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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disappointed in my mum?

167 replies

macdoodle · 31/01/2011 17:15

Am not sure really, I have very little expectation of her, she was a rubbish mum growing up, but we do get on fine now and she loves my DD's.

She is in her early 60's, relatively fit, lives alone, doesnt work, no commitments.

I am single parent to 2 girls, I live about a 3hour drive away. I never ask for help, she never offers. She does however come for a week in the summer, and 1-2 weeks over xmas. She does have the girls when I am at work 2-3 days a week, but if I ask if she minds if I go out in the evening while she is here, she does catbum face, so I never do.
I appreciate it when she does come.

Anyway, this weekend, an ex boyfriend is coming to my town.We ended things all a bit up in the air, and I would really like to be able to spend some proper time with him, without the children, sorting things out one way or another.

So with much misgiving I asked my mum if she would please come and help on the weekend, really only wanting her to have the children saturday and saturday night, we would take them all out for lunch on sunday, and then maybe sunday night. She would go home on monday.

She has made catbum face on the phone, and said she really doesnt "fancy" the drive. And also it is the first week she will be looking after my sister's baby one day a week (on wednesday) all day as my sis is going back to work. She looks after my sisters baby usually about once a week anyway.

I cant quite work out AIBU? I have such low expectations of her anyway :(

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 31/01/2011 18:53

I have a regular teenage babysitter, yes hopefully she would do sat night, and he would love to see the girls.
He is a good guy no doubt, I am the one who is not sure and part of it was that I felt I just didnt have the time or energy for a relationship.

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bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 18:54

Right, thats the babysitter sorted then Grin

Now, stop stressing about your mother and plan the killer outfit for saturday! Grin

Original poster
macdoodle · 31/01/2011 18:54

Do you mean my XH's parents? The paternal grandparents, no they would not help, I am the devil incarnate for daring to leave the abusive son and to tell them why (emotionally,sexually, physically, financially nasty abusive man), oh and to actually press charges when he tried to strangle me, despite his mother asking me not to.

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Original poster
macdoodle · 31/01/2011 18:56

Thank you bubble Grin dont think he will care what I wear, he is so pleased I agreed to see him.

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justcarrots29 · 31/01/2011 18:58

YANBU! You are right to expect a little help from your parents - we are all here to support and love our children for life not just for the first 18 years!!
I know exactly how you feel. My husband was away for a a few weeks (forces wife). I have never asked for help when he been away countless times. But I asked last year if they would come up, come to a show with us (I would pay for tickets), I offered to pay petrol and them stay in my bedroom (double bed etc) and they said they didn't fancy the drive. I have never asked them since and it will be a cold day in hell before I ask again.

CURLYMAMMA · 31/01/2011 19:04

YANBU. Hope you have a nice time!

RJRabbit · 31/01/2011 19:17

YANBU to expect a little bit of help from your family. I think it sucks, actually, and I think what sucks even more is that your mother isn't even attempting to treat your sister and you equally.

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 19:19

I think if the sister lives close by, not 3 hours away, it is understandable that she is going to see her mum more often.

compo · 31/01/2011 19:31

Aw I agree yanbu
hope you have a nice time
pity your ex can't help out

ENormaSnob · 31/01/2011 20:05

I actually think yanbu.

I get zero help from my parents or ils so I know how you feel.

The shit would hit the fan though if either set of parents had other grandchildren on a regular basis.

onceamai · 31/01/2011 20:15

YANBU but maybe short notice. Sorry you don't get much help and have had a bad time of it.

Good luck with the ex - could you farm the dc out on sleep overs with a reciprocal offer in the wings.

verytellytubby · 31/01/2011 20:20

YANBU.

Hope you manage to get some babysitting sorted.

And have a fun night Wink

Original poster
macdoodle · 01/02/2011 19:07

Well my sister is outraged on my behalf Grin
She cannot see why my mum can't come, she is seeing her tomorrow and will say something no doubt. My sis though 10 years younger than me, is a bit scary being a police detective and takes no shit.
Though TBH don't really want mum to come now would feel she is doing it in sufferance.

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Original poster
macdoodle · 01/02/2011 19:09

Will be fine anyway, will get a babysitter for sat night, havent decided whether to let him see the girls or not, but he could come when they are in bed sunday night anyway.
And I forgot I took monday off work, so will have all day monday, girls will be with ex Grin

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Original poster
macdoodle · 01/02/2011 19:10

ex husband that is, their father, not the ex I am meeting, before anyone gets confused again!

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Lotkinsgonecurly · 01/02/2011 22:50

I've just read this and don't think you are being unreasoale at all wanting a few hours to sort out your life!

I never get why grandparents have an issue looking after their grandchildren on an adhoc mutually convenient basis.

MIL was here this weekend we are mid house extension and had to pop and see the builder for a couple of hours. You'd have thought we suggested going toa greek island for a week by ourselves.

I hope it works out for you and that you do manage to get the time you need one way or another.Wink

Lotkinsgonecurly · 01/02/2011 22:50

unreasonable

bibbitybobbityhat · 01/02/2011 22:56

She doesn't see you very often so when she comes to visit she wants to spend time with you and the dgc.

Really, if your mum lives this far away, wouldn't you be better off forging a good relationship with a local babysitter. Or swap babysitting with other mums?

3 hours drive each way is too far just to do you a bit of a favour. Even if she is your mum.

Yabu.

scottishmummy · 01/02/2011 23:00

you work,call an agency.dont rely on 60+yo gran

dont expect granny to be your on call for your childcare,get your credit card out pay for childcare when your fancy man comes up

Original poster
macdoodle · 01/02/2011 23:02

She doesnt want to spend time with me or her grandchildren IMO, otherwise she would make an effort to come at any time, she is always welcome.
In fact she wouldnt see her grand-daughters at all, if I didnt make the effort to go there every other month or so.She only comes in the summer because I ask, and at xmas, well because its xmas and she doesnt want to be alone.
IMO and I know it sounds awful, but she is lazy, selfish and thoughless, though she always was even when I was a little girl and she always will be. I should know that by now.

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scottishmummy · 01/02/2011 23:03

stop whining,you work pay-for childcare if you need to go out.

Original poster
macdoodle · 01/02/2011 23:04

I have a babysitter. I will sort it out by myself like I always do.
He isn't a fancy man Hmm, he's a good bloke who I had a 2yr relationship with, who I have agreed to meet to discuss whether we have any future or not.

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scottishmummy · 01/02/2011 23:05

you are solvent responsible adult.pay and sort it.

Original poster
macdoodle · 01/02/2011 23:05

The money is not the issue Hmm
The issue is whether a parent wants to help her children or not, no expectation or entitlement. I fully intend to be there for my children.

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Original poster
macdoodle · 01/02/2011 23:06

Gosh scottishmummy, why the obsession with paying for it ??
Bah wish I'd just let this thread die now!

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