to be disappointed in my mum?

[macdoodle]

Am not sure really, I have very little expectation of her, she was a rubbish mum growing up, but we do get on fine now and she loves my DD's.

She is in her early 60's, relatively fit, lives alone, doesnt work, no commitments.

I am single parent to 2 girls, I live about a 3hour drive away. I never ask for help, she never offers. She does however come for a week in the summer, and 1-2 weeks over xmas. She does have the girls when I am at work 2-3 days a week, but if I ask if she minds if I go out in the evening while she is here, she does catbum face, so I never do.
I appreciate it when she does come.

Anyway, this weekend, an ex boyfriend is coming to my town.We ended things all a bit up in the air, and I would really like to be able to spend some proper time with him, without the children, sorting things out one way or another.

So with much misgiving I asked my mum if she would please come and help on the weekend, really only wanting her to have the children saturday and saturday night, we would take them all out for lunch on sunday, and then maybe sunday night. She would go home on monday.

She has made catbum face on the phone, and said she really doesnt "fancy" the drive. And also it is the first week she will be looking after my sister's baby one day a week (on wednesday) all day as my sis is going back to work. She looks after my sisters baby usually about once a week anyway.

I cant quite work out AIBU? I have such low expectations of her anyway :(

YABU to expect to offload your children on anyone for a long weekend tbh

Why not think in terms of getting a babysitter for an evening? Or even see if you can organise your girls to conveniently synchronise sleepovers with friends so you get a night off too?

But YABU to expect your mum to come and childmind for an entire weekend

Brightlights. She doesn't say she looks after them twice a week.

she says she comes over for a week in the summer and again at christmas. While there, she looks after the children for 2 or 3 days that week.

So it adds up to 4 to 6 days a year.

She hasn't said her mother has them every week.

Nancy I think the OP is BU because it's such a big ask, it's her whole weekend for a meet-up with an ex. Saturday til monday. I think it's a bit much and am surprised at how many think she is NBU.
Yes I'll help out my DD when she's older but can completely understand the mum not wanting to encourage this - as much because she probably cares about the DCs as anything. - it just doesn't sound good all round.

oh, my mistake - sorry i thought it was a bit mad

in that case YABalittlebitUR

I would be disappointed and I feel for you. Can't you find a babysitter?

Agree Paisley.

She may also be worried that it'll be the start of a slippery slope - if things work out with the ex, is she going to be called on every other weekend to provide free babysitting?

TBH, if the ex is worth knowing, he'll totally understand if OP says she can only get out for one evening, because she needs to use a babysitter. If he expects her to be able to offload her children from Friday to Monday, then is he really a good bet anyway?

Can't you drive them to your mums?

Maybe on the Friday evening, spend night with her, then sat night go home to see ex, then return lunch on Sunday to see her & get Dcs?

i tend to think that when you've had an ungenerous parent, you still hold out hope that things might change and you will, finally, get the parent you've always wanted (and is pretty reasonable to want). OP it sounds like this w/e is important to you and you were HOPING that your mum would just help out, for no good reason, going out of her way, the extra mile, just to GIVE. well, she's not like that but imo YANBU to hope she would be, just this once.

YABU

"She does have the girls when I am at work 2-3 days a week"

That is a heck of a lot of help! I am that you say she never offers to help.

I think it's lovely that she gives up two of her own days every week to help like this - it's a big thing to do, especially as she is in the stage of life where she's done her child rearing.

okay I kinda knew the way this would go !

NO NO NO she does not look after my DC every week, 2 weeks A YEAR, a few days A YEAR, I take some time off when she is here.
I never ever ask her to help any other time, EVER! We go there more often than she comes here, but she moans about feeding us, having us etc, even if I offer to buy food or take us out. Which I always do.

