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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disappointed in my mum?

167 replies

macdoodle · 31/01/2011 17:15

Am not sure really, I have very little expectation of her, she was a rubbish mum growing up, but we do get on fine now and she loves my DD's.

She is in her early 60's, relatively fit, lives alone, doesnt work, no commitments.

I am single parent to 2 girls, I live about a 3hour drive away. I never ask for help, she never offers. She does however come for a week in the summer, and 1-2 weeks over xmas. She does have the girls when I am at work 2-3 days a week, but if I ask if she minds if I go out in the evening while she is here, she does catbum face, so I never do.
I appreciate it when she does come.

Anyway, this weekend, an ex boyfriend is coming to my town.We ended things all a bit up in the air, and I would really like to be able to spend some proper time with him, without the children, sorting things out one way or another.

So with much misgiving I asked my mum if she would please come and help on the weekend, really only wanting her to have the children saturday and saturday night, we would take them all out for lunch on sunday, and then maybe sunday night. She would go home on monday.

She has made catbum face on the phone, and said she really doesnt "fancy" the drive. And also it is the first week she will be looking after my sister's baby one day a week (on wednesday) all day as my sis is going back to work. She looks after my sisters baby usually about once a week anyway.

I cant quite work out AIBU? I have such low expectations of her anyway :(

OP posts:
Ormirian · 31/01/2011 17:31

Bloody hell! You only wanted her to have them two nights Hmm

Gemsy83 · 31/01/2011 17:31

My parents live 5 minutes away and I think they'd do a cats bumface if I wanted them to come over and mind the kids while I go after an ex boyfriend for the evening...

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 17:32

Did she move away or did you?

Do you go and visit her?

Perhaps if you asked her to visit because you wanted to see her, rather than asking her to drive 6 hours to be a babysitting service she might be more amenable.

usualsuspect · 31/01/2011 17:33

I think maybe its the long drive putting her off?

FetchezLaVache · 31/01/2011 17:34

Oh for goodness' sake Compo, she said she always takes SOME time off when her mum comes, not the whole time!

glastocat · 31/01/2011 17:34

compe, not neccessarily. When my mum comes to visit (from 300 miles away) I take some time off, but she also looks after my son some days too.

I think YABU to expect help, but definitely YANBU to want help and feel disappointed that it's not offered. Everyone needs a break after all.

putthekettleon · 31/01/2011 17:35

I still think YABU, it's not like she lives round the corner. A 3 hour drive is quite a long drive, especially for a woman in her 60s.

I can understand you wanting some help and a break, but you shouldn't expect it. We get very little help from the family, but that's our own fault as we moved out of the area, I wouldn't expect them to drive 3 hours to babysit.

Perhaps she doesn't like being asked at short notice? Or perhaps she doesn't like the exboyfriend so doesn't want to help you spend time with him?

activate · 31/01/2011 17:35

you want her to drive for 6 weeks so she can babysit all day Saturday and Saturday night?

Cats-bum face to you

yes YABU

activate · 31/01/2011 17:35

6 hours not weeks

PaisleyLeaf · 31/01/2011 17:36

I think you went in with too much of an ask with the saturday, saturday night, maybe sunday night - go home monday.
If you'd just asked for one evening's babysit she might have considered it.

PaisleyLeaf · 31/01/2011 17:37

Also, does she remember the boyfriend? What were you like when you were seeing him?
maybe she doesn't think that a weekend with him would be so good for you - with it all being 'up in the air' and stuff.
Might explain the cat's bum face.

Figgyrolls · 31/01/2011 17:41

I feel for you op, as I got your meaning in the first post, its not very fair if she is looking after your sisters dc one day per week but won't do babysitting for you on occasion, especially this time round when you are hoping to possibly sort out a potential relationship. However I think I would be a pit put out to be asked to come for the weekend to look after the dc, 3 hours is a long way regardless of fitness age etc. Not saying you did it wrong but how did you word it?

Also some people are just weird about not staying in their own houses Hmm but there we go (my dm is one of these Grin)

However I do think its a shame that when you are together for those weeks that she doesn't think it would be nice for you to go out for one night whilst she was there, i mean she's there isn't she and she isn't interrupting her own routine just yours!

