To think some posters are very hard on the MILs

[meantosay]

They can't call around without an invite

They can't pick the baby up without permission

They can't buy the dcs presents because it's just 'junk' that 'clutters up the house'.

They can't ask to take the baby for a walk because that's 'taking over'

and on, and on, and on.

Read a lot on here about posters being reduced to tears by their MILs (sometimes understandably) but I wonder how many MILs go home in tears because yet another well meant gesture has been thrown back in their faces, or they have been made to feel like they have no right to a special relationship with their grandchildren?

My MIL is a nasty, vindictive, old bag. She comes to stay for up to two weeks at a time, after 20 years she still doesn't know where the kettle is, she was so rude to my cleaner once, the cleaner refused ever to come when she was here again. She measures children by their GCSE grades, she laughs at other people and bad mouths people she thinks are uneducated, she (and when he was alive PIL) has spend every christmas for 20 years with us, her own daughters left home at 18 and live on different continents, they visit about once every five years and one doesn't even call her mother on Xmas day and didn't bother to come to her father's funeral. The old bag made comments about me being unable to perform after DS2 died after being born at 27 weeks. She disapproves of the children going to private schools because it's against her principles. When her mum died she couldn't visit her dad before the funeral because it would have meant buying a full price ticket. I have also had to listen to lots of comments about only children being spoilt and teachers can always pick them out (I am an only child - most people tell me they would never guess), I am extravagant (Boden trousers for 59 quid - and yes - wait for it ....I have a car!) and lots and lots of comments over the years about how practical I am because I didn't go to uni and isn't it great I'm a brilliant cook - not like her children who were very academic and all went to Russell Group Uni's. In 20 years I think I have failed about twice to button it and frankly think I deserve a fucking medal - I'm also pretty sure about who will end up looking after my mum and their mum. Oh yes, and in 16 years, she has never actually bought the DC a present - not at xmas or for a birthday - yes she has given money but nothing to be unwrapped not even something small because she can't be bothered. So actually I think YABU and with that RANT over - but please don't think all dils are horrid some of us are long suffering and my advice to some of you young ones is don't make a rod for your own backs like I have.

Some of the MIL behaviour described on MN is outrageous and totally unacceptable. Some of the DIL behaviour is too.

The MIL and DIL relationship is bound to be tricky at times. It's a close relationship but not a blood one. There's different backgrounds, customs and often cultures involved. A bit of mutual respect goes a long way.

I have a difficult MIL. She is also a difficult mother. She has become a difficult grandmother. She wants to be a matriach in a family that has no need for one. We just ignore her and laugh

YANBU.

I think the MIL-haters are the same people who don't like their DH/DPs doing things for other family members.
I find the idea that men should immediately cease all other obligation/relationships with their families when they get married or move in with a partner really upsetting.

YANBU. I think my first post on AIBU was on a similar issue.

I cringe when I read some of the anti mil threads on here and feel so, so sorry for some of the poor grandmothers who obviously have to walk on egg shells around a stroppy DIL. Like Mutznutz, I wonder how they will behave when they're MILs. I doubt very much they will allow themselves to be frogmarched around the place, not giving presents, not showing the baby off, not doing ANYTHING that might upset poor mummy, like they do to their MILs.

I think it's so sad when someone posts something like "MIL wants to come, but I would rather it's just family" Just imagine how welcome that mil must feel!

I'd like to know that if the same women moaning about their MILs picking up the baby without asking permission have such high standards for their own mothers?

I only dislike my MIL when she goes on about immigrants (my GPs were all born abroad), tells me she might vote BNP (rather than Tory) and tells me how I should smack DS for minor things. Apart from that she is great.

She loves DS and DS loves her. That is lovely the other stuff not so.

