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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some posters are very hard on the MILs

238 replies

meantosay · 31/01/2011 13:41

They can't call around without an invite

They can't pick the baby up without permission

They can't buy the dcs presents because it's just 'junk' that 'clutters up the house'.

They can't ask to take the baby for a walk because that's 'taking over'

and on, and on, and on.

Read a lot on here about posters being reduced to tears by their MILs (sometimes understandably) but I wonder how many MILs go home in tears because yet another well meant gesture has been thrown back in their faces, or they have been made to feel like they have no right to a special relationship with their grandchildren?

OP posts:
juleswill · 02/02/2011 11:05

sorry, made me see

naughtynaughtynamechange · 02/02/2011 11:48

Well, given that I'm losing my marriage over ILs, it's a sore point for me.

But my PILs simply cannot accept they are no longer in charge. I am 8 months pg, working 50 hours a week, and have a two-year-old who is such a bad sleeper we are being referred for medical help.

If I say to them, lovely, DS would like to see you, come over on Saturday morning and we'll have an early lunch, they refuse and reschedule to 8pm on Sunday night at a restaurant that's an hour's drive away from us. Then they bend DH's ear because Mean Mummy won't let them see their grandchild. I will! Just not at a time that leaves me up all night because he's had a nap in the car at 10pm, and wrestling an overtired, teary, pissed-off toddler into nursery the next day so I can go to work.

They are the most self-centred people I have ever met, and if I had known them better before I married DH, I would have called off the wedding.

diddl · 02/02/2011 11:53

Oh Naughty, that´s really sad.

My husband always said that the only thing that would make us split are his parents!

We are abroad & they have never visited-he is an only child & we have their only DC.

MIL whines on & on about how she misses the children.

We have even invited them for Christmas which they declined FFS.

Yes, it´s a control thing with them.

They are "punishing" us for daring to move away.Hmm

Luckily we are copingGrin

ItsGrimUpNorth · 02/02/2011 12:16

Mean2 dearie, I didn't start the thread hoping all would agree with me regardless and then start bleating when not all did.

I shall be fine as a mil because I'm a firm believer in snout out and showing respect to the mother of a child. Not a grown up child.

thumbdabwitch · 02/02/2011 12:16

naughty - that IS very sad, but what is most sad is that your H won't stand up for you and tell his parents what's what!!

HOw can anyone assume it is acceptable to drag a 2yo out on a Sunday night for dinner? When there are plenty of hours in the weekend to fit in a visit? Even if it had to be Sunday eve, why couldn't they come over to yours? Tossers.

Sorry that your marriage is rocky over it but I can entirely see why. :(

Original poster
meantosay · 02/02/2011 12:21

ItsGrim

Neither did I. And pointing out to posters that they are going off thread and 'that is not what I meant' is not 'bleating'. Neither is pointing out to you that your use of some words is not accurate and is distorting the argument.

Always think people who put 'dearie' or 'luv' in their post sound terribly defensive. Hmm

OP posts:
ItsGrimUpNorth · 02/02/2011 14:38

Tosh. You talk tosh.

Original poster
meantosay · 02/02/2011 14:39

Yet another intelligent and incisive argument from oop North Grin.

OP posts:
ItsGrimUpNorth · 02/02/2011 14:48

Parp.

Original poster
meantosay · 02/02/2011 14:50

I'll take it you have nothing more to say??
[hope she goes away, this is getting boring emoticon]

OP posts:
ItsGrimUpNorth · 02/02/2011 15:05

Let me explain it carefully and clearly.

I find people who take things at face value irritating.

Your dismissing mothers who have issues with their mils as being hard on them is a silly and unkind thread in the sense that it doesn't look at the whole picture of these individual cases. It is important to look at individual cases because it is such an emotive area and rarely is it a case of a woman being mean for the sake of it.

It just dismisses a woman as unnecessarily controlling or unkind without considering anything else. In fact, your thread has dismissed a whole group of women as such. I don't believe that is the case. When I asked you to find me examples of that, you merely said that there were lots and I shouldn't have a selective memory Hmm. Now that's a super argument there, isn't it?

