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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some posters are very hard on the MILs

238 replies

meantosay · 31/01/2011 13:41

They can't call around without an invite

They can't pick the baby up without permission

They can't buy the dcs presents because it's just 'junk' that 'clutters up the house'.

They can't ask to take the baby for a walk because that's 'taking over'

and on, and on, and on.

Read a lot on here about posters being reduced to tears by their MILs (sometimes understandably) but I wonder how many MILs go home in tears because yet another well meant gesture has been thrown back in their faces, or they have been made to feel like they have no right to a special relationship with their grandchildren?

OP posts:
Original poster
meantosay · 31/01/2011 13:42

By the way, this thread isn't a dig at littlebdb who does seem to have genuine issues, it's something I've been meaning to post for a couple of days

OP posts:
TheVisitor · 31/01/2011 13:42

I do agree with you, to a degree. Whilst there are many, many women who have a fantastic relationship with their MIL, there is an element of what you describe.

MrSpoc · 31/01/2011 13:42

are people really lie that with their MIL?

SingingSands · 31/01/2011 13:43

I've thought this too. I might be a MIL myself one day and would hate to have my best intentions thrown back in my face.

I've been much nicer to my MIL since reading some stuff on here.

BeerTricksPotter · 31/01/2011 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ssd · 31/01/2011 13:45

i've just posted something similiar on another thread in active convo's

why don't we just all shoot all the MIL's out there, I mean they dare to actually love our babies, who do they think they are??

Needanewname · 31/01/2011 13:46

Whilst I agree with a lot you say meantosay (think I've just read the same thread as you), there are some truely terrible women out there who will do whatever to undermine their DIL / MIL.

The thread I think you are referring to to is about a new 1st time mum who is feeling rather sensitive and probably hormonal.

If course the MIL wants to show off her grandchild but should she pass that child to aother person (unknown to the parents) without first asking permission?

Some people like it when visitors turn up unannounced - great. Others hate it, surely it is up to the visitors to find out if this acceptable or not, if not son;t do it.

Some things mentioned may seem very small and petty but when added up together, along with the emotions running high after having a baby they are really upsetting.

Meantosay - are you a MIL by any chance? Do you have clashes with your DIL?

SparkleSoiree · 31/01/2011 13:46

My MIL is fab. She loves our children very much and her face fills with delight whenever we visit.

My children are very lucky to have somebody in their life who wants to love them so much outside ourselves.

McHobbes · 31/01/2011 13:47

Agree.

TheVisitor · 31/01/2011 13:47

I love my MIL, especially as she lives 200 miles away. Wink Seriously though, she would do anything for my family, and whilst she may drive me nuts, she's loved by all of us.

Needanewname · 31/01/2011 13:48

BTW, my MIL is fab, though always used to wait to be given the babies, never gives an opinion unless asked and tends to give money. I would have preferred her to pick up the babies, give some advice / opinion and but toys rather than money!!!

McHobbes · 31/01/2011 13:49

I get on really well with my mil, and her interference and clucking is very welcome. She is the kids' grandmother and loves them a lot.

Original poster
meantosay · 31/01/2011 13:49

Needanewname

No, I'm not a MIL and I did clarify that I wasn't referring to the Op you mention.
I just hate the way some OPs treat their MILs as if they're not part of the family anymore 'I own dp now and any of his progeny and nothing to do with you thank you'

OP posts:
fivegomadindorset · 31/01/2011 13:50

I would love PIL who cared about our children, who phoned and asked about them, who when in the same pkace actually interacted with them rather than ignore them for 12 hours. WE are seeing them in a couple of weeks, hope they may have changed.

clevercloggs · 31/01/2011 13:50

agree with OP

Im not a MIL yet but try and put myself in that position and would feel really hurt if i was treated like some of the posters on here treat their MILs for the slightest infringement, imagined or otherwise Hmm

bruffin · 31/01/2011 13:53

YANBU
Unfortunately there is an undercurrent of possesiveness on Mumsnet re children. They are treated like toys that nobody else is allowed to play with.
My DCs absolutely love their grandmothers to bits. They are now teenagers and still get excited by visits to see them. They are the most importatant people in their lives beside DH and I even though they don't get to see them that often, both a distance away now.
I wouldn't dream of getting upset if one of them had picked up the baby without asking permission etc.

Needanewname · 31/01/2011 13:53

Meantosay

I wrote the post before I saw your second post! It just seemed unfair when you were slating some of her complaints and they seemed quite fair to me.

As I said I agree with a lot of what you said, I just think it can be difficult without knowing all the facts. I also said that there were a lot of terrible DIL out there.

TheCrackFox · 31/01/2011 14:00

YANBU

Some MILs get accused of not helping out enough whilst on other threads MILs are accused of taking over. Confused They can't bloody win.

yes, some MILs nightmares but there seems to be an equal amount of nightmarish DILs too.

anonacfr · 31/01/2011 14:02

I think we get to hear extreme stories on this board. Think of all the posters- how many actually complain about their MILs?

For the record my MIL is great and the children love her. I find that she does have some annoying habits that wind me up- I'm fully aware that I am totally unreasonable about them though!
Example- giving the kids sweet/food 5 mns before meals. It's petty, happens a fortnight a year and it's not a big deal.
I get over it because she's a lovely woman and a great grandmother. I would never dream of saying anything to her.

crje · 31/01/2011 14:02

Just depends on the mil I think,
mine is a cow but for the most part I
bite my lip.
She is not a good granny so I don't feel any bond/connection with her.
My dh gets embarassed about their lack of interest in us.

Why would I bother trying........

mutznutz · 31/01/2011 14:04

I totally agree with you OP

And the funny thing is, those with so much venom towards their MILs are the MILs of the future.

Anyone see a pattern forming? Wink

HappySeven · 31/01/2011 14:04

My MIL isn't perfect (who is?) but I know she means well and wants to do the best for us. When I had my DS we took him to see her (we're a long way away and my FIL had just died). She asked if she could pick him up and I was so surprised - of course she could, he's her grandson!

Perhaps I'm lucky but I think we both respect each other and realise how important the other one is to the people we love. I hope she always feels welcome in my home and that I can be as good a MIL one day.

Changing2011 · 31/01/2011 14:04

Agree.

McHobbes · 31/01/2011 14:05

Bruffin I agree with you.

Some posters on here do seem to treat their dc like prized possessions, not to be shared with the mil.

What IS all this 'mil picked up dc without asking me first' crap?

I know everyone is different, and the child's mother gets the unltimate say, but why do so many people jealously WANT the ultimate say soooo much over such teeny tiny things....like their mil being so unreasonable as to want a cuddle with the baby?

Some of the mil whining on here is preposterous, and really makes me dread being a mil myself. God forbid I should have such a mean spirited dil as some of the posters on here.

HappySeven · 31/01/2011 14:06

Sorry, that should have been a YANBU.

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