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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some posters are very hard on the MILs

238 replies

meantosay · 31/01/2011 13:41

They can't call around without an invite

They can't pick the baby up without permission

They can't buy the dcs presents because it's just 'junk' that 'clutters up the house'.

They can't ask to take the baby for a walk because that's 'taking over'

and on, and on, and on.

Read a lot on here about posters being reduced to tears by their MILs (sometimes understandably) but I wonder how many MILs go home in tears because yet another well meant gesture has been thrown back in their faces, or they have been made to feel like they have no right to a special relationship with their grandchildren?

OP posts:
Katiekitty · 31/01/2011 18:06

What a daft OP

Meanttosay - would you also say that posters who are venting about terrible DH behaviour are being 'very hard'?

I dare you to go on the 'Relationships' board and do so

I can tell the difference between a vile MIL and a diva DIL, as I'm sure you can too

raby81 · 31/01/2011 18:09

I think that the reason I complain about my MiL on here is because it's one of the few topics that is off limits with DH and sometimes I just need to vent when I'm irritated.
Obviously he is never going to take sides in a diagreement between me and his mum but it's important that I get it off my chest. Sometimes it's just nice to hear that I'm not a mad overprotective maniac.

2rebecca · 31/01/2011 18:19

I think it's a shame some posters feel certain topics, like criticising MILs should be out of bounds on mumsnet.
I also hate the posters who start wittering about "my MIL was wonderful now she's dead" as though that makes any difference to the woman with a newborn trying to assert herself against an overpowering matriarch who isn't used to anyone disagreeing with her.
"You'll regret it when you are MILs" is another favourite. No I won't because I don't intend to be an overinvolved criticising bitch.

2rebecca · 31/01/2011 18:21

Actually if I do get carried away and turn into an overinvolved criticising bitch when I have a grandchild I would hope my kids and their spouses would tell me to back off and behave myself and not just simmer with resentment.

MsKLo · 31/01/2011 18:41

Yabu

Some mil are right arseholes and the poor ladies who have posted on here recently have some totally stupid, disrespectful and pathetic mils.
Why do these mil's think they have a god-given right to their grandchildren? They do not - at all!

MsKLo · 31/01/2011 18:45

I personally couldn't give a shit how excited a mil can be about new baby- the excitement and time a new mum needs with their new baby is far more important and a mil should not encroach on that

Agree with 2rebecca - I am never going to b like that

jellybeans · 31/01/2011 19:12

'"You'll regret it when you are MILs" is another favourite. No I won't because I don't intend to be an overinvolved criticising bitch.'
2rebecca that's exactly right.

seeker · 31/01/2011 19:21

A child has a right to its grandparents. The relationship between a child and htheir grandma is NOT something which should be controlled by the child's mother. Obviously this rule does not apply to abusive, alcoholic and other seriously troubled people.

allatsea1 · 31/01/2011 19:43

I think MILs often have the same controlling 'I know best' behaviour that rubs all women up the wrong way. My mother in law is at heart a lovely, generous person but she most definitely has her moments. I think it's this common theme that mumsnetters tend to vent about but I find when they do there is often a disclaimer saying 'my MIL is great but....'. Like all relationships those with a MIL can be challenging and I don't think there's any harm asking for advice on here - far better than risking a screaming match with the hubby over it. Mumsnetters are generally honest too and if the poster is being too harsh on her MIL will get pulled up on it.

westerngirl · 31/01/2011 19:53

My mil sole contribution to our family life is as a lesson that you cannot infer the actual relationship from somesone's title.

She threatened not to come to our wedding when we told her it was immediate family only. She came but atmosphere didn't bother me at all as my mum was still alive.

She made constant snide remarks about us only wanting to christen our son because of faith school entry when we chose our own godparents. Really was sniping the whole christening day and this did ruin the day for me as my mum has passed away and pil were only grandparents son had. I use the term 'pil' as a completely empty title. I would love to have problems with them wanting to be involved or even misunderstood good intentions.

When we called her bluff (having said a lot to her son she would love to) on helping us by minding our 3yo (at the time) for one day so we could sort out building work, she said she didn't think she would be able to. Now five years later she is minding bil's 1yo for overnights while the parents go to social events. We lost my mother and I became quite ill after my son was born and struggled desperately in the absence of supportive parents. We so needed any family. Not to be.

It is entirely up to herself if she doesn't want to support in any way, but if she offers nothing real it really is too much to be so hypocritical and have tantrums when we exercise our free will. As Clint Eastwood said 'don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining'. However, we carry on with the charade that I have a mil and my son had grandparents. She is a stranger who feels entitled to ruin our celebration days.

Far from being hard on her, we give her the undeserved name of 'grandma'.

She will make me a much better mil though.

westerngirl · 31/01/2011 19:53

Sorry for long rant.

bibbitybobbityhat · 31/01/2011 19:58

Yes, there is an awful lot of MIL-bashing on Mumsnet and I am very dubious about just how bad some of these women actually are.

There have been lots of threads with a similar op to yours, as a result!

I would just like to make one point:

I don't think it is AT ALL REASONABLE for mils to call round without checking with the dil first that it is convenient. I really don't. I couldn't blame any woman who gets cross about that sort of assumption.

The rest of your points I agree with.

stillfrazzled · 31/01/2011 20:06

I've been taking notes on MN posts since DS1 was born on how NOT to be a MIL Grin.

But when I found out I was expecting another DS as my second - and last - child, part of me was really upset. Not because I don't want another fabulous boy, but because so many relentlessly negative MIL posts made me scared that I'll be shut out of my adult sons and GCs' lives.

