To think some posters are very hard on the MILs

[meantosay]

They can't call around without an invite

They can't pick the baby up without permission

They can't buy the dcs presents because it's just 'junk' that 'clutters up the house'.

They can't ask to take the baby for a walk because that's 'taking over'

and on, and on, and on.

Read a lot on here about posters being reduced to tears by their MILs (sometimes understandably) but I wonder how many MILs go home in tears because yet another well meant gesture has been thrown back in their faces, or they have been made to feel like they have no right to a special relationship with their grandchildren?

I keep my MIL at arm's length. I don't like or respect several aspects of her personality. Dh feels the same way. I don't owe her any special favours by virtue of the fact that she happens to be my dh's mother. I am not trying to be controversial, btw. That is just the way I feel.

Bucharest

I did not dictate who says what to whom. I pointed out that people were arguing a point that hadn't been made in my OP. Or does starting a thread mean you have no right to reply? Because that doesn't seem to be in the MN rulebook either.

mean2say for christs sake go and cook the tea, your kids are hungry and pour yourself a glass of wine!

Op asks an aibu, someone says yes and here's why and op tells them they're being over analytical and need to get out more?

That makes a whole heap of sense.

Not read the whole thread but do agree with the OP. From various posts on here it seems MIL's are expected to babysit at the drop of a hat yet must not treat the children to sweets, must not buy plastic toys, not to visit without being invited etc.

I love to treat DS and know I would get the same pleasure from treating any granchildren that may come along. Would hate to not be able to do all those things with grandchildren because their mother says no.

And some MILs expect DILs to understand on the daily basis that they are never part of the family. And while visiting the children should behave, look prim and proper (just like father) otherwise DILs are bad mothers.

My MIL passes me the clothes that she first buys for her DD child- but they are not to her taste...and she tells me this herself with almost a pride as to how common I am.

I do wish my PIL would have been alive would have kept the reigns on her a bit tighter- she has been getting away with murder because "she is a widow" sympathy!!

Shifting family relations when a kid grows up, when they get married and have babies is hard enough to cope with without negativity and feeling undermined - on the parts of all mothers, whether dils or mils or sils. I'm sure for the male counterparts too but this thread seems to focus on the women.

It takes a while for everyone to shuffle about, realise what each person needs and to acknowledge that perhaps what they want isn't the most important thing.

But I always feel it's the new mums that have just had the real life changing shock to their system and possibly to their relationships. I know I did. I felt totally invaded by everyone. It just took me time to get used to it all.

I think if everybody just backed off and totally indulged the new mothers and their perhaps sometimes seemingly unreasonable notions for the first months, a lot of strife would be avoided.

But having said that, I'd never go round to anyone's house uninvited. Not even my grown up child's. That is rude.

Some incidents that DIL's complain about may seem petty but they could be the straw that broke the camels back. For the 2/3 months previously there could be another 100/200+ incidents, that individually may seem petty, that the DIL hasn't mentioned on here but have cumulated until she's finally exploded over this last thing. So try and remember when you read the thread there may be other stuff that has built up that you don't know about and isn't in the op because otherwise it would be endless.

As for turning up uninvited none of my family do that. They ring first a. to see if I'm in and b. to see if I'm not too busy which I may be as I'm doing a degree which involves a lot of reading as well as the essays/presentations/exams that need to be done/prepared for. If it's just the MIL that is expected to 'make an appointment' then it's unreasonable. However, if it applies to everyone then I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect at least a phone call first.

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You are most kind, thumbwitch.

Problem stems from the fact that H does agree with me about no weeknight events etc etc.

But he just buckles when they get on his case about it, turns around and shouts at me and how much more my parents see of DS than his (they live in the same city - PILs live a long, long drive away).

I'm over it but it's heartbreaking what it's doing to DS. I hope PILs don't imagine their relationship with him (and the one on the way) is going to be dramatically closer once I'm off the scene.

Naughty, that is just heartbreaking.

I remember when we once talked of this sort of thing & husband said there was no way he would spend all "his" time with the children seeing his parents and that they would probably see less of them than they already did.

naughty - :( :(. Your H is an arse then. So sorry that he is.