To think some posters are very hard on the MILs

[meantosay]

They can't call around without an invite

They can't pick the baby up without permission

They can't buy the dcs presents because it's just 'junk' that 'clutters up the house'.

They can't ask to take the baby for a walk because that's 'taking over'

and on, and on, and on.

Read a lot on here about posters being reduced to tears by their MILs (sometimes understandably) but I wonder how many MILs go home in tears because yet another well meant gesture has been thrown back in their faces, or they have been made to feel like they have no right to a special relationship with their grandchildren?

"A daughter's a daughter for all of your life
A son's a son until he takes a wife."

Oh that´s and old saying-rooted in truth at all?

I think maybe daughters just stay closer to their mums.

Are "difficult" MILs the ones who have no daughters or is it just personality?

My MIL doesn´t seem to be able to relate to me at all or my daughter come to think of it.
(Husband an only child so she seems to think that means that she can´t relate to females
Although she has sisters.

And my mum only has daughters, but she´s always got on well with mine & my sisters boyfriends and now our husbands.

I think the MIL gets a very raw deal from some people. It must be horrible feeling you cannot do anything right.

My parents-in-law don't do everything the same as I would with my daughter, but I know they love her with all their hearts and would go through fire for her. That's all I need to know - the rest is detail.

I think as long as MIL loves your child and bonds well with it, whether she picks them up slightly differently, feeds them a few sweets or covers them in horrendous pink outfits is not worth arguing over.

Also, MIL is one of the few people that never gets bored talking about all DD's little quirks and minor milestones, and how immensely cute she is and always agrees with me that she is the smartest, sweetest and wonderful child on earth. I wouldn't miss her for the world and I know my DD will be a happier child for growing up with two loving grandparents.

I just phoned my mil this morning because I was concerned about some chicken I had defrosted (and I have a horrid cold I cant smell a thing) had a lovely chat and then left.

On thursday its my 15th Wedding anniversary Ive known mil for 17 years I can truthfully say I love her to pieces I will be devastated the day she passes away. For me she has enriched my life and that of my children.

Ciske has just said it so much better than I could have. That is exactly what I mean by this thread.
Thanks Ciske.

diddl I wouldn't say I was particularly close to my Mum until I had kids. We didn't have a bad relationship, but I have always been closer to my Dad.

It does change when you have kids, IME/IMO. You want to turn to someone who knows what you're going through, who has been there, done that, and can tell you it's all going to be okay in the end...and that person is normally your mum.

My MIL has a daughter but my DD was her first GC. She wanted to take over. I'll never quite forgive her for insisting on coming to meet DD before my parents, on day three when my boobs were on fire and I was trying to get to grips with BF. She barged in to the bedroom whilst I was sat there trying to get DD to feed, boobs out, crying in pain. I didn't want my MIL, I wanted my Mum!

MIL has always said weird things like "you're my daughter now" when I married DH and calls my DD "my little girl" (meaning hers). There are all kinds of issues in the past she is trying to (over-)compensate for, and it's too much.

And yet she has told me in the past how much she disliked her own MIL...and her own mother in my presence has told her she's being an overbearing MIL to me and to leave me alone!

My MIL means well, I know that, but as another poster said, she is still trying to be the matriarch of the family, which DH and I don't need/want at this stage in our lives.

I do feel sorry for her generation. Their own mothers are only just relinquishing the matriarch roles and just when they think it's their time, along comes our generation of 20/30/40-somethings having kids and wanting to do things our way and not needing their help as much as previous generations would have done. It must be tough.

I think it should be a case by case evaluation, instead of lumping mils and fils in two distinct camps all the time.

That birthday cake story is a prime example of how some DILs read all kinds of hidden messages into perfectly innocent gestures from their MILs.

MIL offering to take DGCs on an outing at the weekend is 'deliberately imposing on family time'.

MIL saying how her other DGC is reading already is 'putting down' DIL's DCs.

MIL making herself a cup of tea is 'taking over the place.'