I plan to be a good, supportive, non-controlling, ultra respectful MIL. But it does seem that some women don't want their MIL anywhere near them - while thinking that identical behaviour from their own mothers is just fine.

Am trying not to borrow trouble! But it remains a worry.

McHobbes · 31/01/2011 20:15

I agree with you Still Frazzled - every word.

I have two sons and I worry about it too. I have a daughter as well, so I might be allowed within two feet of her child. Wink

Here's hoping eh?

McHobbes · 31/01/2011 20:27

Oh and regards Cake Lady....I can see why mil turning up with a cake was irksonme, but jesus....what's wrong with 'Gosh thanks - that was kind. I've made a cake as it happens....but we'll certainly enjoy this one later/tomorrow'

There's nothing wrong with establishing boundaries, but there's no need to be nasty.

My mil bakes a cake for all the gc every birthday, and so do I. So they get two cakes.Not seeing the problem with that at all. Mine is the cake with the candles - mils is part of her gift. No biggy.

TallulahdoesthehulainHawaii · 31/01/2011 20:41

I learnt that short ditty from MN

A daughter's a daughter for all of your life
A son's a son until he takes a wife.

TallulahdoesthehulainHawaii · 31/01/2011 20:43

Oops, meant to add that I think some people actually do think that this is right.

I wonder also if the being a MIL thing has anything to do with the trend of a lot of posters also wanting their DC to be girls?

MrsFlittersnoop · 31/01/2011 21:07

I only have one child - a DS. Some of the more bonkers unreasonable anti-MIL threads on here break my heart Sad.

One in particular I recall from a couple of years back - a DIL who objected to her DH spending half an hour EVERY Sunday chatting to his (lonely widowed) mum. She hated the fact that they giggled, gossiped and joked together AS IF THEY WERE FRIENDS!

She felt it was abnormal, inappropriate, creepy and controlling. It never occurred to her that they might share interests and a sense of humour because these were personality traits that had presumably been nurtured by the evil witch MIL who had raised her DH.

And WTF is this obsession with food and MILS? Why oh why has feeding children become such a huge overwhelming control issue for so many MN posters?

I'm lucky. I haven't seen my MIL since my wedding day 8 years ago. PILS won't visit us because they are always "too ill", and DS (their step-and-only-GS) and I haven't been permitted to set foot over their threshold either for the same reason.

We speak very occasionally on the phone, but she has no interest whatsover in her son's family. I "married in", so am not "family", and DS is only a step-child so is completely off their radar.

Suits me! Grin

BlessedAssurance · 31/01/2011 21:59

I have tried doing everything right but my MIL is not interested in me, she keeps telling her son that he must wait and see, i will change and start treating him like crap, when that happens will he then look for her and she won't be there. I have been called names in my own home, many times have i been in tears after one of her tongue lashes, the recent one being i want to sleep with DH's twin, the abuse will not stop. I have told her that i will never invite her over seeing that i would never invite my mother either, a parent should not wait for an invitation to go see their children. She must be free and come whenever she feels like.

Many times reading these threads,i have wanted to post,sometimes typing and deleting,because when its on paper its not as bad as in real life,in the end i gave up trying to please her. If i buy her a gift, she will thank her son knowing it wasn't him who bought it. When i mention that DD must not eat such foods,i am told that she has raised two children so she knows about kids, she brings bread in my house and takes it back to her house, right now she is not talking to me, she stopped me from going on a cruise which she had booked because i said if she gave DD too much bread her tummy would be sore,she told DH when i had DD via C section that it was my job to take care of the baby, said he was making my life easy, why did i have to have it so easy when she struggled? if i get flowers on my anniversary she moans about not receiving any, doesn't want to see DH being nice to me at all,,this is just the small things, and if we don't get to post it here, we will go mad, thank God my DH is wonderful and knows his mom, BIL gave me some advice when i got married, he said ,'welcome to the family,just remember that no matter what you do, mum will never be happy with you, so your duty is to tske care of your husband and to love him, try not to please my mum because she will never be pleased,, i should have listened.

BlessedAssurance · 31/01/2011 21:59

sorry ,didn't mean to go off.

thumbdabwitch · 31/01/2011 23:35

" I "married in", so am not "family","

makes you wonder who they think their sons SHOULD have married, hmm? their sister perhaps? Hmm Stupid thing for anyone to think - they're not bleedin' Rothschilds, marrying in-family to keep the fortune together.

thumbdabwitch · 31/01/2011 23:36

(mrsflittersnoop - I am NOT having a go at you in any way, only Hmm at your MIL)

hellymelly · 31/01/2011 23:57

I wish I was close to my MIL.She has had her moments of being kind,but is also the queen of the backhanded compliment,and clearly still resents me "taking away"her precious son.She is also less interested in my dds than I thought she would be. I feel affectionate towards her some of the time,as part of the family,but the bitchy comments do really get to me,as does the lack of fuss over the dds.I would LOVE a mil who couldn't wait to pick them up and showered them with lavish gifts and loads of attention.My MIL seems more interested in her next holiday.

Original poster
meantosay · 01/02/2011 09:22

Katiekitty

Yes, they are entitled to come on here and vent, just as I am entitled to come on here and say that some posters are hard on some MILs who haven't actually done anything wrong. If it is a 'daft OP' how come many people are agreeing with it.

What a silly response.

OP posts:
Original poster
meantosay · 01/02/2011 09:24

2rebecca
I don't think anyone said that criticising MILs should be out of bounds. Some of us are just criticisng DILs who we think are a bit over the top or unkind. Should that be 'out of bounds'?

OP posts:
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