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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disappointed in my mum?

167 replies

macdoodle · 31/01/2011 17:15

Am not sure really, I have very little expectation of her, she was a rubbish mum growing up, but we do get on fine now and she loves my DD's.

She is in her early 60's, relatively fit, lives alone, doesnt work, no commitments.

I am single parent to 2 girls, I live about a 3hour drive away. I never ask for help, she never offers. She does however come for a week in the summer, and 1-2 weeks over xmas. She does have the girls when I am at work 2-3 days a week, but if I ask if she minds if I go out in the evening while she is here, she does catbum face, so I never do.
I appreciate it when she does come.

Anyway, this weekend, an ex boyfriend is coming to my town.We ended things all a bit up in the air, and I would really like to be able to spend some proper time with him, without the children, sorting things out one way or another.

So with much misgiving I asked my mum if she would please come and help on the weekend, really only wanting her to have the children saturday and saturday night, we would take them all out for lunch on sunday, and then maybe sunday night. She would go home on monday.

She has made catbum face on the phone, and said she really doesnt "fancy" the drive. And also it is the first week she will be looking after my sister's baby one day a week (on wednesday) all day as my sis is going back to work. She looks after my sisters baby usually about once a week anyway.

I cant quite work out AIBU? I have such low expectations of her anyway :(

OP posts:
mustdash · 31/01/2011 18:31

OP, I completely understand, and feel really Sad for you. Mine was pretty much the same.

I've no magic suggestions, but good luck with figuring out what you want with the ex. Smile

Gemsy83 · 31/01/2011 18:31

Macdoodle, me and my partner met at work, we spent time at work at first. We would spend time together when DD's dad had her for the weekend.

brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 18:31

macdoodle, i mis read your post, my apologies

If it is a make or break thing on a long term relationship then i can understand your disappointment. Actually, thinking on it, single mums are entitled to get some too! BUT you say about what broke the relationship is never getting any time for yourselves. I know that feeling only to well with my DP, my DD2s dad. We never have time for ourselves and it is a strain. I am not judging becuse i met DP when DD1 was 2 and my parents had her all the time so i could "get my jollies" and i was very lucky that they did.

I retract my YABU and offer a YANBU

Violethill · 31/01/2011 18:32

Well, if you're not sure about your ex seeing your children, then it seems eminently sensible to stick to one evening, where you can get a babysitter, go out and focus entirely on that. Rather than to get your mother staying the entire weekend, and then feel obliged to be out the whole time with the ex, because you don't want him coming to your house and seeing the children.

I am assuming your children are very young (you mention your mother's house not being childproofed) so I would imagine it could be extremely confusing for them for you to 'disappear' out for an entire weekend.

Original poster
macdoodle · 31/01/2011 18:32

Its not all weekend, its a few hours in the day on sat and sun and sat night maybe.
I dont think she is bothered at the thought of shagging, she just can't be bothered to help, the story of my life really.

OP posts:
Gemsy83 · 31/01/2011 18:34

Well its not ideal but you cant force people, maybe ask around friends/hire a sitter?

Original poster
macdoodle · 31/01/2011 18:34

well Gemsy lucky you that your DC father has them all weekend. My childrens father has them a few hrs a week if that, and he certainly wouldnt if he knew I was trying to have a life!

My DD's are 9 and 3, they are quite happy with my mum.

OP posts:
Violethill · 31/01/2011 18:34

... so if its a few hours, then really, you can use a babysitter. It's far more sensible than expecting her to drive 3 hours each way (which would cost more in petrol than a babysitter, probably!)

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 18:36

Dont you think you might be sort of rushing things a bit with the ex here??? have you already arranged to sleep together if you meet up?? I wouldnt say that was the best of ideas tbh..

I am not sure how you can be thinking of "make or break" when he hasnt even met your kids. Supposing he doesnt like them, or they dont like him?

Original poster
macdoodle · 31/01/2011 18:39

oh dear god, does no one read these threads before commenting.
We have had a long term relationship, he has met my children many many times, he had a lovely relationship with them. I am not sure about him seeing them this time, as we broke up and I dont want them to get confused.
My mum has met him too and approves.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 31/01/2011 18:40

YABVU!

