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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some posters are very hard on the MILs

238 replies

meantosay · 31/01/2011 13:41

They can't call around without an invite

They can't pick the baby up without permission

They can't buy the dcs presents because it's just 'junk' that 'clutters up the house'.

They can't ask to take the baby for a walk because that's 'taking over'

and on, and on, and on.

Read a lot on here about posters being reduced to tears by their MILs (sometimes understandably) but I wonder how many MILs go home in tears because yet another well meant gesture has been thrown back in their faces, or they have been made to feel like they have no right to a special relationship with their grandchildren?

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 01/02/2011 14:41

2Rebecca, it happened to me. I dated dh for two years. All seemed normal with his parents. He called them once a week. Saw them every six to eight weeks, if that.

Then we decided to get married and my word, we found out what controlling meant! They genuinely felt it was their wedding to make decisons on.

And then we had our first ds and we found out even more! They behaved as if they'd just had a baby and should be making parental decisions such as when to wean, how to feed, etc.

But it's all fine now. Personal space boundaries are respected and all is well in the family life.

TallulahdoesthehulainHawaii · 01/02/2011 14:47

diddl I had never heard that saying until I read it on MN, funnily enough on another MIL/DIL thread.

BlessedAssurance · 01/02/2011 15:58

Mrs Moo you said it so much better than i would have, my MIL used to make me physically sick when i knew she would be coming, i would sweat and want to puke, my heart would race and i was and am scared of her. She will not hear a negative response and take it in the manner its given, if you say she can't do something then you have to pay somewhere somehow, and this is the same woman who left her two sons alone when they were 7 years to go on a week's holiday, she is not close to her sons, BIL moved to Asia to get away from her, but its easy, she has millions so she just spend 6 months in Asia, has managed to piss of BIL's girlfriend, already, however the reason why i never say much is she is still my DD's grandmother and seems to like DD, otherwise i wouldn't bother, so to those DILs with lovely MIL, lucky you and what a blessing, i have absolutely no family near me except DH and now DD, it would have been nice if MIL not loved me but just accepted that i was her son's choice, and to think i call her mum,,aghhhhh.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 01/02/2011 16:04

My MIL has been known to take everything out of my cupboards, clean and rearrange....which is bloody offensive and insulting...she also cooks awful meals without asking me if I had something planned already.

DH and I were having a quiet row once and she came downstairs and joined in! She was staying with us...my own Mother would NEVER do things like this so WHY does MIL?

Original poster
meantosay · 01/02/2011 16:48

Remind me never to post a thread with MIL in the title. Some people just seem to use it as an excuse to launch into yet another rant explanation of why they don't like their MIL.

Yes, I know there are difficult MILs. That wasn't my point though. I am talking about the MILs who get flamed for just wanting to take the baby for a walk or buy them a present and get all sorts of precious rules and regulations about don't do this, don't do that, as if they never reared a child themselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
meantosay · 01/02/2011 16:48

sorry meant yet another rant

OP posts:
BlessedAssurance · 01/02/2011 17:08

:o i hear you meantosay but i just couldn't resist having a rant, because i have never had one, so you see, your thread has made my day, you should know by now how threads go, they go every other way except the OP's way..

BlessedAssurance · 01/02/2011 17:09

BTW i do like mine, she just won't give me a chance to be close,, but i agree with your post.

diddl · 01/02/2011 17:17

"She's a lovely woman really. Just doesn't get boundaries."

Sounds as if no one has ever told her no!

I do wonder if some MILs expect too much also, though.

I know some must worry about not seeing much of GC as DIL will perhaps prefer spending time with her own mum.

But some seem to think that they will be loved purely for being your husband´s mum-without any effort on their part.

JingleMum · 01/02/2011 17:33

i do see my own mum more than MIL, my mum's my friend, whereas MIL isn't. i would love her to be, i'd love to go shopping with her, or go for lunch with her but she's not the type. she bores me to be honest, we are very different but i always make the effort with her and i honestly do care a great deal for her.

i wonder if it really is just mother's with sons? i know not all mum's with sons are like this (i know from experiences with my own family) but my MIL only has sons and she's a bit interfering, she constantly feels the night to start cooking or cleaning when she's in my house, she also likes to have an opinion on how we should parent, whereas my own mum isn't involved like that at all. she just lets me get on with it. at DD's christening, MIL kept taking DD off people and she done it repeatedly to my own mum. it didn't bother my mum at all but it bothered me as MIL had spent plenty of time that day with DD. maybe i'm just not used to someone intefering? orf maybe MIL feels the need to compensate because she knows i'm close to my mum?

JingleMum · 01/02/2011 17:49

*the night? i meant need!

ItsGrimUpNorth · 01/02/2011 18:44

Meantosay, you posted in aibu.

People disagreed with you. People went off on a tangent.

You didn't like other people expressing their opinions that were different to yours.

Doesn't bode well for your days as a mil, does it? Grin

HappySeven · 01/02/2011 19:43

Meantosay, you know what you mean, I know what you mean and quite a few people on here know what you mean (and agree!). I'd give up on those who seem to want an argument.