I know what the OP means, though I also read stories about MIL behaviour that is shocking. My first long term partners mother was awful so I can sympathise with some women and I am thankful I didn't marry into that family partially because I couldn't have coped with her. But I do think some ppl go a bit OTT in the way they interprit thier MIL's actions, but ppl cannot always see it from the other side. I love my MIL, she is amazing and my partner and I both want to live near her when the baby is born as I would want her to be a big part of my family. Although, if she did take the baby out without asking me I would be peeved but I know she would ask me or my DP first. I don't think we will always agree, we are already in a disagreement over whether baby will be circumcised (traditional in our culture), I do not want it but MIL and DP think it best for hygiene and cultural reasons. These are the times when you have to excercise diplomacy and even if you have to put your foot down, be tactful and don't see disagreements as an attack or undermining. Its consideration on both sides I suppose.

If you want to ta year with MY Mil and then commen...feel free!!

I agree with OP - the poster that binned MIL's cake because making the cake was "her thing" just beyond pathetic. Many of my friends have fab MILs my sisters is just lovely.

Sadly mine is awful. She is currently not speaking to us for reasons unspecified. Last weekend she put the phone down on DD (aged 4) so have every sympathy with those that genuinely have difficult MIls.

after 20 years she still doesn't know where the kettle is

yet if she marched in and stuck the kettle on, you would be slagging her off for being too familiar

Sadly my in laws both died when my children were very young. They were older grandparents anyway as my oh was 40 when our first was born so they were never going to be an option for babysitting or more hands on stuff but it never occured to me that they would have to ask before picking up their own grandchild, or buying them a present or wanting to come see us.
I only have boys so someday i am going to be an inlaw and can only hope that my daughter in law doesn't want to exclude me from my grandchildren lives(or hope that my sons have enough backbone to stand up against unreasonsable wives demands)

Mine is 100% well meaning but controlling beyond belief.
She wants to be in control of everything and everyone all of the time and it does drive me totally potty at times.

She is seriously lacking in tact too - when I had a miscarriage recently that went very wrong she asked me

'how much blood did you lose then? Alot? You look like you lost alot'
I ended up going to bed.

Argh. But I am in no doubt that she loves DH and me very much , just wish she would take a step back!!!

Crack Fox makes a very salient point. All these outrageous liberties that mils take, are often tolerated and encouraged in regards to the maternal grandmother. Very unfair.

My mother feels she has to walk on egg shells whenever she sees my SIL. My SIL is a very sensitive person and has a long history of totally dropping friends or family members for very petty reasons. But my mother loves seeing her GC, so feels she has no choice but to walk on egg shells.

My MIL didn't start well, she was fine before we got engaged and then she flipped out (asked dh why he was marrying me, phoned up MY mother and told her that I was ruining sil life and hers because we wanted to get married, told me that as my db/ds had a different mother I wouldn't know what it was like to have brothers and sisters ) it was horrendous but I knew where I stood when dh told her that one more outburst and she was out! My mother always pointed out that once we had gc I would be the one holding the cards and she would regret some heated and silly statements that she had made.

I have never stopped her from seeing the dgc and we have only had one stroppy session since and have put it down to hormones, however nice she is to me now (and she is, she really really is,) I have a slight distrust for her and can't forgive some of the heated things that were said. I do however never get undermined by her, I leave her to do that to her own dd !

In my first month after DD I could have written a 'my evil MiL' post. She bought me loads of PINK clothes for DD, she was there all the time, she picked DD up when she was sleeping (but to be fair DD was an awful, awful sleeper and had only just got to sleep so I was on tenterhooks).

I look back at what a bitch I was and cringe. My MiL is an incredibly wonderful woman who adores her GD. She helps whenever she can and lavishes all three of us we with love. I was basically incredibly overwhelmed with hormones and no-one could do anything right.

I bet a lot of the people who post negatively calm down once they realise that their PFB isn't going to explode if picked up - and a few months later when Granny takes a tantrummy PFB off their hands and they have a minute to themselves for the first time in months!

She still buys DD loads of stuff we've never asked for - I have bought DD three toys in her life and our house is FILLED with toys which is pretty wonderful) but never dared buy DD pink clothes again. I still about that.

