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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think some posters are very hard on the MILs

238 replies

meantosay · 31/01/2011 13:41

They can't call around without an invite

They can't pick the baby up without permission

They can't buy the dcs presents because it's just 'junk' that 'clutters up the house'.

They can't ask to take the baby for a walk because that's 'taking over'

and on, and on, and on.

Read a lot on here about posters being reduced to tears by their MILs (sometimes understandably) but I wonder how many MILs go home in tears because yet another well meant gesture has been thrown back in their faces, or they have been made to feel like they have no right to a special relationship with their grandchildren?

OP posts:

scaryteacher · 01/02/2011 11:43

Mils also change sadly. Mine used to be fab, but has changed into a selfish and unpleasant woman. She may have been like this all along and we (her two sons and wives) just haven't seen it, or blocked it, or allowed her to get away with it, but it is blindingly obvious now.

pascoe28 · 01/02/2011 11:46

What mutznutz said.

manicbmc · 01/02/2011 11:47

I lived with my mil for 15 years. Had she not been my mil I would not have had anything to do with her. On the days when she was actually speaking to me (because, god forbid, I had the brass neck to do something my way) she would be slagging off nextdoor or someone or her son. She would often give unwanted comments about my appearance and between her and my ex ground me down. She has a nasty, venomous tongue. She called my dd a bitch and told me I had to put my ds into care from him being about 8.

In the end mils are just people. Some are nice and some are not.

seeker · 01/02/2011 11:47

I have seen threads where MILs were lambasted for

Giving too many presents.

Taking the baby for a walk.

Cutting an inch of matted hair out of a child's head without asking permission.

Buying the wrong sort of clothes.

Offering to help/not offering to help.

Making themselves a cup of tea/expecting someone else to make a cup of tea for them.

visiting without asking first/waiting to be invited.

Baking a cake, fgs. How agressive is that!

JingleMum · 01/02/2011 11:50

i have a DD and sometimes i worry about ever having a son in the future, and that's all because of this website and the weird MIL threads on it!

i look at my own family, i come from quite a big one and all my male cousins are grown up, married and have kids. they adore their mums (my aunties) and their kids and wives have great relationships with my aunties. it's never really been an issue in my family and i never knew the issue was that bad until i joined mumsnet! the only example i can think of is one of my aunts is a really over bearing MIL, she tried to take over and my cousin (her son) was oblivious to it. his wife is strong minded and laid the law down, sice then my aunt has backed off and i can honestly say they are so close now. they all go for a meal once a week and she minds the kids whenever asked.

my own MIL is a lovely lady, she always tries to help. she only has 2 sons though and i don't think we have ever clicked in the sense of we are friends, but i respect her and we get on. she's done some things that have really got on my nerves (re-arranged all my kitchen cupboards without permission, invites herself and FIL on holidays with us, takes my daughter from my arms constantly!) but at the end of the day she's a good nan to my DD and i have no right to be a bitch for nothing.

WinkyWinkola · 01/02/2011 11:51

Yes but seeker, nice and simple list there. Simplistic actually. Which is why I think a case by case scenario is far more useful and important.

But was the mil asked not to do any of those things and did them anyway?

For example, perhaps they bought too many presents and the parents asked them not to because the parents lived in a one bed flat and simply didn't have the room for so many gifts. Or they simply didn't want their child spoiled. After all, it is the parents who have to live with a spoiled child, isn't it?

Original poster

meantosay · 01/02/2011 11:53

ItsGrim

There are loads of threads on this issue or where other posters join in and come up with issues like this. I think you are being a little bit selective with your memory in order to continue with your point.

I remember a couple of years ago when I was still jsut lurking, a dil coming on incandescent because her MIL was bathing her daughter and snipped a micro, micro milimetre off the end of her hair to get rid of a tangle. The mother hadn't even noticed until the MIL told her. Loads of posters were on going 'oh poor you, how dare she'. That was nearly as ridiculous as the birthday cake issue.
Just trawl back and you will find numerous posts about MILs 'always wanting to hold the baby', etc.

OP posts:

ItsGrimUpNorth · 01/02/2011 11:57

How can you snip off a micro, miniscule bit of hair off to get rid of a tangle? I think you'd need to cut off a bit more off than that.

You're just attacking dils for the sake of it on this thread.

Show me specifics then one should make a decision as to who is being out of order. Not just some vague list of misdemenours that do not show the background of the various situations.

Original poster

meantosay · 01/02/2011 11:58

FFS ItsGrim, I'm not writing a bleeding thesis on the matter. I's an observation I've made from being on this forum. Chill!!

OP posts:

bruffin · 01/02/2011 12:00

"For example, perhaps they bought too many presents and the parents asked them not to because the parents lived in a one bed flat and simply didn't have the room for so many gifts. Or they simply didn't want their child spoiled. After all, it is the parents who have to live with a spoiled child, isn't it?"

