard work, my 9yr old is a little star, very self suffucient and will help with her little sister.
Anyway, I updated to say, its fine, I have sorted it/made plans. Ex is happy as he will get to see the girls. I will spend the weekend running around like a headless chicken as always, which is what I was hoping to avoid.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 01/02/2011 23:42

look,stop expecting and sort childcare to facilitate your personal life.this is down to you.and only you,not a hope and prayer that gran could/would/should accommodate.she has no obligation to do so,only her goodwill and choice

and yes your post was ambivalent

this is not down to gran - is all down to you making adequare safe arrangements.

Original poster
macdoodle · 01/02/2011 23:42

I have no expectations of my mother, she was a crap mother when I was a child, including running off and leaving me and brother (age 15 and 12) with our abusive father.
I didnt see her or my sister again until I was 19 and had saved the money to fly out to them myself.
In fact was this thread has shown me is that I owe her nothing, and she should have no expectation of me. I will stop dragging the girls to her house to see her, stop buying her lovely thought out presents, stop phoning her so I can listen to her moan for an hour every few days. And when she is old and frail, I will certainly remind myself that she isn't entitled to any care or consideration from me Hmm

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 01/02/2011 23:44

if you have no expectations -why all the ire and widdle feetie stamping

you clearly have expectations.conscious or unconscious.hence your irascible posts

Original poster
macdoodle · 01/02/2011 23:49

Actually there has been no foot stamping or ire. My posts are all pretty calm and reasoned. My expectation is subconscious, just trying to work out why I was so disappointed.
I am certain that I will never behave like this towards my children, everything I do is aimed to give them better than I had, and not just in practical, financial terms, but in terms of stability and reliability. I will not let them down when they need me, and sadly I expect that of my own mother.

OP posts:
NeedCoffee · 01/02/2011 23:51

No, YANBU, it is rubbish when mums (and dads) can't help you out, just basically because they can't be arsed. It's not like she's at work all week is it. I've got a similar type of mum so know where you're coming from.

scottishmummy · 01/02/2011 23:54

lol.if you say so

lets ignore the
SadHmm many humphy faces
the ffs
thinking people seeing bad of you

yes siree you is cool as a cucumber about this

Chatelaine · 02/02/2011 00:00

Boy oh boy you have issues macdoodle, sounds as if scottishmummy has a point. Try to find a way of letting each other off the hook (understand your mum's life) and seek a bit of peace and forgiveness to build on for the future sake of your family.

cat64 · 02/02/2011 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LongtimeinBrussels · 02/02/2011 00:14

Bit OTT scottishmummy, no? Though I guess this is AIBU. Op is obviously disappointed that her mum doesn't want to help and who can blame her? I can't imagine not wanting to help my dcs out in the future. Of course she can pay for someone to do it but it's the underlying disappointment that shines through despite obviously having got used to it. She certainly doesn't come across as me-me princess!!

LongtimeinBrussels · 02/02/2011 00:15

One of those times though, cat64, is Christmas and she does that so as not to be alone. Not exactly for selfless reasons.

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/02/2011 00:18

Scottishmummy have you been drinking?? Hmm

I'm fine with AIBU, have been around long enough to know how these go Grin especially babysitting ones!

AIBU for expecting her to help, I guess yes. AIBU for being disappointed that she didnt want to help, no I dont think so.

Do I have issues?? Oh boy yes I do, no denying that here, thanks to my parents mostly, and also my XH. Did I think I had worked through them, actually I did, but I guess not, do we ever?

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 02/02/2011 00:21

I am most definitely not a princess, really I'm not. I am very independant, no nonsense, get on with it type. I very rarely ask for help, or put myself first, hence the disappointment when on the rare occasion I do, to get very little response at all. My mum knows what I'm like, so she knows if I'm asking it must be a pretty big deal for me.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 02/02/2011 00:21

ott is outpouring when expectation umnet,given she cites troubled past.3hr drive is demanding for anyone let alone a 60+yo

this isnt a if gran doesnt watch i have no one,she has alternative childcare,is solvent can access other options

fair play,yes have a make or break reconciliation with ex-lover but dont expect gran to step up to the plate after 3hr drive to facilitate it.and grumble when she wont do so

op by all means can ask
gran by all means can decline
expectation and obligation is where it gets emotionally murky

scottishmummy · 02/02/2011 00:25

is that a lame put down. i do my emails and work when dc asleep.its my only quiet time

do you assume anyone who disagrees with you is intoxicated - with that style of resolution you will come unstuck

you did drag your malaise across aibu.were you drinking macdoodle, are you intoxicated?

seeing you asked me?seems you consider that fair game

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/02/2011 00:29

scottishmummy - read the bloody thread before you wade in!

macdoodle - YANBU at all. I expect you've thought about counselling to come to terms with your mother - she sounds like the wobbly tooth you can't stop poking with your tongue.
I hope you manage to have a good weekend Wink