To think some posters are very hard on the MILs

[meantosay]

They can't call around without an invite

They can't pick the baby up without permission

They can't buy the dcs presents because it's just 'junk' that 'clutters up the house'.

They can't ask to take the baby for a walk because that's 'taking over'

and on, and on, and on.

Read a lot on here about posters being reduced to tears by their MILs (sometimes understandably) but I wonder how many MILs go home in tears because yet another well meant gesture has been thrown back in their faces, or they have been made to feel like they have no right to a special relationship with their grandchildren?

Well my MIL has behaved disgracefully on occasion and has said some awful hurtful things that I will never forget but I've always tried to be the better person and she has never been excluded from our lives. She's encouraged to join us for everything and we always accommodate her short notice demands.

It drives her mad

You are and you are not being unreasonable - I think some people do get over-precious about what their MIL is or isn't "allowed" to do - but others are fully justified in their boundary-setting or the woman would never stop!

My MIL is fab. But she would live here if she could, be over every day if she could, take over everything to do with looking after DH and DS if she could. I don't want her to - that's now my role and she has to step aside and let me do it. But I am happy to see her if she comes fewer than 4 times a week and if she doesn't immediately start weeding/washing up/pandering to DH's laziness. She's treading on my toes by doing those things, however well-meaning she is. (Note: I do NOT pander to DH's laziness - but it's hard going stopping him being lazy since his ma will just do everything for him given half a chance)

I think that's why it was a good idea in the old days that people with land and property had Dower Houses for the MIL to go and cool her heels in, rather than trying to stay in control when a new lady of the house arrived.

It does seem to be an absolute minefield, but I can see where the poster is coming from tbh.

My MIL wasn´t friendly to me-phoned my Mum to say that she was worried that I would hurt her son.

When we told them I was pregnant FIL sat me down to tell me how important it was that MIL & I got on

My parents used to come every week & we told ILs to do the same-but no, they only wanted to visit when husband was also there.

We are abroad & they have never visited.

TBH husband & I both wonder why we gave them any consideration at all.

When I am an MIL though I don't intend to visit my kids without an invite, I won't be picking up new born babies without asking a parent first and I won't come laden with presents every visit if I see them frequently.
My grandparents didn't behave like this to my parents and neither of my MILs (2nd marriage) behaved like this with me.
If you are an MIl you have to realise it is not your baby, but your grandchild and that your grandchild lives in someone else's house and that your kids have a right to some privacy and to do parenting without being watched all the time.
I hope the overbearing grandparents are in a minority. I think some mothers don't help themselves by not speaking up if they find the MIL/mum overbearing.

I must admit, before ds2 arrived, I had grave concerns about MIL being too overbearing. Certainly there were a few times when I grumbled to DH and felt overwhelmed.

But... they have taken ds1 on as their own and are Grandma and Grandpa to him, as they are to ds2. They never differentiate between the two. They are endlessly helpful and more supportive than my own mother. I would lay bets that MIL would defend me as ferociously as she would DH. They come every week and take ds2 out for a couple of hours and will happily babysit whenever asked.

Yes, MIL talks the hind legs off several donkeys and sometimes buys ds2 gifts that I would have liked to get him, but really, my life wouldn't be half so rich if they ween't around.

All I had to do was learn to let go a bit and open up to them. Looking back I can see why I was so uptight- my own mother makes such a big deal out of giving the smallest bit of help that I had learned to do it all my own and felt that I was failing if I didn't. I didn't realise that families could actually be so loving, supportive and involved without it meaning that I was failing in some way.

Anyway. That's my story. Obviously there are bad MILs out there (actually my own mother probably counts as one of them) but there are many that are just fab.

Oh and has anyone ever seen the website WWW.motherinlawstories.com ?

Some people have blog's called a frequent fry her page and some of the stories are truly shocking!

Better that people get it out on here, as often don't have anyone to vent to in RL?

I don't like to whinge to dp about her, but i need to get it out somewhere, so here is perfect! She doesn't read it, it doesn't hurt anyone, but makes me feel much better

Some posters are very hard on decent enough MILs, yes.

And some posters have had their MIL go and tell the headmistress of the school they are working at that their English teacher is nothing more than a prostitute who will stop at nothing to steal her son away. The same woman who came and told the other tenants in my building that I was a drug addled hooker.
And then told me that now my child was born I wouldn't be leaving Italy again, and that if my family wanted to see my child they could come and see her over here, because "that child is Italian and is not leaving this country".

MILs are people. Some are lovely. Some are vile. If posters want to offload on here about vile MILs, why shouldn't they? In all honesty, had it not been for another parenting forum keeping me sane in those early days (before I finally walked out of her house never to return) dp and I would not still be happily together because I would have had to leave. Because of her.

i have an offensive rude mil who constantly upset me when i was pregnant making personal comments re my weight and appearance in general in front of dp in order to test his loyalty...he wouldnt/couldnt stick up for me so i stopped having anything to do with her which is tricky and a source of tension between me and dp..but have concluded that shes just not a nice person. unfortunately she happens to be my ds's grandmother. a mil should realise the sensitive nature inherent to mil/dil dynamic and tread carefully.