Then you get the DIL's who are extremely controlling about their child and want to control every toy they have ie wood only, no barbies etc You do get nutty MILS but you get just as many nutty DILs

kepler10b · 01/02/2011 12:01

what goes around comes around. if you treat your MIL badly then don't expect your children to encourage their future spouse to treat you well either.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 01/02/2011 12:02

I just think it's a rather spiteful thread. For the reasons I've stated before.

Original poster

meantosay · 01/02/2011 12:03

I cannot honestly follow your logic ItsGrim. You were the one who said to mention specific posters. I was keeping it general.

OP posts:

Original poster

meantosay · 01/02/2011 12:04

I agree kepler. I sometimes look at unreasonable DILS and think 'your children are probably watching and learning. Be careful.'.

OP posts:

KangarooCaught · 01/02/2011 12:04

Not me, my MIL is a saint and a lovely grandmother. It's FIL who attracts my ire.

However, MIL's friend had her granddaughter baptised a Catholic without telling her DIL! That's a troublesome MIL.

bibbitybobbityhat · 01/02/2011 12:49

Yes, I agree too Kepler.

There is no need for dils and their mils to have a poor relationship. It is not the default position.

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 13:20

Actually, I remember a colleague complaining once that her MIL had called around without an 'appointment'. .

I agree that MILs should ring to let DILs know they're thinking of popping around. But they shouldn't have to wait for an invitation.

diddl · 01/02/2011 13:29

"This renegotiation doesn't seem to happens with sons cooking/cleaning and will continue until the son's wife/baby mother says 'Oi stop taking over my house there are boundaries you know'."

How so?

Surely once the son moves out he looks after himself?

And if he doesn´t, who would be stupid enough to get involved with him?

2rebecca · 01/02/2011 13:47

Agree, I would have ran a mile from a bloke who still let his mum come round his house to wash and clean for him.
I've generally been out with blokes who have a good distance between them and their mothers.

WinkyWinkola · 01/02/2011 14:06

But sometimes you only find out what the mil/son relationship is really like until you're married or with kids.

My dh would defer to his mum's wishes every single time. Including her deciding on who should and shouldn't come to our wedding, my breastfeeding our children and where we should live.

She's a lovely woman really. Just doesn't get boundaries.

MoaningMedalllist · 01/02/2011 14:12

I agree, tbh my MIL still irratates the hell outta me! I think we are all programmed to hate our MIL lol

I would never stop her picking him up, or buy my DC stuff tho thats just spiteful

2rebecca · 01/02/2011 14:21

I find that hard to believe winky. In general the blokes I had long relationships with had gone away from their parents to university and afterwards moved some distance from their parents and just phoned them now and then. They are highly unlikely to suddenly turn into blokes who can't make a decision without involving their parents or to always do what their mum wants. If you go out with someone for at least a year before getting married and having kids you should have a good idea of their relationship with their parents and how independant they are.

MrsMooo · 01/02/2011 14:23

I think it's shades of grey, and a couple of posters have summed it up very well in that we have years to learn our own Mother's ways, and we (hopefully) won't make the same mistakes when we are MIL because we went through it

that said, I do agree that DH's family is me and DS, and by that I don't mean that he should sever all contact with his parents, but that we are his priority now not his Mum/other family members

Actually, I am the one that has reestablished his relationship with FIL as he was too afraid of MIL reaction without my support... but that's my own issue/my mental MIL

They can't call around without an invite - No, I don't want ANYONE dropping by unannouced staying until they feel it's time to leave and disregarding my/our wishes for privacy. This applies to everyone, My mother and his. Just because your child lives there does not mean you have a right to call in whenever and for however long you please - people have lives and routines FFS

They can't pick the baby up without permission - No, not if you're trying to create a rountine and they're disturbing it, or are taking the child away from Mum without asking, especially in the early days.

In my case, MIL invited herself round as soon as I was released from hospital after a long an traumatic labour, took the baby out of my arms and demanded I make tea/cook while she and DH bonded with the baby

They can't buy the dcs presents because it's just 'junk' that 'clutters up the house'.

To be fair, I think this is a GP issue as opposed to a MIL one, but again, yes if the childs parents are setting reasonable boundires for gifts then no you can't buy crap lots of gifts

They can't ask to take the baby for a walk because that's 'taking over'
It depends on the context, if Mum is frazzled and needs a break then go for it, if it's actually time the parents want/need to be spending with their DC then no.

I think another poster said it, but most MIL have some trouble realising that they are not the centre of their Son/GC's world and can tread on toes because they want to re-establish their bond OVER the bond between the DH/DC and DIL

So you are being a bit U, but there are also some silly MIL bashing diva's out there

Yes, GP's do have a right, but within the context of respecting the parents choices and recognising they are the primary carer and not using it as an excuse to undermine the childs parents

ItsGrimUpNorth · 01/02/2011 14:39

Hear hear, Mrs. Mooo.

ThePosieParker · 01/02/2011 14:41

I don't think the attitude of 'don't touch the baby MIL' comes from a previously great relationship. I hate my PILs, they are banned from my home.

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