Yes, there are nightmare MILs but none of the above type stuff fits into that category but is often slated on here.

meantosay Tue 01-Feb-11 09:24:29
2rebecca
I don't think anyone said that criticising MILs should be out of bounds. Some of us are just criticisng DILs who we think are a bit over the top or unkind. Should that be 'out of bounds'?

I agree, and again rather than start a thread about it, next time you see someone who you think is being unfairly harsh on their MIL - say so on that thread! I think you'll be surprised that others will agreee with you.

I do say so. I also wanted to start a thread on the issue as well as it's something I wanted views on in general. That is allowed, as far as I know.

Sorry, I thought that post was addressed to me on a previous thread I started when I joined Mumsnet.

I think that daughters renegotiate their relation ship with their mums at some point and it takes on an adult, friendly tone. They go shopping together for example but it is very unlikely that the mum will turn up at daughter's accomodation she is renting with friends and just start cleaning it/making food for everyone.
This renegotiation doesn't seem to happens with sons cooking/cleaning and will continue until the son's wife/baby mother says 'Oi stop taking over my house there are boundaries you know'.
That is fair. It is fair for the DIL to expect adult relationships between her, her dh and the PILs. The issue is that the mother/son relationship is so (often, majority) not bought into adulthood until a DIL has to do it for them.
MILs should (at least when the gc is a 'baby') accept that the DILs mum will have a different experience of the baby due to the relationship with the baby's mother. As someone posted above noone wants their MIL sitting there when their boobs are hanging out and baby won't latch on 5 days in. Mum would be okay, a help. My DH travels and when he's away for a couple of nights and I want some company I ask my mum not my MIL because that's more fun for me. That's the way it is...
A MIL who acts/is (?) oblivious to the pitfalls of the DIL/MIL relationship and does exactly what she wants/sees as her due is likely to get on DILS tits especially as she is finding her feet as a mother and getting no sleep.
Mumsnet seems a good place to vent about MIL getting on your tits.

So, to conclude YABU.

Needanewname

I would rather start a thread on the matter as sometimes it's not so much the OP I disagree with but the other posters coming on saying 'oh I know how you feel. Wait until I tell you what my MIL did...'. Also, I often just don't open some of the MIL threads anymore as so many of them are over something ridiculous.

ps no worries Swan. I agree with you.

I think it's a ridiculous and pointless thread, making generalisations about whole groups of people.

There could equally be a thread about some posters being very hard on dils/sils/gcs.

It's more about the specifics within each situation that matters. Not some sweeping bolleaux about, "Oh poor mils/fils/dhs/dds,"

But you are allowed to make ridiculous and pointless threads of course.

I think maybe that the problem often is that there is a lot more history than what is in the post.

My MIL is a PITA. If I complained about one or two things she has done, then I would look unreasonable. However, if you combine the last 11 years of nonsense and picking away at me, saying nasty things to other family members about me etc etc, it's cumulative. Like a child who is picked on with a comment or 2 every day, eventually you get to breaking point and can't take it anymore. And if you have just had a baby, your threshold for breaking point is considerably lower and fueled with hormones!

So YABU.

Well, I don't think it's ridiculous or pointless ItsGrim. There are an awful awful lot of MIL threads, and many of them over silly things. Therefore, I have a view that some DILS on Mumsnet are very hard on their MILs. That is not a generalisation. A generalisation would be if I said 'DILs are always hard on their MILs'. Totally different thing. And it has been made very clear on this threat that it is not all MIL complaints that I and other posters think are unreasonable. We have outlined the type of stuff we think is unfair.

Hmmm. I go by four rules when dealing with my MIL (who generally I have a very good relationship with) and any perceived slights or incidents.

1. Would I be similarly annoyed if it was my OWN mother doing this? If not, then there is probably nothing really to get upset about and I should wind my neck in.

1. What is the intention behind the behaviour? Is her wiping up in the kitchen her trying to be helpful, or has she said other things which makes me think that she doesn't think my house is tidy or hygienic enough? If I say I can't remember the words to a nursery rhyme and she straight away sings it to DS, is this because she thinks "oh yes, that's a nice one to sing" or is she making a little dig?