That being said, my MIL probably does walk on eggshells now around me but only because other family members have told her how hurtful she was to her ds and myself with no real reason!

Tell you what please have my MIL! She is so awful to me and my family and I am always having to play the grown up in tricky situations - while she plays the role of tantrumming toddler! My Mum is ok but some of my ex boyfriends have had such lovely mothers.

My MIL is lovely.

All the stuff that you are talking about though is the very early newborn stuff. And even lovely people can forget exactly what it's like to have just given birth and be dealing with a new baby, with hormones all over the place and breastfeeding problems.

To be honest, in my family it was my side that was the issue, because they were geographically closer and could "pop by". They weren't trying to be invasive, but they were. All the women in my Mum's generation had had their week in hospital with hot and cold running midwives to recover. The only baby born before my first had some (thankfully minor) issues at birth and was kept in hospital with his Mum for a week. So they hadn't really clued into the fact that you could be discharged and at home, but still very weak and vunerable. I'd had a very long and difficult labour, the delivery was very traumatic and my DD almost died shortly afterwards. But I was discharged after a day in the postnatal ward and went home to what felt like a stream of visitors while I was in a lot of pain, unable to sit or stand for any length of time, struggling to breastfeed, coping with the 3-day postnatal baby blues and with a baby that screamed constantly.

Despite knowing that I was struggling my (very lovely, very involved and loving) Mum still kept putting on the emotional pressure for me to have visitors. And I wasn't feeling strong enough to say no. Even though we had been specifically told that for medical reasons that DD was to be left alone and not passed around like pass the parcel.

Anyway, I suppose what I'm saying is that I can completely understand the grandparents' desire to visit and be involved, but when the baby is still a baby that the grandparents should take their cues from how much the mum can cope with.

Here endeth the lesson.

I feel very lucky that I have the best mil I could ever wish for but if I didn't like her I would probably bitch about her too

I'm glad so many people agree with me. I understand that sometimes, with a new baby, you just want a bit of peace and quiet and to be left alone. But, like other posters have said, it's often okay for the maternal grandmother to call around and help out with the baby but not MIL. Obviously you're going to feel more comfortable with your own mum but the baby has two grandmothers who want to be involved and cutting one out is very unfair.
Also, a lot of the moaning on here is not about new babies but about older children being 'spoilt' or their routine 'not being respected'. I think some posters really don't understand the value of the grandparent-grandchild relationship and how much depth it can add to a child's life - even if it occasionally means having dinner later than usual, or eating sweets mid week, or missing bathtime one night or whatever MIl has done now to upset the careful routine of the perfect family.

Agree with you entirely.

My mum was a spoiler. Sweets and late nights and letting my son away with murder. Ohhh we did fall out about it.

But then she died. We were all devastated by it. All of a sudden the meddling, the spoiling, the flagrant disregard for my ideas didn't seem to matter a jot any more.

My younger two never knew her. It breaks my heart.

I fully encourage my mil to poke her nose in and spoil to her heart's content.

Some things just don't matter as much as you think they do.

Stop being so uptight all you dils....let granny in to play.

Some MIL's ask for it though. They really do. I don't even see mine, she is vile.

Perhaps it's just hard for them to see their precious boys with another woman, and that's why so many of them feel they have to be a PITA. Especially ones like mine who have never had any sort of a life other than her only child, even now he's 40 it's like she wants him to need her in the same way as he did when he was 4. She has put her own needs before his, while telling herself she is being a good Mum, but she wasn't, she just needed him near her because of her own insecurities. I just can't respect women like that. And it has worked against her, her own son doesn't even want to be around her that much because she faffs around him like she did when he was a baby.

I think you are right, people on here do tend to be quite mean about their MILs, especially when you can see that the MIL was only trying to do something nice. I have often felt extremely hurt on behalf of some of the MILs that are criticised on here.

That said, my MIL has always been quite hostile towards me and I know she doesn't like me.