I don't really know if you bu or not tbh! Can see it from you pov and think of it from hers too but it does strike me as a bit unfair on you that she is happy to do for one and not the other when you don't ask very often!

bigcar · 31/01/2011 17:41

my pils live 5 minutes away, they won't even come over for half an hour on the dcs birthday. Of course we are expected to go there at least once a week so they can see the dcs and listen to them moaning that no one ever visits them and drop everything for them at a moments notice Hmm I'm fast losing patience. Yanbu to ask.

BuzzLightBeer · 31/01/2011 17:41

You know I never really agree when people say you have no entitlement to help, shoudl have no expectation of babysitting etc. Ask your ma if she had family to help her when she had young children, if yes, you shoudl be able to expect some help.
I certainly expect help from my PIL's, not a lot but a little help. They had vast amounts of it when they were in my position, two sets of grandparents that took for weekends, holidays, daily lunches out of school, masses of babysitting.
Damn straight I expect just a little of the same! And I don't see whats wrong with the OP expecting a little too, her sister seems to get plenty.

Gemsy83 · 31/01/2011 17:43

Perhaps her sister doesnt live a three hours drive away?

PigTail · 31/01/2011 17:44

YANBU.

It was important for you to see the ex, and the only way you could do this would be if your mum drove down. She's declined to drive down, and you feel let down. You mum is the one person in the world you always expect to be there for you, so you have every right to feel disappointed.

In her defence, however, she may not have realised how important this was to you.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/01/2011 17:45

See, I think that you can only expect a right to those things that you have an actual entitlement to, one backed up by law.

And since that does not apply to babysitting, then I think that you cannot expect that you are entitled to it.

You can want it, you can wish for it, you can hope for it, you can feel pissed off about it Grin but you have no entitlement to it. imo anyway.

BusyMissIzzy · 31/01/2011 17:49

What does a cat's bum face look like over the phone then? Wink

brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 17:56

Busy, i think you have to make a cats bum face and then talk, then you will know what it looks sounds like Grin.

Sorry OP, but you gotta know you are being unreasonable. Did she perhaps not approve of this particular boyfriend? Why would you want to see him anyway, exes are usually exes for good reason. Is he the children's father? I know that sounds judgey, its not at all, just trying to see why maybe your mum might not approve.

Could the children go to their dad?

PaisleyLeaf · 31/01/2011 17:58

I can sympathise with her not wanting to encourage a meet-up that requires your DCs to be babysat from saturday til monday.

brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 18:00

thing is, if he is an ex, why don't you just go and have a quick coffee with him? can't imagine why you would need your children to be looked after overnight, unless........but no, hes an ex so im sure you dont have anything like that in mind. I would be inclined to get him to take you out for a meal and pay for a babysitter. Sorted.

QueenofAllWildThings · 31/01/2011 18:01

YANBU in my opinion... but it's probably not worth the hassle. Can he not come round while the kids are in bed? Can you ask a friend to sit on the saturday night while you go out with him?

ALso, YANBU to expect her to babysit for one night while you go out if she is there anyway. Surely she can sit and watch her soaps just as well if you are down the pub or at the cinema? Whenever I have family to stay, I pretty much make sure that I have a night out, and luckily they are happy for me to do that. I know I am lucky, but I don't have family close by so it doesn't happen very often - once every six weeks or so at most.

Anyway, back to you - does she know the ex? Can you say that you've got a date and would be HUGELY grateful if she'd have the children that evening? Why does she need to have them for the day, btw?

Good luck, anyway.

NancyDrewHasaClue · 31/01/2011 18:03

I always ask on these threads but those of you who think the OP is BU, will ypu be helping out your DC when they are older?

Because I honestly can't imagine not wanting to do everything within my power to make my DC's lives easier when they have their own DC. Especially when we are only talking about less than 10 days per year.

brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 18:04

see, i don't get this - you say she looks after your DC twice a week but lives three hours away Shock she must have to leave at stupid oclock

brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 18:05

have i got it wrong about the childminding while the OP is at work then?