1. One "iffy moment" per visit or so is fine and not worth getting upset about. But when, after one two hour babysitting visit on our return i) I had her looking daggers when I said we hadn't really missed our DS, ii) when I said I can't seem to get a decent burp out of the baby today and she says "oh, I've managed it, iii) when she says the temperature of the room is too high and the thermostat was in another room (hinting that it should be in the same room as the baby) iv) when they complain they can't find any babygros in the right size in the drawers (hinting that I am disorganised) and then v)rifling through the drawers and getting out a hat which SIL had bought and putting it on top of the buggy to ensure it gets worn

...that is the sort of micromanagement, one-upmanship and sniffiness over my parenting skills that I do not need to hear, not all in one ten minute period, so then I snapped at her (a response which was in proportion to the situation, rather than giving it both barrels)

1. When I reckon there have been at least 100 petty incidences of criticism of my parenting, then I get to criticise hers. To her face. Can't all be a one way street.

Of course its allowed Swan and meantosay, but I think that most of us agree with you (in fact I think we're all agreeing with each other!) but I feel that its better to say something at the time to someone (not always the OP).

I feel it would be wrong of me to start a new thread complaining about how people arent; allowed to have a moan about their MIL just because some people think some DIL are unreasonable - so I said so!!

And as I've said many times before, I also agree with you re people MIL bashing!!!

i agree with teenyann and winky. My MIL is completely overbearing and very much devastated at losing her precious son. She came out with some ridiculous things when I miscarried my baby, of which some i find unforgivable. the only person she thought about was herself and losing 'her grandchild', how was she going to cope. With some people its a cumulation of things over many years and then it becomes every petty thing grates on you.

I think DIL's who have lovely relationships with their MIL's are probably few and are extremely lucky.

Some mil are great and i'm jelous of this. I'd love my mil to buy my DC anything, useful or tat I wouldn't care. I'd love my mil to want to pick up my DC or to want to spend some time with them. I'd love to be able to have a nice conversation with her or be able to ask her for advice or confide in her but unfortunatley in my case that is impossible. Mil's like everyone are all very different and some dil's (and sil's) are luckier than others.

I've never actually seen a thread where the things you cite are written of. Given that there are apparently so many its incited you to start this ridiculous and pointless insightful and positive thread, can you give concrete examples?

I've read where dils are feeding the baby and somebody takes it off her without asking which imo, is unacceptable.

Or where the baby is sleeping and somebody picks it up - that too would hack me off because I might have spent ages getting the baby to sleep. But not the examples you've given.

I always think that the history of relationships is ignored a lot too.

I forgot to say even though my mil is quite a difficult person to be around, my fil is absolutley wonderful so it's not all bad.

Oh and I think going round to someone's house univinted - whoever you are - is rude actually.

What if they're have sex upstairs? A much needed five minute interlude by themselves? Or just don't want to see that person? Are you saying dils shouldn't have the choice as to who they see at their home? Because they're dils? Bonkers.

wannaBe - I think I said that once ("they have to accept that you are his family now, not them") but it was in the case of a particularly horrible MIL/DH relationship where the MIL would keep the children for overnights without getting permission from the mum in question. It wasn't meant (though perhaps not explained well) to say that the husband should no longer have a relationship with his mum, but rather that his primary focus should be the new little family unit of his partner and their children. He should see his mum as much as he wants - but not at the expense of his own wife and children. Just my opinion.

In my case my MIL is great. The PIL have their flaws and things that annoy me but my own parents have more (just happen to be further away) and am sure I'm pretty annoying sometimes myself :).

Most of the time I think the MIL threads here are fine. It is just people venting and you do talk more about bad experiences than good - for the same reason there are more negative DH threads than positive ones. Yes, I occasionally worry that as I only have a son whether I will be able to stay close to him as he grows older, but I don't plan to be an interfering and overbearing MIL, so hopefully I will be. Time will tell.