Grandmar · 01/02/2011 19:57

Some are lovely,
Some are sad.
Check mum out
along with the lad.

pranma · 01/02/2011 20:05

we are people just like you :)
I am m-i-l and was d-i-l and have had no real problems but probably better by luck than good management.No one can generalise about a whole group.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 01/02/2011 20:19

Why post here if you just expect everyone to agree with you?

FortunateHamster · 01/02/2011 20:26

meantosay - this is what happens on any thread though. There are tangents. People want to discuss the wider aspects of living with a MIL that it brings up. You started the discussion but it's probably a waste of energy to spend too much time trying to keep it on the (very narrow) track you were aiming for.

The general feeling I am getting from the thread is people agreeing with you, but saying that very often people post justified MIL threads too.

thumbdabwitch · 01/02/2011 21:29

It's not always possible to know how your man is going to be with his mum - in my case, DH's mum was in Australia, and the only chances I had to see them interact where the 2x2week holidays I had at her house. Then she came over for our wedding but so did her sister - and they were both very eager to help out so as not to put any pressure on me, having them both stay in our house.

It wasn't until we moved to Australia, when DS was 20mo, that I found out how reliant DH was on her help. But to be fair, I had a discussion with him about it and the situation has improved. But we had been together for 6 1/2 years by then - mostly in England. DH seemed to be fairly self-reliant - after all, he was living away from home in another country - but that was only while he had to be.

bibbitybobbityhat · 01/02/2011 21:38

My sil (my dh's brother's wife) is way way way closer to her mil (my mil also, do you follow?) than her own mother. Simply because mil takes an interest in her children and wants to spend time with them and offers to babysit etc.

It doesn't always follow that women are close to their mothers. Mils can fill a gap here and be much appreciated and loved.

mum295 · 01/02/2011 22:36

thumbdabwitch My MIL was also overseas until after DH and I got married.

DH had grown up and become independent whilst she was overseas. But when she moved to the same country as us the fun started! We established some ground rules, and she learned the hard way that if she turned up unannounced on a Sunday morning before 10am then we'd still be in bed, but much more work has had to be done on that front since DCs came along.

As others have said, I think the popularity of MIL threads on MN is because it's a "safe" forum, a place where we can come and vent things we wouldn't say to our DPs or anyone else, especially not our MILs! Maybe we're more honest with our own mothers? I think the "my DH is useless" threads occur time and time again for the same reason. Rather than risk a row, we put it on here instead?

juleswill · 01/02/2011 22:56

There are just different boundaries between Mothers & Daughters and MILs and DILs. If my Mum does something that irritates me I can just tell her. If my MIL does, I can't - therefore it's easier to rant somewhere else.

Surely better to do that than rip her head off for suggesting something which isn't entirely unreasonable when you look at it in black and white, but at that moment in time you find really irritating?

Also, I want and need my Mum around - I have MIL by default! I also trust my Mum more because I have a deep insight into her parenting skills/ safety consciousness etc. - she brought me up!

We are not all perfect and I think there are often going to be feelings of jealousy and possessiveness on the side of the MIL, and possessiveness and irritation on the side of the DIL - they may be irrational, but nevertheless they are there, and it is good to have someone to vent to.

I think MILs often go totally over the top because they feel insecure and displaced when their DS marries and has children - Mums of daughters generally don't have those same feelings as the relationship with their daughter isn't threatened by them having a DH/DP.

Original poster
meantosay · 02/02/2011 10:38

Oh dear, Grim. Don't like people not 'coming around to your way of thinking and realising the error of their ways'?? Can't wait to see 'you' as a MIL Grin.

OP posts:
Original poster
meantosay · 02/02/2011 10:41

I agree AIBU is a 'safe forum' but there is something distasteful about a load of strangers ripping apart some kind grandmother who just blundered a bit eg buying toys when DIL had no place to store them, or baking a birthday cake when DIL had already bought one. People then go on to compare 'yes,my MIL is like that. She had ds adopted when we weren't looking last night' as if the two types of behaviour are comparable and MIL one is just as bad as MIL two.

OP posts:
juleswill · 02/02/2011 11:01

Well in a way, if the posters see that other people have it far worse with their MILs, perhaps it helps put things into perspective?

And with the cake thing I would be a bit Hmm if MIL, Mum, SIL, friend, or anyone turned up having baked a birthday cake without asking if it was wanted or needed.

And these sorts of things are often ways of being passive aggressive - especially if there is some sort of history there. Most people wouldn't react like that if it was a one off. I do know some friend's MILs who really would do it to make a point that they think DIL can't cook, won't do it right, will buy a shop bought cake etc.

I am sure when we are all MILs ourselves we will be slagging off our DILs - it's just that the relationship itself is always going to be a difficult one. The MIL loves her DS and DGCs but will never have the same unconditional love for her DIL, and vice versa, however they are very involved in each others lives, and things will quite often irritate on both sides, and cause friction.

juleswill · 02/02/2011 11:04

I should add, the posts have made me seem that the minor issues I have with my MIL pale into insignificance when I read what other people have to put up with - and makes me count my blessing!