Cats don't breed Dogs

I can't stand my MIL but that is a thing between her and I. (Thank-goodness we live half way around the world from her).

However I do not allow this to impact on her relationship with my DD. She can send gifts and come and visit and spend time with DD if she likes (I just have to put up with it for a short time).

I think it is important to seperate your relationship with the IL's and your child's relationship with them.

Oh dear, I didn't want to start another series of rants against MILs.

To clarify, my point was that some posters seem to be very unreasonable as regards what is acceptable from MILs. Basically, MIL should stay in the background, not offer any opinions, not ask to take her grandchildren anywhere, not give them sweets or presents, and basically behave like a polite stranger instead of part of the family. It is those posts I am commenting on.

That's one thing - and you are quite right!

But it's another thing entirely, bitching because your mil gave your baby a cuddle without asking your permission first, or (God forbid!) wanted to take the baby out for a walk in the pram. The cow.

I think it's really sad to see women treating their beloved partner's mother with such disregard in some cases. The woman who threw away the birthday cake her mil presented for her gc birthday is a good case in point. If I did that (not that I would ffs) my husband would be really angry. I hope hers was too. Horrible thing to do.

My MIL comes without an invte, picks up babies willy nilly and jokes about my hair, house, etc etc. She also brings presents, sees things she thinks I would like and gets them for me. Sits with the children when I am sick and need a lie down, drives me to the hospital in the middle of the night and above all when I was 17 and my dad chucked me out offered me a bed :).
I love my MIL I hope I am just like her when/if my son gets married. If not I have 3 daughters to persecute .

Meantosay, I agree with you and I accept I let rip up above. Just couldn't help it and as I said I've unbuttoned twice in twenty years with the OB herself. That's the beauty of Mnet - let it out on here whilst in rl smile sweetly and behave very decently. You are right - some of the things complained of are silly and anyone complaining of them is welcome to have my MIL for a fortnight. MNet would turn blue .

I would still say though - if I had my time again - I wish I had been much more assertive from very early on but very early on, when she was still acting, she behaved better and I was more forgiving.

a mil SHOULD stay in the background! its a delicate time when a woman makes transition from daughter to mother and partners mother is the last person she needs to haveto deal with.

Unfortunately OP, when you get these anti-MIL-bashing threads (usually about once a month) you are far more likely to attract the attention of people like me, who have been through hell and back, than people who think "oh yes, good old Audrey, it's just lovely when she pops round".

Maybe you should have put a ps in your thread heading, something like "I only want to hear about nice MILs".

And they're not rants by the way. They are our fucking lives that these women have tried to destroy.

Bucharest

HOW MANY TIMES. I am NOT commenting on those threads. I am commenting on the ones about silly things. How on earth does a MIL buying her GC sweets 'ruin' anyone's life??????????

By the way, does anyone have a link to the birthday cake thread? Sounds incredible.

I am lucky to have a MIL who is fantastic, and we have a mother/daughter relationship.

She is an integral part of the family. She is the head of the family in many ways as she is the eldest, and my FIL died 3 years ago.

She never interferes, or if she does, I have never considered it to be interference. I appreciate her advice, she knows her son as well if not better than I do, and she knows his bad points as well as his good.

She also spoils me rotten.

brava bucharest!! im the op from the italian mil thread who dissed me about my weight. thats the thing: if theyre loons or plain unpleasant the damage they wreak is huge being a mil..

You have to remember that the lady ,ay be your mother in law but is actually your partners mother. My mother loves my children as much as she loves me and my brother. They are her flesh and blood. I am sure MIL s feel just the same. When i have grandchildren i am sure i will love them just as much as my own. (or maybe a tiny bit less

Meant to say that i am sure there are a fair share of PITA mother in laws out there as there a mothers.

It wasn't a thread - it was a singular post. Someone started a thread moaning in a petty fashion about her mil...such as you describe.

A poster came on to agree with the OP, then went on to detail that her mil had turned up on her dc birthday with a cake. This was a terrible crime because the mil knew that the OP liked to make the cake.
Of course, the birthday child couldn't have two birthdays cakes....that would have been far too reasonable and zen, so the OP threw a tea towel over the mil's cake, conveniently 'forgot' to serve it, and then chucked it straight in the bin. Not that it was her cake or anything...but hey what does that matter when one's cake making prowess is under threat from an evil usurper, hell-bent on malevolence through the medium of cake?

I do agree that some posters seem overly harsh, yes.

I think some MILs are worried about "losing" their sons & not having much contact with GC so try to demand things rather than wait to be asked.

What I find sad in my situation is that my MIL made no effort to be nice to the woman who her son had chosen to spend the rest of his life with.

She has always seen me as the "other woman"