Factors to consider if a mother appears to be controlling etc are as follows:

  • If a woman has just had a baby, she is generally feeling quite vulnerable and perhaps prone to being more sensitive to her new role as a mother. And perhaps can over react.
  • Perhaps there is a history of a bad relationship between the mil and the dil.
  • Perhaps they live in a small flat and don't want many gifts.

And a myriad other reasons to be the way you describe as bang out of order in your op. Are those reasons to be utterly dismissed as of no value whatsoever? I don't think so.

Rarely, yes, I agree with you there might be one or two people who are just unkind for the sake of it. But not many.

But I've read many threads on mils and other relationships that explain so much about what is going on and I honestly cannot recall one where the mother is doing unkind things just for the actual sake of it. Hence my asking you to find one.

This is why I think this thread is silly and unkind. I know that's an opinion you don't like to hear or are bored by, but this is a message board and I guess if you're going to ask for opinions, you're not always going to get the one you like.

Original poster
meantosay · 02/02/2011 15:14

I think you need to get out a bit more grim. I really do. Do you analyse every thread like this??

OP posts:
Lamorna · 02/02/2011 15:24

I think that MIL and DIL need to have a good relationship and be friends and like each other's company before the DCs come along and then it is much easier.I have never had a problem and don't expect to have one in my turn. However I have never been a great one for all the possessive bit, if anyone is always on about my baby there is bound to be trouble. I find it odd that a MIL should have to ask to pick up her grandchild! Most of the fighting seems to be when there is a baby, as the DC gets older they can make their own relationship with grandparents.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 02/02/2011 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 02/02/2011 16:05

I think you must be dim Mean2say, because if you think that is "analysis", then you really don't know what analysis is.

Original poster
meantosay · 02/02/2011 16:23

Are you always so aggressive to anyone who doesn't agree with you ItsGrim. That does provoke bitchiness you know. Also, it AIBU as you pointed out to me. Is anyone who disagrees with you a bitch????? You seem to be making one rule for yourself and another for me.

Why not 'research' my other posts and see if I'm 'always such a bitch' or 'plain old dim'.

OP posts:
ItsGrimUpNorth · 02/02/2011 16:26

Nope. Only to morons.

Original poster
meantosay · 02/02/2011 16:26

My, your arguments are getting even more mature and analytical.

OP posts:
ssd · 02/02/2011 16:31

oh grow up you two

ItsGrimUpNorth · 02/02/2011 16:31

Grin I thought analysis meant one had to get out more?

Original poster
meantosay · 02/02/2011 16:32

And you're calling me dim???

OP posts:
ItsGrimUpNorth · 02/02/2011 16:34

You didn't disagree with me, Mean2say.

You just tried to insult me by saying, "You need to get out more." A brilliant, razor sharp mind in action there.

If you showed some intelligent argument/discourse, then of course I wouldn't mind.

But you haven't and you won't.

Original poster
meantosay · 02/02/2011 16:36

Whatever ItsGrim. This is getting really silly. Over and out. Continue this argument with yourself. I have to 'get out' and do some RL stuff.

OP posts:
juleswill · 02/02/2011 16:37

I can see it might be odd to ask to pick up the baby, if they are awake and DIL isn't holding the baby - however if baby is asleep, or has just woken up and needs a feed, or is in it's Mum's arms, MIL shouldn't just assume it's ok to take the baby out of it's mother's arms, or wake the baby up. It is DS & DILs baby not the MIL's - some MIL's struggle to understand this and it can be very irritating (but not worthy of a big row or anything)

My MIL has a habit of wanting to take my DS from me and console him if he is crying (through bumped head, tired etc) - it really bugs me! It's not to help me, but because she sees him as her baby. But like I said, it's not going to cause a big row - just a minor irritation that's good to share with those others who understand.

Bucharest · 02/02/2011 16:45

Why do you actually feel the need to go all defensive and passive-aggressive when people aren't playing your way on your thread though OP? Starting the thread, AFAIK, doesn't at any stage mean you get to dictate who says what, to whom, and how. Or did I miss that bit of the MN rulebook?

Are you, actually, Jeremy Paxman.

Come on come on.

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