Actually I love my mum, she is just not so good at the practical stuff, never was, I was a very self sufficient child ! I just wish she wanted to help, for me to have a break, I never do :( I cant imagine not wanting to help my children, to make their lives a little happier, a little easier :(

As for the ex, she knows him quite well, he is NOT the father of my DC but we had a fairly long term relationship, she has met him many times and spent 2 xmas's with him. She likes him a lot, and was disappointed I broke it off. I would like to spend some time with him (yes maybe even overnight ), and with 2 children it would be easier if she was here.
If not, as always, I will make a plan, I will get a babysitter, he will come iover on the evening, we will take the kids out. Just not quite what I would like. Part of the problem with the relationship was never having time for just us, so this time I thought I would see if I could make the effort, ask for the help, put myself first for once. Guess that was were I went wrong.

For that very disapproving poster who thought I was very unreasonable for "offloading my children to hook up with a bloke", are you a single parent, do you not think single parents are allowed to have a life, a social life at all?? And if so would you suggest we take our DC along, how is asking my mum any worse than some random babysitter.

I always hate these threads, because there is no entitelment or expectation, just a sadness that the person you shoudl rely on most, who should want to be there, isnt :(

You are being reasonable to ask her but she is being reasonable to refuse

Hi OP. Just from another perspective - if she was a rubbish mum when you were growing up, why would you want her looking after your children now? Or has she undergone a radical personality transplant?

I do sympathise - my parents are both dead and I get very jealous of friends who have lots of help from their families. Not that I want them to struggle on their own, or anything like that, but because I am human!! You are only human in wishing that your mum would help you.

That said, looking after the kids for a whole weekend IS a bit much when you're in your 60s, I think.

Overall, YANBU. I bet your mum had lots of help when you were growing up. That's what families do. In an ideal world, anyway. It is certainly not unreasonable to want your family to be involved with your children, and to want them to want to help you. As others (and you) have already said, you will help your children out in the future ... that's because you're a loving and caring mum

Can you swap your kids with a friend and then do the same for her another time?

oh FFS, SHE DOES NOT HAVE MY CHILDREN EVERY WEEK, ONLY 2 WEEKS A YEAR, FOR A FEW DAYS.

Jeez

ok, I get it (read the thread now).

However, YA still BU - your mum has no obligation to look after your kids - that's your job - why don't you pay a babysitter when you need childminding?

The ex wont mind at all, he wants to see the children, I am not sure thats a good idea.

People won't listen, macdoodle. Save your breath Your beating is not over yet. Bend over dear.

What about if you offered to drop them off at her house, just for one night? That way she doesn't have to do the drive?

Or arrange simultaneous sleepovers for them?

as someone said, it's not unreasonable to ask, or to want help, just unreasonable to expect it, but I think you get that!

Hang on I'm confused now. You said in the OP that you don't expect her to have the children all weekend, because you'd take them out for lunch with you on the Sunday. Now you're saying it's not such a good idea for your ex to see the children?

Its not childminding though I do in fact pay my childminder, every week so that I can work.

Its one weekend, once out of never, for something that is important to me, a make or break weekend :( A favour to help out a child.
I knew she'd say no, I shouldn't have asked, because now I'm disappointed again, as always.
I certainly did not think I was entitled to it. Do none of you ever ask your family for a favour?

I have been a single parent yes, for the first few years of DD's life. Id have never expected my parents to drive 3 hours to come and have the kids so I can hook up with an ex. Yes we are entitled to a life and even romance but expecting people to go out their way to accommodate this is IMHO unreasonable. Yes its a shame but thems the breaks as a single parent.

I could drop them there I suppose, her house is probably the most child undriendly house in the world, so not best for the children, so I won't.
Yes, I am not sure about the ex seeing the children, I am not sure about the whole ex thing at all, hence a make or break weekend, which will now be a make or break few hours, ho hum.
silly me, what on earth made me think I was allowed a life.

and then what happened Gemsy, just curious really, because clearly somehow you are no longer a single parent?? How did that happen then?

And to be fair wanting her to have them the whole weekend while you meet up with ex makes it sound as if you are off for a weekend of shagging which is maybe why she isnt keen on the idea?

It's minding your children.

It would be lovely if your mum was one of the mums that did this kind of stuff, but she isn't, and I think to avoid your disappointment you need to realise that.

I think the unreasonable part is about you not having come to terms with the fact that this is not something your mum does.