Original poster
macdoodle · 31/01/2011 18:40

And now we have moved on as to whether it is raesonable to want to sleep with my ex Hmm
sorry I am a 40 yr old woman, if I want to shag my ex, I darn well will, with or without MN approval Grin

OP posts:
Violethill · 31/01/2011 18:41

I think he has met the kids before, bubblewrapped. She just isn't sure if it's right to re-introduce them

Another thought - if your relationship foundered before, through not having enough time together, how are things going to be different this time round? Surely he needs to know the reality? If you lead him to think you can have childfree weekends on a whim, then surely you're heading for disaster? He needs to know the reality - that its difficult for you to get time away, and it means finding a babysitter. I would imagine at the back of your mum's mind is the fear that this could become a regular occurence, and she'll end up feeling that your relationship with this guy is dependent on your being able to have masses of lovely time alone together - while she babysits your kids!

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 18:41

Soz.. I missed that bit as the thread has moved so quickly.

And I thought with him not being the father, and your youngest being three, and it was a "long term relationship" it must have been before you split with that bloke..

Original poster
macdoodle · 31/01/2011 18:43

Violet I agree, though not about my mum, I never ask for help and certainly wouldnt do it on a regular basis.
To be fair to the ex, he has no problem with the lack of time to ourselves, he was quite happy being here, spending time as a family, even looking after children for me Grin, helping in the house.
The problem was mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 31/01/2011 18:44

We got together when DD2 was 1. XH (their father) and I hadnt been together for some time before that.

OP posts:
TapselteerieO · 31/01/2011 18:45

I did misread your op, thinking that your mother was child minding through the week for you and your sister.

Are your children too young for a sleepover with friends? I agree with the pp who suggested you asked a close friend to have them and return the favour. I may have missed the info, but do you not have any contact with the dc's father?

It is sad your Mum won't help out, but it doesn't sound like there is much you can do about that, unless you can tell her how hurt you feel about her lack of support.

GreenEyesandHam · 31/01/2011 18:46

This thread reads like a comedy of errors :o

IMO, YANBU to feel disappointed in your mum

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 18:46

Ah right.. I can see your reluctance to reintroduce them to the kids then, as they will probably have seen him as a father figure, certainly the youngest one.

Presumably their father has a life, so isnt it about time he had his children overnight now and again, so that you can have one too.

Sorry if I missed where he cant do that.

irishqueen · 31/01/2011 18:47

I have read your previous posts macdoodle and YADNBU!!
you deserve a break and to spend some time seeing if you and your ex can work things out and your mum is being a pain ... especially if she is happy to care for your sisters newborn.
Can you guilt trip her if she likes this man so much?
Either way I really hope it works out for you

Original poster
macdoodle · 31/01/2011 18:48

hahahahaha their father is a twunt of the highest order. He has never had DD2 overnight, we were not living together when she was born.
I have suggested it, I cannot see it ever happening, he has them a few hours a week max, when I am at work.
I think is purpose in life is to make my life a misery.
Not that I really want them to sleep there though TBH, he is a heavy drinker.

OP posts:
Violethill · 31/01/2011 18:49

If you feel the break up was down to you, and that he was happy about the lack of time to yourselves, and was happy spending time with you as a family, tbh it makes me feel even more confident that as long as you get a saturday evening together, you should be able to resolve things. When you said 'make or break', it kind of implied the ending of your relationship was terribly messy and maybe he was finding the lack of couple time very difficult. It sounds as though he's a great guy, and you're perhaps sorry to have let him go. Book a babysitter and have a fab evening out. Smile

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 18:50

Are his parents nearby? would they not help out?

No friends with a teenage daughter who would be reliable enough to babysit?

Original poster
macdoodle · 31/01/2011 18:51

My sister's son is 11 months, they live a lot closer, about half an hour from my mum. She sees him once a week at least, and has been looking after him once a week in preparation for my sis going back to work. she will be having my nephew one full day a week.
I in no way begrudge my sister this, I adore her and am very glad she has some help from my mum. Am I a little jealous, probably yes, but that is not really the issue here TBH.

OP posts:
stropicana2011 · 31/01/2011 18:53

I don't know. She does a similar amount to my lot and I do think they do abit considering they are a 4 hour drive away but it would be nice if she actually wanted to help you. > Wink

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