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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go of a friend who has just been on a sex tourist trip to Thailand?

457 replies

Hairyjumper · 29/01/2011 01:18

Single male friend, just been on 2 weeks holiday where he paid women to fuck him.
Have had quite a cerebral discussion with him about it.
He says it is not seedy , no pimps blah blah.

I thought I was open minded but it just seems wrong.

OP posts:
HerBeX · 01/02/2011 23:39

I think he does understand your revulsion deep down, he doesn't want to acknowledge it because it would mean admitting he's done wrong.

begonyabampot · 01/02/2011 23:41

HJ - what about printing out this thead and showing it to him - or getting some print outs of warts and all reports/documentaries and asking him to look at them.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 23:42

ok

Original poster
Hairyjumper · 01/02/2011 23:43

Herbex am aware I keep defending him, but he is no manipulator.

He is the architypal "nice guy". His wife left him for someone else, taking their kid, he has had several girlfriends and has tried internet dating .He has been a bit burned by a couple of unpleasant women who have taken advantage of his soft kind nature (my analysis, not his)

There is nothing creepy or untoward about him.

This is all precisely why I am finding this so upsetting.
If he was a mate who was a little bit of a tosser ( I have several) and thought paying a Thai woman for sex was okay I would not be moved like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Hairyjumper · 01/02/2011 23:46

begony he would be so inflamed at the suggestion he is a rapist it would water down some of the excellent points made so I don't think showing him this would be a good idea

OP posts:
pickgo · 01/02/2011 23:49

But if he's capable of such hypocrisy to claim to not having given a thought to the exploitation of prostitutes, then I don't suppose it's hard for him to keep up a front to his friends.

If he's had multiple failed relationships then perhaps his exs learnt something about him that you don't see as his friend?

Perhaps you don't know him as well as you thought?

Plenty of nasty men know how to keep up appearances.

notjustapotforsoup · 01/02/2011 23:49

Oh, he's a Nice Guy(TM)......

AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 23:50

"inflamed" doesn't quite fit with "soft kind nature" at all, really

pickgo · 01/02/2011 23:50

Maybe it's only in a sexual relationship that all this horrible attitude comes out?

begonyabampot · 01/02/2011 23:51

'perhaps he sees himself as a knight in shining armour, making these girls lives better < boak >'

Strangely, many guys do fall for these girls and think exactly that - sometimes the girls are stringing on quite a few 'boyfriends' - even when the guys return back home they sometimes stay in touch and send money. Weird, crazy. deluded set up.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 23:54

a "soft, kind" man would be terrifically "upset" I suppose, and would certainly question himself and his viewpoin against his so-called good friends

one would hope a Nice Guy(TM) would do that

if he just gets "angry" "inflamed" and self righteous, I would be questionning his status as Nice Guy(TM)

Coleysworth · 01/02/2011 23:54

A 'nice', 'gentle', 'kind', 'intelligent' person wouldn't react to (valid) criticism in the way that he has. A nice, gentle (etc) person might be shocked by the criticism but if they had any respect for a valued friend's perspective, they'd go away and give it some thought. He's shown zero respect for your perspective on this. Quite frankly he sounds like a total prick putting on a superficially convincing Nice Guy act. Ugh.

PS agree with AF's view on romantic men

dittany · 01/02/2011 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notjustapotforsoup · 01/02/2011 23:58

Nice Guys(TM)

dittany · 02/02/2011 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Hairyjumper · 02/02/2011 00:08

I don't think some of the stuff said here is valid criticism at all, and would detract from the good stuff. I wold not blame him one bit for getting angry at some of it and don't think that stops him being an otherwise lovely person

begonyabampot, once again you get straight to the heart of the reality. I am bracing myself to hear that he is staying in touch. he told me he has her email address . I think he is a deluded romantic fool.

Pickgo, I definitely dont know him as well as I thought Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Hairyjumper · 02/02/2011 00:10

dittany I could not care less what he paid them and I totally agree there is nothing nice about paying to use a woman's (or man's ) body

OP posts:
Coleysworth · 02/02/2011 00:11

No, I'm talking about his response to you. Why, has he read this thread then?

dittany · 02/02/2011 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pickgo · 02/02/2011 00:44

I think if I were you I would take a big step back from this friendship and not feel bad about that at all.

And next time someone tries to make you feel prudish or disloyal for objecting to exploitation just remember the poor victims of that exploitation.

mathanxiety · 02/02/2011 01:25

If I were one of the single friends to whom you have recommended this man, I would not be thanking you.

Just because his wife left him and took his child (and there are always two sides to that kind of story) and he's been unlucky with internet dating doesn't mean he can therefore go to Thailand and behave like some pathetic little god with the local women and it makes it ok because his life is tragic too.

You sound as if you have been thoroughly manipulated by this sad loser. If he has made you feel in any way that your feelings are out of order here and you're picking on him or that you have no right to outrage, then he is manipulative and defensive and a user.

You really can't chop someone into little pieces and think that because he cooks a lovely roast or cleans up nicely after himself or washed your car for you (or donated a kidney) he's lovely and any or all of the niceness cancels out the little peccadillo of the girls in Thailand. To see things that way is to not have empathy for the suffering of those women or to feel any commonality with them and to diminish the scale of the suffering of women in areas where the concept of women's and children's rights are ridiculed.

slug · 02/02/2011 09:16

Quick question Andre. Is English not your first language? I only ask because you write like an ex colleague of mine (Serbian) who would produce reams and reams of paper or pontificate for hours where (in the words of another colleage) all the words are English.

After 5 minutes or one paragraph everyone's eyes would glaze over. It was like wading through treacle uphill, trying to make any sense of what he said. He was constantly frustrated because, though he claimed to have passed on information, it was impossible to find what he claimed to have told us in anything he produced.

begonyabampot · 02/02/2011 09:26

Think Andre has some valid points but unfortunately they being lost. Andre, no point in writing all that if you make it so convoluted and frustrating to read. You said Dittany would turn off the people she wants to reach with her style of delivery, same thing is happening with you.

dittany · 02/02/2011 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5DollarShake · 02/02/2011 11:17

With all due respect to you, Hairyjumper, your friend is utterly deluded and naive in the total extreme. This is me being nice, by the way!

Bless him getting all offended! Well, if Disney did prostitution then yes, I imagine it woukd like something like what he describes. Hmm

Disney, quite categorically, does not do prostitution. Can't quite believe I have to spell that out. It is interesting though, to learn of the deluded, naive nonsense that some men need to tell themselves (and that goes for other men on this thread) in order to persuade themselves that this is OK. It wouldn't really be possible to go through with it if you didn't kid yourself, would it?

As an aside, and belying my ignorance now - why IS prostitution considered the oldest profession in the world? Confused Surely motherhood is, unless Adam paid Eve to have sex with him...?